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When the nights seem so long and I find myself at the one safe place now that I have found to come "Legacy" . A place that has been one of surprise and comfort and actually reassuring that there is Love out there the Love that I was so blessed to have with my Sister . Often I we used to be told when we were out that others would tell us that they only wish they could have the relationship we had . We would not even have to say a word and others just knew we were Sister not so much that we looked alike or our gestures were very much the same it was something more . It was something that Love can be seen with out saying a word. This we did not have to try at or was a struggle or even think about it was how we would wake up each and everyday . Not to say that there were the occasional times that we would have a tussle of sorts only to find ourselves apologizing for what we had said or had done . Usually it was me that had missed the boat on always being kind and loving for my Sister had this amazing ability to just be this way no matter what . Sometimes I almost wanted her to get angry with me just so that I would get what I deserved . Yet this never would happen . What would she would come to me and give me the wonderful loving hug or call me if we lived miles away . Or send a note with such loving words that would bring me to tears still thinking of them today . How was this that I as living with and Angel and had that Fortune . I know all may say this about their sibling and justifiably so , for are they not the blessing and the gift we are granted in life that we often miss or let go . Though for me if I could have held her hours on end as we lay together in the hospital as she slipped away , days pasted and then time seemed to just stopped and there was nothing more for me to say . I come now to read all the heart ache all the siblings who are longing for their brother or sister who they so loved . Hearing the pain off the page as though it is the room beside me. Wishing and wanting to bring comfort to all , yet I found on most days if not all I have yet accomplished the functioning level of life . Sort of again am " missing the boat " . If only to hope again and hold onto to something I believe then maybe the wisdom of what my Sister was teaching just by who she was , will become apart of me so that my heart and soul once again will be able to see . If not for all the Brothers and Sisters here a Legacy I may have know the way to this day , I thank you each for your kindness and may you know that thoughts of all of you my heart will keep.
This pain is one that comes from the fibers of our soul from the Love we had for the the ones we had to let go . This love is to stay in the heart of a million pieces no matter how long no matter how much pain it is there to stay always and forever .
Please take care
Dear Rev torres , I am so sorry for the loss of your brother for you and your family . How wonderful it is that you are able to come together an pray as when I read this it brought me to tears. A gift that we are given to share time with the ones we love and granted in our live , yet even more that you paused in your day , so as not to forget that with out the one who created us all we would not have been blessed at all .
I now find that Legacy and all that come to share has of sorts become a family one that I care and pray for each and every day . A family that brings me comfort when not asked and when I did not think another one would be known .
As my Family truly was a gift from God and their love was to me , your comfort as all the others has become a part of me .
Blessing to you and your family
( your brother was the blessed to have you )
and
to all that come to share .
Take care
My 32 year old baby brother shot himself 2 weeks ago. He suffered from depression. He left behind an 8 yr old son. How do you get thru the day when all you can do is think of conversations you had with him, wished youd had, all of the memories. How do I stop feeling like there must have been something else I could have done? I barely sleep and when I do Im dreaming of him in my dreams and I keep trying to get close enough to grab him and I cant. Its so heartbreaking. What do I do? Im at a loss as what to do or how to get thru this.
Rebecca, thanks for responding. I know depression is an absolute assault on ones mind. I knew he was depressed and hed made a suicide threat that hed shoot himself, so, last october I got a court order for him to be committed and observed for what should have been 72 hours.....
The doctor let him out after only an hour and a half.
exactly 100 days later...........he was dead
I have a hard time dealing with the reality of what his final moments must have been like. The hour before he shot himself, he recorded messages for my parents and emailed them. i still cant bare to listen to them. We had a private viewing of him and as difficult as that was to see him lie there, never to breathe again, i noticed he had what appeared to be tear stains on his cheeks. He shot himself in the forehead and obviously had to have fallen to the ground. the tears appeared to be as if he cried AFTER he shot himself. as if he was lying on the ground, in pain and dying, he cried and the tears ran toward his ears. THAT is so difficult for me to think what he had to have been feeling, realizing he must have lived a short time after and actually cried. its been so devastaing and life altering. i cannot help but think of the utter desperation he had to have felt to actually do it.
how do i move past THAT?
