How to make it through the night

Grief support: When you're grieving, sleeping can be difficult. What do you do to make the nights easier?

Recommend

2 members like this

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by karlene sharples on March 1, 2011 at 12:34pm

Dear River of tears

Thank you for responding to my reply. Yes it's hard you see. I didn't tell you that his son (from another marrige) 46 died a week before him. The day we buried his son I got the that night before leaving the luncheon for his son that Russell had died.

I don't know what made me go see Russell that morning before I had to go bury his son(JR) it was not on instinct but I knew I would not see him that day cause I was going to be with his other family. I sometime feel that he is here with us and he is going to come home or walk in the door with that smile smurk on his face. I used to question God but now I don't. He also took from my family 2 nephews and a niece that were only in their early 20's all in a 2 year spane.

Thank you for listening

Karlene from Philly

Permalink Reply by River of Tears on March 2, 2011 at 3:18am

Dear karlene sharples ,

I just read what you shared and tears could not express what I am feeling, for you and your family. So much pain so much loss . . I hope and pray comfort comes to you and all that come here to Legacy . Do you or anyone wonder is it because the God or who ever you believe was you creator or how we became needed you back or that they did what they were born to do ? I try to find solace in this though yet the pain stops me from completely finding comfort , maybe I wished for them at least they would have had more time here on earth to live and find joy. So many questions, so many whys and how comes , each day I have too ,. To be honest questions I ask myself , why did I not take the time when I could with them when I had the chance as it seems that time and they slipped through my fingers before I knew it . Maybe if I hugged them a bit tighter they would still be here . Not just a frame of the three of them right by my computer as I write and share , all with the beautiful smiles and eyes of loving souls . A single picture of each of them , together as I hope now in heaven as a family , a family I was so blessed to have , a time to love each , time that will be forever memories .

The pain seems to go on , one for us all . Each that I think about care about and pray for comfort for each of you .

Please take care , as comfort is a hope for all of you in any way that you may need .

karlene sharples said:

Dear River of tears

Thank you for responding to my reply. Yes it's hard you see. I didn't tell you that his son (from another marrige) 46 died a week before him. The day we buried his son I got the that night before leaving the luncheon for his son that Russell had died.

I don't know what made me go see Russell that morning before I had to go bury his son(JR) it was not on instinct but I knew I would not see him that day cause I was going to be with his other family. I sometime feel that he is here with us and he is going to come home or walk in the door with that smile smurk on his face. I used to question God but now I don't. He also took from my family 2 nephews and a niece that were only in their early 20's all in a 2 year spane.

Thank you for listening

Karlene from Philly

Permalink Reply by River of Tears on March 4, 2011 at 5:33am

I must not making it through the night for I have been up all night . With thoughts of discussions that went on during the day . Conversations that opened a door to a passage (a closet of feelings been holding deep within me ever since my Sister passed , Mother and Father all did just recently . Feeling that could truly if let out would fill a stadium yet I have been able to keep the locked up .

My Sister was the only one in life that was my confidant one that we both found that we could share all , not matter what it was not matter how silly how serious we still felt free and safe be able to share all we had inside of us . Now that she is not here I do not trust anyone . Not that I truly before . Though now friends want to talk even about simple things that touch on things that involve of all things " Feelings "

Silly even in just saying just a few things that went around what we were talking about , I came back home to find that I felt more empty then ever before . The conversations made me realize even more that my Sister was not here .

How is it that you can still be feeling so empty as though to have had surgery and everything taken out of you entirely. Leaving the only thing this big ball of pain . The one that stops us from breathing every now and then , one that we can not catch our breath when we see or recall a memory . This pain that I function in , when in the real world yet when home I just melt to the floor in tears.

Sleep, well a long past friend , one that does come now and then only hoping that I will see my Sister or Mother and Father. Though sleep is one you have to wake up from . Realize what is . and not .

