How to make it through the night

Grief support: When you're grieving, sleeping can be difficult. What do you do to make the nights easier?

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Angie Ivey-Owens on April 29, 2010 at 8:30pm

i UNDERSTAND YOUR ANGER AND INWARD PAIN U HAVE A RIGHT TO YOUR FEELINGS YOU ARE LEFT WITH THE HELL ON EARTH THE REALITY OF IT FOR YOUR AND YOUR KIDS PERHAPS A SEPERATION WAS TO TAKE PLACE IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORKED OUT OR WORKED THRU TIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND YOU COULD NOT HAVE PREVENTED THIS YOU MUST START A HEALTHY GRIEF PROCESS ASAP SO YOU DO NOT FALL INTO A DEPRESSION

Cathy said:

Hi everyone,
I have 4 beautiful kids aged 16-26. april 4 2010, easter sunday,the day Jesus rose, my husband, my kid's father decided to take his life, death by hanging, having drank 3/4 of a bottle of straight burbon along with who knows how many valium tablets. We had relationship problems, i was wanting a seperation, he could not see his life outside of being with me. there were other options. we have our first grandson due in october. At 2am he was upstairs telling our 16 yo daughter how happy he was and how he was looking 4ward to becoming a grandfather. sometime shortly after that he took his life. Ifeel so guilty feeling my want of a seperation caused this,also at the same time so much anger towards him for leaving us. i honestly have no sorrow for him, i can not look into how sad he must have been,i am just so angry with him. is this normal? My daughter and i now sleep in the lounge we don't go up the hallway at night.i am watching my once happy go lucky singing dancing girl become quieter and quieter. our doctor has given us both a low dose relaxant,won't prescribe for much longer tho. how do we manage to fall asleep after that at night, we leave 2 small .lights on along with the tv.i sit up for as long as i can, usually around 3 am,then i am just too tierd to think and just sleep. i don't know if i can be strong enuf to get my kids thru this. he is not hurting anymore. i'm sorry, this is how i feel.just had to write it down.

Permalink Reply by Angie Ivey-Owens on April 29, 2010 at 8:31pm

Bless your broken heart

Carol Saunders said:

Carol Saunders said:
Hello my name is Carol and I recently lost my husband Robert on 4/1/10. I understand what everyone is going through and I can relate to it all. My husband was at hospice for 9 days and I was with him when he passed away.

I can not sleep at night I have dreams of him in them. Sometimes I hear him talking to me. It is so hard when you lose someone close to you. There are times when I will be ok and then other times I cry my eyes out.

Permalink Reply by Jeffery McGowan on April 30, 2010 at 9:17pm

its been a year since my son has passed away one of the thing i have done for at least the first 6 months was to get up and start writing in my journal whatever is on my mind if i had a dream good thoughts and bad. You will start to sleep thu. the night but remember one thing you will go thru. periods where you just cant sleep and that is just a part of it...... sometimes i just sit in the dark and think about all the good things that me and my son use to do and sometimes i just do nothing but stay up and look at TV...

Permalink Reply by deborah diggs on May 1, 2010 at 10:23pm

Jeffrey,
I lost my husband on March 16 of this year. Its been 6 weeks, sleep comes and goes. I have had people tell me they know what im going through, and then they tell me about a bad break -up they experienced. I dont mean to belittle their experience, but to lose a spouse is earth- shattering . Every loss is different. SO, I say all of that to say I will hold you in prayer, because I cannot even fathom what you have been through. What a great picture! Thank your for sharing it with us all. You are amazing to be still standing and taking the time to help others.
Deborah

Permalink Reply by deborah diggs on May 1, 2010 at 10:28pm

I too write in a journal every night, It really really helps. You can't rush grief but journaling, prayer, support groups, and just allowing yourself to grieve will help us to move forward. I take each day as it comes . I realized tht I can make a choice to stay in the same spot, go backwards, or move ahead. I chose to move ahead. Grieving ,but rebuilding. It's hard, but we owe it to our loved ones and to ourselves . I know this resolve can change in a minute , but I know I will get back to rebuilding after the collapse....grief is unpredictable. GOD BLESS YOU!!!!

