Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on April 21, 2010 at 10:05am

kathy obiedzinski said:

peg i just read your story on the website my husband died 3/1/09 we would have been married 35 years in july but he was not here with me to celebrate on thanksgiving i had nothing to be thankful for christmas eve i cried and could not stop because i wanted him back with me so much. christmas day was a little better i was with my grandchildren and they kept me busy. new years eve cried again news day cried for my husband his birthday was 1/28/ no husband to wih a happy birthday to i remember the good times we had but it would never be the same i remember him being really down and out around christmas time because his parents passed around the holidays. and he neve like them but he tried to be happy because of the grandchildren still it has been 1 year and still sad i am sure that all the holidays will be hard. we use to go to the shore in july evey year the kids would come down even if is was for a couple of days. but since he passed i cannot bring myself ever going back down there. the kids use to take us to cape may for our anniversity and my birthday we used to walk on the broadwalk cannot do that now not the same

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on April 21, 2010 at 10:38am

Kathy,
I don't know if you feel the way I do but after a certain period of time, your friends and family will listen but you can tell they are tired of hearing it. They give the same answers everytime like..."it will take time, you'll be ok" Or " remember, you have children and grandchildren you have to be here for". I know they mean well but I guess their answers are getting just as old as I think they feel about our grieving. It's not something they can grasp. Of course, they grieved too but they didn't have the same realtionship we had . My children are very supportive because , like me, they idolized their father. When they come here, they start looking around at all of the things that remind them of him and they too cry. My husband has a "sports room". My boys were very involved with the setting up of that room and say they have a story for every Steeler, Pirate or Penguin piece that is in there and believe me, there is not another free space on that wall. It is hard for them to be in there because they picture him there with them. Can you tell I'm from Pittsburgh?
I feel terrible when someone asks me to go somewhere where I know it will be friends of ours who are couples. I'd feel like a third wheel. I don't want to go. I don't know if you had to apply for his pension or social security but I must say when I filled out those social security papers, I was DEVASTATED by one of the questions........When did this marriage end? and why? I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach and lost my breath!!!!! As far as I am concerned...it didn't end...I will be his wife and he, my husband until the day I join him again and then forever again. I cried so hard when I read that and I got angry too. WHO did they think they were telling me my marriage was ended???? I wonder if you had to answer that question or is it only in Pennsylvania?
we used to go to Ocean City MD. My entire family went including my parents and siblings and their families. I couldn't do it again any time soon anyway. I know what you mean. NOTHING is the same nor will it ever be. I'm sure there are many more firsts that we will endure without even being able to think of them now. We mostly think about special days but there are other things we don't think about til they happen. One, in particular was a phone call asking to speak to my husband. I choked on that one. How many times we were talking about something and couldn't think of the answer...I would say I'll call Harry, he knows. choked on that too. It's going to be a very tough road. I am currently helping my elderly parents...Dad has been in and out of the hospital as he had a stroke on valentine's Day. The day after his 80th b-day. Mom will be 82 next month and dad's health has been taking its toll on her. I keep busy always checking on them. The 8 grandchildren are aged from 9 down to 1 1/2. They do help keep my mind off of it while they are around. 6 of them only live 10 min. from me and the other 2 live in Georgia. I HATE that. I find myself clinging to them when they are here. I need someone to hug and hug me back. They do.
I DO pray that both of us can get better at dealing with this. God Bless you and your family. I am anxiously awaiting the day I can be with him. I am 58 and I pray I don't have to live this way for 30 more years because even though I have over 20 family members supporting me and friends as well, I am so lonely. Thank you for responding. Please feel free to write any time. I promise I won't go on and on like this the next time. :)

