Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Janice Kelly on April 22, 2010 at 5:08pm

Peg........thank you for your encouraging words. I'll let you know how it goes..jan

Permalink Reply by Janice Kelly on April 22, 2010 at 5:09pm

Peg........thank you for your encouraging words. I'll let you know how it goes..jan

Permalink Reply by Carina on April 22, 2010 at 6:10pm

LeAnne said:

I really like what Deborah said, there will be a time of first that are of good things. Getting there is another story. Husband passed Dec 12, 2009. 31years marriage.

Hi LeAnne, my husband passed away Dec.10/2009. Just 2 days before yours.

Permalink Reply by LeAnne on April 23, 2010 at 5:12pm

HI Carina, How are you handling all the things they did for u, I have found it very hard

Permalink Reply by Eleanor Renaud on May 2, 2010 at 5:12pm

Dear Peg - how strange that we are so similar and yet we differ. Paul passed away on Dec 14 -09. We had celebrated 39 wonderful years together in October. You are so right about all the "firsts" my councillor advised me to take a huge step and go away for a weekend by myself. (We need to be comfortable with ourselves) I initially thought that was ridiculous. She suggested I check out a spa out of town. The more I researched the more intrigued I was. I had never driven the highway alone, or been that far out of town alone (it was a 3 hr drive). I was to keep a journal of everything I did, and it was important to NOT do anything I had every done before. Eating alone in a restuarant was a first, she suggested getting a window seat so as not to feel too ackward. Don't order the same old same old - try new dishes. The spa treatments were amazing and truly relaxing. I got a GPS and could drive the highway without anxiety of where I would end up. All our firsts are going to be difficult - but we must push ourselves to a new path. It can never be what used to be and we must find positive in our future. I'm worried about Father's Day - heck even Mother's Day isn't going to be a breeze - but relay on your family and friends they want to be there for us. Every step forward, no matter how difficult is better than taking one backwards. I have to open up the cottage next weekend and there are alot of people there I haven't seen since the summer. So talking to all of them and re-hashing everything is going to be difficult - but once I do that - its done and I move on to hopefully and good summer - unfortunately alone - but I have to seek out friends and neighbors and make that step forward. Good luck - be strong
Eleanor

Permalink Reply by kathleen caylor on May 2, 2010 at 6:30pm

Peg,We Had a WONDERFUL time last Sunday .My BBQ in remembrance of my hubby's b-day was a success.My daughter was a little down,but I wouldn't let it ruin the day for me.After 7 1/2 months,I'm so tired of being sad.But I had to muddle my way through to get here.At the end of the night my best friend stayed over.Her husband has been gone 5 years and she is in a relationship now.She told me she's "comfortable"with her new guy but she doesn't have the joy as before.I think that's what I miss too,there is no joy anymore.I don't know if there ever will be.We will never have another "first"love.Or one to last 44 years.Good luck,you are doing just what we're suppose to,Grieve!!!

Permalink Reply by Max on May 2, 2010 at 7:08pm

Thanks Peg. I will keep in touch. Just getting through the days right now.

Peg Otley said:

Sorry about that...hit the wrong button.
Hi Max. I feel for you too. I don't really know if 2 months or 4 months has any different feeling as it still seems like yesterday. I know you are right though about how WE feel inside ourselves. No one can tell us how we should feel. I have been put on a mild antidepressant. I'm not sure it is helping but the doctor wants me to take it anyway so I am. Life, as I knew it is over. You are also right about waking every morning alone. My Harry and I were very close and we got along so well. It was a wonderful relationship. I actually had someone say to me "there's another man out there for you, you'll be ok". I was shocked! If I live to be 100 (God forbid), there will NEVER be another man in my life. I am 58 and however long I have to endure this horrible life, it will be without a husband.
I know that man meant well but he didn't think before he spoke. At that time, it had only been 2 months. When people ask me how I am, I tell them I'm taking it one day at a time...one minute at a time. Even 4 mos later, it is still so fresh. I know you feel that too. My husband was diagnosed in May 2009 with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. He NEVER went to the doctor. He died 6 1/2 mos later, just 12 days before Christmas. He did not suffer for long nor did he have horrible pain like some people endure. He did not ask for much pain meds but sometimes I think he endured more than he had to so he could be "with it" while the kids and grandchildren were here. I hope your husband did not have to suffer. THAT is one thing we do not want them to go through. I will keep you in my prayers and feel free to write me at any time. Embrace family and friends. They are the ones who will get us through this.

Permalink Reply by Marian on May 2, 2010 at 8:17pm

I understand what you are all saying regarding holiday or special day" firsts", although I haven't had that many yet-my husband of 31 years died on January 16th-but I have had plenty of other "firsts" that have been traumatic..settling medical bills, doing taxes alone, fixing things that seem to be breaking everyday, selling and buying a car, bills, accounts, decisions that I never had to make alone...and my son's upcoming College Graduation in two weeks...HELP!

