Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Lisa W on June 25, 2009 at 9:20am

I think a part of you dies when a sibling dies or loved one.

Hank said:

Does anyone else feel out there that they are half-dead themselves after losing a close sibling? I sure do.


Hank

Permalink Reply by Lisa W on June 25, 2009 at 9:30am

Well my brother died will be two years in Oct. and our relationship wasnt as close as it should have been we were different and he was stubborn and you couldn't tell him anything .
He caused a lot of stress in the family because of his actions .
I prayed about it and was feeling really stressed and didn't know what to do about the situation .
I left it in Gods hands and he collasped one day at a store and was rushed to the hospital I guess his heart stopped the autopsy said asthmas related death which we didn't know he had.
He was 40 years old. It really works on you when your loved one dies so young it is unreal and when the relationship isn't the best lots of guilt. It is very hard to deal with.
We don't get a do over in life to say one more thing ,do things different all we have is today .
It's good to talk to people who TRULY understand what your going through.
You feel bad for your parents ,siblings kids if they have them but your a mess inside and people just don't really get it

I'm here Lisa

Patty said:

I lost my oldest and only brother on May 31, 2009. His son and I found him dead in his car on my driveway. He was only 43, he had a stroke... the shock of seeing him dead, touching him.... I can not get that out of my head.... I miss him terribly..... I feel so empty inside. What makes this sooo much worse is that at the time I was mad at him I we had not spoken in 3 months..... the remourse I feel along with the guilt and the shame is unberable. My monther is 80 years old.... I know she has it the hardest.... I can not imagine what she is going thru losing a child has to be devatating.....
I have this great overwhelming sadness...I love you brother!!! I never told him that..... But I did/do LOVE MY BRTOHER!!!

Permalink Reply by Hank on June 25, 2009 at 10:02am

Lisa, i too have some regrets. Though my brother and I were very close, i was often angry at him for his drug use and my mom for her alcoholism (she is alive and sober and we have forgiven her and moved forward) and the strain they both put on us. I got my mother back, but my brother passed away at 36 in his sleep. I can never, other than through prayer, fix the relationship to the level i have with my mother. This saddens me deeply. Maybe i should have gotten past my anger and just told him more that i loved him, and that he was never alone in this battle. I regret my being short with him at times. I know he would hate that i was feeling bad, but i must be honest.

Hank

Permalink Reply by Lisa W on June 25, 2009 at 10:13am

Well my brother wouldn't want me to feel bad but you can't control your feeling .Sometimes your sad ,mad, feel guilty , feel cheated etc.
People dont understand even if you want to feel good sometimes you can't

Hank said:

Lisa, i too have some regrets. Though my brother and I were very close, i was often angry at him for his drug use and my mom for her alcoholism (she is alive and sober and we have forgiven her and moved forward) and the strain they both put on us. I got my mother back, but my brother passed away at 36 in his sleep. I can never, other than through prayer, fix the relationship to the level i have with my mother. This saddens me deeply. Maybe i should have gotten past my anger and just told him more that i loved him, and that he was never alone in this battle. I regret my being short with him at times. I know he would hate that i was feeling bad, but i must be honest.

Hank

Permalink Reply by Cassie on June 25, 2009 at 2:22pm

You will always be Tom's wife. He passed on, you did not leave the marriage. However, try to open your heart to another. You will fall in love when you have some "TIME" under you. Please try to "KEEP YOUR HEART OPEN"!! Tom would want you to move on. I will add that you need time to morn and time to cry. When you are ready, you will know. Only you will know. We can stay in the loss of a loved one fish bowl, or we can choose with time to move forward. I am moving forward. I lost my brother, not my husband. I think the loss of a spouse has to be different. The heart has to heal in a different way, just keep your heart open. A open heart will fill with a new love when it is time. I tear up less and less, but when I do, it is a stream of never ending tears. I still cry several times a week. I just ok'd the headstone, and once again I am in a unfamilair territory!! UNREAL does not describe what I have been through, and I have given up on trying to convey my thoughts on my loss. There aren't words to explain the night my brother died, or what it has left me to deal with. I just know, I will not live unhappy. My brother was a bucket of mess, but I loved him dearly. I miss him so much. I hurt, but I am healing as much as I can. I will never be over this loss completely, but I am figuring out how to live with it. I do it well somedays. Somedays I want to hurt a stranger thinking it will make me feel better. Then I think...how mean is that of me!!?? I hope you can heal, and I hope you can open your heart!! Tom would want you to do that. In a perfect world this would not happen, but as mad as I can get at GOD, I turn to him for comfort. That is what has saved me from myself with my pain and loss. best wishes...Tom has not left you. He is always right by you, you just can not see him. REMEMBER THAT!!!

sue said:

Cassie, you are wise. Your message is right on. I lost my husband to sudden death and it has been almost a year but I feel as you do. I have to be alive or I will die. I take care of me and try to be kind to me and allow others to do as they must. This is something I will never get over but I truly believe Tom is in heaven and he is happy. He will be there waiting when I cross over and I will be so happy to see him. I would take him back in a heartbeat but I would not ask him to come even if he could. I like to think of him fishing in this beautiful clear lake. He loved to fish. I love to smell his shirt that he had worn and hung up in the closet. He had turned up the cuffs. I just have to kiss anything of his I find, a picture, anything. It is so hard to be here where we lived and loved but I wouldn't have it any other way. I am slowly cleaning out things because you are right, things are not needed to remember and he and I were always good at blessing other people with things they needed and we didn't.
I just finished my last class for foster care and I think this will be a good move for me. It has been on my heart for years and now I can do it. I truly don't feel I will ever be in another relationship but if the Lord wants me there, he will make it so appealing that I will want to go but I just don't feel it. Maybe later down the road but who knows. I feel like I will always be Tom's wife. suep

