Dear Effie, Someone does care ... and it is ok to feel sad.
A beautifully written letter of the love you have deep inside of you .
Your love for your brother as many brought me to tears , the love never leaves us not matter how many years that will pass or days of pain .
We seem to be so fortunate to have had this blessing in life of a brother or sister. For myself a sister that I will miss for ever and will feel each day the pain ., As we both loved each other as sisters and freinds in life .
You will always have someone here even if just listen .. as for each and all
Brothers and Sisters are turly apart of who we are , how can we not feel what we do and have loved the way we had and still do . This for me is the only given in grief .
Please take care
It really helps me to hear other people's stories and how they feel the have coped with the loss of their brother or sister. My brother died 3 years ago in june when a tree fell on his car. He was 18 and i was 17. He is honestly my best friend, that one person you can always count on. He wasn't perfect but he was my brother, and in spite of our closeness in age he was also kind of my father figure. When he died, i felt lost. Completely hopeless. I am not an outwardly emotional person and i too was told that crying is bad. Two years later i thought i had dealt with his death and could handle it, but now i am feeling lost without him again. I just turned 20 and i am looking to move away and go to university and start my "adult" life. But i don't know what to do and i feel horrible moving on when he's not here.
It's just proof that the grieving process comes in waves and you can never, ever truly get over the loss of someone so close. Sometimes big changes in your life can stir up some repressed sadness and you have to deal all over again.
So here's to everyone who has lost a brother or sister and is trying to put their life back together.
If you can continue to look at life the way you do...and ride the waves until one day it's your time to reach the "shore", you will have a full and meaningful ride!! You are doing all the right things and I suspect you also did in life, as far as your sister was concerned. If you saw this all through her eyes, you'd not be so hard on your self today :-)
As I read your post I thought immediately of a show I watched yesterday in PBS called Independent Lens. This one was about Sheiks in Arizona who's extended family were the victims of racial violence after 9/11. He lost two of his brothers, who were taxi drivers, shoot senselessly and really took it's toll on this family. Towards the end, after the man who did it was convicted, the guy said he had a vivid dream and one of his brothers, his closest, came to him and told him "I am ok, I am happy where I am now. You need to enjoy your life and move forward..." And when he woke up he told his wife that is what they needed to do, and they are doing that. Then he said, "So it has become a part of my life, there is always going to be good and there will be bad. That is the nature of life. It is just another part of me, but not all of me.".
I don't want to sound like I am telling you how to feel or at what pace...Just offering this perspective I was given recently that may give you a future place to rest on your journey from here to there. It was interesting to see him go from deep grief and despair to a place of acceptance. I think it has something to do with allowing his brother(s) to have their own experience and not making it his experience. To accept that it was their path and their life, and he has his own and has to live it regardless. So he integrated the experience into his life, into his "self", and let it be. That is where I am kind of after 4 years.
I have also gotten the strong strong feeling that he still exists and he is with me sometimes. I feel like he has an effect on my life now, from the other side. I spoke to my sister in law, his widow, the other day and she feels the same way. He has a lot to do with where we are in our lives now. He has helped bring us to a much better place. Like he put us in the right places, put us in the path of the right people, showed us things we may not have otherwise seen, so we saw the choices and made the right ones. She said, "if someone had told me I would be happy, pregnant and engaged to a wonderful man, four years ago, I NEVER would have believed it!". And I feel the same way. I could not see this day from where I was 4 years ago, or even one year ago.
I felt guilty and part of me always will, that I was not there to hold his hand when he passed on. My brother Alex died alone in a field far from home. thrown from his truck. No one that loved him was there. He left this world alone. And ME, his big sister, his only sibling, was not there!! I was not there for him when he needed me most. BUT, HE reminds me, it wasn't about me. It was HIS passing, and if I was meant to be a part of that, if any of us were, we would have been. I know if you said these things to your sister, how guilty you feel, she would say "Are you kidding? This wasn't your decision and you are not me." She would hug you and tell you to go out and live while you can. She is free and happy and at peace now and she wants the same for you.
And you, just like the man in the episode of Independent Lens, will come to a place where it becomes a part of who you are but not all of who you are. It will not define you. You, will define you. It just takes time, to figure out who you are and how to be, without her here in person. It doesn't mean you have to figure out how to be here without her at all. She is here. She watches over you. She will be here for you until you are ready for her to move on. She has things to do there. And you have things to do here. But she is never far away and you are never alone. And in the blink of a universal eye, she will be there when you come to the shore. It's over so fast, for all of us. Value being here as much as she values being there. Talk to her about it and she will answer you. Always look for signs. They are everywhere.
Actually, go to this site...http://www.signsfromourlovedones.com/.
