Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by sandy davis on March 21, 2011 at 9:28pm

sheila,  i cannot even imagine your pain.   you truly have had way more than a person should have in such a short period of time.  i will just tell you that when my brother died and two months later my husband of 38 years deserted me and i got practically no understanding or support from my two grown sons, i was not in a great place either.  but i also must tell you i truly found some strength in God.  i had not been a particularly religious person but i always heard the pastor say when you have reached the absolute absolute bottom and you cry out to God, he will be there for  you and bring you through it.  it still was not easy and some days are still not easy but i know now i am going to be ok.  will every day be perfect, no, not at all.  but i am seriously turning my life around.    there is a book entitiled, "when everything changes, change everything".   i read that book and picked up some good pointers.  just whatever you do, do something, but never never give up.  go to grief therapy, read books, take advantage of this wonderful group here on legacy.  just please, don't give up.  your loved ones would not want you to surrender.  i don't want to come across as preachy but church is just a great place to start and you might be surprised what can happen to you and for you.  i will be hoping you find some solace and peace.  communicate with us often, there are so many wise and experienced people in this group who can probably help you way more than i ever could.  peace to you.  sandy davis
sheila miller said:

my name is sheila; my baby brother was found by my nephew they both lived at the same motel. july 24th my brother died only 42 years old.i got the phone call to go to the hospital right away my sister and i went we had to identifiy him. i have been having nightmares ever since. i am greiving harder then any other family member.the reason for that is beacuse i lost my husband on july 11th he died in mexico . he got deported back and i was without him for a year.i cant handle losing 2 special people i loved very much. i cant handle this at all i cry day and nite i dream of them both all the time. i am a very depressed person i have been this way for over 20 years. some times i am always saying i wish i can be with them all the time. i lost my mom 3 years ago also. i feel i cant live without them. i do not know what to do anymore. please i need some advise as soon a possible. thank you

Permalink Reply by Rebecca Morales on March 22, 2011 at 12:43pm

Hi Sheila, your pain and continued pain is so great I am so very sorry. I just lost my 43 year old brother to suicide on Jan 31, 2011, and its extremly hard to get through the days and nights. The only way to describe it, is that each day I feel that I am walking neck deep through thick mudd. I am the one in my family that is grieving the hardest, becaue me and my brother Ralphie were always close, and I can't seem to accept the fact that I didn't help him. I knew he had a suicide attempt in Nov, but I truly believed that he would pull himself out of it, just like he did all through his life. The depression was too great for him, the pain he lived in must have been a tororeous daily nightmare for him. I miss him deeply and cry every day too. So far, I have been seeing a therapist and attending suicide suvivor groups along with a multitude of reading. I can't say that it helps yet, but the hope that over time it will. We are all together on this subject, so when you cry so do I. Feel free to write me anytime.
Rebecca.

Permalink Reply by River of Tears on March 24, 2011 at 4:14am

Dear Rebecca, 

  Hello,  I am so very sorry the loss of your brother .     Your words of kindness and care for Sheila were nothing but those of one of generosity of heart and understanding .   Even in all you pain and anguish that you must going through too .

  I too am struggling with the loss of my Sister , Mother and Father  , often have wondered if as with your Brother is it very much like a illness you may see them going through and just so wish you could do something to save them or get the help they need .. Which was at times one of the most troubling and frustrating things for me to watch it almost happen right in front of me, yet not be able to do anything about it .   Not even when I did , my words were silenced by others which now I live without my Sister .

 

I often wonder if it is depression that I am going through or if it is something that can not even be diagnosis for it feels like I am in the depth of " Hades"    Maybe it is the guilt that brings me to believe this is where I belong or the words of someone that came to me a few days after her death that told me thats were she and I were going as everyone else which was not the most comforting words to hear at the time ..  Yet maybe,  he as right ...  Though he did not know my Sister at all .. She was the beautiful and loving person that gave all herself to all around her .  As she is in heaven so is your Brother as all who pass . 

 Yet for me I  believe I have purchased my ticket for the southern view  in how I may have not done enough for them .

Maybe it is that all Angels go back to heaven when they are needed .  For reasons we will never know .

Yet this will never take this horrible pain away .

When I look to the clouds imaging though or the million of stars above I wonder if this is where they all may be .   Some where above finally at peace .   

They did leave one a special gift at least for me which was all the time they shared with me and all the love and joy .      A purpose that maybe each have to teach or give to this world , I am not sure I am still searching for mine for I thought it to be a daughter and a sister yet now I am lost . 

 

Angels above are our loved ones for now their love will stay in our hearts forever .

