Dealing with a sibling's death

Grief support: Share your story and learn from others about coping with the loss of a sibling.

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Permalink Reply by Maggie-David's little sister on January 24, 2011 at 12:54pm

My brother's birthday is coming up and can't help from thinking if February will ever be a happy month for me? use to look foward to valentines day and so many other things during this time.... and now it's just another time I won't be able to share with my sibling.

Permalink Reply by Nairuba damalie on January 25, 2011 at 2:38pm

ON 19/01/2011 I LOST MY BROTHER IN AN ACCIDENT HE WAS 37 YEARS I SOME TIMES THINK THAT ITS NOT TRUE ITS JUST A DREAM AM SO DEPRESSED IT WAS SO SUDDEN I KEEP ON REMEMBERING HIS FACE THE WORDS HE SAID TO ME BEFORE HE DIED I DONT WANT TO LAUGH ANY MORE I FEEL SO SAD MY HEART IS BROKEN SOMETIMES I FEEL SICK WISH I COULD CONTROL HOW I FEEL , I GO TO HIS ROOM I LOOK AT HIS BED HIS CLOTHES IN WHICH HE WORE WHEN THE ACCIDENT HAPPENED I STILL DONT WANT TO BELIEVE IT PLS HELP ME SOME TIMES I THINK IT WAS NOT THE RIGHT TIME HE SHOULD NOT HAVE DIED

Permalink Reply by River of Tears on January 30, 2011 at 7:06am

Wishing only that I told my Sister that she was LOVE to me

As she lived and will be forever

Always and Forever in my Heart she will stay .

Comfort to all

Permalink Reply by Elisa on February 4, 2011 at 3:15am

hello, I am new to this site..I lost my older sister to suicide almost 2 years ago now..it is still hard to imagine her being gone. being a sibling is hard..I am terrified at the fact that after my parents pass...I will be on my own..of course I will have my husband and friends..but I wont have a sibling..some one you can count on for anything or vent to about family issues and what not...it scares me..does anyone else feel this way??

Permalink Reply by River of Tears on February 5, 2011 at 4:58am

Dear Nairuba damalie , Many heart felt thoughts go out to you . Many of the things though slightly different are things that I too am doing in the few month following my Sisters passing . Though not from an accident as you brother which I can not even imagine what you must be feeling . I was of sorts close , going into the hospital with hopes to come home yet I found myself walking out alone . Still asking if this is a nightmare that I will wake up from but here I am at this site so it must be true . The pain that I feel is deeper that ever felt . Though the love I have for her and will always have was beyond what I could even put into words. May you find some comfort in the days ahead , even if it is in going to his clothes as you have as I seem to still do . Wondering if they are still here for that reason. So much is held in ever thing she had and owned , memories of shared times together , or gifts that she planned to give another or even receipts from where we last were out to eat. Allow yourself the time you need , not any clock or time that others may go by . This is your love and your pain for you brother. This is only something I learned after weeks of struggle trying to keep up with the world around me . Also I surprisingly found coming here was a place to come , if not to share then to only read what others to sadly have had to go through .

The love for a Brother or a Sister is like no other .

Take care

Nairuba damalie said:

ON 19/01/2011 I LOST MY BROTHER IN AN ACCIDENT HE WAS 37 YEARS I SOME TIMES THINK THAT ITS NOT TRUE ITS JUST A DREAM AM SO DEPRESSED IT WAS SO SUDDEN I KEEP ON REMEMBERING HIS FACE THE WORDS HE SAID TO ME BEFORE HE DIED I DONT WANT TO LAUGH ANY MORE I FEEL SO SAD MY HEART IS BROKEN SOMETIMES I FEEL SICK WISH I COULD CONTROL HOW I FEEL , I GO TO HIS ROOM I LOOK AT HIS BED HIS CLOTHES IN WHICH HE WORE WHEN THE ACCIDENT HAPPENED I STILL DONT WANT TO BELIEVE IT PLS HELP ME SOME TIMES I THINK IT WAS NOT THE RIGHT TIME HE SHOULD NOT HAVE DIED

