So sorry for your loss.I am having the same feelings that you are.I lost the love of my life,my best friend in the world on march 21,2010-6 wks ago yesterday.He was diagnosed with lung cancer in 9-07 and fought a long battle.I was with him when he passed,talking to him and hugging him. He was sedated on morphine so I don't know how aware he was.I miss him so much,there are no words to even begin to express how we are all feeling. I used to love going home but now I do not like to be there.As all of you already know,everything at home reminds us of the one that we lost and ther is nothing that we can do about it. Tim and I were only married for 11 years-our anniversary is coming up soon. The thing that helps me most is going to work.I am a lab tech and I keep super busy-but as soon as I leave work I remember that I have to go home a be alone.I still have his toothbrush in the holder and everything of his where it belongs.I don't know if I will ever be able to go through his things.How do you just get rid of their stuff.I love him so much and that is part of him. I still cry everyday and I hate week-ends.I have 6 grandchildren and a daughter that live close-that helps but does not take the hurt away.
I understand what you are all saying regarding holiday or special day" firsts", although I haven't had that many yet-my husband of 31 years died on January 16th-but I have had plenty of other "firsts" that have been traumatic..settling medical bills, doing taxes alone, fixing things that seem to be breaking everyday, selling and buying a car, bills, accounts, decisions that I never had to make alone...and my son's upcoming College Graduation in two weeks...HELP!
Peg,We Had a WONDERFUL time last Sunday .My BBQ in remembrance of my hubby's b-day was a success.My daughter was a little down,but I wouldn't let it ruin the day for me.After 7 1/2 months,I'm so tired of being sad.But I had to muddle my way through to get here.At the end of the night my best friend stayed over.Her husband has been gone 5 years and she is in a relationship now.She told me she's "comfortable"with her new guy but she doesn't have the joy as before.I think that's what I miss too,there is no joy anymore.I don't know if there ever will be.We will never have another "first"love.Or one to last 44 years.Good luck,you are doing just what we're suppose to,Grieve!!!
Well, I just hurdled another first. I was in the hospital. Pancreatitis, dehydration, white, red and platelets counts almost bottomed out and no Harry there to encourage me to WANT to get better. It was awful. I felt so alone and ready to go. My 2 sons were there. My Mom was devastated that she couldn't be there because dad can't be left alone and everyone else was working. I have been home since Thursday and I am still very weak. My foot that I broke 3 weeks ago has not begun to heal. Sometimes I just sit here and think ...What's the point in fighting it? Many years ago, I was so sick. I was in bed for the better part of 6 years. MY HARRY got me through it and they finally found a treatment that got me out of bed and back to living. Now, I just don't know what I feel. (besides lousy). Still have a few tests to take and maybe I will have the answers then but it is a week away.
Dan's birthday is tomorrow (would have been tomorrow? was tomorrow? whatever). He died January 19, 2010. It's the first time in seventeen years that I'm not going to be able to tell him "Happy birthday". My way of dealing with it has been by trying to stay busy and not think about it. I can't change it, and I can't bring him back, all I can do is try to focus on making my "now" the best that I can. Tomorrow will get here soon enough and I will have to deal with it then.
I took the day off work tomorrow, because I know that sitting at my desk for 8+ hours would be a bad thing. I also tried to find some things to do to stay busy, because I know that sitting at home alone on a weekend is a bad idea for me. I either sleep all the time and end up feeling sick because I don't eat and oversleep, or I get depressed and start feeling suicidal again. So I have some appointments scheduled for tomorrow.
I spent today with friends, working at our local Renaissance Faire. It was a beautiful day and I had a good time. It kept me busy, and the times that I did think about Dan were more "melancholy" instead of "devastating". When I got in the car at the end of the Faire, I found I had a voicemail from his mother, who called and wanted to talk "because I know tomorrow is going to be hard for both of us". And when I got home I had an email from his brother, talking about how much he misses his brothers (Dan's other brother died in September, so the youngest lost both brothers in four months). And all I want to do is crawl into a hole and not talk about it.
I don't want to talk about him to anyone. Because talking about him just makes me have to deal with how much I miss him, how happy we were, and how freaking miserable the fact that I have another forty-plus years to exist without him is. I don't want to look at the future, because looking at the future makes me have to deal with the fact that it's a future without him. I don't want to look at the past, because looking at the past makes me remember how happy we were and how content I was with my life. All I want to do is go crawl in my little hidey-hole of "now" and pretend that everything is okay. It's the only way I'm surviving. I don't want to be "relied on" by anyone. I don't want to feel like I have to be anyone's emotional support, and I don't want to know how much anyone else misses him or how much anyone else loved him, because dammit, I don't have the emotional energy to care. I don't know how I am going to make it through tomorrow, let alone having to deal with anyone else's emotional weight.
Your sons graduation is going to be hard but remember, his Dad will be there in all your hearts. On the other hand, he worked hard to get where he is and that cannot be taken away from him. That day is HIS day so pull every ounce of strength you can muster and celebrate (knowing his dad is watching and smiling with all of you). My prayers are with you all.
Marian said:I understand what you are all saying regarding holiday or special day" firsts", although I haven't had that many yet-my husband of 31 years died on January 16th-but I have had plenty of other "firsts" that have been traumatic..settling medical bills, doing taxes alone, fixing things that seem to be breaking everyday, selling and buying a car, bills, accounts, decisions that I never had to make alone...and my son's upcoming College Graduation in two weeks...HELP!