Permalink Reply by sandy davis on June 25, 2009 at 11:02pm

i take some comfort that i am not losing my mind because i just can't keep it together at all times. i really don't understand how one day can be okay and the very next day can just be devastatingly sad. no days are great. i surely don't wish this kind of pain on anyone but it does help that others are willing to share their gut feelings. it has been five months since my brother had a massive heart attack while sitting in his tree stand hunting. i guess unless he suffered pain, it was a good way to go for him since he loved to hunt, but basically just to be in the woods among nature. he really didn't even want to shoot anything. he just loved being there. makes me want to go hunting, no shooting, just to share that with him since he is no longer here. i really do miss him and i know i always will. i do hope things will get better in the future. i especially pray for my mother because i can't even imagine her pain. sandy d.

Permalink Reply by Hank on June 26, 2009 at 9:19am

Sandy I agree

I am a little over 3 months in and i have barely OK days and bad days. It's horrible. The pain is so overbearing, but at times i feel its all i have left. Other times i know he's in peace..........to a place we are all heading anyways. It has to be better than this.

Hank

Permalink Reply by sandy davis on June 26, 2009 at 10:41pm

it is THE worst thing i have ever had to deal with. i don't even like to think how this must be for my mother. when i think of it, i am just overwhelmed with pity for her, worry for her, love and admiration that is nowhere near enough to make up for what she has suffered. what has been a blow to my family is the cruelty of my husband to leave me only two months after we buried my david. luckily for me, i was not shocked at all and not even too sorry to get out of an emotionally and verbally abusive situation but this is my first time to be alone and it probably wasn't the best time to have to learn how to be just by myself and dependent on no one. my sweet mom despite her grief has been very helpful to me when i should be helping her. but we are going to be okay. david would want us to be okay. he was a great son to my mom. he was really devoted to her. he had no children. he had been divorced for over twenty years and just never remarried. he sure was the coolest uncle to all of the kids. they loved him. he was interesting to them and very very entertaining. we are all so lost not having him with us. the world lost a wonderful guy that day. when michael jackson's death was announced all i could think of was his sisters and brothers and of course his mom missing him with a pain that is completely impossible to describe to anyone. at times i really think some people just think i should just get over it, as they say, get over it! what a joke. no way i will ever get over it. well, i definitely have rambled as i so often do but i really can't talk to anyone because i think everyone has just heard enough. but i sure do miss that big guy. this misery does not love company but it sure does love and appreciate all the understanding given by others who are traveling this same horrible horrible road.

Permalink Reply by Hank on July 2, 2009 at 11:54am

Well it has been 13 weeks for me. I realize now that there is no other way to cope than to accept a higher power and know that all of us will someday be in that peaceful bliss from which we came.


HPR

Permalink Reply by sue on July 4, 2009 at 8:16am

7-3-2009 Cassie, thank you for your wonderful response, I'm sorry I just now saw it. I do believe what you say and I think I do have an open heart just not to another man at this point. Who knows, God has plans for me, this I know for certain and I always want to be in his perfect will. It is his to decide and mine to just do. Thank you for your kind words. suep

Permalink Reply by Effie on July 8, 2009 at 7:58am

Wow, reading all of these posts made me cry. But in a healthy way. My only brother died in a car wreck two years ago in April. He was 31. He had a wife of 8 months and two sons ages 2 and 4 at the time. He had just gotten to that point in his life where things were coming together. He was finishing the house he had built in Saranac Lake NY and the organic farm he worked to create. He was on his way to a bee keepers conference when he ran a stop sign that was covered with underbrush. He crossed into the path of a mini van going over 50 mph. His Ford truck rolled and he was thrown and crushed. he lived a few minutes...long enough to wonder where his boys were. They were not with him and we are grateful for that gift. The woman that he hit suffered massive injuries and has since recovered but will always live with pain as she broke her neck. However, she refused to sue us or take any money as she knew what had happened to our family. We are grateful for that too. We are grateful he did not suffer or that he was not murdered or that at least he had the chance to have children and get married. As with many posters here I can relate to knowing that your sibling would have wanted you to live on with joy and passion. I think that every day. I miss my brother!!! I have no one to talk to now. Although I am the older sis he was 6 foot 3 inches to my 5'5. So he was my "big" brother. He was the only man who ever loved me unconditionally. He was my hero. His name was Alex. His nick name was Wolf as he loved wolves and went to Montana to study them for a time. He was the kid of person, who when he passed on, had nothing to answer for. What you saw was what you got. He had no secrets and told no lies. He was one of the best human being's I have ever known. So I also ask WHY????? Why him??? It still is hard for me to fully accept he is gone. All I can say at this point is I no longer fear death because when I die I will see him again. That is my greatest hope. I am also grateful I found this page. I have been searching for people like me. Unfortunately, here you all are. I am sorry for all of the pain and loss. But it seems we have all found something in the darkness...light. Peace to you ALL.

Permalink Reply by sue on July 8, 2009 at 7:37pm

Effie, what a beautiful letter. I lost a sister over 30 years ago and I still think of her often. I lost my husband 5/22/09 and my mom 4/15/07. They say death if part of life but when it happens it doesn't feel like it, does it? I remember when my beautiful sister died I was so broken up and then mom hurt and when I was just coming back my Tom died suddenly and that was just so horrible. I am feeling almost normal again but some days it still just seems so unreal. I miss him every day and he remains in my heart and mind as always my love. Take care of yourself and please come back. suep

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