How to make it through the night

Grief support: When you're grieving, sleeping can be difficult. What do you do to make the nights easier?

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Melissa on July 21, 2009 at 5:59am

DM,

I totally understand. For weeks after Bill's death I slept with a pair of his shorts and a tshirt. The shirt smelled like him and I would cover my face/head with it. Even now, 7 months later, when I have BAD nights I pull it out and hold it. I have never washed it since it was one of the last outfits he wore. I know what you mean about not wanting to go on. If I knew he would come for me if I killed myself I would have put a bullet in my head the same day. However, since I know he won't, it's not worth my time and I just chug along. It is SOOOO hard sometimes. I can't tell you how I did it but I made it this far.

DM said:

My darling husband died in our bed three and a half weeks ago. I sleep with a sweater that he wore that week. I don't want to go on. My life is over

Permalink Reply by Jessica Stevens on September 14, 2009 at 4:41am

My fiance, Jeffrey(age 25), committed suicide on August 10, 2009. It's only been a little over a month, and it's the hardest thing I've ever been through. He shot himself in the head, and I was right next to him when he did it. I was driving his truck and he was in the passenger seat. He pulled the gun out and shot himself in the head. The only things I'm thankful for is 1) that he didn't do it in the house, and 2) that he turned his head to look at me when he did it, so the bullet went into the backseat instead of into me. At the time, I could've cared less about where the bullet went because I wanted to die, too, and I still do sometimes. But my doctor has me on meds and I'm going to a support group. Plus, I start going to a therapist in a couple weeks. Jeff left behind 4 beautiful kids, all under 5. I know now that hurting myself would be very selfish because I also have a baby. I don't know what I would do if I was ever without my beautiful 3 year old, Abygail. I miss Jeff so much, and I still sleep with a couple of his t-shirts. They haven't been washed, so they still smell like him. And I sleep on his pillow, which also smells like him. His picture is the wallpaper on my cell phone, and I look at it and talk to him every night before I go to sleep. That way I can think about our good times together instead of replaying that horrific scene over and over again in my head. Tuesday will be his birthday, he would have been 26. I'm going to see him at his gravesite and bring him some flowers and release 26 balloons for him. I miss him and love him so much! --Jessica(24)

Permalink Reply by halfaheart on October 23, 2009 at 11:52am

I can't sleep....I sit here all night and play games and surf.Anything to
keep from dreaming.My Daddy passed in 2000 and Mama went to rest in His arms May 1st 2008.I sat with mama as she passed and I felt her last breath pass through me as she died.(I dislike that word!)Then in the first weeks of June,an Aunt and a cousin (one here and other in Alaska) passed away.The following July
another Aunt also went home to Jesus.I can't stop crying and I feel lost and sad all the time.I don't sleep because of sad dreams....and I think an inner fear that
I won't wake up.I stay home so as not to have to deal with things and I know I
worry my siblings but I just can't function.
I am here for anyone that needs to talk and or just needs to cry.I understand tears.God Bless

Permalink Reply by Nichole Shand on October 23, 2009 at 1:28pm

On Aug.28,2009, my husband received a phone call at 9:30pm from his niece saying her mother(my husband's little sis) was dead. She died on her 22 year old twin daughter's birthday at the age of 40. She also left behind a 16 year old son. We had alot in common. We were both diagnosed with hypothyroid, then fibromyalgia. She was in alot of pain all the time. She died from a cocktail of pain meds. We buried her at 1:30pm on Sept.4,2009. At 4:45 that same day, I received a phone call from my cousin saying that my gramps(my world), had just had a major heart attack, and to go straight to RGH since he was being rushed there from Lakeside. They brought him back, but he ended up having too much brain damage. I watched him seize, and vomit, and struggle for a week. I pulled everything I could think of from my arsenal to just make him open his eyes. He never did. I had a nervous breakdown. I can vaguely remember my husband bathing me and feeding me cereal, but the rest, more than a year later, is still a blur. On Sept.11,2009, we took him off life support. I was the only one with him when he peacefully passed at 4:05am Sept.12, 2009. I thought GOD hated me. My grandmother and grandfather had been together 59 years and her niche was taking care of him. She wanted to keep her apartment but she said the nights were too "creepy". Since I was awake starring into nothing all the time, she at least had the comfort of knowing that she could call and I would be awake too. She ended up moving in with my mom and now lives in Florida with my aunt. I ended up going on Ambien which helped a little. I sleep better now, but still often wake up around 4am, which was the time of my grandfather's passing. I'm not sure why I wake up, or how long it will go on for. But the one thing that's helped gram and I is the fact that we know now that he's in a better place and that we will all be together someday. We can't live forever. I am so sorry for all of your losses and hope things get better. I would suggest asking a friend or family member if they would mind a late night phone call when you're having a rough time. It's such a small thing, but helped me tremendously.
p.s. you guys made me cry

Permalink Reply by Charlene Woodring on October 26, 2009 at 5:17pm

My son died unexpectedly on 7/22/09 and sleep was not a problem until just the last 2-3 weeks - since the autopsy report was finally completed. I always thought that if I had a cause of death, I would find some closure, but it is not working that way. The report said that that he had a coronary artery blocked 60-70%. They did not find a clot and ruled out a heart attack, and I just don't understand how this moderate heart disease caused my precious son to die. The rest of his body was in very good condition. I know that both my mother and husband have had heart attacks, but only after their arterys were blocked 90% or more. I stay up and watch TV hoping that one of the forensic shows on Discovery Health will give me the answer that I so long for. The uncertainty of not knowing why my beloved son was taken from me is worse now. I've been told that I may never have a definitive answer and I don't know how I can live or move forward without having an answer. In some ways, I am envious of those who KNOW why their loved one died whether it was suicide, homocide, motor vehicle accident or terminal illness, but at least you folks have a reason for the death. I am not coping well with the questions and simply cannot sleep more than 3-5 hours per night and that is usually sitting in a chair.

