Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by River of Tears on February 17, 2011 at 12:46pm

Today I thought I would be ok , well as most days I have been wrong this very much the same .  It is my Sister's Birthday , a day that she never want to pay much attention to but I alway hoped to do something special .    I am not able to , she is not her to that anymore .   Not a few months ago I was already planning on things she may need or want or that we could do together but as I sit her all I wish is that she was right her by my side .  She was still so young , hardly had a chance to live since she did so much for others most of her life and before we knew it all we were told was that she had a few days to live . How did this happen how could this be .?  No surprising her , not even a hug or I love you today .  Seems so empty . Life really did stop on that day not just for her for me too .   Not such a good day as most have been guess maybe because it is gloomy out as it feels deep inside .   Seemed like light we all hold with in ourselves or hope to have to share and give to others  well I think mine continues to dim .  As the candles on a Birthday cake they were blown out the day she passed away .   May the gift of time that I was blessed with to share with my Sister  be something each of you have with those around you .

May comfort come to each that wish as I that time would have been but a minute more .  Knowing me I would never want that minute to end . 

 

 

Permalink Reply by Elisa on February 18, 2011 at 5:43pm

Effie,

 

Reading what you have been through about being the only sibling brought tears to my eyes. I am also the only sibling of my sister who took her life almost 2 years ago.. I know what you mean about wanting tp help your parents..when she first died I was going back and forth trying to support both of them, it is hard because they are divorced but I did as best I can. I happy to hear you say that it gets better. it hasn't much for me yet. I have learned to manage the pain but I still break down when something reminds me of her..like a song or something..

 

I agree with your advice about loving your pets and family. as funny as it sounds my cat has helped me a lot she has always slept with me at night and during the day when she is resting she is always near me. she gives me soo much affection and even though she is a cat it still somehow boosts your mood and makes you feel good inside.

 

and about having to go through it and not around. WOW! ..some people have said to me to just put it out of my mind, dont think about it and you will be fine... but they are soo wrong. if I didnt go through it and keeping going hrough it as I am, I wouldnt have gotten as far as I have in respect to being able to deal and have my life back. I have very recently been able to feel like my old self again..it is with the help of anti-depressants (that are for my migrains but have this benefit). I'm not huge on taking pills...but I have been able to let go a bit and feel like myself again..and I actually feel like getting out of bed some days and enjoying going to work. I just hope I can feel this way if I ever stop taking them...that is one thing that scares me..that I wont feel myself with out the help of medicine..

Effie said:

Dear Laura,  My brother also died suddenly at the age of 31 three and a half years ago.  The day he died,  the moment I found out,  I changed and my world changed forever.  It is different and a little less joyful sometimes because he is not physically present.  I still feel angry at times trust me.  But in the years since he has passed over my feelings have changed.  When he died I felt like I was dead.  My soul was blown up.  I have heard people say it's like a bomb going off in the middle of your family.  It is like that.  he was my ONLY sibling.  So I have seen my parents endure pain I would wish on no one.  I have wondered why him and not me.  My entire view of God and the Universe has changed.  Because he died and because I have had experiences that tell me in no uncertain terms he still exists.  His name was Alex and he had/has two sons who were 3 and 5 at the time Alex passed on.  His widow took them and moved far far away to be near her support and her family.  Which we understood but it was like we lost an entire family in a heartbeat.  I have had to go through it pretty much on my own as i have no other siblings and I really never wanted to burden my parents with my pain.  It is what it is.  BUT it gets better.  It does.  I sear that to you on my brothers soul.  And he would be ok with that.  :-) I have had moments of sadness because him being gone now has become almost "normal".  Which I hate.  But as time passes and life moves forward you start to recall things without crying.  I can laugh again.  Really laugh and mean it.  I have seen his boys and now that they are a little older their mom is ok with me taking them to my house in Maine for two weeks int he summer!  I am getting married in six months to a beautiful man who never met Alex but I have a feeling Alex had something to do with us being together. Your sister is in a good place. She is with the souls of those who loved her who went before her.  She is with you.  She can be anywhere now.  Everywhere.  IF you know someone or have a friend rec someone who is a sensitive,  I highly encourage you to someday be open to that.  I have spoken to Alex.  I have.  As sure as I am typing this right now.  And I do not say things lightly after what I have been through.  It really does make you stronger.  Love your pets and your kids.  That really helps.  Having a purpose.  But you cannot go around it,  you have to go through it to get to the other side.  And you WILL.  Your sister will help you and there are others like us who REALLY understand and care deeply.  I am so sorry for your loss and your pain.  Someday far in the future when you are old and grey and it is your time,  she will be there to greet you.  It is something to keep in mind as you cry and wail and scream and talk to the walls.  I have done it all and then some.  Just take care of yourself.  If you cannot sleep lie down and rest.  If you cannot eat drink health shakes.  If you cannot stop crying get takeout and ask friends to run your errands for a while.  Do what you have to do.  Try not to take drugs or drink or smoke too much.  I say too much because if you need a little something to help you sleep or just zone out for a while without feeling like you are dying,  I totally understand and would never judge.  But know you can talk to her and she will hear you.  And write.  Thoughts with you.  FE

