Grief support: Share your story and learn from others about coping with the loss of a sibling.

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When the nights seem so long and I find myself at the one safe place now that I have found to come "Legacy" . A place that has been one of surprise and comfort and actually reassuring that there is Love out there the Love that I was so blessed to have with my Sister . Often I we used to be told when we were out that others would tell us that they only wish they could have the relationship we had . We would not even have to say a word and others just knew we were Sister not so much that we looked alike or our gestures were very much the same it was something more . It was something that Love can be seen with out saying a word.  This we did not have to try at or was a struggle or even think about it was how we would wake up each and everyday .  Not to say that there were the occasional times that we would have a tussle of sorts only to find ourselves apologizing for what  we had said or had done . Usually it was me that had missed the boat on always being kind and loving for my Sister had this amazing ability to just be this way no matter what .  Sometimes I almost wanted her to get angry with me just so that I would get what I deserved .  Yet this never would happen . What would she would come to me and give me the wonderful loving hug or call me if we lived miles away . Or send a note with such loving words that would bring me to tears still thinking of them today . How was this that I as living with and Angel and had that Fortune . I know all may say this about their sibling and justifiably so , for are they not the blessing and the gift we are granted in life that we often miss or let go .  Though for me if I could have held her hours on end as we lay together in the hospital as she slipped away , days pasted and then time seemed to just stopped  and there was nothing more for me to say .  I come now to read all the heart ache all the siblings who are longing for their brother or sister who they so loved . Hearing the pain off the page as though it is the room beside me.    Wishing and wanting to bring comfort to all , yet I found on most days if not all I have yet accomplished the functioning level of life .  Sort of again am " missing the boat " .    If only to hope again and hold onto to something I believe then maybe the wisdom of what my Sister was teaching just by who she was , will become apart of me so that my heart and soul once again will be able to see . If not for all the Brothers and Sisters here a Legacy I may have know the way to this day , I thank you each for your kindness and may you know that thoughts of all of you my heart will keep.  

 

This pain is one that comes from the fibers of our soul from the Love we had for the the ones we had to let go .  This love is to stay in the heart of a million pieces no matter how long no matter how much pain it is there to stay always and forever .  

 

 

Please take care 

Im sorry for your loss I feel your pain. Im dealing with my older brothers passing. He passedo away on
December 6, 2010. It was also sudden we didnt expect it to happen but it did ando its the hardest thing to cope with. My heart aches so much because I miss him dearly but I know its life and these things happen an so we have to be strong. Praying and having family prayers together helps. I thought I was alone. But I have my family and my mother who I have to take care of. Be strong and god bless us and your family.

 Dear Rev torres , I am so sorry for the loss of your brother for you and your family .  How wonderful it is that you are able to come together an pray as when I read this it brought me to tears.   A gift that we are given to share time with the ones we love and granted in our live , yet even more that you paused in your day , so as not to forget that with out the one who created us all we would not have been blessed at all .

 

  I now find that Legacy and all that come to share has of sorts become a family one that I care and pray for each and every day .  A family that brings me comfort when not asked and when I did not think another one would be known . 

 As my Family truly was a gift from God and their love was to me ,  your comfort as all the others has become a part of me .  

 

Blessing to you and your family

( your brother was the blessed  to have you   )

 

   and

to all that come to share .

 

  

