Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by judy on July 21, 2010 at 12:43am

wonderful analogy with sharing the ring, our entire family read the trilogy and loved it. Frank wasn't here when the movies came out but we knew they would have pleased him and we watched each one together as a family. Yes, carrying this is a heavy load pray we emerge as Frodo not Gollum.

Yaca Attwood said:

"Arrrggggh.....widower/widowhood just MIGHT be contagious! If I asymptotically acknowledge and empathize with YOUR loss, it just might happen to ME!"

So, others fear us, hold us at arm's length - they don't call, write or visit after a certain period. Most of them want to, but their fear overwhelms everything else - and so we are left with those who walk the same road as us, who water the ground with our tears, who know the long moments of life, the fearsome silences, the empty beds, the pictures that seem like shadows of a life lived.......


All of us are like Frodo the Hobbit at the end of "The Lord Of The Rings" - we have carried a heavy burden; we have been marked by grevious wounds, and although in time and through process, we emerge into a place of healing, nevertheless, as Gandalf told Frodo: "Alas, there are some wounds which cannot be (completely) healed"

May the Lord grant all of us strength to bear our love, freedom to express our grief and grace towards those who do not walk as we walk

Yaca Attwood Perkins

Permalink Reply by Beth on August 22, 2010 at 4:12pm

I am new to this site and have been reading these particular comments. I lost my husband in Nov/09. He was 55 and I am 51. It has been very difficult but I am coping the best I can. What disappoints me the most is the lack of support from people. My husband was diagnosed with cancer in June/09 and there was lots of support throughout his illness. I started a Caring Bridge site and received lots of support there. Now, nothing. I thought I would like to move back home to my family. I moved away 24yrs ago. After returning for a visit this summer, I felt like I would be taking a giant step backwards. Plus..my mother is not very supportive. I told her today how lonely I am and it's too quiet and she responded "imagine how I feel". She's 80 and has been widowed for 18yrs. I really expected more support than that. Also,it was our 25th wedding anniversary while I was home to visit and she never said a word to me. My in-laws called and cried on the phone with me, but nothing from my mother. My sister wants to compare her son breaking up with his girlfriend to my loss. She was very close to the girl and feels the loss and tells me she knows exactly how I feel. It was a girlfriend... not a spouse!! Plus, she seems to think the best thing for me would be to move back home. As if I need her to make decisions for me. She says it's what she wants. It's really all about her. My husband saw this from the moment he met her. He was always kind to her, but did not really like her. Now I am seeing what he saw. I miss him so much it hurts. He was wise and I have the common sense. I miss him having the answers when I can't see them. I miss talking to him. I know I'm rambling, there's just so much I've had to deal with and no one seems to understand. I live in an area I don't like and have been trying to get my husband to move for years now. I don't fit in here. I have acquaintances, but no real friends. I have always been a people pleaser and most friends just suck the life out of me. It's always about them and I don't have the desire or energy to care anymore. Thanks for letting me get some of this out. It's like you are thrown into this whole different realm that no one else can understand.

Beth

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on August 22, 2010 at 4:30pm

Beth, this is a good place to vent and know that all of us will share and understand . When LouAnn died, I died. Its 16 months for me. All of her friends and family diaappeared when she died. Nobody calls or comes over. Why am I the only one who cares ? But we all care here. Hugs to you. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Beth on August 22, 2010 at 6:29pm

Randolph,
I know how you feel. I feel like my life is over. We were supposed to grow old together and enjoy our time finally since our last child had graduated from high school right before my husband was diagnosed. Your life as you know it is over. I put my house on the market, so once the focus of that was gone, it has really hit me hard that my husband is gone. I know there's hope and maybe I'll have some kind of future, but nothing like what I was expecting. It's so hard to put on a happy face when you feel so empty inside.

Permalink Reply by Fernandohulya on August 23, 2010 at 9:12am

I am so fortunate to find this site all my thoughts and feelings are shared with people who understand what I am going through without the false politeness and the annoying slinence that they might hurt my feelings but they already have done it. When I try to make everyone understands how I feel having no future because I have not my soulmate by my side I get the distance of me moving to the arctic. The growing old together and enjoying the family, the little things that is so important and beeing happy with the life I had with Fernando should be treasured and shared but instead I am treated like I have the plague, telling me I have to get on with my life. Not talking about Fernando makes me so angry as he never existed in this world, this thorw away culture stretches is starting to get to me.
I have not changed my statuse but I have to do it soon as I get letter asking for it, just can not bring myself to do it as I feel it is like a divorce. Such a final thing to do!
Some ask me how I am?
Well, after fighting first to get a diagnosis for my son and get the needed operation my husband got cancer fighting the it will all his might without the support he should have got for nine month. The Dr were, not all of them, horrible monsters who have a title. Oh, yes the kids are so srewed up with all their Dad not being with them not seeing the graduation, their first job, the wedding and his wish to see his grandchildren. So how are you?
I know they trying be polite but why do they not came around for a little chat instead it is small talk like it was not important that someone who was kind to them and they knew him for along time. My head is so all over the place these days.