Laura Weatherholt said:

I recently lost my older sister at the age of 38.  She had a beautiful son who was 10.  He is with his dad now and I also feel as if I have lost him.  I don't know how to live any longer.  It is hard, but I cannot seem to think, sleep, eat or anything without feeling extreme pain.  I can't get rid of this pain in my stomach.  It seems like the pain will never get better.  I feel so much guilt and am not sure what to do with it.  What can I do to make this better.

Permalink Reply by Elisa on February 18, 2011 at 5:52pm

Laura,

 

The guilt will go away eventually, that takes times. when my sister passed she left us a lot of loosed ends of her's to tie up. because of that we had sooo many questions about her life and why she took her own life. my family and I would talk in circles just repeating the questions without ever getting an answer..eventually you give up on getting an answer because the reality is, your probably never will. I am glad that the guilt is gone..it alowed me to start actually dealing with life without my sister which is hard..but dealing with it has made my life so much better cause i'm not moping around and mad at myself and everyone about all the unanswered questions. I still get the occasional guilty feeling but it comes soon  before a breakdown...I have them about once every two months now...which is better than before.

 

just to keep your head up and like others have said go through it, not around, and try to live your life to the fullest. our loved ones are always looking down on us and I believe they would be sooo happy to see all of us living and loving our lives. because it will mean that we are better or getting there.

 

we are all here for you :)

Laura Weatherholt said:

I recently lost my older sister at the age of 38.  She had a beautiful son who was 10.  He is with his dad now and I also feel as if I have lost him.  I don't know how to live any longer.  It is hard, but I cannot seem to think, sleep, eat or anything without feeling extreme pain.  I can't get rid of this pain in my stomach.  It seems like the pain will never get better.  I feel so much guilt and am not sure what to do with it.  What can I do to make this better.

Permalink Reply by Effie on February 19, 2011 at 8:38am

Elisa...I was on Zoloft for two years and went off it when I knew I was ready.  You WILL be able to deal again one day.  just be kind to yourself.  Don't stress out about how long it takes.  It's a personal experience.  People who tell you just to put it out of your mind and move on have never lost their only sibling.  I am SO SO sorry for your loss!!!  I wish this on no one.  I totally understand.  You walk around with a huge hole in the center of your soul.  The world goes by and no one knows all you want to do is crumple up in a ball and cry forever.  One thing that his death has given me is I have lost any fears I had of death.  I have two children,  lots of animal friends and a loving man in my life,  but part of me would let it all go in a heartbeat to be with my brother.  But I know I have lots left to accomplish and Alex would want me to embrace life. So I have been able,  through a lot of time and crying and thinking and crying and wondering and crying...that he would want me to be happy.  I imagine him seeing how sad I was and wanting to yell to me "Sis!  PLEASE don't cry.  I am with you and you will see me again!!".  If it was the other way around the last thing I would want is for my family to live in sadness because of me.  So I keep that in mind every day.  I also tell myself that no matter how bad it is for me,  someone out there has it worse.  It was ALWAYS be worse.  I think of Dr. Petit in CT who lost his entire family to two deranged killers.  If HE can face today,  then I certainly can.  It puts things in perspective.  Your sister is at peace now.  Peace she could not find in life I guess.  So she is ok and where she is supposed to be. And it is the same for us.  We are where we are supposed to be.  Sending strength and love your way!!!  You are NOT ALONE.  :-)

Elisa said:

Effie,

 

Reading what you have been through about being the only sibling brought tears to my eyes. I am also the only sibling of my sister who took her life almost 2 years ago.. I know what you mean about wanting tp help your parents..when she first died I was going back and forth trying to support both of them, it is hard because they are divorced but I did as best I can. I happy to hear you say that it gets better. it hasn't much for me yet. I have learned to manage the pain but I still break down when something reminds me of her..like a song or something..

 

I agree with your advice about loving your pets and family. as funny as it sounds my cat has helped me a lot she has always slept with me at night and during the day when she is resting she is always near me. she gives me soo much affection and even though she is a cat it still somehow boosts your mood and makes you feel good inside.