Pity and poor me , I hope not at least I do not want this to be how I am seeing for I am trying so hard to just be , yet at times this pain is taking over me . As a professional I know that sleep would help , though status nor who and what we are are defined when it comes to grief .

Now that it almost time to get up and out I will try to work so to tire myself out yet if to have someone touch on my feeling they better look out that the doors of my closets of feelings and the dam that has been holding them in may be broken ,and all may just flow out .

To all of you please take care .

Permalink Reply by River of Tears on March 6, 2011 at 1:52am

Legacy Friends and Family , How is it one know where to go . Which is a vast and complex question when it involves Grief . How is it , or where is it , that one knows where to go after their loved ones pass , the ones that for me keep me grounded and gave me purpose . Now that they have passed I don't even know where I am suppose to live . Which is a funny question I guess . Yet for me I do not feel that this is a home anymore . It is just a place I store my things in that I share space with . Memories all around me , of items I have from my Father , Mother and Sister yet this ,does not make stop me from feeling like I want to just run away . To a place I have no idea I would go to now . For I have no direction or map to this new journey that came along with the grief and the loss of my Family .

It is amazing isn't it how many even the day of the passing they will say " now where will you live ?" or "what will you do ?" I guess at that point I was unable to answer for I was to numb , and could not think pasted that fact that my loved ones would not be there for me to say " I love you " or to hug them when ever I wanted to .. Guess that comes along when Landlords want to make sure they will have the rent and that you will make sure to take care of your Sisters apartment too . Yet now I wonder why was money more important then . Even telling me that she did not give a notice before she died . This to me still is troubling me for why was money more important then her . That they wanted the next month rent even though she had just died .

Now I sit in front of my proverbial map IE : computer and look for a place to run , a place to get a away . A place that would have understanding of how it is to love and care yet this is only a island out there somewhere . If someone is to know of this place please let me know . For I will buy the first ticket and away I will go .

What is is wonderful about any of this no matter where I go is that all the love I have in my heart will go with me as well as the memories of the time I was blessed to share with my Family that gave me more then those who do not know how to care .

I guess I feeling a bit sad and maybe sorry for myself which so many say when I try to share .

But thank you for listening you all seem to be there .

Please take care and blessings to all you ..

Permalink Reply by River of Tears on March 23, 2011 at 5:43am

Through the loss of my father , mother and sister , I have not really connected to anyone not really having anything inside to offer them or feeling I could be there is they needed me . Yet funny me I fooled myself thinking maybe I could take a chance and reconnect at least with a few friends . Well , not sure if this is helping the " making it through the night " . For now what has happen may for I am not sure but it sure does not feel right or good at this time , pain or a different sort which of course is connected to the pain of grief I have inside . All feelings seem to do that for me as though now they become one, I feel one and all want to just flow out which is not the best especially for one that does not like for others to know what she is feeling at all . Other maybe making it ok for everyone in the room so that there ok , yet when it comes to me .. No a good thing or something I never was maybe learned to do ... Or maybe it was that I just did not get that manual at birth that tells you how to feel through life , even now which would have been so helpful for I have no idea . If to see it inside and paint a picture you may see either an empty vast hole or a shattering of pieces which would be my heart and my soul shade of course in the dark black that one has never seen before . Not the darkness like many now want to convince me I am or where I will go of evilness , that darkness of such sadness and pain . I am not sure reconnecting with some of the friends was the best thing to do at this time especially since some of our fundamental beliefs are far and wide .

As I said is this for good so I would start to feel , thought I feel like I will just emplode . With such feeling that noone has ever seen from me . I do not want this to happen in front of anyone for it is not fair to them . Or is it that now that I have reconnected I see that they still have as little understanding as they did before . I know many will say words can not hurt you, well I let me introduce you to the the one and only on this earth that they do . For being constantly told you are so senstive for any expression of feeling or for others to want to preach the word to save my soul right now I am far beyond what these friends of mine may know that the passing of my sister mother and father is one that I will feel about , have such guilt about , and am hurting inside beyong what I could ever say . Maybe it is the shattered heart inside that is causing this pain yet is this what others need to see . A tangible and obvious sign of hurt and saddness for the to believe that one could really have love someone that much .

