BURYING MY HUSBANDS ASHES

When my husband passed away in feb. we had to rush everything so fast because my husbands children from arizona could only stay a few days.Needless to say no arrangements had been made because that was an area that i chose not to venture in.So we hurriedly had the body cremated and made quick prepartion for the memorial service. Anyway i went and picked up the ashes a couple days after the memorial service and they have been at my home with me.My brother in law wants to have my husbands ashes buried while my husbands nephew is home on leave from the marines.That means sometime in the middle or end of july. I called today to try and get information about all of this and found myself getting very tearful. I knew this was suppose to be taking place but dont really know why I am not really ok with it. I know he wanted to be buried with his family and i understand all of that and i want to do what he wants but for some reason i am feeling really sad. of course i feel sad and depressed everyday, but this is especially making me more tearful.I am definantly not close with my husbands family. His brother and i had never had any contact until i called on him to help me with my husband after we found out about the cancer. I dont really think he cares about staying in contact now that his brother has passed on. In fact he and my husband really were never very close either. My husbands children, living in arizona, i probably only saw them 3 times for a few days at a time the whole 12 years we were together.I know we wont probably be keeping in contact with one another either. I had told my husband that i knew that the chance of me having a relationship with his family probably wouldnt happen because we are like total strangers to each other. It is a sad situation but what do you do. My husband had gotten very close with my immediate family.They became like his family.Holidays were always spent with my family or it would just be the two of us.I find myself just not wanting to deal with any kind of issues. I have become quite a procrastinater. I hate that i am going to have to deal with burying my husbands ashes because if it were left up to me i would just put it off. I dont know why i am feeling this way but i am. Just needed to write about this because i am feeling really down about this and really dont know why.Thanks for listening.

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Permalink Reply by Billy on July 10, 2010 at 10:55am

My spouse passed away 5 months ago. I'm still unable to scatter the ashes. I'm still unable to do a LOT of things. Do not "let" anyone pressure you into it. You are not ready to do this. If you are never able to scatter them that's o.k., too!!!! You do what feels best for YOU and don't let anyone "lay a guilt trip on you". I'm sorry for your loss and I know how awful the pain is.

Permalink Reply by Tom on July 10, 2010 at 11:56am

Hello Cindy,
When Loni and I got married she still had her husband before me ashes in the shed where i keep my tools. I waited a year before asking Loni if she had plans for him, and what they were about the ashes. I also told her if she wanted to just keep them it was alright with me too. I thought it was time to do something with them and finalize that part of their life. I didn't know for sure if it was the thing to do or even bring up. Loni did have a plan with the neptune society to have them scattered at sea. With me around now it was O.K. with her to do what was planned. No one wants to be alone, and with his ashes around Loni felt he was still with her. We followed up with the neptune society and had them scattered at sea. I think Loni was just not strong enough to do it on her own.
Loni loved him as I love her. The time came when it was O.K. do do it. I never told Loni I was tired of hearing about him, which was all the time. They had thirty years together married, and I would let Loni talk about him and her anytime she wanted to. Their life together was a part of Loni and I wanted all of Loni.
Loni loved me because I understood that. The time is up to you and no one else.
Tom

Permalink Reply by deborah diggs on July 10, 2010 at 3:13pm

Tracie,
I agree with all that you said, but i have to say that, this line is so beautiful and really sums up how I feel about my dear husband as well. "His spirit left that body that day, and flew straight into my heart". My God that is so beautiful.

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on July 11, 2010 at 11:44am

You are his wife so it IS up to you. Here is what our funeral director suggested to me. He is a friend of the family. He said that I can keep Harry's ashes with me and when I die he will get a double urn, mix our ashes together and then we can be buried together. THAT'S what I'm going to do. Harry will be with me forever even now. That way, we don't have to pay twice for grave openings either. I hope you have peace in your decision. I will pray for you.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on July 11, 2010 at 11:56am

Peg, I think its a great idea to wait and have our ashes put together. I want to have my ashes spread in Colorado like my wife's wishes. This way we can truly be together. Thanks for the input. Hopefully it wont be long. I died when my wife died. Hugs to you and to all. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Donna C. on July 12, 2010 at 10:45am

Dear Cindy --
I totally understand what you are saying. My husband died on Aug. 18, 2009 and I was not able to plan a memorial service or bury his ashes until Nov. 15, 2009. My friends gently urged me to go ahead with the service, as they suggested it would bring closure for friends and family. His family is far away, but helped from afar by helping me arrange a place for all of his side of the family to gather when the service was. I didn't want anyone at my home because it was too stressful, but we gathered at a hotel meeting room for snacks and fellowship so it turned out all right. My church did everything else. If you have a church you belong to it really helps to contact the minister, and he gets you in touch with the congregational care committee and the organist, and stuff. I didn't know what I wanted until I met with the minister. Meet with people whose job it is to do these things. You don't have to do it all by yourself. I didn't want to eulogize or do hardly anything and so many people stepped in and helped. See if there is a Columbarium at your church. I had never even heard of one, but it is a place, like a garden, on your church grounds where ashes are laid to rest. Now every time I go to church I can visit the place where Josh's ashes are kept. It will hold my ashes too, eventually. It is a neutral place, not with his family or my family; but our church was our family too and it seemed like the best place for his ashes. I really do understand how you feel. It seems to me that if you plan a memorial and bury the ashes it means you have to accept the fact that your huband is dead. I have such a hard time with that even now. Try to ask for help and go ahead with the process and it will go easier as you get into it. I hope my words can help you. God bless you!
Sincerely, Donna

Permalink Reply by deborah diggs on July 12, 2010 at 11:05am

just wanted to say still thinking of you and sending you prayerful thoughts...

CINDY POWELL said:

TRACIE
YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT IN EVERYTHING YOU SAID. I KNOW THAT MY HUSBAND WANTED TO BE BURIED IN THE SAME CEMETARY AS HIS FAMILY AND HE LET ME KNOW THAT. I HAVE TO BE WILLING TO MAKE SURE HIS WISHES ARE CARRIED OUT. I DONT KNOW WHY I AM FEELING THE WAY I AM FEELING PERHAPS IT IS THE FINALITY OF IT ALL. IF IT ALL HADNT BEEN SO RUSHED TO DO EVERYTHING QUICKLY I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO HAVE BURIED THE ASHES RIGHT THEN AND THEIR. I JUST FEEL LIKE NOW I AM GOING TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH ANOTHER HEART WRENCHING EXPERIENCE. I JUST HAVE BEEN FEELING SO SAD AND TEARFUL AS OF LATE. I THINK ALL OF THIS IS JUST FINALLY GETTING TO ME, IT HAS BEEN A LITTLE OVER 4 MONTHS, IN FACT IT WILL BE AROUND 5 WHEN WE BURY THE ASHES.I JUST FEEL SO LOST AND LONELY AS I HAVE STATED TO ALL OF YOU. WE REALLY NEED TO PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER, AND I WILL KEEP YOU ALL IN MY PRAYERS.

Permalink Reply by Robin Gustafson on July 13, 2010 at 7:35am

Here what did with my husband ashes I did what the family wanted bury some never told no I kept some then I gave some to guys he went fishing with they put some in to the lake where they all fishing together and then I going to get a cremation pendant that holds some ash and that for me and ever one happy. What no know is ok my me because I'm happy and I'm the wife.