 Take care

my brother just passed too, he is 43 and took his own life too.  I ask the same questions, how do I get through this day.  I wake up every morning dreading to wake up and deal with another day without my Ralphie.  Depression is horrible because Its in the mind and I don't think that my brother and your brother had the ability to turn it off, depression isn't like alcohol/drugs that have to be bought to take, depression is in the mind always.  The torrment they lived in their minds is unexplainable. 
C Ross said:
My 32 year old baby brother shot himself 2 weeks ago. He suffered from depression. He left behind an 8 yr old son. How do you get thru the day when all you can do is think of conversations you had with him, wished youd had, all of the memories. How do I stop feeling like there must have been something else I could have done? I barely sleep and when I do Im dreaming of him in my dreams and I keep trying to get close enough to grab him and I cant. Its so heartbreaking. What do I do?  Im at a loss as what to do or how to get thru this.
Just a quick note because I have to run out but I had to respond.  I lost my only sibling and younger brother,  I just had to count in my mind because it's all a blur,  four years ago this April 28th.  He was 31.  He died in a car wreck so it was sudden.  He had been married for 9 months and had two sons ages 3 and 5 at the time.  Alex was my best friend.  He was my whole family.  His death left me broken and hollow and blank.  Full of rage and pain and a sadness I cannot even explain.  You have to walk the walk to understand,  as I am sure you are.  Right now I am watching The Hereafter.  And I got an email about your post.  I saw it as a sign my brother is with me now.  I have gone from that place of endless darkness to a place of life and light in the past four years.  Now I am dealing with the confusion of feeling like it's now "normal" for him to be gone.  Rather than here.  Which in itself is a whole facet of this experience I had no comprehension of until it was me.  I can tell you in no uncertain terms that your brother is at peace and he still IS.  He IS.  He is not dead,  as in dead as a doornail.  There is no such thing.  I KNOW that now.  My brother in some ways has taughtme more in his passing than in his life here.  He has shown me there is life after life.  And how precious this life is.  And that I must live.  I must. With passion and light and love in y heart.  And he will be there when It's my turn.  He will be the great reward.  I will be in his arms and he will say " I missed you sis".  But until then,  I have work to do.  I have embraced the experience and as I say to all that have been there too,  you cannot go around it or under it or over it,  you must go THROUGH it.  And there is another side.  I am here...I made it through the worst.  And trust me that is saying a lot.  Feel the pain,  do what you have to do, acknowledge that losing him torn your soul apart.  Because then,  you can start to put it back together and he will help you from the other side.  And just like he says in th emovie,  which if you haven't seen I suggest you do,  The Hereafter,  YOU ARE NEVER ALONE.  And you get through THIS day,  this moment,  by breathing.  Just breath.  I am with you in spirit.  It's going to be ok.  Effie

Rebecca, thanks for responding. I know depression is an absolute assault on ones mind. I knew he was depressed and hed made a suicide threat that hed shoot himself, so, last october I got a court order for him to be committed and observed for what should have been 72 hours.....

The doctor let him out after only an hour and a half.

exactly 100 days later...........he was dead

I have a hard time dealing with the reality of what his final moments must have been like. The hour before he shot himself, he recorded messages for my parents and emailed them. i still cant bare to listen to them. We had a private viewing of him and as difficult as that was to see him lie there, never to breathe again, i noticed he had what appeared to be tear stains on his cheeks. He shot himself in the forehead and obviously had to have fallen to the ground. the tears appeared to be as if he cried AFTER he shot himself. as if he was lying on the ground, in pain and dying, he cried and the tears ran toward his ears. THAT is so difficult for me to think what he had to have been feeling, realizing he must have lived a short time after and actually cried. its been so devastaing and life altering. i cannot help but think of the utter desperation he had to have felt to actually do it.

how do i move past THAT?

Hi C Ross,  Sorry but I just read your post and had to respond.  I urge you to think about this for a moment.  How would your brother fell if he knew you were living in sorrow going over and over his last moments as if you were responsible for them and hating yourself or worrying for him?  How would you feel if the roles reversed and you had passed on,  for whatever reason,  and could look down and see how everyone was reacting. And your family was suffering.  How would that make you feel and how would you help them heal?  You must know your brother is not suffering.  He did not suffer in his passing.  He was released from a body and mind that were not able to cope with this place.  But his soul exists and is with you.  So please,  please,  stop,  breath,  he is ok.  You will be ok. It will take time,  but you can't change what is in the past.  You can only move forward.  His path was his own just as yours is your own.  And you are no more responsible for him as he was for you.  He made his choices based on who he was and what he had to work with.  You do too.  And he wants you to see the good things in the world and one day remember him with a smile and not tears.  There is a story about a man who's small daughter died.  He was living in his grief and cried endlessly.  One night he had a dream and he saw a long procession of children with wings holding candles and singing with smiles in their faces.  He walked among them until he came to a little girl who's candle would not stay lit.  And she was not smiling.  She looked up at him and he realized it was his own daughter.  She said "daddy, please stop crying because your tears are putting out my candle".  He woke up and wrote a book about it and has never looked back.  I share this with you because you have to see...maybe your brother wants you to see,  that its up to you,  to live your life and not worry for his.  He will see you again.  When it's time,  but until then he wants you to live.  Live.  And you will.  Be kind to yourself.  Let it be.  Breathe,  sleep,  write,  cry,  listen to music,  hug your child,  pet your dog, take a long walk...it will get better and he will be with you every step of the way.  Peace.  Effie