If anyone knows of an Island that is for sale or one that is just out there please let me know for I think at this point this is where I best go . All I trully wanted in this life was the happiness and health of my family , yet maybe this was asking way to much . If my sin is asking for this or not doing enough I take that one freely . If feeling is something wrong then , I do need to find a place to go , for It get to a time that I will not be able to even hold it for all the others even though funny thing once I tell them they seem to go .

Loss funny word , in all of this for often when you loose something you can find it . Not this time .

My Father ,Mother , Sister will never come back . One good blessing is that they are together .

As I was blessed in life , to have three beautiful wonderful loving people who I had I chance to feel more then this pain , it was that wonderful word that is not often spoken or shared in life it is that word that I wish I could say a thousand times more . LOVE

For me in life , love has been a definition that can be defined by how ones heart feels and how one is with another . This is not only in families . You do not have to say the word to show that you care about another .. So many in life have forgotten to take pause , to even think or what the do or say that this love or caring about another is just a thought that is long and far away .

Caring or love for Family and friend and neighbors or all , where did this go ? I guess this is why I need my Island so please let me know if you have heard where I can pack up and go .

One of those nights...

Permalink Reply by Gary Payton on March 23, 2011 at 7:45am

Be patient with yourself: Grief often lasts longer than people in general realize. Yearly reminders of the lost loved one may renew the pangs. Special pictures, songs, or even smells can trigger the tears. One scientific study of bereavement explained the grief process as follows: “The bereaved may swing dramatically and swiftly from one feeling state to another, and avoidance of reminders of the deceased may alternate with deliberate cultivation of memories for some period of time.”

Permalink Reply by River of Tears on March 24, 2011 at 3:50am

Dear Gary Payton,

Thank you so much , as it seems what you you have shared it exactly what is happening .

With greater and deeper feeling then I may have been prepare for since I have been in this state of wanting to look ok for all . No matter what nothing will change the fact ,that my Sister nor Mother or Father who all passed close together and the longing and wishing that if only only I did one thing more they may still be here. That may never go away . Sometimes taking me to depths that even scare me , which is difficult to do for it seems life and experiences have taught me allot . Yet when it comes to grief and this pain there was nothing in life that could ever prepare me for this .

Interesting enough I can be there for someone else yet when it comes to me , well it seems I lack what will ever comfort what what my heart may need .. Maybe because it is that there is as I mentioned in life no matter what we all may go through or challenged with this is the anomaly that still for all is apart of life that we all will go through yet sadly it is something we never can be prepared for .

How can we ... ?

What I do know in life we can prepare how to love those we have in life , how to give time and be present . To make choices that give of our heart rather then our wants and needs . Seems so simple though in this day and age it seems that the element is lost some how . Why ? I ask myself this time and time again . Why did I not say something one more time .. or get on the plane to be there . or just let them know truly how much I loved them ... Not just to say the words " I LOVE YOU " but to really mean it so that they know . Life and time goes so quickly something as children we never think of or trust in so very much yet as we age and see that all the time that past by that if only we took one more day , one more call or one I love you .. Would this not have made our Love ones life a better life for them ..

As you see I am still thinking and feeling so much , wishing I could close the door to the flood of all the feeling that now want to come out . Yet I do not seem to have what it takes to hold that all back ..

I did dream about my Father though last night which was wonderful , though in a moment that I saw him he then had to walk away . Which brings such sorrow and sadness .. A reality of life .

How they all can just slip through our fingers as sand if we do not hold on to the time we have with them and truly love and care about them when we have the chance .

