Feeling lost and lonely

I was just wondering if anyone can relate to feeling very lost and almost scaringly lonely. My husband was my best friend and we did everything together. Really didnt have many friends outside of each other. Now I am realizing I guess that may have not been a very healthy way to live. Because I now feel like I have hardly anyone. My one close friend whom I have done alot with , in fact me, my husband and her used to be like the three musketeers, may be moving away very soon due to having her job cut back to only part time. Of course I am thinking to myself oh great, now what am I going to do. I do know that is very selfish and self centered for me to be thinking that way. I am just scared and fearful because I find myself almost getting panicky about how lonely I feel. I feel like I dont know what to do to get out of this situation.I do work a full time job and thank God I do because it at least gives me something to do and puts me around some other people. I find myself not even hardly feeling comfortable going out to do my errands, like grocery shopping, or going to the gym. I really dont even feel good about me anymore. Thinking that I dont have anything to offer anyone,especially since I feel so depressed all the time. However I have always been really good about hiding my feelings, and I dont think people that dont really know me would suspect how depressed I am.I was always the introvert and my husband was the extravert so we complimented each other quite well. But I do find it very difficult for me to reach out to others and try and make new friends.So anyone that can relate to me or give me some advice I would greatly appreciate it. thanks, cindy

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Permalink Reply by Connie on June 29, 2010 at 12:29am

Cindy, I, too, am lonely and frightened. I never lived alone before in my life. I am terrified of being alone. I am making decisions that I am not sure I should be making or even whether these decisions are the best for me. I am on anti-depressants and sleeping pills and sometimes that does not even help. As you said, we too did everything together. Even if it was to go to the gas station 1/4 of a mile away, we would go together. Grocery shopping, Christmas shopping, there was never a time that we were alone. Even near the end when he couldn't walk well, he would still go with me. He would wait in the car because he couldn't walk around the stores but he was outside waiting for me. Life is hell and there is no easy way around this. It is going to take a lot of determination to get through what we are experiencing. I wish there was something that I could say that would make it better for you right now but, unfortunately, there isn't. The only bright spot I can offer you is this website. There is always someone available to listen and to help out in whatever way they can. May God Bless You and I will remember you in my prayers.

Permalink Reply by Patricia L. Herrera on June 29, 2010 at 8:26am

Hi Cindy,
I'm so sorry for your loss. I too lost my husband on March 22, 2010. We were married 34 years. He was my soul mate and we did everything together. I know exactly how you feel about not having anyone to turn to or having other friends. I am retired and never did have many friends because of being a working Mom and Wife. Then my husband was diagnosed with a terminal illness and given 5 years to live. When that happened, I really isolated myself because he needed me full time. You mentioned that your still working. That is good...maybe you can still make friends from your work or join a Church group where you can meet people. You need to get out and not keep yourself isolated. If you feel very depressed, maybe you need to get on some anti-depressants. I felt like you and didn't leave my house for a long time. Then I called my local Hospice organization and talked to a bereavement coordinator. She gave me a 3 hours private session. I met with her that one time and Cindy I am feeling so much better. She brought out emotions that I thought I didn't have. I am now able to live without being scared, I'm getting out more, visiting with neighbors and taking a better interest in my grand-children, my son and daughter. You need to talk to someone. You can also call your minister or someone who can guide you through this heart breaking journey of life. You need to keep yourself healthy and keep in mind, God left you here for a reason. He's not ready for you now. He must want you to do something either for yourself or someone else. I had always told my husband that I wanted to go with him. I couldn't bare the thought of living without him. He always told me, I needed to be here for our children. They are already grown but he told me they still need me. I don't know if you have children. I used to be scared to live alone but I am feeling pretty independent now. I do have my weepy times now and then but since I talked with the people at Hospice I am really feeling more secure about my life. I will pray for you Cindy that you find peace in your heart. If you ever need to talk, please contact me. God bless you and have a good day!!