Rebecca, thanks for responding. I know depression is an absolute assault on ones mind. I knew he was depressed and hed made a suicide threat that hed shoot himself, so, last october I got a court order for him to be committed and observed for what should have been 72 hours.....
The doctor let him out after only an hour and a half.
exactly 100 days later...........he was dead
I have a hard time dealing with the reality of what his final moments must have been like. The hour before he shot himself, he recorded messages for my parents and emailed them. i still cant bare to listen to them. We had a private viewing of him and as difficult as that was to see him lie there, never to breathe again, i noticed he had what appeared to be tear stains on his cheeks. He shot himself in the forehead and obviously had to have fallen to the ground. the tears appeared to be as if he cried AFTER he shot himself. as if he was lying on the ground, in pain and dying, he cried and the tears ran toward his ears. THAT is so difficult for me to think what he had to have been feeling, realizing he must have lived a short time after and actually cried. its been so devastaing and life altering. i cannot help but think of the utter desperation he had to have felt to actually do it.
how do i move past THAT?
Hi C Ross, Sorry but I just read your post and had to respond. I urge you to think about this for a moment. How would your brother fell if he knew you were living in sorrow going over and over his last moments as if you were responsible for them and hating yourself or worrying for him? How would you feel if the roles reversed and you had passed on, for whatever reason, and could look down and see how everyone was reacting. And your family was suffering. How would that make you feel and how would you help them heal? You must know your brother is not suffering. He did not suffer in his passing. He was released from a body and mind that were not able to cope with this place. But his soul exists and is with you. So please, please, stop, breath, he is ok. You will be ok. It will take time, but you can't change what is in the past. You can only move forward. His path was his own just as yours is your own. And you are no more responsible for him as he was for you. He made his choices based on who he was and what he had to work with. You do too. And he wants you to see the good things in the world and one day remember him with a smile and not tears. There is a story about a man who's small daughter died. He was living in his grief and cried endlessly. One night he had a dream and he saw a long procession of children with wings holding candles and singing with smiles in their faces. He walked among them until he came to a little girl who's candle would not stay lit. And she was not smiling. She looked up at him and he realized it was his own daughter. She said "daddy, please stop crying because your tears are putting out my candle". He woke up and wrote a book about it and has never looked back. I share this with you because you have to see...maybe your brother wants you to see, that its up to you, to live your life and not worry for his. He will see you again. When it's time, but until then he wants you to live. Live. And you will. Be kind to yourself. Let it be. Breathe, sleep, write, cry, listen to music, hug your child, pet your dog, take a long walk...it will get better and he will be with you every step of the way. Peace. Effie
C Ross said:Rebecca, thanks for responding. I know depression is an absolute assault on ones mind. I knew he was depressed and hed made a suicide threat that hed shoot himself, so, last october I got a court order for him to be committed and observed for what should have been 72 hours.....
The doctor let him out after only an hour and a half.
exactly 100 days later...........he was dead
I have a hard time dealing with the reality of what his final moments must have been like. The hour before he shot himself, he recorded messages for my parents and emailed them. i still cant bare to listen to them. We had a private viewing of him and as difficult as that was to see him lie there, never to breathe again, i noticed he had what appeared to be tear stains on his cheeks. He shot himself in the forehead and obviously had to have fallen to the ground. the tears appeared to be as if he cried AFTER he shot himself. as if he was lying on the ground, in pain and dying, he cried and the tears ran toward his ears. THAT is so difficult for me to think what he had to have been feeling, realizing he must have lived a short time after and actually cried. its been so devastaing and life altering. i cannot help but think of the utter desperation he had to have felt to actually do it.
how do i move past THAT?
thank YOU for that, truly thankyou.
Every day seems like an eternity swallowed in pain.........I cant imagine a life without him and yet here I am, the seconds go by like days and its like a reminder that its time Ill never spend with him again.
I hope your finding your grief a little easier to bare as the days go by.
thankyou for caring, even though Im a stranger...."meeting" in shared grief.
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