Lately i have been noticing that i seem to be getting angrier and angrier by the day. I am sick of seeing others around me full of happiness when i am so miserable. Since my husband passed away feb 26th i feel like i have nothing to live for.He was my everything. I know some of you know exactly how i feel. But i dont like feeling like this. I am only 55 years old but I feel like my life is over. I just dont feel like i have a purpose anymore. I cant even talk to anyone about how i feel except this group of people because noone can understand or care how i feel. I hate feeling like this and some people say it is because all of my fear is turning to anger. I just know that if i have to feel like this from now on, i can only pray that i will be able to join my husband.I dont want to bring anyone down and I hate to sound so negative but i have to have someone i can talk too. I certainly have found out who my true friends really are through this ordeal, and believe me their arent very many.My one friend that I have known for 25 years , the one I thought i could probably count on, doesnt even call to check on me. I know that just because my life is miserable , doesnt mean that everyone elses life shouldnt go on as normal, but it hurts to know that what you thought was a friend isnt a friend.Some days i feel like i am going to have a nervous breakdown, just because i cant stand feeling so mentally and sometimes physically bad. I used to exercise on a regular basis , now I very rarely go to the gym. I have just lost my will to do anything other than go to work.Even at work I find myself with too much free time , that is how i found this web site but it is probably a blessing i found you all. Please pray for me, as I will pray for you.

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connie, i too have lost interest in everything.i used to exercise at least 5 times a week , now i am lucky if i go once every two weeks. i no longer cook or do much at all around the house.i have good intentions but just dont ever seem to be able to motivate myself. the joy that i once felt for life is gone. i know my husband wouldnt want me to feel this way but unfortunately thats how it is for now. maybe in time it will get better but i have lost my best friend and how do you get over that???
Cindy,

I can totally relate to how you feel, I noticed that people that I have known for many years such as your friends don't call or when I see then don't know what to say. I'm also just angry, like you I dare the world to be happy when I'm hurting so much... but I thought maybe they have already been through this and know they can smile and laugh again, like we will one day. My husband died 3/9/10 and it has not been easy by no means. I had a conversation with a lady at my job and I asked her how did she make it through when her husband died... she said always think of the good times and make yourself smile even if you cry still smile...I tried it... yes it made my face hurt(LOL) but I did feel a little better...Cindy your not alone.

I'm praying for all of us!!!!!
Greetings, Cindy,

I believe you are SUPPOSED to be angry- the love of your life is no longer with you, and YOU have to endure the loneliness, the silence, the lack, the heartache, the grieving. It would be surprising if you WEREN'T angry!

It was a looooong time before I could not feel the stiletto of anger and jealousy when I would see other couples out, holding hands, walking their dogs or being with their children... I wanted to SMASH the television EVERY TIME one of those highly annoying eHarmony.com/Match.com/Chemistry.com/insert_name_of_dating_site_here.com commercials would come on - how DARE those blissful, happy couples kiss, stare into one another's eyes while I had to remember watching Byron take his last breath, while the only thing I had were some pictures and a lock of hair!!!!!!

On one of my 'crying-every-step-of-the-way-30-minute-because-many-grieveing-books-advise-you-to-get-outside' walks - I decided to start _blessing_ every couple I saw, no matter now sad/angry/jealous it made me. Mirable dictu, it worked! I would just say a quick blessing: "Lord - bless that couple I see; may they not lose one another, may You give them a good and happy life together"

I cannot explain it - it goes against the tide of human experience and psychology (I laugh, for Byron was a Psy.D., a clinical psychologist) - but when I did that - it didn't hurt to see other couples after a looong while.

And, since many couples have cute babies (I ADORE babies -I love their funny little ways, I wonder what they think about all day long, like when you take them to the Post Office (they are probably not impressed), or to the mall) that I can admire - I often have a chance to say hello and compliment the couple on their beautiful baby!

I was so angry one Sunday, I found Byron's Beretta, and I took it to the local range, and I shot an entire box of ammunition! I felt immensely better, afterwards (although I did scare the hospice Bereavement Counselor when I told him - he was concerned) - but having had some screaming and crying sessions with him - I haven't felt the need to go to the range since.

I suggest you get something you can smash safely, or do something that will let you scream, yell, cry, curse - whatever YOU need to - because your anger is _real_, and it is legitimate - and its energy will help you to heal, if directed properly.