Permalink Reply by Nene on October 29, 2009 at 12:38pm

My dad died October 8, 2009 He had been driving trucks all his life retired and had heart problems, diabetic but had it under control. His bows bursted and the doctor said it was nothing they could do he had only a day or two to live. Well it was the second day when he passed. Before he died he was complaining that his shoulder was hurting the doctor said he had a heart attack and didn't know it. He had a pace maker and I think that is what killed him. I wonder if it was anything we could have done.

Permalink Reply by halfaheart on October 29, 2009 at 11:36pm

When you are born God has already preplanned your entire life.
If you try to alter it....try to make it change to your way....that is where
you stumble.(This is my personal belief)
Your sweet Papa's life was already decided.And to save him from living a life of pain and tourture (from heart illness) he was released from his deseased body.
Now he is whole and is watching over you.Bless you.

Nene said:

My dad died October 8, 2009 He had been driving trucks all his life retired and had heart problems, diabetic but had it under control. His bows bursted and the doctor said it was nothing they could do he had only a day or two to live. Well it was the second day when he passed. Before he died he was complaining that his shoulder was hurting the doctor said he had a heart attack and didn't know it. He had a pace maker and I think that is what killed him. I wonder if it was anything we could have done.

Permalink Reply by Nene on October 30, 2009 at 7:39am

I know it is hard not knowing why. I had the same questions in my mind why? Halfaheart made me feel better by reading what was writtern. Your son was the chosen one and we really should not question Gods work, but you now have a angel your son watching over you.

God Bless and I pray you can sleep tonight

Nene

Charlene Woodring said:

My son died unexpectedly on 7/22/09 and sleep was not a problem until just the last 2-3 weeks - since the autopsy report was finally completed. I always thought that if I had a cause of death, I would find some closure, but it is not working that way. The report said that that he had a coronary artery blocked 60-70%. They did not find a clot and ruled out a heart attack, and I just don't understand how this moderate heart disease caused my precious son to die. The rest of his body was in very good condition. I know that both my mother and husband have had heart attacks, but only after their arterys were blocked 90% or more. I stay up and watch TV hoping that one of the forensic shows on Discovery Health will give me the answer that I so long for. The uncertainty of not knowing why my beloved son was taken from me is worse now. I've been told that I may never have a definitive answer and I don't know how I can live or move forward without having an answer. In some ways, I am envious of those who KNOW why their loved one died whether it was suicide, homocide, motor vehicle accident or terminal illness, but at least you folks have a reason for the death. I am not coping well with the questions and simply cannot sleep more than 3-5 hours per night and that is usually sitting in a chair.

Permalink Reply by Toy Williams on January 4, 2010 at 6:56pm

Hello Nene people often wonder if there was something they could have done to prolong the life of a loved one. The truth is death is what it is our horrible enemy (1 Cor 15:26). And when it comes there's nothing you can do. Unforseen occurences befalls us all (Eccl 9:11). Find comfort in knowing the Bible holds out a promise of seeing our loved ones again. It doesn't help spending time worrying about what we could have done or what we didn't do. Instead spend time drawing closer to God so that we can see our loved ones again by means of the promised ressurection hope recorded at John 5:28,29. I hope this can help you make it through the nights.

Permalink Reply by Lori Sherry on February 3, 2010 at 5:10pm

I have been having a really hard time recently and I have been scared and thinking about my co-worker who passed away a few years ago. I was scared to go to sleep and I still get scared. I didn't go to his funeral but, I wish I would've. I feel alone and scared. I just haven't been able to sleep then and now. I do see his face but, it doesn't scare me but, it makes me cry sometimes.

Permalink Reply by julie thomas on February 4, 2010 at 11:17pm

in the very beginning, after my husbands death, i went into counseling and medication assistance to help me sleep. i try not to do that now, i usually read before going to bed, drink some herbal tea that is relaxing. writing letters or emails to anyone, works really well for me. have heard meditation works really well, havent done it yet, but i plan to.

Permalink Reply by Georgia Fuentes on February 5, 2010 at 12:54am

halfaheart said:

I can't sleep....I sit here all night and play games and surf.Anything to
keep from dreaming.My Daddy passed in 2000 and Mama went to rest in His arms May 1st 2008.I sat with mama as she passed and I felt her last breath pass through me as she died.(I dislike that word!)Then in the first weeks of June,an Aunt and a cousin (one here and other in Alaska) passed away.The following July
another Aunt also went home to Jesus.I can't stop crying and I feel lost and sad all the time.I don't sleep because of sad dreams....and I think an inner fear that
I won't wake up.I stay home so as not to have to deal with things and I know I
worry my siblings but I just can't function.
I am here for anyone that needs to talk and or just needs to cry.I understand tears.God Bless