Never to be taken , never to be ill , never to struggle again .    This love is there to stay .

 

Thank you for you kind and generous words that reached out to even one more .  

Take care

 

Blessing to everyone . 

 

 

Rebecca Morales said:

Hi Sheila, your pain and continued pain is so great I am so very sorry. I just lost my 43 year old brother to suicide on Jan 31, 2011, and its extremely hard to get through the days and nights. The only way to describe it, is that each day I feel that I am walking neck deep through thick mudd. I am the one in my family that is grieving the hardest, because me and my brother Ralphie were always close, and I can't seem to accept the fact that I didn't help him. I knew he had a suicide attempt in Nov, but I truly believed that he would pull himself out of it, just like he did all through his life. The depression was too great for him, the pain he lived in must have been a tororeous daily nightmare for him. I miss him deeply and cry every day too. So far, I have been seeing a therapist and attending suicide suvivor groups along with a multitude of reading. I can't say that it helps yet, but the hope that over time it will. We are all together on this subject, so when you cry so do I. Feel free to write me anytime.
Rebecca.

Permalink Reply by River of Tears on March 28, 2011 at 5:43am

I am not sure if what I am to share is a message or one in that same of the passing of my sister .
Sleeping is not something I often do these days, let alone dream , since the passing of my sister who happened just after my mother and father . Yet this night was one I wished I never woke up from . She was there , healthy as could be , spending time with me as we used to do . out and about . What is the mystery is and I am not sure is if this is a sign or a message from her . To tell you she was my best friend would be an understatement, for she was always there . Probably by my crib helping my mother when I was first born . She 2 years older then I , seemed to have this wisdom about her even at a very young age. Maybe it was that she had this heart that she gave to everyone , a heart that never stopped . Gave everything she had , not matter what even if it was her last dime . Even when she may need so much for herself . Something in later years she and I would talk about because I was so worried that what she was giving away was something she could use for herself . Yet with her kind smile she would always say if I have it to give , it is theres. Though at times I am not sure if all knew or appreciated what she was doing taking all they could . To the point she did not have enough for even the care she needed for herself. This is where my guilt comes in . Why did I not do something to stop them or say something . Why could they not hear my Voice . Why was it that they needed something from her knowing that she did not have anything . This is where I truly believe she is an Angel that was here to teach us all more then to be just a sister or a friend . Lessons that many may have never learned or will ever see . Yet for me what she did in her life was one out of pure love . A love that was one that no one else could have ever given . One that I was so fortunate to receive and to have a chance to spend time with her .
I digress As you all may know I could go on and on about her for maybe as in life I lived each day and my heart was her .. Yet now with out her it all has stopped . So back to the dream . She went to get me something .,( which for us was the most difficult this to do )for tangible items were never things we never wanted or asked for from each other .. Just being with each other was a gift in itself . Yet this gift was one that makes me wonder . 8 beautiful candles , all wrapped for me to unfold to see.
is this a sign or is this just a dream I am not sure . Yet just to see her in my dream again , as to say I wish I never woke up again .
The candle was something I went out to get when out Father passed away , one we all could take our separate candles and bring the lite to it ,. As to say we would carry on our Fathers Lite that one he so brought to this world . A candle all could still light when ever they wished to , and when it melted down they would just light it to another so to carry on this light .
Yet why 8 candles .. there is not 8 in our family . unless she is with 8 of our family members now .?
I am not sure .. At least this dream is not as bad as what reality has been in the loss of the most important people in my life . The ones that did bring light to my days . My sister brought such joy no matter what she was going through .

I do wish I understood the candles of 8 or is it just the fact of the light that carries on .
I am not sure , I need to go and light the candles for them just to say thank you for all they did in my life . For being that light in the day . Now maybe my Sister has come to be as she used to be that light in the night so that all does not seem to be such a nightmare as it has been in these last months.

To all of you ., may the light of your loved one be carried on in you heart . The only place it will never be blown out or taken away . May this wonderful light stay now forever .

Take care .


I love my sister more then these words will ever be able to say .

Permalink Reply by Gary Payton on March 30, 2011 at 5:27am

    

Research shows that the death of a sibling has a profound impact on young ones. “Such a major loss adversely affects surviving children’s health, behavior, schoolwork, self-esteem, and development,” writes Dr. P. Gill White .....

Older youths are affected too. Karen, mentioned above, was 22 years old when Sheila, her younger sister, took her life. Nevertheless, at times her grief seemed unbearable. “I can’t claim that I suffered more than my parents,” she says, “but I think I was less able to deal with the suffering than they were.”