I was wondering if others have felt or are feeling such a great deal of loss of " trust " now also. Maybe it is that my Sister and I were like two peas in a pod as they say where we could share anything good or bad in our lives since childhood without a fear that it would ever go beyond to anyone else. Always with understanding a listening ear , a time to have a voice in what ever was happening in ones life .
There is the added guilt I have that I did not hold up my trust in what I had promised her as so often written before . I must be in one of those deep waves of sort right now thinking allot of could , should haves , and darn what I did not do !!! To keep her here .
Yet nothing I think about now will ever bring her back .
I promised her .. this was a trust she had in me .. so why am I now thinking that there is no trust in life . Maybe I know that I failed terribly
I have spoken of having a voice before in what ever it may be , if it here to share what ever pain or sorrow . Or even as many do not believe or have in life a voice that is heard , I do not feel hers was and when to speak for her neither was mine . Both speaking aloud of what she wanted in life . Yet why did no one hear us .?? Seems so familiar to how it was long before the final days when thought that we may not know better or do what was right . Yet did they know that it was her life to live as long as she wanted and not for others to choose when it was to end even if they did not want to see the struggle that felt it may be , they never were around to begin with . So why was their voice heard beyond ours. Or mine when it truly mattered . All I can say now is I will not ever trust myself to be there for another as promised to my sister as I so failed . I will do and try in all efforts to be there for anyone yet I know that I will not be able to fulfill what they may need or had asked me to promise them to do .
Maybe this is why there is not trust it starts with me . as I can not even trust myself in life to know who to be with how to respond or what to give anymore for the fear of failing.
Seems at times I must have this"duffus" stamp marked on my head as so many run to me and I so try and yet tell me so directly that I am failing or that I am not doing what I should be doing .
How do you know .. this wave must be a big one because it has really be taking me for a ride . How to say your sorry to you best friend you sister who so trusted you to do what she wanted or needed .
To leave this on a better note then in the deep of the ocean ,I always knew my Sister was and Angel , well she is back were she came from and now can be " safe from me " sorry .. I tried to leave it on a high note ... but it is really tough at times ... I miss her so much !!
Always and Forever to you in heaven .. I love you .
Maybe this is why I come here , when the waves get so high and difficult on days there is always a life jacket close by just in what I read ...
May today be a day of special memories of the love we all were so blessed with and still will have in our hearts.
A journey not easily traveled by anyone , not one any of us thought it would be . Even if to think about it one day if it to happen . If is far greater then even I thought it to be .
Yet to seek the memories of all the blessings the joy and love had . To know that I as given in my life time to have a wonderful sister as I had . She was to young by age to pass but who is to say . As I Feel old now just these last few months ,yet a life now with out her and my mother and father who all left at once is almost a shock to me who thinks herself brave and courageous if fighting or another or a cause . Yet this more what many see on the outside then really what is going on behind the smile . Yet to take any moment not to just think of all the good that I had , yes it brings many tears but you know it is better then what I had . That dark and deep lost feeling with out a direction or path . At least to look to the days of what I had with her and them at least I can say if that my life as better then it could have . Joy in just thinking of them all as they were all the grace of the day . As they seemed to be put on this earth for a purpose , one that many may have not know or even paid attention to . But for me it was more the obvious it was to teach that there is a love that truly has meaning more then just to say the word. It was what they did and said each and everyday for everyone that they saw . As they never stopped in helping another or opening the arms to whom ever was in need . This who they were . Love and laughter would fill the days as we would joke about yesterdays silly things we did or even looked like ( Something I never grew out of yet just an older version how lucky am I ) yet to laugh at that even was something we all could find pleasure in as what it was just being with each other for that moment in time . The time did come to and end , far sooner then I ever wanted yet to ask me they would never leave . Yet how do I know that there was a reason more then I they needed to go or that I am here alone , if to find this reason it would bring comfort only to know. that I did not let them down . But again as said this journey for all is not an easy one no matter the depth or darkness each face . What is the grace in all of this is that we all had a chance to be with those who were truly wonderful even if for awhile . At least to say this is what I can hold close to my heart as the days and nights are now the same . I was blessed in life to have my sister as my mother and father too .. All left for heaven at the same time was it for a reason or am I not to know this know only to find the wisdom in all this in time as my journey continues
May we all be able to hold wonderful memories of our loved ones close in those dark and deep pain days as maybe these are the gifts that left for us so that it would bring us ease . As they loved us then they will love us now as I know my love will be forever for my sister and my parents
My Sister was my Best Friend in life one you will never find again as a sister can never be replaced not a friend in life can be either . She was walked by myside since birth as now I walk alone . A world much different then ever known . Yet some how I feel her right by my side . As she and I always were before .
They say we can not choose are family well if we could I would have picked them any way as they were the only ones in life I would .. Must be a reason why we are familys and who we are blessed to have .