When John was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer- I knew in my heart that his diagnosis meant the end of our lives as we knew it.As a former nurses aide and seeing many people in the process of dying, I knew it was very important for him to express what he wanted. The conversations of what he wanted to happen after he died were the hardest and most emotional we ever had.He told me he wanted to be cremated, and when the water in the Gulf turned 80 degrees, he wanted me to scatter his ashes at the place we always went to.He told me that he wanted this, so everytime I went to the beach, I would feel that he was there with me. Well, it sounded good except that this was the coldest Florida winter in many many years and it took a few months to get to that temp., so i have his ashes here at home.Now that the water has warmed, I too am faced with having to carry out his wishes. I would prefer to keep him here but do not feel it is my decision- it was his.So this weekend,that`s exactly what i will do.Thoughts of the oil spill and him going in there(although it hasn`t come this way yet) drive me mad but I can`t help but feel that he is trying to tell me, it time. I has been 6 mos since he died, I think I have gotten past the shock and awe of it all. I know it will be the final thing I can do for him, but this is what HE wanted. His dear life ended Jan 11 so I really do feel I truly lost him THAT day, all that`s left are the ashes of his cancer ridden body.His spirit left that body that day, and flew straight into my heart.His earthly shell to me is just that,a shell. His laughter, love and true fighting spirit will NEVER die, even though his body gave out.Sometimes the final of act of love is the hardest.