Dealing with a sibling's death

Grief support: Share your story and learn from others about coping with the loss of a sibling.

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Hank on April 20, 2009 at 12:47pm

Does anyone feel like other family aren't grieving at the same level as they are? I feel weird about this, but my pain is so intense and some people make comments that hurt me deeply as if they don't care like i do. Im soooo devastated but glad he's out of pain.

Hank

Permalink Reply by kim on April 20, 2009 at 1:19pm

Hank I hear you loud and clear.. I think you are right about the different levels, everyone is going to grieve diffently and at different times. Some aren't going to grieve until much later because of whatever reason theirbodies/life are allowing them. IF that makes any sense. I know that it has been almost 3 months and I am now beginning to have a lot more tears. My mom has days where she goes in and out of being able to even talk to her. When we were all together recently, we decided that maybe we needed the colored flags... kindof like we have the colors for terrorist alerts and we could put them out in the front yard to alert anyone coming to the house what kind of "mood" we might be in then we could really decide if it was worth stopping to talk. Death, sudden death, has got to be one of the toughest situations to go through. Depending on relations prior and relationships now really depends on how people are going to respond or not respond. Try taking what they say with a grain of salt because we only know how we, ourselves, are feeling and sometimes forget or don't care how the others are feeling. Maybe they are jellous of your relationship or they are to proud to admit they are hurting so much. I don't know, but just know that we are all only human and weren't taught how to deal with any of this stuff....take care of yourself. Someday it would interesting to have a support group "get together of us on this discussion".... Hugs and prayers to you. Kim
Hank said:

Does anyone feel like other family aren't grieving at the same level as they are? I feel weird about this, but my pain is so intense and some people make comments that hurt me deeply as if they don't care like i do. Im soooo devastated but glad he's out of pain.

Hank

Permalink Reply by Hank on April 21, 2009 at 10:07am

Thanks Kim prayers to you too. My friends want me to go out and I feel almost angry that they would ask so soon. But at times I feel thankful for them to ask. The pain is sort of shifting from shock to reality and i cry every day. I feel way worse than 2 days after it happened. Wow this is difficult. I feel like surreal almost.

Permalink Reply by kim on April 21, 2009 at 10:52am

yeah you are right surreal is the ticket. IF you don't feel like going out yet don't but remind your friends to continue to ask you ALL the time you will find a time that you do. I have found that some days I am fine and other days you can't talk to me at all just stay clear away from me because nothing you say or do will be right... You need to remember that your friends don't know WHAT to do for you. If you have any ideas to give them try. so days I have found what worked today will not work tomorrow. This is just so hard. I am so looking forward to the weather getting nicer being outside and finding some peace in fishing, camping or just being........

Permalink Reply by Cassie on April 25, 2009 at 8:49am

Pam, Im back. My computer has been down and I had CPS meeting about my brothers children. I have been worried about you. You should of done Easter. You have to do your daily life as much as you can. It will not take the pain away, but helps you cope. You must feel, but you must live. YOU JUST MUST!!! I hope you get this today, and I heat from you. I have so much I'm dealing with, but I know when I "LIVE" it helps me cope with my bleeding heart. I also got a journal. I write all the time. ALL THE TIME. It is good to write whatever you feel down. A memory, your anger, pain, confusion, and whatever comes to mind. I was not sure I would stick with it, but I write everyday. I keep my journal with me at all times. (JUST A BOUT') You will have to help your mind and body cope. TIME is our bestfriend, but you have to make yourslef pull through some of this. Kinda like when you ahve the worst flu ever....then you push to go to work anyway!!! That kinda of push. Pam, try not to shut off your holidays. I do know the "GRIEF" is hard on us all. I trust that when we feel others dis not love our lost loves as much as we did, we feel that are not grieving. They are not not grieving "our way!!" The silent ones, that is their way. Our shouts and screams, that's our way. Writing is helping me pull through this. I have a friend that I ahve known since I was 15 call. She lost her brother to a overdose too. That was in 99', but she cried so hard over my brother, in that instanst, I knew my pain was forever. FOREVER. I also, realized, I have to pull throught my brothers "DEATH"....I said it..."DEATH" HE IS GONE...!!!! Took me 9 weeks to be able to say that. Why he was not found in time...SIMPLE...GOD took him out of his sick body and brought him to a healthy one. I am happy for him. Me being a human creature...wanted the details...I had many questions. The tox report is in. I have not gotten it, just not sure I want to know more than I do. It hurts. It hurts alot. The more I find out, it seems to send me back to that 1st night. I cannot relive that night over and over. For me, it is just to much. That night will always be sureal. I will never relate to that call, the lifeless body, the circumstances, and most of all my heart can't bleed like that anymore. Please let me know how you are. I have thought of you everyday. I have not been able to log on. I tried. My computer would shut off. Hope to hear from you, Love Cassie