Permalink Reply by Carina on April 21, 2010 at 7:47pm

Peg Otley, you are not the only one feeling this way. I also lost my good husband and father 4 months ago. Every day that passes by it is harder for me, it is not easy as some people say. My husband died December 10/2009. He was hospitalized November 25th, the day before Thanks-giving. From now on, there will not be Thanks-giving, nor Christmas, New Years for me. These holidays are going to be very painful, because I will always remember these days that while other people were very happy celebrating with their families, I was in terrible pain seeing my husband in a hospital's bed in critical condition. It is not easy for me to get over the lost of my husband, because this beautiful human being gave me 37 seven years of happines, only happiness. He protected me, he took care of me, he did everything possible to give me what I wanted, he lived for me, and his family, all he did was work, work, work, and live for his family. I just wish that he did something wrong so I wouldn't be suffering so much. He was perfect, he took care of the electric, the plumbing, the painting, everything in the house, this lost is not easy to forgive. Some people even criticize me because after 4 month I cannot get used to the idea that I am alone, they expect me to feel already as if nothing happened. I tell them that I feel this way, and I will feel misserable as long as I live, and I will miss this man everyday of my life as long as I live, because a good human being such as my husband deserves never to be forgotten. He left and took my soul with him. Without him I feel useless, and I don't feel the desire of living anymore, because he is not here anymore to give me a reason to live, as he did for all those years of happiness he gave. I love him so much, no one would understand it, because no one knew him the way I knew him. I miss him so much.

Permalink Reply by Carina on April 21, 2010 at 7:56pm

Peg Otley said:

kathy obiedzinski said:

peg i just read your story on the website my husband died 3/1/09 we would have been married 35 years in july but he was not here with me to celebrate on thanksgiving i had nothing to be thankful for christmas eve i cried and could not stop because i wanted him back with me so much. christmas day was a little better i was with my grandchildren and they kept me busy. new years eve cried again news day cried for my husband his birthday was 1/28/ no husband to wih a happy birthday to i remember the good times we had but it would never be the same i remember him being really down and out around christmas time because his parents passed around the holidays. and he neve like them but he tried to be happy because of the grandchildren still it has been 1 year and still sad i am sure that all the holidays will be hard. we use to go to the shore in july evey year the kids would come down even if is was for a couple of days. but since he passed i cannot bring myself ever going back down there. the kids use to take us to cape may for our anniversity and my birthday we used to walk on the broadwalk cannot do that now not the same

Permalink Reply by Carina on April 21, 2010 at 8:13pm

Peg, I read you and I can't believe how similar sounds what you and I say about our families. I have 3 sons, and when they come to visit me they see their fathers tools and they cry. You are lucky you have grand-children, my sons are not even married yet, so I am more lonesome than you. My sons have to continue with their lives as single men, I encourage them to do so, I don't want them to feel bad about me. One is getting married in September and he is busy making plans. They are not talking about children, both work, so I don't think they are too much in a hurry to have babies. Besides, they live a little far from me, so it wouldn't help me if they give a grand-child, because probably I will see them once a month. The mornings, and nights are very difficult for me. I miss having coffee with him in the mornings, and at night time the place gets very sad, I see sadness running down the walls. It is very sad, I thought staying in the house where I lived with him for many years would be better, but it's not. Some friends advice me to move, those who have lost a loved one tell me that it will be better for me, so I am taking that into consideration, because the truth is that I am getting very depress. Everyone is different, some people would never move from the place they share with their loved ones for many years.

Permalink Reply by Brigitte on April 21, 2010 at 8:56pm

I am actually looking forward to the "first" day I don't cry. Another goal to achieve!

Peace,

Brigitte

Permalink Reply by LeAnne on April 21, 2010 at 9:00pm

I really like what Deborah said, there will be a time of first that are of good things. Getting there is another story. Husband passed Dec 12, 2009. 31years marriage.

Permalink Reply by Yaca Attwood on April 21, 2010 at 11:40pm

Greetings, Peg,

Actually, the hardest "first" I had to deal with was my birthday last year - 25 July 2009, because my husband Byron had died nearly a month before (29 June 2009) - all I could think of and cry about all day was: "He didn't make it to my birthday, he didn't make it to my birthday". And, I was all alone on that day - I just did not do anything - so I think _your_ feelings and how _you_ are dealing with it are just fine - precisely because they are _your_ feelings and way of coping.

