My younger brother, Darin, died in July 2001 and it was completely unexpected to my entire family, although he was aware of his terminal illness for a long time but never told anyone. He and I hadn't spoken for quite a number or years because of my stubbornness. I decided that I wanted to try and make amends with him in hopes that we could become friends again but I did not realize how sick he was. He was in and out of the hospital for a few weeks and then it was over. It was a complete shock to all of us. My Mom took it the worst. Fortunately, Darin and I talked and visited several times while he was in and out of the hospital. I asked for his forgiveness and told him that I loved him. I apologized for missing out on his love and friendship because of my stubbornness for all the years. He said not to worry about it and that we could still be friends. Darin's always been forgiving like that – I am the complete opposite. It kills me that I allowed my stupid beliefs to get in the way of something so important and I will never be able to get it back. Now I carry so many regrets and so much guilt for my behavior. I know that we could have been good friends because we were very similar creatures. We had similar interests and ideas growing up. We just drifted apart as people do. After all of these years, though, I still feel so foolish because I let insignificant things get in the way of the more important things in life. Now I can never get it back but I still have the guilt and regrets. It's funny how I expected everything to stay the same in this life. Although it's been several years, I still find it hard to believe that one of my brothers is gone forever. When I see his photographs reality comes back to me, every time, and I shake my head with disbelief. I do miss him and I cry for him but I also feel that I haven't really grieved for him because we were so out of touch with each other. I'm just not sure how much more death I can bear.