Am I there yet?

I just feel like I want to sleep for the remaining time I have here in this life. I take my medications and I just don't want to feel the pain, I want to be numb and lately I have to push myself to get out to do my errands. Just let me sleep my life away. Yet, I know there are things I have to do. Everyone is in so much sorrow. I remember you all in my daily prayers. Lately I don't even want to get out of bed, but I make myself. Why can't I just live out my days asleep that I don't have to remember that Danny is gone out of my life. I think when my cable runs out that my sister-in-law was paying for which just happens to be on the day my husband was born on September 16 I'll just turn off the TV and not watch anything because nothing is the same anymore. The same old jokes that make me laugh also make me cry because I laugh alone, the world is in a mess, whether I watch the news or not, the bad things that happen, will still happen. I don't enjoy eating, and the beautiful parts of the world like the flowers, rainbows and waterfalls leave me cold, I'd rather relish the beauty in the next life where God is in His Heaven which is where I desire to be. My plan is to just get rid of everything I don't use or need and let those who will be taking care of things after I die just do the rest themselves. I wanted to spare them but they are very busy with their children and their own lives and I really understand that but when the time comes they will have to make time. There are still medicines that Danny never ended up taking that I have to get rid of, but I'm leaving his personal things and clothes right where they are. My goal is to clean out my place where I live for something to do and I wish I could just not feel anything but just exist, because that's all I'm doing right now anyway. Missing him is just squeezing the life right out of me. I hope you are all doing better somehow. I feel your pain, each and every one of you. What makes me think I can do this for years, but somehow God is getting me from day to day and I believe He placed you all in my life. At least I have somewhere to go as no one I know in my family or friends, even though I know in my heart that they have love for me, they have no clue, but all of you do, and I am grateful for you all. Thank you for letting me share and understanding me.

God bless and hugs,

Suzanne

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Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on August 20, 2010 at 3:26pm

Amazing, isnt it ? I never looked forward to dying and was afraid to die. Now, I welcome it am not afraid. Just hang in there everybody. Hugs to all.Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Fernandohulya on August 20, 2010 at 3:45pm

Suzanne I feel the same each and every word you said but I had to force myself to go out a little bit more so my children would not feel so isolated. I am missing him so much that the pain overwhelms me so much that I try not to think of any thoughts at all. The years I have had left in here seem to me a waste without him beside me living our dream to grow old enjoying the fruit of labour we strived together. The pain will never go away ever for my Baby Fernando the man I love so much the one I seek to met again, the touch I miss so much, his voice I crave to hear again. I pretend that life must go on as everyone keeps saying it repeatedly but what about my Babies furture who took that away from us form him. He alwasy said he looks forward to be grandfather, going travelling with me and enjoying each other till we die together. WHAT FUTURE I AM JUST HERE LIKE A GHOST WAITING FOR WHAT! It makes my heart ache not only when I think that his life was to short for my Baby Fernando and me but also to read the pain of my fellow friends in here but it also helps me in so many ways to read their feeling I share in evey way. I gained a whole new family I thought it could have not been possible.

Permalink Reply by TINA GREER on August 20, 2010 at 7:52pm

Suzanne, I take one second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. That is all any of us can do. I try to get together with the kids (we have 5 between us and 9 grandchildren) when I can, and that helps. I have been going to our daughters 1 day a week for dinner. It's something to look forward to. I have a wonderful family and great support. I do good some days, others are horrible. It may hit me out of the blue, for no reason. I am making many changes in my life - needed changes - but I am so sad that he is not here to share them with me. The worst is the nights. No one to talk to, share things with, snuggle with. I believe that we have all found each other here to help us get through. Everyone deals with things differently, but it is ok... whatever we need to do to make it through. Hang in there.

Permalink Reply by Jerry on August 21, 2010 at 7:28am

My wife Karen was not very religious,but a few weeks before she pased away, she did accpet the sister that was sent by the hospice to talk to her and we prayed together, that has brought me some comfort in knowing she died in peace with God. I do rpay and belive in miracles. Last year she was in the hospital with complications from the chemo and was not expected to make it, she spent 30 days in ICU on a respirator. I went to a church near the hospital and prayed every day for her not to die like that. She did somehow make it and had 3 months of a somewhat normal summer before the cancer took hold and took her in 3 months. At least I can thank God for that. We have to go on and cherish the time we have left here. Take care of ourselves and no do anything to hasten or dimise.