Permalink Reply by Fernandohulya on June 29, 2010 at 11:32am

Cindy I feel mostly what Connie wrote down. I am so in doubt and in crisis with myself that even little decisions are a huge thing for me. I always trusted my Babies knowledge and lets face it he always made a very good choice. I hate to do things apart being in the house but not my horrid neighbours and their monsters (evil). That did not mean I done my own choices but I loved the sharing and the caring. For being lonely, I like it at the moment that people do not bother me anymore, fantastic. The important thing is that when you make friends now they are more likely to be better as they are supportive of what you gone through so, take little steps and get your confidence back first. Get yourself a treat or go to the cinema with one good friend.

Permalink Reply by Connie on June 29, 2010 at 11:50pm

Cindy, Please accept my sincere sympathy on the loss of your husband. I lost my Phil on November 9th, 2009. It was the worst day of my life. I feel like I have nothing to live for but to wait for the day I am reunited with him. We were married for 46 years in October. I was just 18 years old when we married and we had a wonderful life together. We both dedicated our lives to each other and our children. I am so tired of people asking me how I am when they really don't care. One day I am going to tell them how I am. I feel like someone reached in and pulled my heart right out of my chest. People really mean no harm but they don't understand what it is like to lose the one person in your life that you truly loved. I don't know how we are going to get through this but together, I think we have a chance. I am fortunate enough to have a really close friend who also lost her husband 11 years ago and she does understand what I am feeling and what is best for me right now. I also have really great children who worry about me and make sure that I am taken care of. They are great but can't give me the one thing that I need most in life and that is my sweetheart back. I hope, for your sake, that you are able to pick up the pieces and go on with life. May God Bless you.

Permalink Reply by judy on June 30, 2010 at 12:38am

Cindy, I also identify with this because my husband and I had been best friends through our marriage and also all through high school. About two weeks before he died I told him we ought to cultivate some friends besides my sister and our daughters because if something should happen to one of us the other would be so lost. He said he was game to try but wasn't really interested in other friends, well he didn't have to try and that left me. I realize I will have to give this some thought but right now I am doing enough just to see my clients and coworkers and family. I do have the church and have gone there all my life but we really didn't belong to any particular friendship group and did all of our stuff together. We had a wonderful marriage, but I guess the early stages of grief may not be the best time to try to make new friends. We are handicapped by grief and fatique but I think eventually I will need to address this issue.

Permalink Reply by Karen Kikukawa on June 30, 2010 at 2:16pm

Lonely, yes, I feel the same as you. My husband was my best friend. No kids, seems to make it even lonelier. We did everything together. I feel like a chair that has lost one leg. Tettering, not sure what to do. Keep busy with work, family but it's like a cloud. I lost him in Dec 2008 and still haven't gotten my life together. I told myself I would get more involved with church, which I have. Want to join a gym, which I need to do. I know it was his fate and I need to accept. After suffering in the hospital for 21 days he finally wanted to stop trying and went peacefully. His body just couldn't take it anymore. We were married for a short 23 years. It took us a while to find each other and we talked about sitting together in rocking chairs and reminiscing about our lives. Well guess, like you we have to build another dream.

Permalink Reply by Nancy Peterson on June 30, 2010 at 2:42pm

Dear Cindy, I can relate and I have friends! I loved being with my husband and we did everything together! Im having a terrible time! He was my everything....only time and God can heel us and in the meantime I just jave to keep moving forward..for everyones sake. GOD will show you some peace and a new life...give it time. IM INTHE SAME BOAT...WE ARE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT...REACH OUT WHENEVER YOU CAN....also helping others and someone else helps alot.