C Ross said:

Rebecca, thanks for responding. I know depression is an absolute assault on ones mind. I knew he was depressed and hed made a suicide threat that hed shoot himself, so, last october I got a court order for him to be committed and observed for what should have been 72 hours.....

The doctor let him out after only an hour and a half.

exactly 100 days later...........he was dead

I have a hard time dealing with the reality of what his final moments must have been like. The hour before he shot himself, he recorded messages for my parents and emailed them. i still cant bare to listen to them. We had a private viewing of him and as difficult as that was to see him lie there, never to breathe again, i noticed he had what appeared to be tear stains on his cheeks. He shot himself in the forehead and obviously had to have fallen to the ground. the tears appeared to be as if he cried AFTER he shot himself. as if he was lying on the ground, in pain and dying, he cried and the tears ran toward his ears. THAT is so difficult for me to think what he had to have been feeling, realizing he must have lived a short time after and actually cried. its been so devastaing and life altering. i cannot help but think of the utter desperation he had to have felt to actually do it.

how do i move past THAT?

thankyou Effie, I do completely understand what your saying. It makes complete rational logical sense. I just cant help getting past it. Im doing everything I can...........spend time with my 3 sons and husband, my mother and grandmother and friends.........i take walks, listen to music, read, even on the subject and on grieving, i have alot of distractions, but, my mind just wont let me get "there" to turn it off. I eat, sleep, and even dream about it everyday. I can hardly sleep, its only been 33 days..........i just cant seem to get "back to normal".............it seems so hard for me "act as if" nothing has happened. I still catch myself and remind myself that it did indeed really happen.............he IS gone...........i guess itll take minute by minute, day by day...........i know he wouldnt want me to be hurting like this, i just cant seem to find a way to stop.

Effie said:
Hi C Ross,  Sorry but I just read your post and had to respond.  I urge you to think about this for a moment.  How would your brother fell if he knew you were living in sorrow going over and over his last moments as if you were responsible for them and hating yourself or worrying for him?  How would you feel if the roles reversed and you had passed on,  for whatever reason,  and could look down and see how everyone was reacting. And your family was suffering.  How would that make you feel and how would you help them heal?  You must know your brother is not suffering.  He did not suffer in his passing.  He was released from a body and mind that were not able to cope with this place.  But his soul exists and is with you.  So please,  please,  stop,  breath,  he is ok.  You will be ok. It will take time,  but you can't change what is in the past.  You can only move forward.  His path was his own just as yours is your own.  And you are no more responsible for him as he was for you.  He made his choices based on who he was and what he had to work with.  You do too.  And he wants you to see the good things in the world and one day remember him with a smile and not tears.  There is a story about a man who's small daughter died.  He was living in his grief and cried endlessly.  One night he had a dream and he saw a long procession of children with wings holding candles and singing with smiles in their faces.  He walked among them until he came to a little girl who's candle would not stay lit.  And she was not smiling.  She looked up at him and he realized it was his own daughter.  She said "daddy, please stop crying because your tears are putting out my candle".  He woke up and wrote a book about it and has never looked back.  I share this with you because you have to see...maybe your brother wants you to see,  that its up to you,  to live your life and not worry for his.  He will see you again.  When it's time,  but until then he wants you to live.  Live.  And you will.  Be kind to yourself.  Let it be.  Breathe,  sleep,  write,  cry,  listen to music,  hug your child,  pet your dog, take a long walk...it will get better and he will be with you every step of the way.  Peace.  Effie

C Ross said:

Rebecca, thanks for responding. I know depression is an absolute assault on ones mind. I knew he was depressed and hed made a suicide threat that hed shoot himself, so, last october I got a court order for him to be committed and observed for what should have been 72 hours.....

