Always on my mind

Reminders of our loved ones can be everywhere - in a song on the radio, a familiar scent, a special spot or a favorite food. What are the things that remind you of your loved one? Do you avoid them or seek them out?

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Permalink Reply by River of Tears on March 4, 2011 at 4:39am

Dear Kattie Shay, I am so sorry for the loss of you Father . When I read what you shared I thought how often I too have avoided even places or things that reminded me of my Father for the feelings as you seemed to stop my heart unable at times to move . Yet when I least expect it I feel him, or see a (rare ) picture for he never liked his picture taken . My heart seems to slow but the love or for him seems to grow even though he is no longer here . Still I long for him to walk in the door for me to go up and hug yet this I do not see on the other side of my door as often as I look . The memories that do start to come back are now the hugs that maybe our loved ones have left for us , I am not sure , yet it feels this way each and every time I see something of theirs , or at times make myself just stand to listen to the song on the radio that was one he used to know only parts of though he sang it so well . Yet to me what else is there now but this but the memories of one that I was so blessed with in life as a loving generous of heart father as mine . As it seems you had too . Traits that many of who share here a Legacy.

The the words , the memories the love that are shared of our loved ones that become our hugs in time . May this be what we can hold close to our heart a gift that they give us ,as when in life they for me where the greatest gift of all .

As in Life it sounds as though you Father is and will still be proud of you , not for what you do , but for you are " his loving daughter" . One that just gave pause to one that always to wanted my Father to be proud of me .

Please take care . May comfort come to you and all that come to share .

Permalink Reply by River of Tears on March 5, 2011 at 5:15am

Does anyone else do this ? Once you are able to move from the numb and taking care of what you need to to stage do you now ( which to be honest I am not sure if anyone or I at least ever will , most around me see now the capable and smiling person in front of them ) yet if they only knew that this was more for them then for me .

I know find that all the " guilt that I carry within me surpasses even I weigh on the scale and these days that is saying allot for keeping weight on is one that is of many of the secret difficulties that happens to another thing just to take . I digress this is not about me .. It is about the loss of my dear and loving Sister and Friend who I feel I failed in not doing what I could have in speaking up or at least saying what I could so others could hear me . For I truly feel within my heart what eventually happened was not what she would have wanted if not for being so ill at the time . Though as many find even though as much as they believe all is in place and things are in writing things can still go a wry , for what reason I only can blame myself now . No matter if I and know my Sister would have wanted it differently so she could have lived , others chose to make decision for her that she just would slip away .

Now I find myself trying to speak up for all those around me even those most are strangers, fighting a cause so different then hers yet with the same passion I wish I did for her .

Voices around me want to tell me that it is just giving me something to do and when it comes from what I thought were I have to be honest it hurts even though I thought I never could hurt any more then I could have on that day she finally passed away .. Am I going forward with uncharted emotion for a cause I believe in maybe , is this for me more for them my heart tell me no but when I hear the words of others I have to admit I start to again doubt myself and even my worth . If only to have had purpose in my Sisters life to save her so she could have lived another day yet , yet my words were silenced as they seem they are today . I ask will I find purpose now , a purpose to be there for another . As I had hoped so much to be there for my Sister and Mother and Father yet they all left together was it something I did not do . I will never make up for what I did not do . To find a purpose in life to be there for someone (not for me) , one that will allow them what they want instead of what happens in life, when others decide and choose, when your words are silenced as hers were too ,how in life can this be many of us not just me .

May you words be heard and listened to in life. It is their life not our to decide . We can not own another if we truly care about or love for then they are more of a tangible and replaceable object that many feel that will come and go .

Where have the priorities and values of life gone . When and where did love become a thought rather then a feeling .

I wish to all of you the very best

Permalink Reply by River of Tears on March 12, 2011 at 3:05am

Dear John , Thank you , when you put into perspective. There was something in your words that held great meaning . My believed for at least myself is that life does continue , if not in all the children or family your loved ones have . Or where I believe my father , mother , and sister are . Heaven How could they not be . The light that came into the hospital room when my sister last looked at me and then closed her eyes for the last time , I always wondered if this was to tell me that she did not hesitate to get there . That she was in heaven . As I feel for all .

I guess it is in the very sad moments 24/7 that I think about each of them and wonder and wish to only let them know now that I love them . For the guilt I have so deep inside of me tears within . Wishing at least if I had a purpose in life as a daughter and sister them each that I would have done better . Even to the point of expressing of how much I love them by giving them all that they needed in life . Yet I as to late . Time ran out .

Though coming today to read you gave me enlightenment to say that life does continue at least for them , for me I have graduated to the functioning level at most . Not so bad .. What I found in all of this I need to stop listening to what others needed or were saying and just " Be" Be where I was , sad , even at times laughing which guilt came with that , yet I had to say this is ok . .. To start to be on this journey rather then to try to deny it, as it will not change the facts or bring any of them back as I so with it would .

Your Brother has a Wonder and Loving Brother that is one Earth that some how is sending a message from afar . Is it from him maybe ? Or is it just from your heart . What ever it may be .

It is so appreciated from one who misses her sister more the breathing . Someone that always brought light and love to my day . As my Parents always gave me love more then and daughter may have deserved . Yet I know have it as my blessing to hold in my heart forever .

Please take care

Blessing to and all

John Phils said:

My Brother is always on my mind and it makes me think.....Is This It?

Sooner or later, nearly everybody wonders what the purpose of life is. Is it to work hard to improve our living conditions, to provide for our families, to die after perhaps 70 or 80 years, and then to be nonexistent forever?

One young person who felt this way said that there is no other purpose in life than “to live, to have children, to be happy and then to die.” But is that true? And does death really end it all?