Permalink Reply by andrea on May 2, 2010 at 12:04am

I lost 2 sisters in 6 months and I am broken by best friend and the coolest one I am so lost!! I am wondering why did this happened !!!

Permalink Reply by halfaheart on May 2, 2010 at 3:00pm

Two yrs. ago May 1st,my sweet Mama went home to our Lord.

This is my Izzy~tupaz...he is a Shitzu/w/small amt of peek in him(his dads side) and he is my legal companion and has opened my heart.
Cathy,NO! it was in no way your fault! Your husband had made that decission all on his own._______________Everyone has an opinion about suicide.....mine is varied.I feel he was so lost within himself that he took to drinking and when that no longer worked he just simply decided to stop fighting and took his life.It is shameful that another person can make us feel so insecure and guilty for how they feel.
When I talk with someone that has lost a loved one,all my sadness,my guilt (that I am here and they aren't) my worry that someone else will passover...lays heavily on my heart .....just too much tourmoil for one soul to bear.God Bless you and JOURNAL JOURNAL JOURNAL! (sad smiles)

Permalink Reply by halfaheart on May 2, 2010 at 3:07pm

Jeffery McGowan said:

its been a year since my son has passed away one of the thing i have done for at least the first 6 months was to get up and start writing in my journal whatever is on my mind if i had a dream good thoughts and bad. You will start to sleep thu. the night but remember one thing you will go thru. periods where you just cant sleep and that is just a part of it...... sometimes i just sit in the dark and think about all the good things that me and my son use to do and sometimes i just do nothing but stay up and look at TV...

Jeffery,God Bless You.

Permalink Reply by Dorcas Cummings on May 30, 2010 at 12:37am

Hello my name is Dorcas and I'm having a hard time sleeping through the night. I recently lost my husband of 20 years July 4, 2009. It's almost a year now. I'm definitely still grieving. I get depressed a lot. I feel I have no one to talk to. I recently joined the church thinking it would make me feel better but sometimes I feel worse. I'm just wondering is this normal to feel this way. I've even become involved in the church , I think I joined the church to soon. I seem to have no zeal or joy or passion for the things of God. I know I love God. I just feel confused at times. I know the only things that are giving me the will to live is God and my 3 children. I feel if it wasn't for them I would not have the desire to live. Is this normal what I am feeling. I'm fortunate if I get enough hours of sleep. I'm wondering If I should seek counsel. I have talk to some people that I thought would have been support, but let me down. I was even told to start writing my thoughts down but, I have not done that yet. Please give me some advice on what I should do.

Permalink Reply by Sandralee Vahey on May 31, 2010 at 11:42pm

I don't sleep much, maybe three or four hours a night and sometimes not even that. I close my eyes and I can see him standing there looking at me saying "your beautiful and I love you". I walk around this apartment thinking he will be coming around the corner any minute. There are times that I forget he is no longer here and I call to him. I have a beautiful picture of him that I hold on to for comfort and to just feel like I am near him.

I try everything to keep busy even in the middle of the night. Tonight I will mop the kitchen floor and put the dishes away. Anything just to keep from thinking about him and crying again.

Toward the end of his life things were pretty rough. He kept pushing me away. If I went into the bedroom where he was he would get up and go into the living room and vice versa. It seemed that nothing I said was right and he snapped at me quite a bit. If I asked him if we was hungry he would say no. A half hour later he would call and order a pizza or sandwich. I lived in a state of confusion because this was just was not the person that I knew and loved so much and I knew that he loved me too. After several weeks of constantly wondering what it was that I had done to make him turn away from me I finally realized that he really wasn't turning away from me. He was trying to get me ready for a life without him. I guess he thought that I would grieve less but it doesn't work that way. I loved him so much and still do with all my heart. Love is something that just cannot be turned on and off at will or because he wanted me to. There were so many times toward the end when he made me feel like he was a million miles away from me. I didn't say much about it, I just let him go and stayed my distance. I don't know if that was the right thing to do or not. I tried so hard to let him know that nothing was ever going to change my feelings toward him. "No matter what". That was what we used to say to each other when things got tough. I knew what he was trying to do but I refused to except it and I'm so glad that I didn't. The day before he passed away he kept asking me to get into the hospital be with him and just wanted to cuddle and so I did. He wanted to kiss me over and over again even though he was having such a hard time breathing but that was alright I welcomed those kisses and told him how much I had missed them. Suddenly there wasn't any distance between us there was only that wonderful love that we had always felt all those years and everything was all right again. I told him not to worry anymore that everything was alright and that everything was under control. I told him he could go to sleep and not to worry anymore that I loved him "no matter what".