Have you, like Karen, lost a sibling in death? If so, you may feel as did the psalmist David, who wrote: “I have become disconcerted, I have bowed low to an extreme degree; all day long I have walked about sad.”

Permalink Reply by River of Tears on March 31, 2011 at 6:10am

Dear Gary Payton,

What you share is profound is what seems to happen when one does have to face life now with out a sibling . Which yes , I am trying to live . A word now that is not what is was before . Life and living , is not what it was nor I do not for see it to ever be again . Maybe yes I did have to many hopes and dreams as for my Mother and Father and Sister to be alive to this day . Yet for some reason . they all past away , separate yet close together . Why ? I am not sure ... Shattered heart could truly do it , Yet they all were facing struggles of illness , that sadly even the doctors were tempted by . Ones you just wanted to scream at time is to be a screamer to say why do you not know ? To be the one to tell them what may be the problem before they even considered it , was always the most difficult challenge for me to keep my composure and be one of respect for them all . As it was not about me that this was about it was for them . Though as many from the out side would think and say that it was . Which pains me to this day. All it was is that I knew , I knew because I spent time with them and shared what they were going through . Yet as found often life we do not have a voice even as said words may come out , and yet not a word is heard or listened to . Sadly this happens to often to so many especially when vulnerable and choice of treatments are being made and before you know it someone is opting for life and death . A decision made for someone that wanted to so live and have a chance yet someone and others decided for her . Yet I was interested to be the voice for her if she could not speak for herself . So to ask if to have lost a sibling , it is much more . I have failed her . For if my voice had been heard she would still be here. The expectations or hopes we all may have had of what will be done for us seems to get lost at the 11th hour as they did for her . To only find that I lay beside her the next few days begging god to hear me , to change this all so that she could live . It was to late Once treatment is stopped for some , life will slip through ones fingers like sand . If only to have scream that day to be heard then she would still be here with me .

As you see it was easier and a convenience for some that they never lived with but once to see her they thought it was . So to ask if I am sad or this is unbearable .. Yes I am

thank you Gary somehow what you share does touch into some of the parts of my soul . Profound and meaningful .Things that hit on what is attached to what lays inside

Take care to all

Let you voice be heard for it may be what your loved one wants and needs

Permalink Reply by Rebecca Morales on April 1, 2011 at 9:42am

I too am starting to suffer from guilt.  Although my brothr attempted suicide in early November 2010, he succeeded in Jan 2011.  My last conversation with him I sorta was a little harsh over the phone because we had agreed that I'd make his car payment in Jan but He wouldn't answer the phone all of Jan during the day so that we could call to make the payment.  I said like, why don't you answer the phone, I am try8ng to help you, but I can'thelp you if you don't answer the phone, what is going on?  you got to get it together.  pleawse come here or I will go to you and he said no, just wait till he visited.  I know he was in severe depression over the last 4 yrs, but he left to texas and I couldn't go out to see him because I work all week and take care of my grandkids on the weekends, but I endlessly told him I'd send for him.  he also had Parkinsons which took his job away and couldn't drive anymore, he resorte4d to alcohol to escape the pain of all the problems.  was it my harshness of trying to snap him out of it that triggered this successful suicide?  I wish I knew

Permalink Reply by River of Tears on April 2, 2011 at 5:05am

Dear Rebecca Morales,
My heart goes out to you for the loss of your brother and for the pain too that he must have been going through in his life . I am saddened when I hear others are feeling any guilt though here I am feeling the same . Yet when I see what other share I see so clear what you did in his life was just be there.
He had this pain that may never be explained or understood , one that he most likely was not sharing with many or at all . A pain that can make choices for some that direct them to do things that we may never understand , yet as loved ones or friends we wished we did so at least to have known .

Just to see that you called , and wanted to be there in anyway you could . Is touching to ones heart that is reading . Sometime illness's can be capable to how was is or makes chooses in ones life . So in this he may have had so many things that he was not even able to tell you .

It is sad though isnt is wishing and wanting to know or make things right that you feel you may or could have done better . This is something I will live with the rest of my life .
For if only to scream the words to the Doctors , that she wanted to live and not die as others were saying . To scream the words to the Doctor of my Mother she is going to die tonight if you do not do something . To scream the words that I knew my Father was going to die that night in his home and why . ?

Was it because I did not do something right or did so many things wrong or was it that I did not scream my words instead of saying to those I thought were listening . This I will never know .