The doctor let him out after only an hour and a half.

exactly 100 days later...........he was dead

I have a hard time dealing with the reality of what his final moments must have been like. The hour before he shot himself, he recorded messages for my parents and emailed them. i still cant bare to listen to them. We had a private viewing of him and as difficult as that was to see him lie there, never to breathe again, i noticed he had what appeared to be tear stains on his cheeks. He shot himself in the forehead and obviously had to have fallen to the ground. the tears appeared to be as if he cried AFTER he shot himself. as if he was lying on the ground, in pain and dying, he cried and the tears ran toward his ears. THAT is so difficult for me to think what he had to have been feeling, realizing he must have lived a short time after and actually cried. its been so devastaing and life altering. i cannot help but think of the utter desperation he had to have felt to actually do it.

how do i move past THAT?

The beauty is you don't have to act as if it didn't happen.  You don't have to get over it.  You won't get over it as it simply becomes part of who you are.  When Alex died it was made SO painfully clear how much of me was him and vv.  After he died I wasn't me any more.  I am someone else now.  It takes time,  and in that time,  you will suffer.  No bones about it.  Your brother though,  will help you.  He will.  he will find ways to let you know he's ok.  Look for signs.  And you will see them.  I saw a psychic,  two actually,  in the last few years,  who right away described him in detail.  They told me things that there is no way they could have known.  Alex and I were thisclose.  He was 8 years younger than me so I kind of raised him too.  I felt SO much guilt for a long time that as his protector,  his big sis,  I was not there to hold his hand,  to tell him how loved he was,  to be with him when he left here.  He died 400 miles from home and I have yet to go to where it happened.  After he died his widow who was 26 atthe time took their kids and moved back to her home town another 400 miles away.  So it was like loosing an entire family overnight.  And he was my olnly sibling.  Now I am one.  I cannot tell you,  even now,  right now,  I am crying,  it hurts.  The hurst never goes away but I am able to handle it now.  I am able to put it where it belongs and not let it take over.  BUT,  it took time.  I am here to tell you it DOES get easier to LIVE without them here physically.  It is a process and there is not time stamp on it.  I didn't mean to imply that you have to ignore your feelings or get over it...whatever that means.  No way.  I would never say or expect that.  I have been there,  I am there.  What I mean to say is that it's ok to be sad.  It's ok to be distraught and don't listen to people in a six months or a year or even two years,  who tell you to "move on".  There is no moving on...only forward.  And you will be sad for a while,  and that sadness will live in you.  But the gladness at what you do have,  the reality that life TRULY goes on,  kicks in at some point,  whenyou are ready,  and you will start to think about it less.  Until a whole day goes by and you think,  Wow,  I didn't cry today.  Or you will have a memory that will cause you to laugh out loud.  And then there are two days,  a week,  a month...People accept without querstion the pain a parent feels when they loose a child.  But people don't understand,  unless it's happened to them,  how hard it is to loose your sibling.  Alex was suppoed to bury me.  He was supposed to be there when I needed him.  Now,  I will probably be the one to bury my entire family,  my parents are still alive.  Which is like doing a 360.  Whole new reality,  whole new me.  And it takes time.  Time.  AND allowing yourself to heal in your own way.  My brother was such a good man.  He was a farmer.  He lead a simple life.  Loved his dog.  Loved his boys and was a great dad and husband.  He truly was the best brother I could have hoped for.  Now instead of that thought making me sad,  it makes me grateful for the time we DID have.  t will turn around for you.  Until then just lean on those who really get it.  That is what I did.  I had to go through it alone except for the people here.  One even became my friend on facebook.  If you have a fb account I can email you my info.  I rec possibly seeing a sensitive,  who can possibly contact your brother on the other side so he can reassure you himself.  And read books on death and dying.  And of course the afterlife.  I am agnostic,  I believe in something bigger,  greater,  more complex yet so simple,  love really, energy never dies...Alex shows me all the time what's beyond.  His death helped me see through the veil between two worlds.  It is much thinner than people think.  Now I feel good about the fact that when my parents pass on they will all be together again.  