I would be lying if I said that I always understood and that I never got upset over this treatment of me. I wish more than anything that I "had" always understood and that I had "never" been upset. Those are the feelings that I feel so guilty about when I'm sitting up all night and every bit of his last few days is going through my mind. How I wish that I could go back and redo those days and nights. I wish that I could have reached him in some way to prevent him from trying so hard to push me away like he did and then I think to myself "it doesn't matter now" because those last few minutes we had together made all the difference in the world. If he is looking down on me I hope he feels the same way too and that he can still feel the love that I have for him.

Permalink Reply by Sandralee Vahey on May 31, 2010 at 11:47pm

Dorcas Cummings said:

Hello my name is Dorcas and I'm having a hard time sleeping through the night. I recently lost my husband of 20 years July 4, 2009. It's almost a year now. I'm definitely still grieving. I get depressed a lot. I feel I have no one to talk to. I recently joined the church thinking it would make me feel better but sometimes I feel worse. I'm just wondering is this normal to feel this way. I've even become involved in the church , I think I joined the church to soon. I seem to have no zeal or joy or passion for the things of God. I know I love God. I just feel confused at times. I know the only things that are giving me the will to live is God and my 3 children. I feel if it wasn't for them I would not have the desire to live. Is this normal what I am feeling. I'm fortunate if I get enough hours of sleep. I'm wondering If I should seek counsel. I have talk to some people that I thought would have been support, but let me down. I was even told to start writing my thoughts down but, I have not done that yet. Please give me some advice on what I should do.

Permalink Reply by Sandralee Vahey on May 31, 2010 at 11:47pm

Hello Dorcus,
I just wanted you to know that your are not alone. Most nights I am up all night long. I just cannot sleep. I miss my own husband terribly. How I wish that he were here but he is not and it hurts so much. I, too, am on medication for depression, and anxiety. I never thought that he would go before me. You see, I am five years older than he is and I have a lot of health issues. One major back operation, one broken hip. two broken wrists and on and on. I have sever sleep apnea, restless legs syndrome and much more so why not me. Why did this have to happen the way it did. I didn't and don't want to be here without him.

So, if you ever want to talk I will try to be here. I need you all to talk to too. I don't think that I can make it without everyone's help. Everything seems so hopeless right now. One minute I am fine and the next I am torn over feelings of loneliness, guilt, longing and just about every other emotion that a person can feel.

Sandralee Vahey said:

Dorcas Cummings said:
Hello my name is Dorcas and I'm having a hard time sleeping through the night. I recently lost my husband of 20 years July 4, 2009. It's almost a year now. I'm definitely still grieving. I get depressed a lot. I feel I have no one to talk to. I recently joined the church thinking it would make me feel better but sometimes I feel worse. I'm just wondering is this normal to feel this way. I've even become involved in the church , I think I joined the church to soon. I seem to have no zeal or joy or passion for the things of God. I know I love God. I just feel confused at times. I know the only things that are giving me the will to live is God and my 3 children. I feel if it wasn't for them I would not have the desire to live. Is this normal what I am feeling. I'm fortunate if I get enough hours of sleep. I'm wondering If I should seek counsel. I have talk to some people that I thought would have been support, but let me down. I was even told to start writing my thoughts down but, I have not done that yet. Please give me some advice on what I should do.