t is three month now! I feel this nightmare is not ending for me 'just being here' without my Baby Fernando. I am still figuring out what I supposed to do, apart from making everyone aware of Lung Cancer and wanting to fight against the medical establishment. But what about Fernando and me we suppose to be together forever growing old so we can see our children bringing up our grandchildren and then we can fulfill the duty we so looked forward to 'spoiling' our gandkids rotten and smile when our children ask for advise on their our gandchildren. The travelling and we wanted to discover us again after spending like donkeys on working to get a good life! WHAT HAPPEND TO OUR SIMPLE DREAM!!! I wanted to share this with my love of my live but now I have to tell him everthing what happend when we meet again looking into his eyes and I bet he wanted to be there for his daddy's girl wedding and the birth (not actual birht giving)))) of the grandchildren. He wanted to see his son growing up from a boy to a man. I want him with me and I miss him so much. Although I am trying to do the best for my children not to cry, I can not feel that by not crying they will be one of these people who keep it in and I think that is wrong. I have good and bad days, no let me correct it I have bad and worse to horrible days but you would never guess because I keep it in smiling talking to people for the fact that I do not want a counsellor or anyond to meddle! I just do not understand people who came up and do not have a clue how it feels that your future you thought you had is ... ? They make me upset and crazy, I just want to grief and people stop telling me live has to go on this is .... I am in love always and forever. Why did he go? I LOVE YOU MY ITALIAN STALLION FERNANDO SANTINI.

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Replies to This Discussion

Fernandohulya I am very sorry for your loss. My husband left me on Dec 23, 2009. At 2:30 p.m. he was fine and talking to me and at 4:30 p.m. while watching t.v. he had silent heart attack and no more. For you it is only three months it will take time. How much or less nobody knows we are all grieving here. Grieve the way you feel it is right for you. I will pray for you.
You said it so well. Everything I feel you wrote. The only thing different is that I cry in front of my kids. So much in fact that I feel I am going to mess them up even more than they are already. My daughter asks me to please stop because it makes her sad. But I know how it feels not only to lose your soulmate, partner, lover, best friend, he was my everything! I know what it feels like to lose your hopes, dreams, your life long plans. All the thing we were going to do! We had our whole life planned out and now its all gone! Just like that. My kids have grown so much in the last weeks. He will never see them grow, get married, never he will see our grandchildren. When they gave us the death sentence at the hospital that;'s one of the things he spoke of as I cried hysterically in his lap and he stroked my hair. "Grandchildren, Basia, yes grandchildren". and now its all gone.
I miss you so much! I want you back!
Fernandohulya, I am a counselor, my husband died in Jan. and honestly I feel pretty much the same as you are expressing right now. I did learn when my son died that you can continue smiling and talking when you are in excrutiating pain inside. You are in my prayers.
Judy
Hurting, I can not imagine what you have gone through to lose your soulmate just like an instant. My sincerest sympathy for your loss. Thank you so much for your prayers as at the moment I do not believe in ... I can not say it as I feel the took the wrong person for no good reason! My thoughts will be with you))))

Hurting said:
Fernandohulya I am very sorry for your loss. My husband left me on Dec 23, 2009. At 2:30 p.m. he was fine and talking to me and at 4:30 p.m. while watching t.v. he had silent heart attack and no more. For you it is only three months it will take time. How much or less nobody knows we are all grieving here. Grieve the way you feel it is right for you. I will pray for you.
Basia, you took evertyhing from my thoughts, we think a like and yes I do occassionally cry infront of the kids before it was 24/7. But I force myself so much to think of good memories so they will not go to waste. The fact that we have to know life without our soulmates is a total nightmare for me that everyday I am battling for reasons to stay in this world alive. The children are so resiliant and end of the day they are our image when we were younger. I have a daughter she is 15 and going to be on the 11/09 16 years, my hubby wanted to be there. My son turned 12 years around two weeks after my husband pass...(do not want to write it down). My brithday came and it was just and still is slowly killing me. The world does not seem that rosy or inviting anymore but a dark lonley place without the warm place beside our soulmates. My husband always glided his hand over my face so he said he could feel my face. His omly wish was not to win the lottery but what would be his winning wish would have been to see his grandchildren. I want that too, my husband back so much and I would give literally anything.

Basia said:
You said it so well. Everything I feel you wrote. The only thing different is that I cry in front of my kids. So much in fact that I feel I am going to mess them up even more than they are already. My daughter asks me to please stop because it makes her sad. But I know how it feels not only to lose your soulmate, partner, lover, best friend, he was my everything! I know what it feels like to lose your hopes, dreams, your life long plans. All the thing we were going to do! We had our whole life planned out and now its all gone! Just like that. My kids have grown so much in the last weeks. He will never see them grow, get married, never he will see our grandchildren. When they gave us the death sentence at the hospital that;'s one of the things he spoke of as I cried hysterically in his lap and he stroked my hair. "Grandchildren, Basia, yes grandchildren". and now its all gone.
I miss you so much! I want you back!
Judy you must be a very strong woman to have this beautiful faith to lose your husband and your son. My deepest sympahty of both loses, this is not fair! It makes me upset what people have to go through.It must be even more diffcult for a counselor going back in to work? Thank you so much for the prayes!


