Months have grown day by day,
It’s now five months since he went away,
Thoughts are full and hearts do weigh,
Without him here to share the way,
Time may dull the hand of fate,
Memory forever recalls the date.


Today it is exactly 5 months and same time. This time I was in the hospital and wondering how can somebody's life change so soon. Whenever I give myself time to think the same scene keeps on playing like a flashback all the time. My husband lying on the hospital bed eyes closed; Chaplain saying sorry we couldn't revive him; I trying to talk to him and asking him to stop playing this joke on me; Will my life get back to Normal? Will this nightmare ever end? Why can't I let go? Why can't it stop hurting?

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Its been 13 months 8 days since my wife died. She never regained consciousness for 6 hours after her heart attack during a nap. After all this time, I still wake up at the exact time we left the hospital to go home after she was pronounced. Hugs to you. I died when she died and have that flashback of hearing her die and seeing her dead.
I read your post Randolgh and I just realized I never saw my Loni dead.
I couldn.t take it to be with her at the very last moment. I saw her dying and had the oxygen removed from her nose, and then I couldn't stand to be there anylonger. It was bad watching Loni blowing brown stuff out her nose and coughing it out her mouth and choking on it. The nurse couldn't keep up with it cleaning Loni up, and I knew she was finally dying. I had to go.
I don't feel guilty for leaving, I've seen enough of dying.
I go back to my memory of Loni being awake for her last time and when she bit my finger to let me know she loved me. That's the memory I will always remember, and will live with.
I am sorry Randolph for all of us who have to go through all this. I think what keeps on hurting me so much is his not being sick or anything and not having those last talks. He had so many dreams so much to do. He loved travelling and was planning world tour with my oldest son. On Dec 18th we came back from Cuba and Dec 23 I was gone. We didn't get time to be prepared for all this. He wasn't ready either. I could literally feel his sorrow & bewilderment surrounding me. I had to and still promise him that I will take care of everything that he couldn't finish to ease his transition in the other world. At night when I lie on the bed I literally feel chest pain(which is nothing medical). I hope this feeling will ease a bit.

Randolph L. Schrader said:
Its been 13 months 8 days since my wife died. She never regained consciousness for 6 hours after her heart attack during a nap. After all this time, I still wake up at the exact time we left the hospital to go home after she was pronounced. Hugs to you. I died when she died and have that flashback of hearing her die and seeing her dead.
Tom the last conversation I had with my husband was 2 1/2 hrs ago stating that all his tests are good and he was planning to take his dad back home for a visit. We both went to Cuba just a week before for which I am extremely glad that we spent time with each other. But was he ready to go? Was he hurting as badly as I am still? Who will answer this Tom?

Tom said:
I read your post Randolgh and I just realized I never saw my Loni dead.
I couldn.t take it to be with her at the very last moment. I saw her dying and had the oxygen removed from her nose, and then I couldn't stand to be there anylonger. It was bad watching Loni blowing brown stuff out her nose and coughing it out her mouth and choking on it. The nurse couldn't keep up with it cleaning Loni up, and I knew she was finally dying. I had to go.
I don't feel guilty for leaving, I've seen enough of dying.
I go back to my memory of Loni being awake for her last time and when she bit my finger to let me know she loved me. That's the memory I will always remember, and will live with.
I remember when my son died I kept wanting life to go back to normal and I feel that way now but in the four months since my husband's death but I realise it never will. We will form a new normal. It does feel that you are walking around in a nightmare for a long time and that feeling will everntually go away.
You are in my prayers.
Judy
I would hope that we are all ready to go when it's our turn, even if we are not given any notice in advance. As for if he was hurting about leaving you behind, I would be sure of that. There's no hurt now for him even though the love is still there. Love endures all ! What you believe in, is your way to understanding.
Some peace can be achived by having trust, and faith in your beliefs. I like to think that the good, outweighs the bad. I try my best to consentrate on the good.

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