And it was not like we ever did a whole lot on my birthday - he'd take me out for a nice dinner, and we'd enjoy ourselves - but my first birthday without him was very, very hard.

Christmas was tough, but we were never much for holidays, and being in Information Technology - I was actually called by the Data Center on Christmas Eve (grrrrr - Life Of A Database Administrator) - I have often been on-call during the holidays. But sitting in a 3-bedroom, 1330 sq-ft apartment alone, thinking of him - very, very difficult!

I am so sorry for the death of your beloved husband - peace, blessing, healing and comfort be upon and with you - Yaca Attwood Perkins

Permalink Reply by Janice Kelly on April 22, 2010 at 2:55pm

Dear Peg............My name is Janice Kelly and this is the very first time I am writing to anyone. I just lost my husband, Ed, this past Valentine's Day and I can relate to what you are saying. I've been told that grieving doesn't move in a straight line, and that everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. It doesn't matter how other people think you should be dealing with such a devasting loss. All that matters is that you get up each morning and just try, and it sounds like you are doing just that. I met Ed when I was 18. He also was the love of my life. We were married for 46 years. I've had lots of devastations to deal with in my life, and he was what made it possible. He gave me the strength to get through each one of them. With him I could do anything. Now, I don't know what I'll do. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a new doctor and I"m going to have to fill out forms that are going to include checking off my "marital status." Right now I'm just trying to get up the strength to face that "first.".................jan

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on April 22, 2010 at 4:01pm

Janice Kelly said:

Dear Peg............My name is Janice Kelly and this is the very first time I am writing to anyone. I just lost my husband, Ed, this past Valentine's Day and I can relate to what you are saying. I've been told that grieving doesn't move in a straight line, and that everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. It doesn't matter how other people think you should be dealing with such a devasting loss. All that matters is that you get up each morning and just try, and it sounds like you are doing just that. I met Ed when I was 18. He also was the love of my life. We were married for 46 years. I've had lots of devastations to deal with in my life, and he was what made it possible. He gave me the strength to get through each one of them. With him I could do anything. Now, I don't know what I'll do. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a new doctor and I"m going to have to fill out forms that are going to include checking off my "marital status." Right now I'm just trying to get up the strength to face that "first.".................jan

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on April 22, 2010 at 4:01pm

Peg Otley said:

Janice Kelly said:

Dear Peg............My name is Janice Kelly and this is the very first time I am writing to anyone. I just lost my husband, Ed, this past Valentine's Day and I can relate to what you are saying. I've been told that grieving doesn't move in a straight line, and that everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. It doesn't matter how other people think you should be dealing with such a devasting loss. All that matters is that you get up each morning and just try, and it sounds like you are doing just that. I met Ed when I was 18. He also was the love of my life. We were married for 46 years. I've had lots of devastations to deal with in my life, and he was what made it possible. He gave me the strength to get through each one of them. With him I could do anything. Now, I don't know what I'll do. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a new doctor and I"m going to have to fill out forms that are going to include checking off my "marital status." Right now I'm just trying to get up the strength to face that "first.".................jan

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on April 22, 2010 at 4:15pm

Dear Janice,
I still put married. I can't do that yet and they really don't care. They will ask who to call in case of an emergency anyway. I put my oldest son now (who has the same name as his dad). You don't have to explain WHY you are not putting your husbands name on there. If it will make you feel better...leave your status "married". When I had to fill out SS papers, they asked me "when did this marriage end and why?" I was devastated....I refused to answer it. They knew why I was filing..his death date was on there. His death certificate was attached... I told them I'm not filling that in. Now whether they did it later, I don"t know. Do what you feel comfortable doing.
I couldn't bring myself to write that my WONDERFUL marriage was OVER!!! That was a real kick in the teeth. I was angry and hurt at the same time. This is one of those times when what feels comfortable to you may not be for someone else. Again another indication of how we heal differently.
I will pray you get through this tomorrow. Feel free to contact me any time....Peggy

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