Permalink Reply by Rachel Laws on April 26, 2009 at 8:26pm

Has anyone lost their only sibling and dealing with life as a "single child" now?

It's the most weirdest thing to go through and it's really difficult trying to keep my parents happy while also living my life as well...any thoughts on this?

Permalink Reply by Rachel Laws on April 26, 2009 at 8:34pm

Hi Suzy,

I know how it feels to lose a brother and so unexpectadly. My bro went in the hospital for a sinus infection and turned quickly into his whole immune system shutting down. He was on life support and we had to make the decision to let him go. It's been about 2 years now but I still miss him. As the days go by, it does get better but I just keeping reminding myself that I'll see him again. Take care - Rachel
SuzyQ said:

Last November I lost my older brother, he was only twenty-one and died from Diabetes 1. It was unexpected and no one knew he had it, neither did he. It turned out he had the flu for awhile, which we all knew about and during this time he picked up a rare case of Diabetes 1. Within two weeks of having this he died in my parent's home while I was at school.

It's only been five months since his death, and I thought at first that I was cooping well with the situation, and healing. But recently I have felt that I'm sinking into a deep hole of depression, I find myself sleeping more, and not really wanting to socalize. I just can't seem to let go, there's a part of me that says it's all a bad dream and that I will wake up. At the same time, I'm trying so hard to move on, but I'm not sure how I'm suppose to do this. I find myself pushing thoughts of him in the back of my head, and whenever he's brought up I can't handle it and break down and cry. He was just my dearest and best friend, and I really feel like a huge piece of my heart has been ripped out of me, I feel empty and heart broken.

Permalink Reply by Cassie on April 30, 2009 at 10:19am

Sudden death is one of the hardest things I have ever been through. You need to deal with your loss your way. This is a time you can not help others. (even your parents) I told mine...I have to grieve my way, and I can not help you at this time. We all hurt different, we all heal different. Take time for you, and explain you need time. Another child can never replace another child. DO NOT EVEN TRY!!! Take the time you need..... get up, stay busy, (with constructive things) cry, hit the walls, and mostly be good to yourself during this very intense painful time. I understand it, but I am still alive. I refuse to live miserable. I cry for no reason alot of the time. I can tell my story and barely get choked up. I tried to talk about it yesterday, and cried like it just happened. It is 10 weeks out. I am heart broken and will always feel the loss of my brother. PLease try to live each day better than the one before. I have great faith that I will see him again. I have great faith that once you are in HEAVEN, you don't want to come back. Those left behind hurt and morn. Those who crossed over are happy and in the perfect place. I hope you do better with your grief, and I take each day as it comes. If I can't talk one day, I don't. Those days I feel I can handle it, I enjoy the sun, birds, cooking, and my family. I got the last pair of shoes I cought him, and I smell them everyday. His ex took off with everything he had, and I got a pair of shoes. I do not need stuff to remind my heart how much I love him. While I am alive, he is alive!!

Permalink Reply by Hank on May 1, 2009 at 8:01am

Well it's been four weeks since the sudden passing of my brother and i know i can never be the same. I do feel less intensity of pain, however my sadness and sense off loss is more real now. I find comfort in two things: 1. that he is out of his downward spiral and free of pain and 2. of the many treasured memories that i can never and will never let go of.

