Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Melissa on January 26, 2009 at 9:03pm

Are you trying to say I look old? I'm 35....LOL. I have very mixed emotions about God. I always have. My opinion of it is that God needed Bill to torture my soul. I think he enjoys bringing pain to my life, heart, and soul just so he has something to laugh at. Sometimes I think I must be a terrible person to have such bad things happen to me. I do try my best. It takes everything I have to drag myself into work (since we worked at the same bar and now I'm replacing him as a bartender). It really sucks. You have no idea how much I pray every night to die because I can't do this. I should say I don't want to do this. If I knew that Bill would come for me if I killed myself I'd put a bullet in my head. But since I know he won't and I would be without him for all eternity, it's not worth my time...Thanks Karen

Permalink Reply by Devona Rodricq on January 24, 2009 at 12:18am

My dad and I have the same birthday, July 3rd, that day, too, was the day my big brother died. It's only been 6 month's and 20 days, since my brother left us. My day's are long and lonely, but I can only get through them because I have my four children and a husband. He was a great loss to our family, and I will always miss him dearly. Two day's after he died, I was sleeping not soundly but enough to know that I felt something. When he was alive and whenever I saw him, before he would leave he would give me a big bear hug and kiss my cheek or my neck and would always tell me he loved me. Well, that night, when I was in between sleep and awake, I felt a warmness, like a kiss on my neck that brought a chill, I sat up, because I was on my side. There was nobody else in our room, and it was'nt my husband because he was sound asleep. I cried to myself because I felt like that was our last contact ever that,that was his way of saying good-bye. At that exact moment, I was overwhelmed with saddness but with reassurence that he still was there. Other family member's do have dreams of him and tell us of them. That helps, too, to know that he is still around spriturally. I love you, brother, and I miss you so much!!!!

Permalink Reply by Melissa on January 24, 2009 at 3:39pm

Devona, that is awesome!! I know one day Bill will come to me like that. I know it will be much further down the road because he knows I can't handle it right now. But someday, someday he will....

Permalink Reply by Alisha on January 26, 2009 at 2:00pm

I just recently went through a traumatizing experience with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years committing suicide. He did this on January the 16th 2009 and past on Sunday the 18th 2009...but i do believe that there are signs of him around me...we lived together so i hear footsteps in the hallway and ill look to see but no one is there...i hung his bandana he always wore on this standing lamp in our living room and when i was watching tv yesterday I saw that the bandana was swaying back and forth but there was no wind and the ac vent doesnt hit our living room, i sat and stared at this for the longest time.....and i blew a kiss that way and after that is stopped...its like i can feel him with me all the time...i find myself talking to him though he is gone...i feel funny when i do it but i feel like he is always there listening to what i say to him....there was a point yesterday as well and i was laying in my recliner, i was almost asleep but i felt my arm and hand get really really cold but my other arm was perfectly warm....i cant explain that one at all but i feel he is always with me no matter what....

Permalink Reply by mhicks on January 26, 2009 at 3:28pm

My husband and I were married at Myrtle Beach bike week. We went there every year except the last year of his cancer. My husband passed away in Sept. When bike week came around the following May, his son, me and a friend went down. We went to a bar one evening and all ordered drinks when we were walking away the bartender asked if we would like this drink that someone ordered and walked off without ,she goes it's a screwdriver. His son and I just stopped in our tracks cause that was the only drink my husband would drink so I know he was with us. the next day we scattered his ashes as per his wishes.

