Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by kathleen caylor on July 26, 2010 at 8:39am

Connie,I feel Ernie's prescence more here at our house.We built this house.I feel him around me here.His "Treasures"are here.He couldn't wait to get home to his "stuff"!He also died here.So I feel surrounded by him.At the cemetery,I just feel cold,it is a reminder of his death,not his life!I want those memories not the sad ones!This stress is detremental(sp)to your health.Take care of yourself.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on July 26, 2010 at 8:40am

Connie, you do what you want. It is you you have to worry about and whatever you do, you do.I have LouAnn's ashes here at the computer and I am saving money to spred her ashes in Colorado. I havent had the final step with her yet. I am going to hate when I do this.I will tell you this Connie. I had always told LouAnn "its me and you kid". We always had that thru thick and thin. All of the times people had let us down and failed us, we could always count on each other.I am upholding her values,her opinion and her principles. She was very smart and our "rock" and mine.You do what you want for it is your peace of mind and life that is yours.You are responsible for what you do and if no one understands or thinks it proper, so be it. Yes, we will have medical problems. DUH, thats a no brainer.We have to address them, of course, and if you are lucky. it will pass. We have dam good reasons. We answer to ourselves Connie. Hang in there. We are all here for you. Hugs for you. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on July 26, 2010 at 9:36am

Connie,
It is just my opinion that I think you should do what feels good to you. I am unable to visit the cemetery where my husband is buried but the one who takes me to the Hospice grief meeting whenever they meet, twice a month, stops there for me on the way to bringing me home. But while we are there, she talks and jokes with me, and maybe I get a few minutes alone with him if she has a call to answer but I feel if I went there by myself I wouln't be able to stop crying. This is also my opinion that I believe that is not really him because it is just his shell, to me it is his body and soul that came together that gave him his spirit and physical life. But my religion (Catholic) teaches me that it is important to visit your loved one who is laid to rest, it is ok to talk to him, and he can hear me, even though I feel disconnected to him (but that may be my own issue). All I'm trying to say is for me, just for me, it is not necessary to actually be there physically to remember him and talk to him even though it's hard for me to do that. I think to myself where his physical body is, is not the last place he was alive anyway. My suggestion is to just listen to your heart.
With Love,
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by kathy obiedzinski on July 26, 2010 at 10:17am

CONNIE: I AM NO EXPERT IN THIS SUBJECT BUT I WOULD SAY DO WHATEVER MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD. IT BEATS GOING HOME TO A EMPTY HOUSE. IF YOU FEEL CLOSE TO PHIL, WHEN YOU GO TO THE CEMETARY THEN DO IT BUT THIS A ONLY A BUT I WOULD HAVE TO TAKE OF MY HEALTH ISSUES ALSO BECAUSE IF I DID NOT I WOULD MISS GOING TO THE CEMETARY EVERYDAY TO SEE MY SPOUSE YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF ALSO WHEN YOUR HEALTH ISSUES ARE OK THEN GO BACK TO THE CEMETARY I FEEL PHIL IS ALSO TELLING YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST THEN COME TO SEE ME AT THE CEMETARY. AGAIN I AM NO EXPERT BUT I FEEL GEORGE WOULD BE SAYING THE SAME THING WHEN I GO TO THE CEMETARY I TELL HIM I WILL TRY TO GET A RIDE BUT HE ALWAYS SAID THE PERSON AT THE CEMETARY DOES NOT KNOW YOU ARE THERE BUT WE FELT BETTER GOING TO SEE THEM ANYWAY THAT IS ALL MATTERS AGAIN CONNIE DO WHAT YOU FEEL YOU ARE MORE COMFORTABLE IN DOING AND DO NOT LET ANYONE CHANGE YOU MIND

Permalink Reply by judy on July 26, 2010 at 1:59pm

I haven't gone to the cemetary very much because Tim always told me that if he died the cemetary would not be the place where he would choose to hang out. However, after my son,Frank, died I went to the cemetary a lot. I doubt that it is going to the cemetary that is causing the health issue. I think grief is causing the health issue and grief is the reason you are going to the cemetary. You are not leaving Phil at the cemetary because I imagine he is close to you where ever you are. I pretty much think people should do what they feel is right for them. Your grand daughter cares about you but has never lost her husband probably.

Permalink Reply by Helen on July 26, 2010 at 4:30pm

Dear Connie, I go to the cemetery as often as I can because it makes me feel close to my husband who passed away June 10 2009. I wish I could stay there. I feel the same way as you. Hope you feel better.

Permalink Reply by Kim Hawkins on July 26, 2010 at 7:08pm

Connie i do go often too. Barry passed away June 5th, 2008. My 16 and 6 year old go too. On his birthday and the date he passed we have done balloon releases there. i talk to him all the time but going there i feel closer to him when I talk because that is the last place I left him. You need to do what is right for you. I am sure she is just concered for you but you need to tell her why you go and how you feel about it.

Permalink Reply by b mohlere on July 26, 2010 at 7:43pm

I understand your issue. I have found that it doesn't matter where I am, I miss him. We placed his ashes at our home church but had some that we put near his family home last week. It doesn't help me to visit either place because I feel close to him when I'm surrounded by his things, in our home, and with our family. I talk to him at home, when I pass the place at church where his ashes were buried, but mostly at night I pray
"Tell him, O gracious Lord, if it may be, how much I miss him, and long to see him again; and, it there may be ways in which he may come, vouchsafe him to me as a guide and guard, and grant me a sense of his nearness as Thy laws permit."
That helps me to know that I am asking to feel his presense and sometimes, when I'm fortunate, I'll dream of him.

It just hurts!! And I miss him.

B

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on July 26, 2010 at 8:18pm

connie,
you have to do what feels right for you. i do know that grief can make you feel bad. i have been feeling very bad myself. but i dont eat well, or sleep well either.i am getting ready to bury my husbands ashes on wed. july 28th. i will go visit, but not on a daily basis. at least for me i dont think i will feel any closer to him at the cemetary. but that is just me. we all need to do what we our comfortable with. try and take care of yourself, but i know it is hard when you are griefing.my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Permalink Reply by Tom on July 26, 2010 at 9:17pm

Hello Connie,
I'm an American Indian, Washo Tribe and their way of dealing with death is to burn everything of the deceased and never speak their name again.
What a bunch of crapp that is. I don't do that or believe it is right. I talk about Loni all the time, and if anyone doesn't like it, that's their problem. Loni may be gone, but I'll never forget her !

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on July 26, 2010 at 11:28pm

Tom, good for you. I talk about LouAnn all of the time. She earned her right to be known always.

Permalink Reply by Connie on July 27, 2010 at 9:38pm

Randolph, Thanks so much for the advice. I know my husband used to say that to me "it's me and you kid." We always had each other no matter what happened we could be sure of each other and with that, we could get through anything big or small. I don't know if it helps me to go to the cemetary every day but I feel disloyal to him if I do not get there every day. There are some days that I just cannot get there, like tomorrow when Pres. Obama is going to be in Edison and there will be road closings, etc. NJ traffic is bad enough on a normal day but this will mess up traffic for hours and hours. I need to pass nearby the sub shop where he is going to be having lunch so forget that, I will never get through. I know my grandaughter is concerned about my health but I also know that I need to do what I need to do. Thanks again for letting me know what you think. I appreciate it very much.

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