Hank

Permalink Reply by Cassie on May 3, 2009 at 1:53pm

Hank, you will have many days that you do better.You will have many days that you are not doing so well with your loss. At only four weeks out, I was still a mess. I will always miss my brother. I will always have a sense of loss. However, my brother was a huge responsability. One that worried me more and more. He died 2 days before his 34th birthday. I knew by the way he looked, his days were coming to a end. I know that, I did and offered all I knew to help my brother. I miss his big hug so much. It is 11 weeks today. Please just give yourself time to heal some. I can be shopping for groceries, and all the sudden tears stream down my face. I have not wore make-up since his funeral, that was Feb. 26th. I can't, it would just end up down my face. I feel like maybe, I can try to wear it again. I have taken my time dealing with his loss. I have done well somedays, and I was a nightmare to be around many, many, many, many, days!!! I smell my brothers shoes everyday. I bought them for his last brithday. I was getting him a new pair for his birthday this year and some clothes. His money went for drugs, and I always bought what he needed. I never got to give him those new things. I was going to have a heart to heart wiht him about re-hab...again!! Well, he died...that haunts me. I do know he would not want me behaving like a "MAD WOMAN", and I do know those demons are free of him now. That gives me great peace. Grieve for your brother, but let TIME..be your bestfriend. Time will help you more than anyone's words, time will free of the intense pain you have right now, time will allow you to remember the great things more and more, and time will guide you everyday for the rest of your life with your loss. TIME is on our side with this great loss. I hope that I never feel that intense, insane, horriable, bleeding pain ever again. I still have issues with understanding all that has taken place. I know what has happened, but it just still seems not true. I hope that you feel better each day. I hope that you remember good things, and the intense loss and pain is something you feel on a bad day, here and there. For me, faith has gotten stronger. It has pulled me through this nightmare. I was angry for many reasons at first. If he can not be here, then HEAVEN is the only other place he can be that gives me any comfort at all. Those with near death experiances say...when you cross over...you do not want to come back. I have read all I can get my hands on to understand the next life. I needed to know that my brother had made the journey successfully. I have had many signs from him that he has. I can feel that TEDDY BEAR hug he gave me all the time. Like I am being sqeezed to death. I am kinda little, and my brother was a BIG guy...and that hug was the best hug in the world. I love him and will see him again. I hope you are better, and give yourself time....

Hank said:

Well it's been four weeks since the sudden passing of my brother and i know i can never be the same. I do feel less intensity of pain, however my sadness and sense off loss is more real now. I find comfort in two things: 1. that he is out of his downward spiral and free of pain and 2. of the many treasured memories that i can never and will never let go of.

Hank

Permalink Reply by sue on May 4, 2009 at 9:28am

Cassie, you are wise. Your message is right on. I lost my husband to sudden death and it has been almost a year but I feel as you do. I have to be alive or I will die. I take care of me and try to be kind to me and allow others to do as they must. This is something I will never get over but I truly believe Tom is in heaven and he is happy. He will be there waiting when I cross over and I will be so happy to see him. I would take him back in a heartbeat but I would not ask him to come even if he could. I like to think of him fishing in this beautiful clear lake. He loved to fish. I love to smell his shirt that he had worn and hung up in the closet. He had turned up the cuffs. I just have to kiss anything of his I find, a picture, anything. It is so hard to be here where we lived and loved but I wouldn't have it any other way. I am slowly cleaning out things because you are right, things are not needed to remember and he and I were always good at blessing other people with things they needed and we didn't.
I just finished my last class for foster care and I think this will be a good move for me. It has been on my heart for years and now I can do it. I truly don't feel I will ever be in another relationship but if the Lord wants me there, he will make it so appealing that I will want to go but I just don't feel it. Maybe later down the road but who knows. I feel like I will always be Tom's wife. suep

Permalink Reply by Hank on May 13, 2009 at 1:52pm

This is an overwhelming experience. How do people get to the point of being ok again? I have great respect for those that have gone thru this. I can't describe in words what i feel. I hope and pray i see my brother and all my loved ones again up in heaven.

Hank