Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on May 3, 2010 at 10:42am

Well, I just hurdled another first. I was in the hospital. Pancreatitis, dehydration, white, red and platelets counts almost bottomed out and no Harry there to encourage me to WANT to get better. It was awful. I felt so alone and ready to go. My 2 sons were there. My Mom was devastated that she couldn't be there because dad can't be left alone and everyone else was working. I have been home since Thursday and I am still very weak. My foot that I broke 3 weeks ago has not begun to heal. Sometimes I just sit here and think ...What's the point in fighting it? Many years ago, I was so sick. I was in bed for the better part of 6 years. MY HARRY got me through it and they finally found a treatment that got me out of bed and back to living. Now, I just don't know what I feel. (besides lousy). Still have a few tests to take and maybe I will have the answers then but it is a week away.

Permalink Reply by Linda on May 3, 2010 at 11:06am

Peg,
Its been 10 months today for me since I lost the love of my life. I was together with him half the years that you were with your love. But the fact is the missing part never goes away. One by one I am finding out I am making it through the "firsts". No one can tell you how the next one is going to be for you. My sister lost her son 3 years ago and her advice to me was I have to grieve in my own way. Dont let someone tell you how to do it. I am not sure if next Christmas will be easier or harder then the past one. But I know I will make it through with the help of my family and friends and my love for my Rocky. Take care of yourself and take 1 "first" at a time. God bless you and please take care of yourself and know that you are dealing with your loss the way you need to!

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on May 3, 2010 at 11:08am

Kay,I know exactly what you mean about the kids and grandchildren. No matter how many loved ones we have around us, we still feel so alone. Your Tim suffered a long time and I know that you take some comfort in knowing that he is finally at peace. My Harry was diagnosed w/stage 4 pancreatic cancer in May and died in Dec. THAT is when my life , as I knew it, ended. December 13, 2009. THAT along with the actual date my heart stops will be on my tombstone. I don't know when this (just like it happened yesterday) pain will stop. Maybe never, I don't know. All I know for sure is I miss him so much I physically hurt. If people really die of a broken heart, then maybe I can take some comfort in that knowing that it won't be too long. Let us know when another first is coming up and we will pray even harder for everyone to get through all of these firsts. I HATE thinking about it and maybe that doesn't help...getting all worked up over the anticipation. I believe there are no answers because we all have our own thoughts and ways of dealing with this. God Bless you and DO hang onto children and those wonderful grandchildren. You must admit that when they are around, we have a tendency take our minds off of things. In my case, I don't have a job. I got laid off last September which I did not mind because I was able to spend all my time with my Love Of My Life. I am grateful for that. He died at home. I am also grateful for that. Now, I don't plan on going back to work as we have a much needed family vacation planned along with some other visits and I am not going to argue with anyone about seniority. I have a job lined up for August. That will help.

Kay Flowers said:

So sorry for your loss.I am having the same feelings that you are.I lost the love of my life,my best friend in the world on march 21,2010-6 wks ago yesterday.He was diagnosed with lung cancer in 9-07 and fought a long battle.I was with him when he passed,talking to him and hugging him. He was sedated on morphine so I don't know how aware he was.I miss him so much,there are no words to even begin to express how we are all feeling. I used to love going home but now I do not like to be there.As all of you already know,everything at home reminds us of the one that we lost and ther is nothing that we can do about it. Tim and I were only married for 11 years-our anniversary is coming up soon. The thing that helps me most is going to work.I am a lab tech and I keep super busy-but as soon as I leave work I remember that I have to go home a be alone.I still have his toothbrush in the holder and everything of his where it belongs.I don't know if I will ever be able to go through his things.How do you just get rid of their stuff.I love him so much and that is part of him. I still cry everyday and I hate week-ends.I have 6 grandchildren and a daughter that live close-that helps but does not take the hurt away.

Permalink Reply by sharon on May 3, 2010 at 11:12am

Peg, My firsts were awful. He died 5 days after Christmas, he died on Dec.30, 2009 So I had New Year's, his birthday was March the sixth, our wedding anny was March the 30'd. Then came Easter, now my second oldest son name after his Dad is getting married May the 15th. He died 3 months short of 45 years for us. I knew nothing but him in my life. We were together 24/7. I keep thinking IF i make it another year back around to Christmas I'm going to bed, cover my head, and not think at all! But I have 4 grown children 9 grandkids, 8 great grandkids. How can I do that to them? How do we go on? That's a question I need answered and no one can tell me.

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on May 3, 2010 at 11:30am

Marian,
Your sons graduation is going to be hard but remember, his Dad will be there in all your hearts. On the other hand, he worked hard to get where he is and that cannot be taken away from him. That day is HIS day so pull every ounce of strength you can muster and celebrate (knowing his dad is watching and smiling with all of you). My prayers are with you all.

Marian said:

I understand what you are all saying regarding holiday or special day" firsts", although I haven't had that many yet-my husband of 31 years died on January 16th-but I have had plenty of other "firsts" that have been traumatic..settling medical bills, doing taxes alone, fixing things that seem to be breaking everyday, selling and buying a car, bills, accounts, decisions that I never had to make alone...and my son's upcoming College Graduation in two weeks...HELP!

