I do not think you need to feel guilty and/or bad about going on the date OR your reaction to it. I think you needed to do BOTH, so _you_ will know when _you_ are ready (if ever) to date again.
You feel ambivalent - you don't want the long silences, the empty bed, the empty house. You see the eHarmony.com commercials (which I find Personally Annoying At Times (ha)), you see the couples in the restaurants, walking their dogs, with their children - and your heart aches to have someone (ideally, Malcolm, but you know you cannot) next to you.
Yet you do not want to forget Malcolm ..... and you feel you might be "untrue" to his memory if you start to think of life without him and life beyond him.
I think you are (a) wonderful (b) not awful; I think _you_ will know the time when you want to move on, to open your heart to love, again.
It has been nearly a year since Byron died on 29 June 2009; I miss him terribly, but I long for someone to come home to, someone to be able to say: "Can you believe what these people wanted me to do today; the Thirteenth Amendment Prohibits Slavery In These United States And I've Been Free For A Couple Of Hundred Years!) DISCLOSURE: 1. I am a Database Administrator (Oracle/SQL Server/some DB2) 2. I are a black woman (and yes, I said it (ha))
I find myself looking at other men, longing for one to be special to me; I may be old (I are a 1958 Baby), but I'm not dead, and I can see that UPS guys generally have nicer legs than FedEx guys and waaaay better legs than the United States Postal Service (it's the little brown shorts).
(And of course, ALL firefighters are _princes_ and are extremely cute!!!!!!! (a special "shout-out" to the fine gentlemen of Chino Valley Fire!)
And I'm pretty sure that Byron would want me to eventually find someone else, being (relatively) young...but NO ONE will ever take the place of my Old, Tired, Decrepit White Man With No Gluteus Maximus, and I will ALWAYS love him!
Peace, blessing and healing be with you - Yaca Attwood Perkins