And I no longer fear death.  I feel a peace,   now four years later,  I NEVER thought I would feel.  And you WILL get there.  I promise.  I promise.  I feel strongly my brother has encouraged me from beyond,  to help those who come after me,  heal.  Life is a precious gift.  Sometimes the dead help us see that.  If you are feeling totally lost and have no where to turn,  write it down here.  Reach out and there will be a hand there.  That is why we are here on this planet.  To love each other.  Two thoughts before I go,  After he died I took pictures of my brother in his casket.  I also had video of him at his wedding on my computer.  Both my cell phone and my computer died,  hard drives erased!  And I never could look at those vids or pics again.  Now I know why.  He wanted to spare me the dwelling,  because he knows me,  and he knew I would obsess and watch them over and over and cry and cry.  Part of me is pissed too lol but I get it and I thank him.  Also,  I have only had two dreams about him since he died which is weird because I am a dreamer and usually have really vivid relevant dreams.  In the second dream he came to me and told me yes there is an afterlife and there is plalce there,  he showed it to me,  that looked like a stadium with a dome roof.  He said this is where we go to make more love when there isn't enough to go around.  Like a love factory.  It was SO random and so far from anything my mind would have constructed on it's own I KNEW it was a message from him.  I just want you to know there is a light. And you will find your way through the darkness and to not fear the darkness.  Without it there would be no light.  And your brother is not only whole and happy now,  he is with you every step of the way and he will not leave you until you are ready.  When you are ready he will move on...and so will you.  Until that day you are with him again.  As a mom myself I know how hard it is to think "i wish I was with my brother..." because my kids need me,  my parents,  husband and friends,  but I have thought it, I will not lie.  And that's ok.  We are human after all.  MUCH love and light to you!!  I am here for you always.  I hate this club and dont want to belong but I do.  So be it.  I have things to do in this life...onward :-)
thankyou for that..........truly, that was really helpful and Ive been rereading these lovely words of yours for the past few days, I have gratefully found comfort in them
i am guessing your loss is a new one.  you sound like me two years ago.  there was no relief, no peace, no joy, no nothing but pain.  today things are some better but as i am sure you know and we all know so well, nothing will ever be the same.  but time does bring some healing and peace where there is at least the ability to function.  but never minimize what others can do for you.  my friends and my online friends on legacy helped me so much.  lean on all who love you and especially all who truly truly know what you are experiencing and feeling.  there will be some who just will not or cannot get it.  they will expect things of you that are not possible right now and maybe not for a long time to come.  pity them.  they know so little but unfortunately, they will learn this in a very very hard way.  i do not wish it on them or anyone ever.  rely on legacy and you will get some good advice, hopefully some peace.  hope things will improve for you.   i truly do know how you feel and i promise it will get better in time.  peace to you, sandy davis

C Ross said:

thank YOU for that, truly thankyou.

 

Every day seems like an eternity swallowed in pain.........I cant imagine a life without him and yet here I am, the seconds go by like days and its like a reminder that its time Ill never spend with him again.

 

I hope your finding your grief a little easier to bare as the days go by.

thankyou for caring, even though Im a stranger...."meeting" in shared grief.

my name is sheila; my baby brother was found by my nephew they both lived at the same motel. july 24th my brother died only 42 years old.i got the phone call to go to the hospital right away my sister and i went we had to identifiy him. i have been having nightmares ever since. i am greiving harder then any other family member.the reason for that is beacuse i lost my husband on july 11th he died in mexico . he got deported back and i was without him for a year.i cant handle losing 2 special people i loved very much. i cant handle this at all i cry day and nite i dream of them both all the time. i am a very depressed person i have been this way for over 20 years. some times i am always saying i wish i can be with them all the time. i lost my mom 3 years ago also. i feel i cant live without them. i do not know what to do anymore. please i need some advise as soon a possible. thank you

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