Peace, blessing, healing, comfort and grace be upon you - Yaca Attwood Perkins
I am one of few who never had anger. I have everything else though, big time. What I have instead of anger is...DISAPPOINTMENT, SADNESS, LETDOWN and BETRAYAL.
Hugs to all. Hugs are good.
If there is anyone out there who would be interested in hearing my wife singing a song, I would honored to share it with you. She had a great singing voice. We were recorded on cassette tape singing kareoke one evening, we didnt know it. I had it converted to a CD, just in time, and thanks to my daughter and son, they put in on the computer and it can be sent by e-mail. She sings a John Denver song entitled "Annie's Song". It was about 8 years ago in her mid fifties. Give me your e-mail addy and I will e-mail to you. There is a second song with it, somehow its attached. Ignore that one.
My e-mail addy is randymanny77@embarqmail.com if you want to request tthat song. That way you wont have to give it for everyone to see. Hugs to all.Hugs are good.
Cindy I know how you feel, I am new to this sight, so here goes. I lost my beautiful husband 7weeks ago, and I feel all alone, as well as live alone. It is awful. I cant even look at my husbands photos anymore. I feel I am talking about someone else, when referring about his loss. Family around me dont really understand, how I feel, or they dont want to. At the moment I cant concentrate, on doing anything, everyday is a struggle. I feel so bad when someone asks, how am I doing, I just want to scream, dont keep asking me that, as all I want to say is, I am a broken person. Just dont know how to answer people, As it is getting worse instead of getting better, is there any such feeling
Randolph, I would love to hear your wife singing a song. My e-mail address is: jpspop.pjr@verizon.net. You are so very lucky to have her voice recorded. I would give anything to hear my husband call me again. You are also fortunate that you have not had the anger. I still get angry with him when I go to the cemetery and I have to leave by myself. I so want him with me and, although I know that it is not possible, I want him to come back with me. When he wanted me he would call "Hey Hon" or "Hey Toots". I got a new puppy a month ago and she is named "Tootsie". It brings back such good memories whenever I have to call her and with a little, very active puppy, that is quite a lot. She can make me smile. I look forward to hearing the song. Thanks Randolph
connie,I noticed there are 2 connies'. I believe you are connie richards. Anyhow, congrats on new puppy named "tootsie". May it bring some comfort into your life. Hugs to you. Hugs are good.
I understand the anger and loss. My husband died June 25th, 2009 and I still feel so lost and alone. My "friends" have dropped away. In fact, one told me I should "be over this" by now. Of course, he's still married. I keep busy, I go to work, I run 4 - 5 mornings a week, I see my kids. But nothing takes the place of what I lost. It's hard learning to live alone after being married for 35 years but I'm trying. He would want me to smile and be happy again. I really have nobody to talk to here - live in a very small town with no other widows my age (56) Sites like this one do help
Hi Cindy~ I thought I was the only one with these feelings I thought I was being selfish in alot of ways ..it's good to know I am not alone or crazy ..I lost my precious Husband Marvin on June 23,2009 it was the very
worst day of my life I didn't expect him to leave me so soon ..it's still so surreal I just can't accept he is really gone no matter what ..I talk to him daily and I even tell myself he's gone but it's just not my reality ..I've lost my very bestfriend the love of my lifetime my everything my all in all !..my Marvin was me I never thought I could love someone so strong til I met Marvin"Mayonnaise"Johnson..it hurts to breathe..I really don't wanna be here much longer without him .. I just need to see him and feel his touch all the time ..If I could have just one wish it would be to have my Boo back to hold him love him comfort him and enjoy him..my life will never be the same nothing is worth much with the exception of my family/friends I just simply don't care ..I was supposed to go first I always wanted to go 1st but God is in control and he chose to keep me here to deal with this crazy existence
so I kinda have some anger about that also..Marvin made me laugh when I didn't want to laugh he was my protector @ all times ,he made me see things when I didn't want to see things ..Marvin really was one of a kind he broke the mold when he was made ..if you had the chance to meet him you never forgot him ..I miss him so much.. more and more as time go by it gets harder not easier like everyone says.. i'm not looking forward to growing old without him he always told me we would be in our rocking chairs rocking side by side on the porch old and gray ..i'm 48 and stuck here all alone ..I find myself looking to see him all the time ..if only God could just send him to me everytime I call on him I need real peace in knowing he's alright and he's still here for me&with me @ all times..I'm blessed to be able to hear Marvin's voice still ..I have his last message from March 30,2009 on my voicemail @ work and I've recorded it on my phone and several tapes and that gives me lots of comfort ..about people being there for you I know what you mean in the beginning there's the constant calls then a call periodically ..I didn't get visitors except 1 or 2
which was because of fear or difficulty in coming to see me since our home was where my Boo took his last breath..which I understand..it was a year 6/23/2010 and it's still hard for his family and friends to come by ..I could go on writing for days I have so much to share and vent ..I keep trying to stay focused on God and stay on the right track but sometimes it gets so hard because of my anger and I know we're not supposed to question God but I just wanna know why?..I send you all of my prayers and this too shall pass for us all ..It will get better ..someday ..when? nobody knows the answer to that and just take it one day @ a time .. we have keep telling ourselves to continue on this journey we're left here to face alone until we can find the joy and happiness in seeing our loved one again ..i'm waiting patiently for that great day.. that is now what i'm living for ..
Lost& Lonely Without My Mayonnaise
cindy: if you want i can give you my tele# home # 201=798-8305 cell # 551-697-3759i am work from 7:30 am to 3:15 pm am home about 4 4:30 i walk on the avenue when i get home we can do what ever you want to work it out just let me know weekends are also good for me

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