Yet for you my dear friend , your brother is the only one that will be able to know explain to you how and why , though I am pretty sure he will turn to you someday and tell you Thank you for being by my side .

Take care


to all let your love and words be heard

Permalink Reply by Rebecca Morales on April 3, 2011 at 12:40am

Dear River of Tears,

 

First I want to thank you for taking the time out to reply, because I know you don't have to.  tWow, the guilt you live with is hard, I feel in your words and I am so sorry.  But I hear and read often that the closest loved one's are left with guilt, maybe this is normal.  I am seeing a therapist and a suicide survivor support group now, to try and find comfort, because I just can't find it here at home.  Have you considered that yet?  I just googled suicide survivor support groups in my area and found many. 

River of Tears said:

Dear Rebecca Morales,
My heart goes out to you for the loss of your brother and for the pain too that he must have been going through in his life . I am saddened when I hear others are feeling any guilt though here I am feeling the same . Yet when I see what other share I see so clear what you did in his life was just be there.
He had this pain that may never be explained or understood , one that he most likely was not sharing with many or at all . A pain that can make choices for some that direct them to do things that we may never understand , yet as loved ones or friends we wished we did so at least to have known .

Just to see that you called , and wanted to be there in anyway you could . Is touching to ones heart that is reading . Sometime illness's can be capable to how was is or makes chooses in ones life . So in this he may have had so many things that he was not even able to tell you .

It is sad though isnt is wishing and wanting to know or make things right that you feel you may or could have done better . This is something I will live with the rest of my life .
For if only to scream the words to the Doctors , that she wanted to live and not die as others were saying . To scream the words to the Doctor of my Mother she is going to die tonight if you do not do something . To scream the words that I knew my Father was going to die that night in his home and why . ?

Was it because I did not do something right or did so many things wrong or was it that I did not scream my words instead of saying to those I thought were listening . This I will never know .

Yet for you my dear friend , your brother is the only one that will be able to know explain to you how and why , though I am pretty sure he will turn to you someday and tell you Thank you for being by my side .

Take care


to all let your love and words be heard

Permalink Reply by Effie on April 3, 2011 at 7:23am

Well friends, it's been four years, four years, since I last saw my brother. Four years. Four years. I almost can't get past those two words. I was just lying in bed on my lap top my fiance next to me, on his. I started to cry, reading these other posts...and he didn't say a word. When I said "I'll go somewhere else then..." he did nothing, said nothing. So I am in the TV room. No one knows how to help. NO one knows how to just reach out a hand and say "It's ok to be sad". I don't need anyone ot fix me. There is really nothing anyone can say. It is what it is. But sometimes it's really reassuring to come here and know at least someone gets it. I went from being happy, to falling down this deep dark hole to where I was four years ago, in my garage, with my phone in one hand and a smoke in the other, screaming so loud...NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!. It was the WORST DAY. It still is. It's 4/28/07. My parents both have birthdays this month and now my brother's widow is due to have her new child on the 13th. SO a lot of life happening...and of course spring. I suppose there to remind me...BUT I MISS MY BABY Brother!!!I Want him here! I want to hug him and I want to be called sis again. he was my only sibling. I feel VERY ALONE in this world without him. I don't go there a lot...it's been four years and a lot has changed and I am doing really well...but this is a very hard time of year. And this was the first place I knew I could go for comfort. Thank you for that...Peace. Effie

Permalink Reply by River of Tears on April 4, 2011 at 6:14am

Dear Effie, Someone does care ... and it is ok to feel sad.

A beautifully written letter of the love you have deep inside of you .

Your love for your brother as many brought me to tears , the love never leaves us not matter how many years that will pass or days of pain .

We seem to be so fortunate to have had this blessing in life of a brother or sister. For myself a sister that I will miss for ever and will feel each day the pain ., As we both loved each other as sisters and freinds in life .

You will always have someone here even if just listen .. as for each and all

Brothers and Sisters are turly apart of who we are , how can we not feel what we do and have loved the way we had and still do . This for me is the only given in grief .

Please take care

Permalink Reply by Gary Payton on April 4, 2011 at 6:22am

     A friend of mine were  faced with the death of their beautiful three-and-a-half-month-old daughter from sudden infant death syndrome. Imagine their disbelief that this actually happened to them, i mean everything going good for them ...Job, family,caring, giving,loved life,believed in the things unseen..... 

Even though such a terrible tragedy occurred, it has drawn all of us closer together, and so many friends told them they wanted to help. Meals were prepared; they did cleaning, yard work, and tree trimming; generous contributions were given to help us cover expenses, and so forth. Please continue to let as many know as posible..

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