judy taylor said:
Fernandohulya, I am a counselor, my husband died in Jan. and honestly I feel pretty much the same as you are expressing right now. I did learn when my son died that you can continue smiling and talking when you are in excrutiating pain inside. You are in my prayers.
Judy
Fernandohulya, Plese accept my sincere sympathy for your loss. I lost my husband on November 9, 2009. He had not been feeling well for some time but I never believed that he would pass away then. I am still grieving for him. I miss him so very much. We were fortunate that he was able to see his children grow up and some of his grandchildren grow up. (We have a 20 year old grandaughter). We have an adopted daughter that is just 21 and he didn't make it to see her graduate from college. I have very bad days and nights all the time. I really don't think I have had a "good" day. People mean well when they tell you that "life goes on." They have no idea what you are going through. Maybe you and the children need to cry together. It might make you all feel a little better. Life is not fair but we cannot do anything about it. I will remember you and your children in my prayers as well as the rest of us on this site. May God Bless You.
Connie, thank you so much for the prayers. I just feel that the world has changed to the worst in most of life choices/enviorment. We all spend money like crazy because we trained from the government to spend so the economie survives and all the material things we buy is mostly built to last no more than 5 years. Know I have to grieve fast so i fit in to the society and get on with life. . I am sorting out still some of the insurances and they all expect that I will then get on with my life and that time will heal my pain.What a load of nonsense, in time we learn how to deal with it better or hide our pain because peopel think that grieving has a time scale and after some years I should stop being so intensive.I am 37 so many 'people' say to me I am young and my life will get better. Some even said I might meet someone else. That is so painfull to hear and rude... I do not want anyone else other than my Baby Fernando.

Connie said:
Fernandohulya, Plese accept my sincere sympathy for your loss. I lost my husband on November 9, 2009. He had not been feeling well for some time but I never believed that he would pass away then. I am still grieving for him. I miss him so very much. We were fortunate that he was able to see his children grow up and some of his grandchildren grow up. (We have a 20 year old grandaughter). We have an adopted daughter that is just 21 and he didn't make it to see her graduate from college. I have very bad days and nights all the time. I really don't think I have had a "good" day. People mean well when they tell you that "life goes on." They have no idea what you are going through. Maybe you and the children need to cry together. It might make you all feel a little better. Life is not fair but we cannot do anything about it. I will remember you and your children in my prayers as well as the rest of us on this site. May God Bless You.
You know after my husband left I felt the same way. My father in law is 90 yrs and healthy. Why would God take my husband? It wasn't his time yet. After that the weather in Alberta had been quiet bad for few weeks. Then everything tsunami & hurricanes etc. I used to think that even nature was protesting against this injustice by God.

Fernandohulya said:
Hurting, I can not imagine what you have gone through to lose your soulmate just like an instant. My sincerest sympathy for your loss. Thank you so much for your prayers as at the moment I do not believe in ... I can not say it as I feel the took the wrong person for no good reason! My thoughts will be with you))))
Hurting said:
Fernandohulya I am very sorry for your loss. My husband left me on Dec 23, 2009. At 2:30 p.m. he was fine and talking to me and at 4:30 p.m. while watching t.v. he had silent heart attack and no more. For you it is only three months it will take time. How much or less nobody knows we are all grieving here. Grieve the way you feel it is right for you. I will pray for you.
Hurting, my husband was sick during the bad weather in the Uk while the snow keeps coming back. That is what i thought too mother nature was protecting her young but God took him because the day he left my side was the day the sun out and the sky was blue glaring straight to the sky/heaven if it exists??? I lost my faith and justice.

Hurting said:
You know after my husband left I felt the same way. My father in law is 90 yrs and healthy. Why would God take my husband? It wasn't his time yet. After that the weather in Alberta had been quiet bad for few weeks. Then everything tsunami & hurricanes etc. I used to think that even nature was protesting against this injustice by God.

Fernandohulya said:
Hurting, I can not imagine what you have gone through to lose your soulmate just like an instant. My sincerest sympathy for your loss. Thank you so much for your prayers as at the moment I do not believe in ... I can not say it as I feel the took the wrong person for no good reason! My thoughts will be with you))))
Hurting said:
Fernandohulya I am very sorry for your loss. My husband left me on Dec 23, 2009. At 2:30 p.m. he was fine and talking to me and at 4:30 p.m. while watching t.v. he had silent heart attack and no more. For you it is only three months it will take time. How much or less nobody knows we are all grieving here. Grieve the way you feel it is right for you. I will pray for you.
I lost my husband to lung cancer on May 4th. He was diagnosed on March 4th. I take each day as its own. We also lost his mother a week later so we were hit with two losses and all we can do is take what each day brings us.
Mrs V, that what is I am doing living for each day because I think that there is no futrue for me but for my children. I am so shocked how fast your husband lost the battle. They told me my husband would not live long but I guess he survived longer because we did not acknowedge what they said and I think I cared better then any Dr he made it 9 month. He passed away because they refused treamtent. The Dr suspected he had Lung Cancer but we found out that on my Birthday that is the same day we met each other. I hate my Birthday it used to be my favourite day but now.

Mrs V said:
I lost my husband to lung cancer on May 4th. He was diagnosed on March 4th. I take each day as its own. We also lost his mother a week later so we were hit with two losses and all we can do is take what each day brings us.

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