I lost my brother 2 1/2 years ago to suicide, he was only 24. We believed everything he told us too, and learned after his death it was all a lie. Not a day goes by I don't think about what happened that day. I miss him very much because we were so close. He was my only sibling. I am now an only child which is very hard for me to deal with. I still have so many questions that will never be answered, yet I cannot accept that. In some ways it still does not seem real. I think I will see him when I go to my parents house, or that when the phone rings it will be him calling me. He was a fireman and a hero to a lot of kids and cannot figure out why he would do this to all of us. If he would have just talked to one of us, we would have helped him get through whatever he was going through. I still get upset sometimes when I talk about him because I just don't understand. I did not cry until the day of the funeral because I had so much to do and to be strong for my parents. The hardest part for me was months after he died, when it started to sink in a little bit. Like I said, sometimes it still just does not seem real though. He adored his nephew, who was only 6 months old at the time, and now I am going to have to try to explain to him who his uncle was. I do not look forward to this, but he needs to know what a good person he was and how much he loved him. I hope this helps some of you, as I related to a lot of your stories as I read them.
Well, I don't know if anyone will really read this, but I hope someone else can help me because I can't seem to help myself. I am normally such an independent person. I live with my fiance, we have a dog, and I don't have any real responsibilities other than bills. Well, my 16 year old brother helped us move into our new house on May 24th, 2008. He was so helpful and he just met my fiance and he really liked him. On May 27th, we celebrated his 17th birthday. (I am 30 - the oldest of 5). He was the baby of the family. On May 31st - he was hit by a truck and killed instantly after he had been missing for a day (hanging out with people he thought were his friends). Justin was VERY OVERLY trusting and the details of this are ridiculous. What is more ridiculous is that no one is in jail for what happened to him. Anyway, he was in too bad of shape for any of us to see him in the hospital and it was a closed casket for the same reason. I cried at the hospital when his identity was confirmed. I cried for 5 minutes the next day at my mom's house. I cried for 2 minutes at the funeral. ANd now....the next time I cried was tonight....over 6 months later. I can't sleep. I am always cranky. I never ever talk about him except for the occassional fleeting second. I have no one to talk to. I am sort of the family "black sheep" so I'm not comfortable talking with anyone. Somehow, my mom and I no longer speak to each other. My other sister can't sleep. I don't know what to do to make this all better. I don't have "TIME" because my life, emotionally, and family-like, is falling apart. I used to change his diapers and get up with him when he was 3 or 4 months old for middle of the night feedings. I baby-sat him uncountable times when mom was working night-jobs. I am acting so weird. Now I have this insane, unexplanable desire to have a child - only It isn't physically possible without expensive drugs....so its sort of this empty desire. I always had it....but it has multiplied by like 1000 times since my brother passed. Like - I am in some sort of hurry suddenly. I have all this stuff going on. I don't know how to handle it. No one even knows I am thinking all of this stuff. I am driving myself crazy. My poor fiance has to deal with all my crazy mood swings - thank goodness he is above and beyond in the sweet department. Does anyone have any suggestions for me? Because I am out of ideas. I would appreciate any input.