Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Kena Kirby on April 26, 2010 at 7:28am

Hello,

I am also a special education teacher, how ironic! I am still lost and miss my dad. He was the one that I could go to, count on and knew that he was always on my side....no matter what.

I have a 16 year old daughter, 22 year old son and a 24 year old married daughter who is going to have my first grandchild (grandson), at the end of July. His middle name will be Wayne, which was my dad's middle name. (Dad did know that the baby would have his middle name before his death).

I do not get along with my half-sister (we are at odds over many issues). She was my dad's step daughter. I still feel alone, lost and confused. Thank you for listening to me. It really does help!

Thank you,

Kena

Kena Kirby said:

Kena Kirby said:

Denise said:

Kena,
I know how you feel. My dad leftt this earth to be with his Father in Heaven on January 11, 2010. I didn't get to say goodby to my dad. He went so quickly. He got up that morning got ready to go to the doctor, went to my mom's car to see if she had enough gas for work, and passed away in her car. He was already gone when Mom found him. We all met at the hospital which is less than a mile for Mom's house. The doctors continued CPR for a while to no avail. They let us into the room once they finished working on him. It was such a shock to see him that way! Yet he looked so peaceful! From that moment, all I wanted was to go be with him. Dad would have been 72 April 1, and I am 51. I never thought losing Dad would be this hard for me. It has rocked my world. It's like time has stood still for me.

It's April now, and while I don't think about being with him everyday, I still have moments where I do want to go. There were times where I wanted to committ suicide but that never really has been an option for me. I still have a 16 year old daughter who needs me. Plus my dad had for several years made us promise him that if he went first we would take care of Mom. I can't do that if I am gone.

Long before Dad died, I had been diagnoised with clinical depression and an anxiety disorder. I have taken medication for it for several years. Shortly before Dad died, I decided to go off of the medication which didn't seem to be working anymore. I actually was doing quite well, even did okay the week of his funeral. For about a month, I managed without the medication. However, as the desire to die persisted, and my stress level at work grew more intense (I am a special education teacher), I realized that I was going to have to go back on the medication.

Once I did, the intense desire to die left me. I'm still very sad and miss my dad very much, but it is becoming easier to live without him. Not saying that my grief is any less because it isn't. I have a long way to go before I can say I am anywhere near normal. Having the desire to keep living though has made it much easier to get through each day.

My advice to you would be to seek medical attention for the depression if you haven't already. That will help. Talk to people, like you are here. I'm finding it hard to talk to family and friends about how I feel. That is what drove me to find this site. I asked my mom the other day how she dealt with her mom's death. Mom told me the best thing she did was to write her a letter. That got me to thinking, so I started looking for a place online where I could write. I'm started my own private blog on this site where I can write letters to dad. It's a place for me to express myself. I wrote my first entry yesterday. Strangely, it helped. I cried and it caused me to have some strong emotions for the rest of the day but it did help!

Denise

Permalink Reply by Denise on April 26, 2010 at 3:42pm

Wow! That is ironic. I have two children: a 16 year old daughter and a son who is 29. He has a son and a daughter. I have a lot to be thankful for and to live for but I sure do miss my dad. As with you, he was always there for me. i could depend on him for anything. He was the glue that held our family together.

It is nice to know that someone does understand what I am going through. And to know that we have so much in common is an added bonus!

Denise

Kena Kirby said:

Hello,

I am also a special education teacher, how ironic! I am still lost and miss my dad. He was the one that I could go to, count on and knew that he was always on my side....no matter what.

I have a 16 year old daughter, 22 year old son and a 24 year old married daughter who is going to have my first grandchild (grandson), at the end of July. His middle name will be Wayne, which was my dad's middle name. (Dad did know that the baby would have his middle name before his death).

I do not get along with my half-sister (we are at odds over many issues). She was my dad's step daughter. I still feel alone, lost and confused. Thank you for listening to me. It really does help!