Permalink Reply by Effie on February 5, 2011 at 9:57am

I lost my brother Alex on April 28, 2007. He died in a car accident at the age of 31. He had been married for 8 months and had two little boys who were 3 and 5 at the time. he had just finished building his house in upstate NY and was farming and on his way to a bee keepers conference when he missed a stop sign that was covered by branches and went into oncoming traffic. Thankfully no one else was killed although a young mother was seriously injured but she is since gotten much better. I have been coming to this place since then. I have gone through so many changes since he passed. Our whole family has. Life will never be the same. The world is just different now. He's not here anymore. I can't say it gets better. I can say it gets easier to get by day to day. It gets easier to laugh and smile and live life. I am still angry. I still cry and I still feel that empty feeling at times. He was my only sibling. It was me and him forever. Friends and spouses come and go. Kids grow up and leave home. But he was the one who was supposed to be there till the end. And then it all changed in the blink of an eye. One phone call from my dad saying "He's gone", and that was it. I will never be the same person I was before that moment. Part of me went with him. And part of him stayed with me. He was the ONLY man on this planet who never judged me or tried to change me. He never lied to me. He was the only man who ever said I love you and meant it. He was everything to me. And I wish I had told him that more. BUT, I have felt him with me since he passed. He has shown me signs and he has done things for me from the other side that he couldn't have done in life, but would if he could. I am getting married this year and I know he will be there with me. And when it's my turn to pass over he will be the first person there to greet me. I know that. It also comforts me that when my mom and dad pass he will be there and they will feel whole again. I know what you feel like right now and it is hell. But you cannot go around it or over it or under it you have to go through it to get to the other side. I am on the other side and it's still hard but I am living and loving and laughing again. So Alex will be proud. Becase that's why were are still here. Sending you love and light.

Nairuba damalie said:

ON 19/01/2011 I LOST MY BROTHER IN AN ACCIDENT HE WAS 37 YEARS I SOME TIMES THINK THAT ITS NOT TRUE ITS JUST A DREAM AM SO DEPRESSED IT WAS SO SUDDEN I KEEP ON REMEMBERING HIS FACE THE WORDS HE SAID TO ME BEFORE HE DIED I DONT WANT TO LAUGH ANY MORE I FEEL SO SAD MY HEART IS BROKEN SOMETIMES I FEEL SICK WISH I COULD CONTROL HOW I FEEL , I GO TO HIS ROOM I LOOK AT HIS BED HIS CLOTHES IN WHICH HE WORE WHEN THE ACCIDENT HAPPENED I STILL DONT WANT TO BELIEVE IT PLS HELP ME SOME TIMES I THINK IT WAS NOT THE RIGHT TIME HE SHOULD NOT HAVE DIED

Permalink Reply by River of Tears on February 7, 2011 at 2:19am

Finding Direction now with out her , feels impossible . My loving Sister passed not long ago and I can not seem to move forward . What ever that means. She was not my twin , 2 years older , still very young . We shared almost everything in life , even when we moved away from one another always on the phone or on the computer sharing our lives . Some how we would find ourselves right back together . Kismet , no.. I think it was more love for one another . We just love to share time and each others company, laughing at jokes no one else would ever get . She would smile eating things she never would have chosen if not for me . We would think of ourselves as our own moving company always to stop off at our favorite place to eat, as the truck sat in the parking lot . . She was kind , gentle, and loving . More then anyone I knew . Understanding never was a concern with her for she had the uncanny ability to listen while others seemed to hear something totally different . We had total trust in each other , a trust that just seemed to be there from the beginning . Now trust for me is a struggle . We used to call one another when ever we just needed to talk things out , I do that now but I do not hear her . Sometimes I think I have felt her hug me , but this I know is only my wishing thinking. If it were true I would have been able to hug her back as I used to do everyday .

Permalink Reply by Laura Weatherholt on February 14, 2011 at 11:52pm

I recently lost my older sister at the age of 38. She had a beautiful son who was 10. He is with his dad now and I also feel as if I have lost him. I don't know how to live any longer. It is hard, but I cannot seem to think, sleep, eat or anything without feeling extreme pain. I can't get rid of this pain in my stomach. It seems like the pain will never get better. I feel so much guilt and am not sure what to do with it. What can I do to make this better.

Permalink Reply by River of Tears on February 15, 2011 at 6:40am

Dear Laura, Heartfelt thoughts go out to you . What you shared was almost tangible as many of what I have read . Please know that a hand is here from many if you need ,as I found in the last few months since my dear Sister passed away ( the most painful time I have found in my life ) . There is nothing like a Sister or a Brother and the Blessing to love her . Which you clearly you do ..

Please take care, even if to return to share .

Best to everyon may comfort come with peace

Laura Weatherholt said:

I recently lost my older sister at the age of 38. She had a beautiful son who was 10. He is with his dad now and I also feel as if I have lost him. I don't know how to live any longer. It is hard, but I cannot seem to think, sleep, eat or anything without feeling extreme pain. I can't get rid of this pain in my stomach. It seems like the pain will never get better. I feel so much guilt and am not sure what to do with it. What can I do to make this better.