 

and about having to go through it and not around. WOW! ..some people have said to me to just put it out of my mind, dont think about it and you will be fine... but they are soo wrong. if I didnt go through it and keeping going hrough it as I am, I wouldnt have gotten as far as I have in respect to being able to deal and have my life back. I have very recently been able to feel like my old self again..it is with the help of anti-depressants (that are for my migrains but have this benefit). I'm not huge on taking pills...but I have been able to let go a bit and feel like myself again..and I actually feel like getting out of bed some days and enjoying going to work. I just hope I can feel this way if I ever stop taking them...that is one thing that scares me..that I wont feel myself with out the help of medicine..

Effie said:

Dear Laura,  My brother also died suddenly at the age of 31 three and a half years ago.  The day he died,  the moment I found out,  I changed and my world changed forever.  It is different and a little less joyful sometimes because he is not physically present.  I still feel angry at times trust me.  But in the years since he has passed over my feelings have changed.  When he died I felt like I was dead.  My soul was blown up.  I have heard people say it's like a bomb going off in the middle of your family.  It is like that.  he was my ONLY sibling.  So I have seen my parents endure pain I would wish on no one.  I have wondered why him and not me.  My entire view of God and the Universe has changed.  Because he died and because I have had experiences that tell me in no uncertain terms he still exists.  His name was Alex and he had/has two sons who were 3 and 5 at the time Alex passed on.  His widow took them and moved far far away to be near her support and her family.  Which we understood but it was like we lost an entire family in a heartbeat.  I have had to go through it pretty much on my own as i have no other siblings and I really never wanted to burden my parents with my pain.  It is what it is.  BUT it gets better.  It does.  I sear that to you on my brothers soul.  And he would be ok with that.  :-) I have had moments of sadness because him being gone now has become almost "normal".  Which I hate.  But as time passes and life moves forward you start to recall things without crying.  I can laugh again.  Really laugh and mean it.  I have seen his boys and now that they are a little older their mom is ok with me taking them to my house in Maine for two weeks int he summer!  I am getting married in six months to a beautiful man who never met Alex but I have a feeling Alex had something to do with us being together. Your sister is in a good place. She is with the souls of those who loved her who went before her.  She is with you.  She can be anywhere now.  Everywhere.  IF you know someone or have a friend rec someone who is a sensitive,  I highly encourage you to someday be open to that.  I have spoken to Alex.  I have.  As sure as I am typing this right now.  And I do not say things lightly after what I have been through.  It really does make you stronger.  Love your pets and your kids.  That really helps.  Having a purpose.  But you cannot go around it,  you have to go through it to get to the other side.  And you WILL.  Your sister will help you and there are others like us who REALLY understand and care deeply.  I am so sorry for your loss and your pain.  Someday far in the future when you are old and grey and it is your time,  she will be there to greet you.  It is something to keep in mind as you cry and wail and scream and talk to the walls.  I have done it all and then some.  Just take care of yourself.  If you cannot sleep lie down and rest.  If you cannot eat drink health shakes.  If you cannot stop crying get takeout and ask friends to run your errands for a while.  Do what you have to do.  Try not to take drugs or drink or smoke too much.  I say too much because if you need a little something to help you sleep or just zone out for a while without feeling like you are dying,  I totally understand and would never judge.  But know you can talk to her and she will hear you.  And write.  Thoughts with you.  FE

Laura Weatherholt said:

I recently lost my older sister at the age of 38.  She had a beautiful son who was 10.  He is with his dad now and I also feel as if I have lost him.  I don't know how to live any longer.  It is hard, but I cannot seem to think, sleep, eat or anything without feeling extreme pain.  I can't get rid of this pain in my stomach.  It seems like the pain will never get better.  I feel so much guilt and am not sure what to do with it.  What can I do to make this better.

Permalink Reply by C Ross on February 21, 2011 at 2:21pm

My 32 year old baby brother shot himself 2 weeks ago. He suffered from depression. He left behind an 8 yr old son. How do you get thru the day when all you can do is think of conversations you had with him, wished youd had, all of the memories. How do I stop feeling like there must have been something else I could have done? I barely sleep and when I do Im dreaming of him in my dreams and I keep trying to get close enough to grab him and I cant. Its so heartbreaking. What do I do?  Im at a loss as what to do or how to get thru this.

Permalink Reply by C Ross on February 21, 2011 at 2:21pm

This is my first post........this morning I ordered my brothers Urn.........this has been an excruciating day to say the least. I NEVER EVER thought Id be ordering an urn for the man I considered to be my first child. My 32 year old baby brother shot himself 2 weeks ago. He suffered from depression. He left behind an 8 yr old son. How do you get thru the day when all you can do is think of conversations you had with him, wished youd had, all of the memories. How do I stop feeling like there must have been something else I could have done? I barely sleep and when I do Im dreaming of him in my dreams and I keep trying to get close enough to grab him and I cant. Its so heartbreaking. What do I do?  Im at a loss as what to do or how to get thru this.