Permalink Reply by Chris B on May 2, 2010 at 9:52pm

Dan's birthday is tomorrow (would have been tomorrow? was tomorrow? whatever). He died January 19, 2010. It's the first time in seventeen years that I'm not going to be able to tell him "Happy birthday". My way of dealing with it has been by trying to stay busy and not think about it. I can't change it, and I can't bring him back, all I can do is try to focus on making my "now" the best that I can. Tomorrow will get here soon enough and I will have to deal with it then.

I took the day off work tomorrow, because I know that sitting at my desk for 8+ hours would be a bad thing. I also tried to find some things to do to stay busy, because I know that sitting at home alone on a weekend is a bad idea for me. I either sleep all the time and end up feeling sick because I don't eat and oversleep, or I get depressed and start feeling suicidal again. So I have some appointments scheduled for tomorrow.

I spent today with friends, working at our local Renaissance Faire. It was a beautiful day and I had a good time. It kept me busy, and the times that I did think about Dan were more "melancholy" instead of "devastating". When I got in the car at the end of the Faire, I found I had a voicemail from his mother, who called and wanted to talk "because I know tomorrow is going to be hard for both of us". And when I got home I had an email from his brother, talking about how much he misses his brothers (Dan's other brother died in September, so the youngest lost both brothers in four months). And all I want to do is crawl into a hole and not talk about it.

I don't want to talk about him to anyone. Because talking about him just makes me have to deal with how much I miss him, how happy we were, and how freaking miserable the fact that I have another forty-plus years to exist without him is. I don't want to look at the future, because looking at the future makes me have to deal with the fact that it's a future without him. I don't want to look at the past, because looking at the past makes me remember how happy we were and how content I was with my life. All I want to do is go crawl in my little hidey-hole of "now" and pretend that everything is okay. It's the only way I'm surviving. I don't want to be "relied on" by anyone. I don't want to feel like I have to be anyone's emotional support, and I don't want to know how much anyone else misses him or how much anyone else loved him, because dammit, I don't have the emotional energy to care. I don't know how I am going to make it through tomorrow, let alone having to deal with anyone else's emotional weight.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on May 3, 2010 at 12:00am

Hi All, just wanted to add that the "firsts" are heart wrenching and that everyday, in everyway, is the first . No matter what you do,say think,watch is remembering you are alone. I have no friends and my family ignors the loss. My wife's family and friends disappeared when she died a year ago. Being alone is like being dead. 'Cause I died when she died anyways. All the rest of your life will be the same, missing your loved one. I just wanted to share this to you all.

Permalink Reply by Kay Flowers on May 3, 2010 at 7:06am

So sorry for your loss.I am having the same feelings that you are.I lost the love of my life,my best friend in the world on march 21,2010-6 wks ago yesterday.He was diagnosed with lung cancer in 9-07 and fought a long battle.I was with him when he passed,talking to him and hugging him. He was sedated on morphine so I don't know how aware he was.I miss him so much,there are no words to even begin to express how we are all feeling. I used to love going home but now I do not like to be there.As all of you already know,everything at home reminds us of the one that we lost and ther is nothing that we can do about it. Tim and I were only married for 11 years-our anniversary is coming up soon. The thing that helps me most is going to work.I am a lab tech and I keep super busy-but as soon as I leave work I remember that I have to go home a be alone.I still have his toothbrush in the holder and everything of his where it belongs.I don't know if I will ever be able to go through his things.How do you just get rid of their stuff.I love him so much and that is part of him. I still cry everyday and I hate week-ends.I have 6 grandchildren and a daughter that live close-that helps but does not take the hurt away.

Permalink Reply by Virginia on May 3, 2010 at 9:17am

Hi Peg, I'm so sorry for your lost, and to answer your question,everyone is different.I just went through the first yr. ann. of my husbands passing on 4-29.I thought i would be ok because, I feel the day he had his massive heart attack here in our home and they were unable to revive him till they got him to the hospital was the day he died, even thou he was on life support for 3 more days. Well I thought wrong, as soon as I woke that morning the tears began and were pretty steady all day. It is so easy for people to think you are handling it well because in my case I am strong in front of others but a total mess when alone. It has been a yr. and i'm still a mess we were together 32 yrs. I have my sister living with me thank god she works the evening shift so I have alone time. This christmas will be very hard for you that is true all I can tell you have a little alone time in the morning then be around other people it does help then you will have the evening to do your grieving. You will find nobody wants to talk about him and this pis---- me off I find they think it will upset you, well for me it upsets me because they act like he didn't exsist.I find it is very comforting to talk about him good and bad. I hoped I shed a little light on it for you if you want to chat privet I'll be more then happy to give you my e-mail add. I find on this site although the people are very nice and we are all going through the samething in one way or another. they shy away sometime when you really want to talk I've started a journal so I can talk all I want to the book it is good to let the anger out in it good and bad lol. I also go around the house talking to my husband out loud again good and bad lol feeling your pain - virginia

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