On Wedensday it is going to be 6 month and it is getting worse as i do not want to believe it is true. My Baby is alone as I am too, apart!

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on August 23, 2010 at 9:48pm

BETH,
MY HUSBAND ALSO PASSED AWAY FROM CANCER. HE LIVED THREE MONTH AFTER DIAGNOISIS. IT TOOK HIM QUICKLY BUT THANK GOD HE DIDNT SUFFER LONG AT ALL. TALKING ABOUT FAMILY SUPPORT, I AM LIKE YOU, I DONT HAVE MUCH, MAYBE NOT ANY. THE FAMILY SEEMED RATHER SYMPATHETIC AT FIRST BUT AFTER ABOUT TWO WEEKS IT WAS LIKE IT HAD NEVER HAPPENED. MY MOM IS SO WRAPPED UP IN HER OWN PITY PARTY SHE DOESNT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE MINE. THAT HURTS SO BAD BECAUSE SHE WAS THE KIND OF MOM THAT WAS ALWAYS THEIR FOR ME.I REALIZE SHE IS 80 AND GETTING OLDER BUT I NEED TO FEEL LIKE SOMEONE IS TRYING TO SUPPORT ME. MY BROTHER AND HIS FAMILY WHOM I HAVE NEVER BEEN CLOSE TOO, HAD INVITED ME FOR A VISIT AND THEN BARELY SPOKE TO ME. MY CHILDREN ARE YOUNG ADULTS SO WRAPPED UP IN THEIR OWN LIFE THEY DONT SEEM TO EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE MY DESPAIR EITHER. SO I TRULY FEEL SO ALONE. I READ WHERE YOU ARE A PEOPLE PLEASER. SO AM I AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN. I CARE SO MUCH WHAT OTHERS THINK OF ME THAT I ALWAYS TRY TO BE THEIR FOR THEM AND THEN DONT HAVE THE COURAGE TO TELL THEM THEY ARENT BEING THEIR FOR ME. SO I UNDERSTAND ABOUT FEELING LIKE THEY ARE SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF YOU. AT LEAST WHEN MY HUSBAND WAS AROUND HE WOULDNT LET PEOPLE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME. BUT HE ISNT HERE TO PROTECT ME ANYMORE.I MISS HIM SO VERY MUCH. WELCOME TO THIS SITE, I HOPE IT CAN BE OF HELP TO YOU.

Beth said:

I am new to this site and have been reading these particular comments. I lost my husband in Nov/09. He was 55 and I am 51. It has been very difficult but I am coping the best I can. What disappoints me the most is the lack of support from people. My husband was diagnosed with cancer in June/09 and there was lots of support throughout his illness. I started a Caring Bridge site and received lots of support there. Now, nothing. I thought I would like to move back home to my family. I moved away 24yrs ago. After returning for a visit this summer, I felt like I would be taking a giant step backwards. Plus..my mother is not very supportive. I told her today how lonely I am and it's too quiet and she responded "imagine how I feel". She's 80 and has been widowed for 18yrs. I really expected more support than that. Also,it was our 25th wedding anniversary while I was home to visit and she never said a word to me. My in-laws called and cried on the phone with me, but nothing from my mother. My sister wants to compare her son breaking up with his girlfriend to my loss. She was very close to the girl and feels the loss and tells me she knows exactly how I feel. It was a girlfriend... not a spouse!! Plus, she seems to think the best thing for me would be to move back home. As if I need her to make decisions for me. She says it's what she wants. It's really all about her. My husband saw this from the moment he met her. He was always kind to her, but did not really like her. Now I am seeing what he saw. I miss him so much it hurts. He was wise and I have the common sense. I miss him having the answers when I can't see them. I miss talking to him. I know I'm rambling, there's just so much I've had to deal with and no one seems to understand. I live in an area I don't like and have been trying to get my husband to move for years now. I don't fit in here. I have acquaintances, but no real friends. I have always been a people pleaser and most friends just suck the life out of me. It's always about them and I don't have the desire or energy to care anymore. Thanks for letting me get some of this out. It's like you are thrown into this whole different realm that no one else can understand.

Beth

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