Permalink Reply by Carie Parnham on January 27, 2009 at 8:47pm

Well, I wasn't quite sure if I am ready for this, but I feel today I am. My son, who turned 21 on Ausust 31st, died in a one car accident on Sept 21 08...there were 7 people crammed into the suv, and for some reason, my son with an IQ over 150 took the cargo area in back with another young man.
The driver was apparently driving 70 mph in town through a residential area, he blew through a stop sign, and went about 1/4 mile down a church parking lot, barely hitting his brakes and drove off a cliff, when he did so, he must have seen the large trees and turned his wheel to the right, causing them to flip when they hit some metal cable barrier cables.
This vehicle looked like it had not even been in an accident, except the back 4 feet where my son and the other young man were.The neither of them, died from the top of the truck pushing them into the bottom, but both died a senseless death of positional asphyxia, due to all the others just running and not helping them.
My life feels like it has caved in on me. He was my baby of 4 children, and just weeks earlier when I was in the hospital he worked at we spent a lot of time together, I needed forgiveness from him, and told him how bad I felt that he got the bad end of the deal all of the time, my divorce was when he was 12, so even when it was time for his first car, his step dad didn't get him one as he did the others.
I think we both felt, crazy as it sounds, that we didn't want to be responsible for handing him a car to kill himself in...he had ADD and when I finally gave him my car at graduation, he had had 4 small-med accident in it in 6 months.
I decided to have him sign the car back over to me, I had always had nightmares as did others in the family, that he would go this way.He reallly hated me awhile for taking the car back, but I couldn't live with that guilt if that call ever came...you know...the call all parents have nightmares about when they're children are working to become adults?
I got that call about 10 am on sunday, sept 21...I had been single and lived alone for 6 yrs prior to this accident, the day before I just happened to move in with a male room mate.
When my older son called, just hearing him crying, my body went numb...his wife got on the phone...I didnt hear much...John...accident...I said but he is ok!! he is ok right?
she just said noooo and I lost my mind screaming, I fell and thank God there were people around, I was 3 hours away from where the rest of the family lived, that was the longest ride of my life.
I am so thankful that just weeks before we made our peace, well he let me know it was no big deal and he understood now WHY I did it...my son had just become a man...and now he is gone.
I feel part of my heart was taken with him, because his body was considered a 'crime scene' I couldn't see him, so the coroner showed me pics from the scene...if I can give any mom advice, I would have to say, dont look..I feel his injuries, I will wake up feeling crushed with my throat closed in pure panic.And those images never leave my mind...I see his beautiful pics and immediatly my mind flashes to how he looked 15 yrs older after he died..those minutes it took him to die, my God, I wish I could have taken that for him.I would have taken his place without a second thought, but now I am left with a ton of unanswered questions, none makes any sense, none of his injuries were fatal (dislocated shoulder and 2 broken ribs)his left arm was reached over the back seat where he was holding his friends hand as he died, he first grabbed him, and apparently all he could do is hold his hand, he only will say John was "stoic" meaning he was the only one in the car not screaming, makes sense since I know his airway was compromised.
This is the only time in 20 yrs I wish I wasn't a nurse, but how hard is it if u can reach a hand, to move a head? God I am so filled with questions...I cried on the hill above where he died talking to him a week or so after, begging him to let me know somehow that he didn't suffer...I was rocking back and forth on the edge of the cliff...I jumped up suddenly realizing I had relaxed so deeply I almost fell asleep, I had a warmth I hadn't felt since my last hug from him..a second conversation with him I had at the cemetery,I was telling him I just wanted to be with him...it was a beautiful almost indian summer September...very few clouds in the sky..as soon as I said I wanted to join him the 1 cloud up there covered the sun and it got very cold...John was a comedian in life..always trying to make people feel better, so my immediate response to the chill was OK! OK! I know I have to stay here and I have family still to look after..the sun then shone again brightly and it warmed up again...my family doesn't believe once your dead you can communicate..so as I told my daughter this she asked..mom...do you need to go to a Hospital?? I said, noo...he let me know, he was ok.
I also heard him at the cliff as I was relaxing, right before I almost fell asleep I hear " Don't cry mommy, don't cry" over and over like a cheer, and every few times there was a second voice (I lost a baby during pregnancy) That really shocked me..but that is how I chose to interpret it.
It's been a little over 4 months now, and the loss is as raw as it was 4 months ago, so I thought I might come here and communicate with other moms.
Thank you for your time..
Carie

Permalink Reply by Anne Saunders on January 27, 2009 at 9:03pm

Hi Carie:

If it makes you feel any better, my cousin in Regina, Sask, lost her oldest son (he had just turned 19) in the fall from walking home from work late one night. A drunk hit and run driver hit him and there was no hope. You might want to read his obit on the Regina Leader website. His name was Christopher Kniffen. So, it seems like there are quite a few mothers who lose their children so young.

God bless Carie,

Anne

Permalink Reply by Melissa on January 28, 2009 at 11:03pm

Carie, I am sorry for your loss. I know exactly what you mean about knowing too much and wishing you didn't. Like the old saying 'Ignorance is bliss' is so true when it comes to sudden or tragic deaths. I don't know if you read any of my other blogs but my 34 year old boyfriend, Bill, had Protien C and Protein S deficiencies. He threw a PE and died in my arms, on my bed, at 0125 Christmas Eve morning. Unfortunately for the both of us, it wasn't that 'quick' drop and die PE. He was conscious, suffocating, and begging me for help as we waited for the ambulance. When the paramedics got there, it was a complete cluster. I was rescue breathing because he went into respiratory arrest as the ambulance parked in the parking lot. I stopped to give a quick history and no one took over the airway. I walked out to let them 'do their jobs' and call a friend to come. I walked back into my bedroom just in enough time to watch him aspirate on my bed. The medics didn't have a suction unit with them. Bill was a bigger guy (6'2" and 260 pounds) and the medics couldn't slide him off my bed so I moved him to the foot of my bed. I walked out again to call someone else. The last time I walked in the room I watched from the doorway as the medics were trying to intubate him. The medic couldn't visualize his cords so the other medic had his neck hyperextended instead of applying cricothyroid pressure. I told the medics if they couldn't get that tube in than they needed to 'cric' him because he needed an airway (he had been down for about 10 minutes at that point). It was the most horrific thing I had ever seen. I was a medic before and to KNOW what was supposed to be done and to watch it done wrong was frustrating. It was bad enough that Bill looked at me and said, 'I'm dying. Baby help me.' and turned that funky gray color and all I could do is tell him, 'Baby I can't help you.' Those were the last words he heard from me. But to watch those medics do a crappy job just eats at me. So, I do understand your frustration in knowing better....