Thank you,

Kena

Kena Kirby said:

Kena Kirby said:

Denise said:

Kena,
I know how you feel. My dad leftt this earth to be with his Father in Heaven on January 11, 2010. I didn't get to say goodby to my dad. He went so quickly. He got up that morning got ready to go to the doctor, went to my mom's car to see if she had enough gas for work, and passed away in her car. He was already gone when Mom found him. We all met at the hospital which is less than a mile for Mom's house. The doctors continued CPR for a while to no avail. They let us into the room once they finished working on him. It was such a shock to see him that way! Yet he looked so peaceful! From that moment, all I wanted was to go be with him. Dad would have been 72 April 1, and I am 51. I never thought losing Dad would be this hard for me. It has rocked my world. It's like time has stood still for me.

It's April now, and while I don't think about being with him everyday, I still have moments where I do want to go. There were times where I wanted to committ suicide but that never really has been an option for me. I still have a 16 year old daughter who needs me. Plus my dad had for several years made us promise him that if he went first we would take care of Mom. I can't do that if I am gone.

Long before Dad died, I had been diagnoised with clinical depression and an anxiety disorder. I have taken medication for it for several years. Shortly before Dad died, I decided to go off of the medication which didn't seem to be working anymore. I actually was doing quite well, even did okay the week of his funeral. For about a month, I managed without the medication. However, as the desire to die persisted, and my stress level at work grew more intense (I am a special education teacher), I realized that I was going to have to go back on the medication.

Once I did, the intense desire to die left me. I'm still very sad and miss my dad very much, but it is becoming easier to live without him. Not saying that my grief is any less because it isn't. I have a long way to go before I can say I am anywhere near normal. Having the desire to keep living though has made it much easier to get through each day.

My advice to you would be to seek medical attention for the depression if you haven't already. That will help. Talk to people, like you are here. I'm finding it hard to talk to family and friends about how I feel. That is what drove me to find this site. I asked my mom the other day how she dealt with her mom's death. Mom told me the best thing she did was to write her a letter. That got me to thinking, so I started looking for a place online where I could write. I'm started my own private blog on this site where I can write letters to dad. It's a place for me to express myself. I wrote my first entry yesterday. Strangely, it helped. I cried and it caused me to have some strong emotions for the rest of the day but it did help!

Denise

Permalink Reply by Susan Fuller on May 4, 2010 at 10:48am

Kena, I think you need to think about your dad and how he would feel about you wanted to "join" him. I lost my dad on 3/6/10 and although I feel totally lost...I know that he will be there to take my hand when my day comes. I hope you find things in your life to help you through these horrible days to come. I have a new grandbaby coming myself and my father loved children. In a way I think this will comfort me...knowing that his legacy lives on through his great-grandchildren. I will say a prayer for you today!

Permalink Reply by Kara on May 5, 2010 at 3:56pm

Kena,
I as well understand your feeling that way. I think in a way we all do. I lost my Dad Dec 17th 09. He was only 52. It was a sudden shock, and the wost thing I have ever been through. I got a call that morning from my sister, saying that Dad was on his way to the hospital with chest pains. When I arrived at the hospital and sat with my Mom and sister, it felt like forever and they wouldn't tell us anything. Everytime we asked to go see him, they said that they were still working on him. When they did bring us back, they put us in a tiny room and told us that they had bad news. I thought bad news was that my Dad was going in for surgery, not that he was dead. I will remember that feeling and the Dr's words for the rest of my life. I am only 25, how am I supposed to go on without him? Who is going to walk me down the isle? I as well think about taking my own life to be with him. But I have to be strong. My Dad was our tree trunk, we were all just the branches hanging off the side. He kept us all together. Now I have to be the strong one, not only for myself, but my older sister and Mom. I need my Dad, but my family needs me. I know that he is watching over me. Be strong for your kids and husband. They need you...

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