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on June 30, 2010 at 8:14pm

just wanted to thank everyone who has replied to my , feeling lost and lonely, it really does help to know their are others out their that know exactly how you feel. wish we werent scattered all over the place so we could get together in person. i am leaving for san antonio, tx tomorrow and staying till sunday. i am going with some friends as this was planned along time ago. however i really have thought long and hard about canceling my trip but i hate to disappoint anyone. needless to say i really dont enjoy anything anymore and the people i am going with are friends but i really am not very close with them. not that is important i just dont want to bring anyone down just because i am always down.this was a trip my husband and i had planned on taking together. i really think he would have wanted me to go, but it is so hard to even want to without him.i miss him so very much. it sounds like we all do.God Bless you all for responding to me and I will pray for each and every one .

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on July 1, 2010 at 12:46am

Cindy, I totally agree with your life now as I am going thru the same life style. I have no friends,her side of the family is out of the picture since my wifes sudden death. No one to relate to my age. Am a recluse with no hope to ever change. Lonely and lost fits pretty good now. Guess I am out to pasture now. I can only offer an ear and a hug. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by bc on July 1, 2010 at 7:59am

Connie, I too spent 24/7 with my husband who passed away 8/5/09, we even went to the gas station together! We didn't need friends, we had each other so I too am afraid of facing my future without him. There is nothing I feel like doing, everything is a chore because I'm doing it myself, not with him. I don't know what to do, people say get out and do things, keep busy, but what if I don't feel like it. Brad died very suddenly, he left the house in his car and 30 seconds later had a sudden cardia arrest and he was gone. So am I now.
Barb

Connie said:

Cindy, I, too, am lonely and frightened. I never lived alone before in my life. I am terrified of being alone. I am making decisions that I am not sure I should be making or even whether these decisions are the best for me. I am on anti-depressants and sleeping pills and sometimes that does not even help. As you said, we too did everything together. Even if it was to go to the gas station 1/4 of a mile away, we would go together. Grocery shopping, Christmas shopping, there was never a time that we were alone. Even near the end when he couldn't walk well, he would still go with me. He would wait in the car because he couldn't walk around the stores but he was outside waiting for me. Life is hell and there is no easy way around this. It is going to take a lot of determination to get through what we are experiencing. I wish there was something that I could say that would make it better for you right now but, unfortunately, there isn't. The only bright spot I can offer you is this website. There is always someone available to listen and to help out in whatever way they can. May God Bless You and I will remember you in my prayers.

Permalink Reply by Paula on July 1, 2010 at 6:44pm

I could have written your story almost word for word. My husband was the introvert and I was always the outgoing one, but he was inseure and wanted us to do everything together. I really didn't have many friends except co-workers my whole life. I have a problem with going out in the evening, I'd rather be home. I think I'm by myself too much, but don't know what else to do about it. I'm looking at joining a church that has groups for widows, but I'm only 57, so I'm not sure I would fit in. My family would spend more time with me, but I don't ask. Too much pride I guess. Most nights it just me and the dog. I did take line dance classes for 6 weeks and might do it again, it was at our local playground and was all women. I just started a 6 week grief support group, and could maybe stay in touch with some of the women there. I guess I wasn't too much help, but you need to be around people, just like I do. I've been a widow for almost 9 months.

Permalink Reply by Donna Chapman on July 2, 2010 at 1:45pm

Hi Cindy, I was looking up an obit and happened to see this site. I said goodbye to my husband 4yrs. ago this coming Aug. He died ironicly the day before his birthday. He was my best friend too but unlike you I did have a lot of friends and family to help me through. I am glad to hear that you are working fulltime because it does fill the time. Since it puts you around other people canyou talk to them. you never know someone maybe going through a similar situation and you can share with that person. I to felt it hard to do errands because it reminded me of our time together. I have a friend who when I started sounding down directed me to my doctor who did diagnose me with situational depression and started me on medication tha I am still on and doing very well. Most of all be honest with yourself. You are important to someone and they would miss you if you weren't there. You may not realize tha you are in a comfort zone no matter how uncomfortable you feel. You may need to step out of that comfort zone. Hope this helps even a little. Bless you.