Permalink Reply by Effie on February 15, 2011 at 8:38am

Dear Laura, My brother also died suddenly at the age of 31 three and a half years ago. The day he died, the moment I found out, I changed and my world changed forever. It is different and a little less joyful sometimes because he is not physically present. I still feel angry at times trust me. But in the years since he has passed over my feelings have changed. When he died I felt like I was dead. My soul was blown up. I have heard people say it's like a bomb going off in the middle of your family. It is like that. he was my ONLY sibling. So I have seen my parents endure pain I would wish on no one. I have wondered why him and not me. My entire view of God and the Universe has changed. Because he died and because I have had experiences that tell me in no uncertain terms he still exists. His name was Alex and he had/has two sons who were 3 and 5 at the time Alex passed on. His widow took them and moved far far away to be near her support and her family. Which we understood but it was like we lost an entire family in a heartbeat. I have had to go through it pretty much on my own as i have no other siblings and I really never wanted to burden my parents with my pain. It is what it is. BUT it gets better. It does. I sear that to you on my brothers soul. And he would be ok with that. :-) I have had moments of sadness because him being gone now has become almost "normal". Which I hate. But as time passes and life moves forward you start to recall things without crying. I can laugh again. Really laugh and mean it. I have seen his boys and now that they are a little older their mom is ok with me taking them to my house in Maine for two weeks int he summer! I am getting married in six months to a beautiful man who never met Alex but I have a feeling Alex had something to do with us being together. Your sister is in a good place. She is with the souls of those who loved her who went before her. She is with you. She can be anywhere now. Everywhere. IF you know someone or have a friend rec someone who is a sensitive, I highly encourage you to someday be open to that. I have spoken to Alex. I have. As sure as I am typing this right now. And I do not say things lightly after what I have been through. It really does make you stronger. Love your pets and your kids. That really helps. Having a purpose. But you cannot go around it, you have to go through it to get to the other side. And you WILL. Your sister will help you and there are others like us who REALLY understand and care deeply. I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. Someday far in the future when you are old and grey and it is your time, she will be there to greet you. It is something to keep in mind as you cry and wail and scream and talk to the walls. I have done it all and then some. Just take care of yourself. If you cannot sleep lie down and rest. If you cannot eat drink health shakes. If you cannot stop crying get takeout and ask friends to run your errands for a while. Do what you have to do. Try not to take drugs or drink or smoke too much. I say too much because if you need a little something to help you sleep or just zone out for a while without feeling like you are dying, I totally understand and would never judge. But know you can talk to her and she will hear you. And write. Thoughts with you. FE

Laura Weatherholt said:

I recently lost my older sister at the age of 38. She had a beautiful son who was 10. He is with his dad now and I also feel as if I have lost him. I don't know how to live any longer. It is hard, but I cannot seem to think, sleep, eat or anything without feeling extreme pain. I can't get rid of this pain in my stomach. It seems like the pain will never get better. I feel so much guilt and am not sure what to do with it. What can I do to make this better.

Permalink Reply by Laura Weatherholt on February 15, 2011 at 7:43pm

Thanks for all the great thoughts. I know that this pain can't last forever, but I just can't seem to accept that all of this is going on. She lived with my parents and her son for 6 years after her very messy divorce. My parents are broken now and I cannot seem to fix them. It's like I want to, but then I don't because I am not ready to move on. I know they probably won't be better for a long time, but I fear for their health too. I can't seem to stop re-thinking those 3 days in my head. I got the call in the evening of Martin Luther King Jr. Day. It had been a wonderful day. I got to spend a great weekend with my hubby and son. My dad called late that evening and said my sister had been brought into the ER and wasn't doing well. She had ingested some sodium solution to make herself throw up because she had a lot of stomach pain. That whole evening and morning seem to be okay. I had dealt with many family members going into the hospital and being really bad off being 1 of 5 kids and so I knew she would make it through. She had almost died as a baby, a horrible car wreck 20 years ago almost took her from us and multiple hospital visits for chronic health conditions...none of them took her away so how the hell could she die from salt? The whole evening she continued to have seizures, but they kept getting her body back under control. At one point in time on the second day we were in the room with her and her heart rate went out of control. My daddy got up and started to rub her head and the heart beat slowed to normal. She knew he was there...at least I thought. About an hour after that I walked in the room to see that my parents were both sobbing. My mom screamed that my sister was brain dead and there was no real possible fix for this. That evening was such a blur and I didn't sleep again...the next morning my family and I said our goodbye's and turned off the machines that was breathing for her. It just seemed so crazy because she just looked like she was sleeping. I now know how horrible that decision is to turn off life-support however there were no brain waves. We donated her organs as she had wanted and she saved 6 lives. I know that was what she always wanted, but I want her back. I can't stop reliving those moments, those pictures, those memories that I don't want, but don't want to loose because they were the last ones I had of her. I just keep thinking that these memories are going to fade, but they seem to get stronger everyday. Death is really the worst thing in life you have to live with.

Permalink Reply by Effie on February 16, 2011 at 8:15pm

The hardest part is loosing the people we are closest to in this life. But we will see them again on the other side. And it will be in the blink of an eye. So we have to do our best to live life to the fullest in their honor. That is me almost 4 years later. NOw the worst feeling I get, besides just missing him, is that it's "normal" now, for him to be gone. It's a weird place to be. It's all very strange and uncomfortable. But we learn and adapt and we will go where they went soon enough. Now is our time to live. And they are with us in spirit. I mean that literally. My thoughts are with you. Glad you can write your feelings down so well. It really helps.