I so appreciate you kind and caring words which brought me great comfort this early morning .

Need to run out to get another truck full of Kleenex it seems as the tears seem to flow as quickly as the feeling do these days. Hence the name "River of Tears" though now they can be seen on the outside which I never wanted anyone to see .

To all please take care and blessing to you as we all were blessed with such wonderful and loving people in our lives .

Gary Payton said:

Be patient with yourself: Grief often lasts longer than people in general realize. Yearly reminders of the lost loved one may renew the pangs. Special pictures, songs, or even smells can trigger the tears. One scientific study of bereavement explained the grief process as follows: “The bereaved may swing dramatically and swiftly from one feeling state to another, and avoidance of reminders of the deceased may alternate with deliberate cultivation of memories for some period of time.”

Permalink Reply by Tess on May 16, 2011 at 12:26pm

I wish I could figure the answer out to this question. My husband died about 2 months ago. He had nonhodgkins lymphoma. Went through radiation, chemotherapy, and a bone marrow transplant. With the transplant he developed Graft v. Host. With all of his time in the hospital and the his time at home with hospice, I promised myself that I wouldn't sleep without him in our bed. I slept I a chair beside his hospital bed,or in the hospital bed whenthe docs weren't looking!! When my husband came home on hospice, he was weak almost comotose at some points. Now that he is gone, I still can't lie in our bed. I was lying with him all throughout his sickness; was there there when he took his last breathe. Held hi
For hours after he left this world--now everything I lay down, all of those memories are as real as if they just happened . I relive that moment over and over many times a day. I just cant sleep in the place where those memories are the most clear. I have "slept" on the couch every night since the day he left me. I can t say that I sleep more than a couple of hours and the cummulative effect is paralyzingly.
Any advice anyone could give would be appreciated. I drive around all day for my job--doing that in my state of mind and in my state of sleep deprivation is not good. I am either crying my eyes or fighting off falling asleep! Not a good compromise! Remembering ( well. Actually reliving every single moment) is so much more than I can handle. Any suggestions?? My heart, my soul, my house, and my bed is forever empty and I just can't breathe!

Permalink Reply by JOYCE MASHER, 4 Amy 5158791808 on May 16, 2011 at 2:11pm

Tess,

I still have my husband, but I lost a daughter. We did lose my father-in -law to the same exact thing you lost your husband to. He also had non hodgkins, had the chemo, and all that goes with it. He lost weight, was like you said, comatose a lot from his meds. His also spread to his lungs and he did also have a bone replaced in his leg. That was on 4/1/1992. They told my milaw, after surgery, all went well. They were going to send him home to get better and gain some weight. I had such high hopes. And then nonchelantly, the dr says, oh, and there are more spots on his lungs!!! I didnt get it. He used to say, he was a guinea pig and never wanted any treatment. I think at times, he may have been right. And that was 19 yrs ago.

I found out later, they were told he had about 10 days and that is when hospice came in. He passed on Palm sunday, 1992. He had just retired that year at 62!

What I want to say is, we cried every min of every day, or so it seemed for a long long time. I had his only granddaughter, that he so adored, (she was born when his son/my husband was 33). My husband couldnt work. He was so heart broken and they gave him a lay off. He stayed in bed a lot, lost a lot of weight, etc. He wouldnt go to a dr for antidepressants, but I dont think it would have helped cause he prob would have overdosed. I couldnt do anything to help him, cause I was jsut as out of it. I only knew him for 5 yrs, but they were good ones. He was the perfect grandpa. (I have two other children, whom he accepted back then also when they were 9 and 10.

Now his grand daughter is with him, she passed in 2008.

As for the question, how to deal with sleeping and getting through it all, it is the hardest part of being without the loved ones we spent so much time with on a daily basis.

Maybe an over the counter sleeping pill can help relax you to at least get some needed sleep. Change the position of the bed, or the covers, etc and talk to him while you do it. Let him know you are not trying to forget but to remember him in a different light.

