I just feel like I want to sleep for the remaining time I have here in this life. I take my medications and I just don't want to feel the pain, I want to be numb and lately I have to push myself to get out to do my errands. Just let me sleep my life away. Yet, I know there are things I have to do. Everyone is in so much sorrow. I remember you all in my daily prayers. Lately I don't even want to get out of bed, but I make myself. Why can't I just live out my days asleep that I don't have to remember that Danny is gone out of my life. I think when my cable runs out that my sister-in-law was paying for which just happens to be on the day my husband was born on September 16 I'll just turn off the TV and not watch anything because nothing is the same anymore. The same old jokes that make me laugh also make me cry because I laugh alone, the world is in a mess, whether I watch the news or not, the bad things that happen, will still happen. I don't enjoy eating, and the beautiful parts of the world like the flowers, rainbows and waterfalls leave me cold, I'd rather relish the beauty in the next life where God is in His Heaven which is where I desire to be. My plan is to just get rid of everything I don't use or need and let those who will be taking care of things after I die just do the rest themselves. I wanted to spare them but they are very busy with their children and their own lives and I really understand that but when the time comes they will have to make time. There are still medicines that Danny never ended up taking that I have to get rid of, but I'm leaving his personal things and clothes right where they are. My goal is to clean out my place where I live for something to do and I wish I could just not feel anything but just exist, because that's all I'm doing right now anyway. Missing him is just squeezing the life right out of me. I hope you are all doing better somehow. I feel your pain, each and every one of you. What makes me think I can do this for years, but somehow God is getting me from day to day and I believe He placed you all in my life. At least I have somewhere to go as no one I know in my family or friends, even though I know in my heart that they have love for me, they have no clue, but all of you do, and I am grateful for you all. Thank you for letting me share and understanding me.
God bless and hugs,
I TRUELY AM SORRY THAT YOU ARE IN SO MUCH PAIN. I WISH THEIR WAS SOMETHING I COULD DO OR SAY TO YOU. I WILL PRAY FOR YOU. I ALSO DO UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL. I TOO, HAVE PROBLEMS GETTING OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING. I AM ONLY AT PEACE WHEN I AM ABLE TO SLEEP, THEN I WISH I WOULD JUST STAY ASLEEP. IF IT WERENT FOR MY FULLTIME JOB, I PROBABLY WOULD NEVER GET OUT OF BED. I DONT ENJOY ANYTHING ANYMORE. I AM SO JEALOUS OF OTHER COUPLES THAT I SEE AROUND ME. I AM SO ANGRY THAT I LOST THE BEST FRIEND THAT I HAVE EVER HAD. IT SEEMS SO UNFAIR. I AM ALSO VERY SCARED OF BEING LEFT ALONE AND WHAT AM I TO DO WHEN MY HEALTH STARTS TO FAIL? I STILL HAVE ALL MY HUSBANDS THINGS, JUST THE WAY THEY ALWAYS HAVE BEEN. I HAVE NO MOTIVATION TO GET RID OF THEM. HOWEVER I DONT HAVE MOTIVATION FOR ANYTHING. I USED TO EXERCISE EVERY DAY NO MATTER WHAT IT WAS PART OF MY DAY. NOW I DO WELL TO GO TO THE GYM ONCE A WEEK. I REALLY USED TO LOVE LIFE.NOT AS MUCH AS MY HUSBAND BUT I COULD ALWAYS FIND SOMETHING TO BE GRATEFUL FOR.I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW GOD COULD HAVE POSSIBLY THOUGHT THAT I WAS A STRONG ENOUGH PERSON TO BE LEFT HERE WITHOUT ROGER.THEY SAY EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, WELL I CANT IMAGINE THE REASON FOR THIS. LET ME SAY, I AM SO SORRY THAT I CANT BE MORE POSITIVE FOR YOU SUZANNE, BUT I AM NOT GOING TO PRETEND THAT I AM OK WHEN I AM NOT. IF I CANT BE HONEST AND OPEN ABOUT HOW I FEEL, THEN I DONT NEED TO BE ON THIS SITE. I UNDERSTAND EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL AND I WILL CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR YOU SUZANNE.GOD BLESS YOU.
Suzanne, my story can be word for word with your story. I did organize LouAnn's things somewhat. I WON'T throw anything of her away. She has notes written everywhere about new book authors to check out. All kinds of recipes. Her schedule for doing the Thanksgiving meal in time frame order. List of what we need on our trip to the Mayo Clinic for my evaluations every couple of years. Her pants and shirt are still on the vacuum cleaner handle next to the bed where she put them to take her nap. Her smell is gone from her shirt, I sniffed it all gone. But I still have her perfume bottles. Empty days and lonely nights. I cant do a thing to help you except be here and share. And hugs of course. Hugs are good.
I wish there was something I could say or do for you to make you feel better. I read what you write here and it is always so sad, and I feel so bad for you. I don't remember how long it has been since you lost your Danny, so I don't know where you are in the greiving process. Tho' the time factor is so different for each of us. I sometimes wonder if the medicaion you are on isn't the right ones for you, or maybe too strong in the wrong way. You are getting rid of some of your things, but yet still have medication of Danny's. Small steps Suzanne, throw them away. It's a start. It could bring some healing for you.
I would like to wrap my arms around you and give you strength. Know that we all care about you. Write whatever you need to, we will be here to support you. May God give you the peace and comfort you deserve and need. Hugs to you.
Suzanne, we are all here for you and we understand exactly what you are feeling. It's been one year and 12 days since Brad went to heaven and I still have things of his where they were the day he left. That's okay, there is no timeline for grief, you do things as you want to, not what others who haven't lived this life say. I guess I'm a little different than you and some others, I don't want to stay in bed because it is where I just lay and think. Whenever I wake up, no matter what time of the night it is, I get up and start doing something. I can't sit still because it hurts too much to do that. Brad and I were always doing something. It's the nights when we would be together on the couch that I miss. When night time comes I'm lost.
I don't know how long its been for you, it doesn't matter, the hurt and lonliness is still there. I am here for you along with everyone else. I'm sending you a big hug and praying that you can feel some of the beauty around you sometimes. If you ever want to talk, call me: 414-852-3422 I'm on CST in Wisconsin. I'll say a prayer for you tonight. Take care and dont lose hope, you've got memories and those are good to hold on to.