Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
My boyfriend doesn't understand the grieving process
I need some support please! I lost my godfather in January who was as close to me as my biological parents. He died very painfully of a brain tumor and the vibrant, confident and supportive man he once was was shadowed by a tumor that made him angry and confused up until the very end. My boyfriend was in Seattle when my godfather died and refused to come back for the funeral. Ever since then I have felt isolated from him with this issue and grief is running my life and ending our relationship. He has never experienced close personal loss and is not allowing me to be angry without making me feel guilty. He always takes my anger extremely personally and won't let any of my breakdown situations go. He also isn't the type to give strong emotional support so I asked him to be there for me and he didn't understand what I needed.
The other night he was staying at a friend's house because he doesn't have a car and public transportation would take a long time for him to get home and I asked him to come back because my godfather has been appearing to family members (walking up stairs, they're seeing shadows in the hallways etc) and I was scared and didn't want to be alone. He refused. Now I feel like it was the funeral all over again, that he doesn't understand how absolutely necessary it is that he is there for me unconditionally through this. We have been together for two years and have lived together for almost the entire time but I we have been discussing a breakup because I don't feel like I can feel anything around him anymore. I love him and I don't want this to happen but I don't know how to deal with the fact that he doesn't understand what I'm going through.
I need support from people who understand what loss I'm feeling right now. My biological father came out as transgendered two years ago and I have no strong male presence in my life anymore. My godfather was my one and only go to guy when it came to my feelings of fear and pain up until he couldn't remember who he was anymore. It's a terrible thing to see the one man who knew everything become a man who knows nothing before he dies and it really shook me up. I feel like I don't have ground to stand on right now. I'm very angry, frustrated and upset and have been since his death. I go to therapy, I just need someone to tell me they know what it feels like and it's going to be okay :(. Any ideas on what to tell my boyfriend to help him understand how to deal with me would be great too!
The other night he was staying at a friend's house because he doesn't have a car and public transportation would take a long time for him to get home and I asked him to come back because my godfather has been appearing to family members (walking up stairs, they're seeing shadows in the hallways etc) and I was scared and didn't want to be alone. He refused. Now I feel like it was the funeral all over again, that he doesn't understand how absolutely necessary it is that he is there for me unconditionally through this. We have been together for two years and have lived together for almost the entire time but I we have been discussing a breakup because I don't feel like I can feel anything around him anymore. I love him and I don't want this to happen but I don't know how to deal with the fact that he doesn't understand what I'm going through.
I need support from people who understand what loss I'm feeling right now. My biological father came out as transgendered two years ago and I have no strong male presence in my life anymore. My godfather was my one and only go to guy when it came to my feelings of fear and pain up until he couldn't remember who he was anymore. It's a terrible thing to see the one man who knew everything become a man who knows nothing before he dies and it really shook me up. I feel like I don't have ground to stand on right now. I'm very angry, frustrated and upset and have been since his death. I go to therapy, I just need someone to tell me they know what it feels like and it's going to be okay :(. Any ideas on what to tell my boyfriend to help him understand how to deal with me would be great too!
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by MissingMyMom on
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Just my personal opinion but I think u need to get rid of the guy. You deserve someone who is going to be there for u thru anything and everything. He's obviously not very supportive and is prob part of the reason you are even more depressed.
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Permalink Reply by Angie on
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These are the crucial times when those around you show their TRUE character. You are seeing who your "boyfriend" really is; perhaps a little selfish and immature. But honestly, loss is a very singular journey and you quickly discover than no one is going to completely understand what you are feeling. Writing here and joining others who have experienced will give you comfort you won't find anywhere else. Best wishes to you in your upcoming life decisions.
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Permalink Reply by Lara on
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Thank you both for your responses. Yes it is hard to see his true colors, he is an amazing man but is a little selfish and definitely immature. The only problem is that he's working to change it, going to therapy and all, so I feel like breaking it off now would be a little premature. We've been together for two years and he is just coming to terms with the fact that he needs therapy etc. I agree Angie, loss is a singular journey but it sure is nice to have someone there to fall back on when you need it :). It really makes me feel wonderful that I can connect with people who are going through some of the same things I am.
Angie said:These are the crucial times when those around you show their TRUE character. You are seeing who your "boyfriend" really is; perhaps a little selfish and immature. But honestly, loss is a very singular journey and you quickly discover than no one is going to completely understand what you are feeling. Writing here and joining others who have experienced will give you comfort you won't find anywhere else. Best wishes to you in your upcoming life decisions. -
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You sound like a very grounded person with a good head on your shoulders. When I lost my mom in February, I felt like some of the best parts of me died with her. Grief puts a strain on our broken hearts, even our health and certainly our relationships. Strange, but I know now that it is the love of my mother that has given me the strength to live without her! Parents love us not only while they are with us, but they want to overfill our hearts with enough love to enpower us to carry on when they are gone. You will be okay... because you have been loved by an amazing person.
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Permalink Reply by Jennifer on
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oh my dear, I am so very sorry for your loss. My beloved mother and best friend passed away unexpectedly 2 weeks ago today and I understand your fear, anger, loss , sadness - all of it. it will be okay, believe that. I lost the other dearest person to me - my father - 2 years ago, and it was so very difficult but eventually i came to accept it and found a way to live without him. the love and caring of friends and family made that possible. it is good that you're reaching out here for comfort and support.
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Permalink Reply by Tonya on
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Hey Lara i'm going through the same situation with my boyfriend. Its so painful to lose anyone we love I just lost my mom & dad within 5 months of each other I dont think people understand how it feels to lose someone unless they have gone through it. Lara I ended my relationship with my boyfriend a wk ago I dont know if this is what you should do but I had to let go so I can try to heal cause he was not allowing me to do so. I pray that god blesses you and eases the pain in your heart I hope I helped you.
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