My son moved in later after his stop sister passed and he had no problem using her bed. But his wife, different story. She was from Turkey. So they ended up using my sofa.

It took me a long time to change her room around. it is now pretty empty. My son moved out and has her bed.

I cant even think of what I will do when or if my husband goes before me. I hope someone else can shed some light on your problem. It does get easier, but not soon enough.'

Hugs to you and bless you through this rough time.

Come here often to vent also. I does help. I mostly post on the loss of a child group, so you may want to check out the spouse group.

Tess said:

I wish I could figure the answer out to this question. My husband died about 2 months ago. He had nonhodgkins lymphoma. Went through radiation, chemotherapy, and a bone marrow transplant. With the transplant he developed Graft v. Host. With all of his time in the hospital and the his time at home with hospice, I promised myself that I wouldn't sleep without him in our bed. I slept I a chair beside his hospital bed,or in the hospital bed whenthe docs weren't looking!! When my husband came home on hospice, he was weak almost comotose at some points. Now that he is gone, I still can't lie in our bed. I was lying with him all throughout his sickness; was there there when he took his last breathe. Held hi
For hours after he left this world--now everything I lay down, all of those memories are as real as if they just happened . I relive that moment over and over many times a day. I just cant sleep in the place where those memories are the most clear. I have "slept" on the couch every night since the day he left me. I can t say that I sleep more than a couple of hours and the cummulative effect is paralyzingly.
Any advice anyone could give would be appreciated. I drive around all day for my job--doing that in my state of mind and in my state of sleep deprivation is not good. I am either crying my eyes or fighting off falling asleep! Not a good compromise! Remembering ( well. Actually reliving every single moment) is so much more than I can handle. Any suggestions?? My heart, my soul, my house, and my bed is forever empty and I just can't breathe!

Permalink Reply by Tess on May 16, 2011 at 3:30pm

Thanks so much for your reply. I am so sorry to hear about your losses....This whole thing is just awful and things are still very raw for me. I appreciate you suggestions. I truly am the banner of mental health, I know :) as I really can't even go into our room. I have two young kids 8 and 6 who are truly struggling with the loss of their daddy and I feel like I have failed both my husband and my kids. I can't seem to help them like I feel I should because I am having so many issues and as for my husband. I feel like I have failed him on so many levels. Most I know are not justified logically but none of this is logical. I hope things do get better for you also.

This is my first post on this site, as my boss and friend just told me about this site and thought it might be helpful. You have definitely helped to see that I am not alone in these feelings. thanks a bunch.

JOYCE MASHER, Amy's mom said:

Tess,

I still have my husband, but I lost a daughter. We did lose my father-in -law to the same exact thing you lost your husband to. He also had non hodgkins, had the chemo, and all that goes with it. He lost weight, was like you said, comatose a lot from his meds. His also spread to his lungs and he did also have a bone replaced in his leg. That was on 4/1/1992. They told my milaw, after surgery, all went well. They were going to send him home to get better and gain some weight. I had such high hopes. And then nonchelantly, the dr says, oh, and there are more spots on his lungs!!! I didnt get it. He used to say, he was a guinea pig and never wanted any treatment. I think at times, he may have been right. And that was 19 yrs ago.

I found out later, they were told he had about 10 days and that is when hospice came in. He passed on Palm sunday, 1992. He had just retired that year at 62!

What I want to say is, we cried every min of every day, or so it seemed for a long long time. I had his only granddaughter, that he so adored, (she was born when his son/my husband was 33). My husband couldnt work. He was so heart broken and they gave him a lay off. He stayed in bed a lot, lost a lot of weight, etc. He wouldnt go to a dr for antidepressants, but I dont think it would have helped cause he prob would have overdosed. I couldnt do anything to help him, cause I was jsut as out of it. I only knew him for 5 yrs, but they were good ones. He was the perfect grandpa. (I have two other children, whom he accepted back then also when they were 9 and 10.

