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Permalink Reply by Devona Rodricq on January 24, 2009 at 1:07am

I never watched "Cross country with John Edwards" until my brother passed. It's such a comfort to know that your loved ones are still very much with you. What he says is that you need to be open with the signs, whether it be a lightbulb blinking to a song you identify with them, it's their way of trying to communicate with you. I totally believe that, just be open and don't always look for it. You know what I mean? I, too, as much as anyone would love to know how my loved one is. I believe in a Higherpower, such as the Lord, and I know my loved ones who have passed on are doing so much more better than we are and they are the ones who are praying for us now. Knowing where my brother is that if I were to ask him,"Would you want to come back?" I know his response would be NO!! Just for the simple fact, that Heaven is where I would want to be, too. I LOVE YOU, LEVI, FROM YOUR BABY SIS!!!!!!!!!!!

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Permalink Reply by Melissa on January 24, 2009 at 3:29pm

Thank you Karen. Yes, you're right. People who have never experienced it think we're crazy. There's no doubt that I am (hahaha) but it is comforting that he did that for me....Thanks again.

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Permalink Reply by Karen Monsalve on January 24, 2009 at 3:36pm

Hi Anne, Im so sorry about the loss of ur sister. Shes in a better place, and she is happy. And she is watching over you,and keeping you safe,and im sure she has missed you too.Im sure she wanted to stay here on earth with her loved ones, But the lord needed her. You know, Anne, I lost my only son, who was only 24yrs old, may 15th 2005, to a motorcycle accident,and i know my son wouldnt have wanted things this way. He loved (mom) me, and would have never left me. Its been real hard, not haveing him here with me. He was my pride and joy. And when he left, so many strange things happend. I thought i was crazy, but im not, many people experince some of the same things i did,and the cell phone was one of many. another was a owel,that showed up, i have lived in my home for the past 15 years and have never seen a owel in my back yard?? So many strange things, and i know its my son letting me know, that when i talk to him, i cant see him, but he can hear me, the he is letting me know he is ok.. my sons girlfriend, has strange things happen with her, ladybugs ??? some times she sees 5 or 6 of them a day, and then have one on her shirt, or car, and she knows its my son letting her know that he loves her and misses her. Stay strong anne, thats what your sister wants. she will let you know in time that she is ok. Just watch for not normal things that happed??

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Permalink Reply by Melissa on January 24, 2009 at 3:39pm

Devona, that is awesome!! I know one day Bill will come to me like that. I know it will be much further down the road because he knows I can't handle it right now. But someday, someday he will....

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Permalink Reply by Anne Saunders on January 24, 2009 at 5:03pm

Hi Karen:

Thank you Karen. But do you ever get mad that your son has gone besides grieve? I'm mad since my sister's time wasn't now. She fought with every new chemo drug on the market known to man and they still failed her (she even flew to North Carolina to try something new). Even to the end, she could never accept the fact that she was dying because she had fought so hard for so long and that no chemo drug could save her now. She really wanted to live and even my mom said so. I guess in time I'll deal with that but that's why I wish I could hear from her that she has finally accepted it. Take care.

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Permalink Reply by Karen Monsalve on January 24, 2009 at 10:45pm

Hey melissa,
I cant tell you not to cry, cause i cry for the loss of my son, and my heart is just broken inside, just as yours is for your boy friend. Just stay strong girl friend, thats what he would want you to do. And just take it day by day. Im sure he is with every day, you just cant see him. I know that day traumatized you,and it will be with you for ever. I seen your reply to kelly, or one of them, about what happen that day, and how he was throwing up while they tryed to save him, no wounder its been hard to sleep in your room. I will keep you in my prayers,and send you some strength. I have my days when im just not good, and i just have to let it out. My life has changed forever, and will never be the same with out my son. every day is hard, and im sure its been that way for you too. You guys look so good together in your pic.. He looked very happy,and full of life, and so young. Im sure he will keep in touch with you, in his own little way, as my son does with me. Omg, It is so cold here, its like freakin 60 out. you think florida would stay warm all year, not... anyway, stay strong, but dont be afraid to let it out when you need to.. Keep in touch.. kare..

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Permalink Reply by Karen Monsalve on January 24, 2009 at 10:59pm

Hey Anne,
You know,i was really mad at my son,and god,for what happed. I thought, how could they both do this to me? What did i ever do in my life that was bad, that i had to suffer a paid back like this? It was just his time to leave me, as was the same for your sister. We dont have a choice when its are time to go, no matter how hard we fight to stay. God needed her, and now she is pain free, and in a better place, she is home, and you will see her again soon. Like i say to my son when i talk to him, i tell him to save a spot for me.. Keep strong anne.. take it day by day, thats what im doing... your sis will come to you, may it be in a dream,rainbow,grasshopper, its always something,or some kinda way.. Give it time girl friend.. she will send you something in her own little way.. talk to you soon, stay strong.... kare

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Permalink Reply by Anne Saunders on January 24, 2009 at 11:09pm

Karen, I would really want to meet you. I am crying right now again. You've been great. I live in Vancouver, BC Canada. Where do you live if I may ask?

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Permalink Reply by Melissa on January 25, 2009 at 5:09am

Thank you Karen. Bill had only been in Galveston for about a 6-7 months when I met him. I was told by everyone that knew him that he hadn't been as happy the entire time until I came along. He was young, he was only 34. That picture of us was taken 2 days before he died. I am traumatized. I know I will never be the same person I was before this happened. I try to take it day by day and it is SO hard. I have cried every day, except one day, for the past 4-1/2 weeks. I thank you for your prayers. I pray that some day I will find solice in knowing he died in my arms. But until then, his voice begging me to help him for those last minutes waiting for the ambulance torture my soul....

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Permalink Reply by Melissa on January 25, 2009 at 5:43am

Anne,

Anger is just a natural part of all this. Even though I am so deeply sad, depresssed, and traumatized I do have my moments where I feel a rage build up because Bill died. I get mad because he knew he was supposed to be on medication and didn't take it and lied to me about needing to take it (which I found out from his mom after he died). I get angry because he told me he wanted me in his life. I get angry because he was the only person in my adult life who treated me like I should have been treated. I am enraged because he died on my bed, in my arms on Christmas Eve morning. Even if I can move on with my life, the Holidays will ALWAYS be horrible for me now. I just don't get mad at him though. I get mad at myself because the last thing he said to me was, 'I'm dying. Baby help me.' I looked at him, and my last words to him while he was conscious was, 'Baby, I can't help you.' That haunts me and makes me angry. He always said he wasn't scared to die. Boy, he sure had me fooled that last 20 minutes and that makes me mad....

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Permalink Reply by Anne Saunders on January 25, 2009 at 5:59am

Hi Melissa:

If you don't mind me asking, how did Bill die? Also, I am so truly sorry. I think in time we'll realize that Bill and Donna are okay where they are now and let us know then we'll be okay too. Take care.

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Permalink Reply by Melissa on January 25, 2009 at 5:47pm

Anne, Bill had Protein C and Protein S deficiencies. It is a hereditary clotting disorder which causes the blood to thicken and clot faster than normal. Bill had twisted his ankle at work on December 13th. He threw a blood clot to his lungs at 1:00 AM on Christmas Eve. I know, medically and professionally, that he died from a Pulmonary embolus (bllod clot to the lungs) but I requested a copy of his autopsy report so I can see it in writing. Just my thing, I have to see it in writing so when I get to the stage when I get past my demons I will know.

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