Permalink Reply by River of Tears on April 11, 2011 at 7:48am

When my loved ones become apart of me as they did when alive yet now they are every moment of the day every breath that I take and every heart beat my heart wants to take . Is it that now I am just aware of how much I loved them or is it that I wished I had loved them this much .
Will not change not that my father , mother and sister are not here though they can be a family once again as years past and miles separated them they somehow came together all at once for some reason one that I am trying to understand , one that still is painful . One that is of joy when thinking that they can be in each others arms . Life is confusing more then I knew now alone and trying to find out who I am with out them to look at or see even their gestures that look like mine or hear there kind words that I often heard , or that welcoming hug that each had for me when ever I was there .
It is amazing how you can loose yourself in all of this pain , not knowing where to go or what to do . Do I wait for an answer or will my direction be what I am already on this joureny that offered me a pain with out my family that I would have never chosen . Why did I not look at the map , I would have done more or steered off to grab them back from any pain . Yet the map kept on changing on each of us , not to let us know what it was that we were suppose to do . Yet the one thing I know was that Love was apart of it all something that I hold now deep inside of me , yes all alone but with them as my guides of who they were and wanted to be in life . If for only that I will find something for them to do . With hope I will not fail at that too as I did all of them in life. If to only tell them how much I truly love them and do miss them yet will carry on the road ahead .
A road yet to be known . A road that seems really dark . A road that is packed with memories of love that they left for me . Ones that I will cherish for ever until I am able to do something good as they did for me.

Permalink Reply by k EDEN on January 20, 2012 at 3:21pm

My tibute to my man who I miss so very much

Pete

I never ever told you how much I loved you but somehow I do think you knew by the way that I kissed you and by the way that I missed you whenever you weren't around,i do think you know that no one could ever love you and adore you more.

I miss your grin I miss your kiss I even miss your grumpiness.. in truth
just miss your everything..Your beep outside my door to tell me you were here, made my heart flutter just to think you were near, you were you are my everything and not a day goes by when I don't cry and just want to be with you once more

Your in my thoughts your in my dreams for all enternity- what I would give just for one more kiss, for you to be at my door just like before with a cheeky grin and that mischievous smile-I miss you more than I have ever missed anyone before.

You are one in a million without a doubt..Please rest in peace for ever more.

Love always and forever

Permalink Reply by Shannon on January 20, 2012 at 9:34pm

Beautiful! I know he would have loved that.

k EDEN said:

My tibute to my man who I miss so very much

Pete

I never ever told you how much I loved you but somehow I do think you knew by the way that I kissed you and by the way that I missed you whenever you weren't around,i do think you know that no one could ever love you and adore you more.

I miss your grin I miss your kiss I even miss your grumpiness.. in truth
just miss your everything..Your beep outside my door to tell me you were here, made my heart flutter just to think you were near, you were you are my everything and not a day goes by when I don't cry and just want to be with you once more

Your in my thoughts your in my dreams for all enternity- what I would give just for one more kiss, for you to be at my door just like before with a cheeky grin and that mischievous smile-I miss you more than I have ever missed anyone before.

You are one in a million without a doubt..Please rest in peace for ever more.

Love always and forever

Permalink Reply by k EDEN on January 23, 2012 at 12:25pm

Thank you Shannon x

Permalink Reply by Christine Bastone on April 6, 2012 at 6:42pm

I do deliberately seek them out...and feel like I don't have enough of them. However...if I run into one with no warning...then it feels like I've been hit upside the head!!!

Permalink Reply by Mary Godfrey on April 22, 2012 at 8:49am

Elaine,...Ifeel what you are saying. Ilost my boyfriend of6 1/2 years, who I lived with for the past 4 1/2, on Thanksgiving nite 2011, suddenly. He was only 44, and I always thought I would be the one to go first, as i am 53. Everything reminds me of him,..he is always in my thoughts and I have spent many hours talking about him to my kids and mutual friends, bringing him up in a conversation because something they say reminds me of him. But now, I just keep him inside, where it is safe,..cause I honestly believe most don't want to hear it anymore. I think, especially my kids, tho they know I loved him...they feel after almost 5 months, I should be snapping out of it....but honestly it just seems to be getting worse.
Elaine Wilkinson said:

Everything reminds me of my husband, Brian! He's always on my mind and I feel like I am trapped in this mindset like the movie Groundhog Day. Things people say, do, things I do, things in our house, his garage - just everything. I find myself talking to someone and his name comes up all the time. I want to try to move on but I just can't seem to. Even TV reminds me of him - his favourite shows. I want to talk about him but it seems that everyone avoids the mention of his name because they don't want to upset me. I bring his name up and they seem uncomfortable. When they bring him up I feel that he is not forgotten, but lots of times I feel like I am the only one that is still thinking of him. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Permalink Reply by Hallie on August 21, 2012 at 6:52pm

I still feel my grandmother's presence from time to time. She had linen hankies that she kept in her dresser at home and my daughter sleeps with them every night. We find ways I believe to connect with those that we've lost, ways that help heal our heart a little and ease the grief.

Permalink Reply by Hallie on September 4, 2012 at 9:59am

At some point in time I think we start to see the reminders of our loved ones in a less melancholy way. Grief can take months and sometimes years to run its course and I think we are forever changed after losing those that truly were part of us. Take heed in the good memories, on the moments that bring a smile to your face and I always try to keep an attitude of gratitude - yes my time was short but I did have some time and I do have wonderful memories. Sometimes, I have to let that be enough.

Permalink Reply by Christine Bastone on September 4, 2012 at 10:22am

I seek them out. Although coming across one unexpectedly will make me feel like I've been hit upside the head...I seek them out. They help me feel connected to my sister.