Now his grand daughter is with him, she passed in 2008.

As for the question, how to deal with sleeping and getting through it all, it is the hardest part of being without the loved ones we spent so much time with on a daily basis.

Maybe an over the counter sleeping pill can help relax you to at least get some needed sleep. Change the position of the bed, or the covers, etc and talk to him while you do it. Let him know you are not trying to forget but to remember him in a different light.

My son moved in later after his stop sister passed and he had no problem using her bed. But his wife, different story. She was from Turkey. So they ended up using my sofa.

It took me a long time to change her room around. it is now pretty empty. My son moved out and has her bed.

I cant even think of what I will do when or if my husband goes before me. I hope someone else can shed some light on your problem. It does get easier, but not soon enough.'

Hugs to you and bless you through this rough time.

Come here often to vent also. I does help. I mostly post on the loss of a child group, so you may want to check out the spouse group.

Tess said:
I wish I could figure the answer out to this question. My husband died about 2 months ago. He had nonhodgkins lymphoma. Went through radiation, chemotherapy, and a bone marrow transplant. With the transplant he developed Graft v. Host. With all of his time in the hospital and the his time at home with hospice, I promised myself that I wouldn't sleep without him in our bed. I slept I a chair beside his hospital bed,or in the hospital bed whenthe docs weren't looking!! When my husband came home on hospice, he was weak almost comotose at some points. Now that he is gone, I still can't lie in our bed. I was lying with him all throughout his sickness; was there there when he took his last breathe. Held hi
For hours after he left this world--now everything I lay down, all of those memories are as real as if they just happened . I relive that moment over and over many times a day. I just cant sleep in the place where those memories are the most clear. I have "slept" on the couch every night since the day he left me. I can t say that I sleep more than a couple of hours and the cummulative effect is paralyzingly.
Any advice anyone could give would be appreciated. I drive around all day for my job--doing that in my state of mind and in my state of sleep deprivation is not good. I am either crying my eyes or fighting off falling asleep! Not a good compromise! Remembering ( well. Actually reliving every single moment) is so much more than I can handle. Any suggestions?? My heart, my soul, my house, and my bed is forever empty and I just can't breathe!

Permalink Reply by JOYCE MASHER, 4 Amy 5158791808 on May 16, 2011 at 4:59pm

Tess, I didnt think to ask how old you are or if you have children!!! I have to say, this makes it much harder. I dont work and just lately since the weather in PA, where I live, got nice. I dont have a car to go places, its being worked on, and hubby takes the other one, so I keep busy at home. But there are days, like you are saying, some things cant be looked at or used.

I use to feel and maybe I still do, eating something that was a special food she liked and I am sure that is one thing that a lot of us go through. Eating things we shared. I have to say, probably in your case, just about anything will be hard and as for the kids, who are so young, I dont know what I would do either. We all just get by, day by day.

I hope you can find some help with others in your shoes. One of hte things we do on here also, is mention books to read if you can find the time. I do digital versions, because I cant seem to shop in places where I may break down. I still cry a lot, dont get me wrong and you will too.

Check out the loss of a spouse group for sure, because you know you can hear the stories from those going thru your special loss. We are all grieving for a loved one and are at different lengths of time since, but you are so new and fresh. It is like I said, going to be a long journey.

God bless you and those little ones.

Check in now and then and I can also follow your posts. I have a few friends that we do email off the site, but I like posting here. Sometimes what one says helps many.

hugs again, and I am so sorry for your loss.

Permalink Reply by JOYCE MASHER, 4 Amy 5158791808 on May 16, 2011 at 4:59pm

God bless you and those little ones.

Check in now and then and I can also follow your posts. I have a few friends that we do email off the site, but I like posting here. Sometimes what one says helps many.

hugs again, and I am so sorry for your loss.