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on May 3, 2010 at 11:35am

I am thrilled that the celebration went as you had hoped for. That is GREAT! My husband's birthday is Dec. 8th. We had a tradition that on his birthday, we always had all the kids here, we had cake and ice cream and we always put up our Christmas tree together. We did not do that this past year but at least he was still here.

kathleen caylor said:

Peg,We Had a WONDERFUL time last Sunday .My BBQ in remembrance of my hubby's b-day was a success.My daughter was a little down,but I wouldn't let it ruin the day for me.After 7 1/2 months,I'm so tired of being sad.But I had to muddle my way through to get here.At the end of the night my best friend stayed over.Her husband has been gone 5 years and she is in a relationship now.She told me she's "comfortable"with her new guy but she doesn't have the joy as before.I think that's what I miss too,there is no joy anymore.I don't know if there ever will be.We will never have another "first"love.Or one to last 44 years.Good luck,you are doing just what we're suppose to,Grieve!!!

Permalink Reply by Max on May 3, 2010 at 6:47pm

Peg Otley said:

Well, I just hurdled another first. I was in the hospital. Pancreatitis, dehydration, white, red and platelets counts almost bottomed out and no Harry there to encourage me to WANT to get better. It was awful. I felt so alone and ready to go. My 2 sons were there. My Mom was devastated that she couldn't be there because dad can't be left alone and everyone else was working. I have been home since Thursday and I am still very weak. My foot that I broke 3 weeks ago has not begun to heal. Sometimes I just sit here and think ...What's the point in fighting it? Many years ago, I was so sick. I was in bed for the better part of 6 years. MY HARRY got me through it and they finally found a treatment that got me out of bed and back to living. Now, I just don't know what I feel. (besides lousy). Still have a few tests to take and maybe I will have the answers then but it is a week away.

Permalink Reply by Max on May 3, 2010 at 6:53pm

Peg...you will be in my thoughts and prayers. We haven't communicated too much, but we are the same age (58 right?). My Honey has been gone from me 68 days and we were married for 40 years. We met in high school and he's the best thing that EVER happened to me. What's the use indeed we often wonder. Minute by minute, right? That's about the best we can usually do, though sometimes I take one step forward and three backward. Which gives some veracity to the statement "don't know if I'm coming or going". Keep us all posted about how you are doing. Good thoughts coming your way from Max.

Permalink Reply by Max on May 3, 2010 at 6:58pm

Chris B said:

Dan's birthday is tomorrow (would have been tomorrow? was tomorrow? whatever). He died January 19, 2010. It's the first time in seventeen years that I'm not going to be able to tell him "Happy birthday". My way of dealing with it has been by trying to stay busy and not think about it. I can't change it, and I can't bring him back, all I can do is try to focus on making my "now" the best that I can. Tomorrow will get here soon enough and I will have to deal with it then.

I took the day off work tomorrow, because I know that sitting at my desk for 8+ hours would be a bad thing. I also tried to find some things to do to stay busy, because I know that sitting at home alone on a weekend is a bad idea for me. I either sleep all the time and end up feeling sick because I don't eat and oversleep, or I get depressed and start feeling suicidal again. So I have some appointments scheduled for tomorrow.

I spent today with friends, working at our local Renaissance Faire. It was a beautiful day and I had a good time. It kept me busy, and the times that I did think about Dan were more "melancholy" instead of "devastating". When I got in the car at the end of the Faire, I found I had a voicemail from his mother, who called and wanted to talk "because I know tomorrow is going to be hard for both of us". And when I got home I had an email from his brother, talking about how much he misses his brothers (Dan's other brother died in September, so the youngest lost both brothers in four months). And all I want to do is crawl into a hole and not talk about it.

I don't want to talk about him to anyone. Because talking about him just makes me have to deal with how much I miss him, how happy we were, and how freaking miserable the fact that I have another forty-plus years to exist without him is. I don't want to look at the future, because looking at the future makes me have to deal with the fact that it's a future without him. I don't want to look at the past, because looking at the past makes me remember how happy we were and how content I was with my life. All I want to do is go crawl in my little hidey-hole of "now" and pretend that everything is okay. It's the only way I'm surviving. I don't want to be "relied on" by anyone. I don't want to feel like I have to be anyone's emotional support, and I don't want to know how much anyone else misses him or how much anyone else loved him, because dammit, I don't have the emotional energy to care. I don't know how I am going to make it through tomorrow, let alone having to deal with anyone else's emotional weight.

Permalink Reply by Max on May 3, 2010 at 7:02pm

Chris. I'm hoping you are making it through the day. I too feel that I can't be anyone else's emotional support, as I have enough difficulty keeping MYSELF upright. We are here for you and it's good to vent. So you just keep letting the grief pour out of your heart. Really, what else can we do? Thinking good thoughts for you today. From Max

Permalink Reply by Janet Farthing on May 3, 2010 at 10:04pm

My husband was buried on Easter this year. Someone brought my son an Easter basket and I remember thinking why. It just did not register. I dread everyday and every special first. I do well to get out of bed. I'm so sorry for all of us.
Janet

Permalink Reply by Marian on May 5, 2010 at 10:16pm

Peg Otley said:

Marian,
Your sons graduation is going to be hard but remember, his Dad will be there in all your hearts. On the other hand, he worked hard to get where he is and that cannot be taken away from him. That day is HIS day so pull every ounce of strength you can muster and celebrate (knowing his dad is watching and smiling with all of you). My prayers are with you all.

Marian said:

I understand what you are all saying regarding holiday or special day" firsts", although I haven't had that many yet-my husband of 31 years died on January 16th-but I have had plenty of other "firsts" that have been traumatic..settling medical bills, doing taxes alone, fixing things that seem to be breaking everyday, selling and buying a car, bills, accounts, decisions that I never had to make alone...and my son's upcoming College Graduation in two weeks...HELP!

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