Permalink Reply by Twila on February 20, 2009 at 2:05pm

Carie,
I know how you felt because my son was walking home from his friends house out in the country and was hit by a truck and the guy driving was 22 yrs old and it was a 25 mile hours zone and he said he was going the speed limit..but the damage done to the truck and to my son body will tell otherwise..He was crossing the street he died on 12/12/2008 this year and it is hard I wonder if he suffered and I had to call the Dr. that did the autopsy report and I also read the report and was advised not to look at any of the pictures so I did not look at them I wanted to so bad but I knew I would remember them the rest of my life. Reading the autopsy report was good enough he had died without suffering the Dr. reasured me. I picture him in mind laying on the road I also seen the truck that hit my son and I cried so hard the damage was bad...I drive to the place where he died on the street and sit there too and cry and ask why many times..I miss my son so much my body aches my heart is broke, The first night after my son died was the hardest night in my life I kept hearing a whisper MOM over and over. He was such a joker and like to tease so I knew he came to visit me that night. I have 3 daughters and they to are having a hard time dealing with him being gone..He was the glue to us and is missed dearly..My heart is so empty and lonely for him i miss him with each passing day and it does not get any easier. I did notice one night when I went to my car there was this star and everynight I see it. Its almost like it follows me and I think that is my son I go to visit his grave almost everyday but with all the snow it makes it hard..its been 10 weeks sinces he has been gone and it feels like yesterday for me..I miss him so. nothing is the same in my family I feel like I'm walking in a dream somtimes and I wake up and he is standing there hugging me..We had a close relationship Him and I. He had a big heart and loved to make people laugh and there are those days I feel like I cant make it without him and cry my head off until I have no more tears to cry then it starts all over again..I try to be strong but there is just so much I can do I feel like I want to be along side him too like nothing matters anymore I want to give up but he left me a granddaughter and she looks so much like her daddy she is him all over again. She keeps me going Im glad he did not leave me completely its still hard knowing she will miss out on knowing her dad. and the father he was to her the short time he got to spend with her, but I want you to know I understand how you feel.
thank you
Twila

Permalink Reply by Cathy on February 4, 2009 at 4:33pm

You know I don't know if there really is life beyond what we see with our eyes.
I would like to think there is, I would like to think my daughter I lost last May is able to see me and know how much I miss her.
Her dad and sister and myself got together for a lunch on her birthday in December to help remember her.
Just was were got up to leave...One of the songs we played at her funeral came on the overhead speaker. My younger daughter heard it and ran out the restuarant crying.
I felt or hoped she was speaking to us. The song is not really very common and I only heard it for the first time a couple days before her funeral.

Permalink Reply by Kathy Ledford on February 19, 2009 at 7:33pm

my mom passed away in August of o8. She had worn Jovan Musk oil for as long as I could remember. On my birthday in December I walked into my bedroom and was overwhelmed with the smell of her perfume. I have never worn it nor did I have it in my house. I couldn't smell it anywhere else in my house, only the bedroom. I just lay down on my bed and spent the day there with my mom because I know that was her way of letting me know she was there with me on my birthday. I just thought of all the things we did together and shared and I actually had a happy birthday because I knew she was able to be with me and that she is ok and in a better place.

Permalink Reply by Anne Saunders on February 19, 2009 at 9:06pm

Hi Kathy:

I do believe your mom was there. I have a girlfriend who also lost her mom and she said once in awhile when she's alone in her livingroom (I mean without her child and husband) she'll smell her mom's perfume and she'll say "Hi mom, how's it going?" Her mother doesn't respond but my friend says that so her mother knows she knows she is there she asks her that question. This is not on any special occasion like yours-it just happens occasionally out of the blue. I just lost my older sister to breast cancer and I'm hoping she'll reach me this way somehow so I know she's doing alright. Take care Karen and God Bless you and oh, thanks for sharing.

Anne

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