Permalink Reply by sandy davis on February 22, 2011 at 10:10pm

laurie, i don't know if anyone has responded to your post.   i don't get on the site quite as much as i did at one time.   my brother has been gone over two years now and while it is still extremely hard at times, it is not hard all the time like it once was.   you are so young to have to deal with this most horrific loss.  my brother was 53 when he died and i am a little older than he so obviously i am quite older than you and i felt like an injured little child with no comfort in sight.  i hope somehow you are finding some peace and comfort.  my heart breaks for everyone on this site.  it is so obvious we are all so wounded.  i am especially sorry that you and your brother are so young.  he was just too young to go.  i felt like my brother was too young also.  please write as you feel the need because it does seem to help some.  and effie posts a lot of helpful replies.  sometimes i just get on and read but i felt a need to reply to you and i truly hope you are staying afloat as i call it.  i wish you peace and comfort.   sandy davis
Laurie Immerman said:

Hello All

 I wanted to introduce myself to the room.  My name is Laurie and i am twenty two years old. Today, Jan. 15th would of been my brother Daniels 26th birthday, unfortunetly he left us May 23rd 2009. I just thought to reach out somewhere so i searched for sibling greif support, where i found legacy. Not sure how it all works but am interested.

Permalink Reply by River of Tears on February 24, 2011 at 1:08pm

 

 

 

sandy davis said:

laurie, i don't know if anyone has responded to your post.   i don't get on the site quite as much as i did at one time.   my brother has been gone over two years now and while it is still extremely hard at times, it is not hard all the time like it once was.   you are so young to have to deal with this most horrific loss.  my brother was 53 when he died and i am a little older than he so obviously i am quite older than you and i felt like an injured little child with no comfort in sight.  i hope somehow you are finding some peace and comfort.  my heart breaks for everyone on this site.  it is so obvious we are all so wounded.  i am especially sorry that you and your brother are so young.  he was just too young to go.  i felt like my brother was too young also.  please write as you feel the need because it does seem to help some.  and effie posts a lot of helpful replies.  sometimes i just get on and read but i felt a need to reply to you and i truly hope you are staying afloat as i call it.  i wish you peace and comfort.   sandy davis
Laurie Immerman said:

Hello All

 I wanted to introduce myself to the room.  My name is Laurie and i am twenty two years old. Today, Jan. 15th would of been my brother Daniels 26th birthday, unfortunetly he left us May 23rd 2009. I just thought to reach out somewhere so i searched for sibling greif support, where i found legacy. Not sure how it all works but am interested.

Permalink Reply by C Ross on February 25, 2011 at 8:40am

Im new to this site and posted my first one 4 days ago. I'm struggling with this so deeply..........does ANYONE have any advice on my post???

Permalink Reply by River of Tears on February 25, 2011 at 12:43pm

Dear C Ross , I may not know the words that may help you but just please know that someone out there cares allot . With hope one that has more advise then I can bring you comfort .  All I can say is I am sorry for you loss and all that you are facing .  Hopfully one of the many who seem to have such comforting words will know just what to say to get you through .   

 

 Take care ..

 

A heart that is thinking of you from afar .

C Ross said:

Im new to this site and posted my first one 4 days ago. I'm struggling with this so deeply..........does ANYONE have any advice on my post???

Permalink Reply by C Ross on February 25, 2011 at 1:11pm

thank YOU for that, truly thankyou.

 

Every day seems like an eternity swallowed in pain.........I cant imagine a life without him and yet here I am, the seconds go by like days and its like a reminder that its time Ill never spend with him again.

 

I hope your finding your grief a little easier to bare as the days go by.

thankyou for caring, even though Im a stranger...."meeting" in shared grief.

Permalink Reply by Elisa on February 26, 2011 at 12:39am

Laurie,

 

from the sounds of it, I am close to being in the same boat as you. I am 24 and This May my sister would have been 27. she also left us in May of 2009. I was searching for sibling support and found legacy. it has been a wonderful site so far. I have been able to talk about anything at any time and I always get a reply back. it has been truly great. if you want to chat just send me a msg!

Laurie Immerman said:

Hello All

 I wanted to introduce myself to the room.  My name is Laurie and i am twenty two years old. Today, Jan. 15th would of been my brother Daniels 26th birthday, unfortunetly he left us May 23rd 2009. I just thought to reach out somewhere so i searched for sibling greif support, where i found legacy. Not sure how it all works but am interested.

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