Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by sue on July 8, 2009 at 7:39pm

I never get the edit to work. My husband passed 5/22/08 not 09. suep

Permalink Reply by Effie on July 9, 2009 at 7:17am

Thank you so much Sue. It's hard to imagine living without Alex for 30 years...but I want to have a long life and get to see his boys grow up and have children of their own. I am sorry for all of your loss. But you sound strong and grounded. I ask myself when my parents pass on who will be left? You must have to deal with that as well. I surround myself with close friends, who love me like family. I hope you have that kind of love around you. It was very kind of you to respond to my post the way you did. It really made a difference for me. Effie

sue said:

Effie, what a beautiful letter. I lost a sister over 30 years ago and I still think of her often. I lost my husband 5/22/09 and my mom 4/15/07. They say death if part of life but when it happens it doesn't feel like it, does it? I remember when my beautiful sister died I was so broken up and then mom hurt and when I was just coming back my Tom died suddenly and that was just so horrible. I am feeling almost normal again but some days it still just seems so unreal. I miss him every day and he remains in my heart and mind as always my love. Take care of yourself and please come back. suep

Permalink Reply by sue on July 9, 2009 at 12:02pm

Your welcome Effie, yes thank God I do have wonderful family, friends, church family and I am well loved and cared for. That is just such a blessing and that is how I can continue to go on and grow and learn and accept knowing I will see my Tom, mom and lyn again someday. Take care, suep

Permalink Reply by sandy davis on July 9, 2009 at 9:55pm

i signed up for daily emails from grief share and they have been so helpful to me. i really thought it just must be me, not being able to have any sense of control. but reading these daily emails i have discovered some of the unusual timings to my grief, out of the blue total devastation, is a normal thing. i am also interested in what the shock of a sudden loss of a younger sibling, with no warning whatsoever, can do to your body. i am having a hard time staying grounded. i worry so much about my mom because after she lost a child and i can't even imagine that. losing a brother has really knocked me for a loop. it has almost been six months and i still just cannot believe he is really gone. no more talking to him, no nothing. it has been the worst thing ever. i do have some wonderful friends and family helping me out but sometimes people just think you should just be okay after a few months. of course these are the people who haven't dealt with anything like this. my husband chose two months after my brother passed away to leave the marriage and that was a bit much while trying to deal with the loss of my younger brother. but i am determined to be alright. i guess that is one thing my heartless cruel husband did was to give me a determination to survive, and even thrive and believe me i am putting my all into it. but i still have my moments. never ever will i ever completely recover from the first six months of 2009. these six months have been burned in my brain as the worst time ever. i now have fears of who is the next person that i might lose. i worry so about my mom. she seems so vulnerable, emotionally and physically. my brother was a wonderful son to her and how she is handling this i will never know. but, we are going to be okay.

Permalink Reply by sue on July 10, 2009 at 8:43am

Sandy, I remember when my sis died I was so overwhelmed with grief. I got divorced right after that also. It seemed looking back that her death caused me to rethink my life and how I truly wanted to live it. The best thing that happened in my life and laid the ground work for my future which was much better. She was 38 and I was 31 at the time. She was murdered by her ex husband of 30 days. Shot once and then 3 more times as she lay on the floor dying. The experience racked my parents but they did survive and it brought my family even closer. We still talk about her today and she is still a part of our clan and I still count her in my sibling count. I still think of her at times and wonder who she would be today. I know she would be a gracious loving women just as she was a young women. She was such a peacemaker and this man couldn't stand to let her go even though he was mean to her as we later found out. She left 3 children. The youngest was his son. Her daughter and I are very close and that helps. I tell her daughter that she lost a mom and got 7 replacements since I have 7 sisters. My niece sometimes tells me that it makes her feel so good to be with me and that it feels like she gets a small visit with her own mom. We all look so much alike. Anyway just try to be there for your mom and if you can remember the funny things , that helped my mom to remember the joy my sis brought to everyone. Take care Suep

Permalink Reply by Effie on July 10, 2009 at 9:25am

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I am so sorry for your sense of everything being wrong. My younger brother and only sibling died two years ago in a car accident. One day he was there...the next he was gone. Never got to say goodbye or I love you. Never got to hug him one last time. It has been two years and it's like time flew by...and yet it stands still. To think of the years before me stretching out, without my brother there...seems almost impossible to comprehend. One good thing is it does get a little better, the pain. Six months after my brother's death my ex decided it was time for me to "get over it". He threatened to take my kids because I was still so "sad". People don't understand. Unless it happens to them. And I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I read a quote recently that helped me. It said, "You never get over it. You grow through it." It is a life long challenge. But it does get better with time. I am here if you ever need to talk. I feel your pain. I really do. You are not alone. Bless us, everyone.

sandy davis said:

i signed up for daily emails from grief share and they have been so helpful to me. i really thought it just must be me, not being able to have any sense of control. but reading these daily emails i have discovered some of the unusual timings to my grief, out of the blue total devastation, is a normal thing. i am also interested in what the shock of a sudden loss of a younger sibling, with no warning whatsoever, can do to your body. i am having a hard time staying grounded. i worry so much about my mom because after she lost a child and i can't even imagine that. losing a brother has really knocked me for a loop. it has almost been six months and i still just cannot believe he is really gone. no more talking to him, no nothing. it has been the worst thing ever. i do have some wonderful friends and family helping me out but sometimes people just think you should just be okay after a few months. of course these are the people who haven't dealt with anything like this. my husband chose two months after my brother passed away to leave the marriage and that was a bit much while trying to deal with the loss of my younger brother. but i am determined to be alright. i guess that is one thing my heartless cruel husband did was to give me a determination to survive, and even thrive and believe me i am putting my all into it. but i still have my moments. never ever will i ever completely recover from the first six months of 2009. these six months have been burned in my brain as the worst time ever. i now have fears of who is the next person that i might lose. i worry so about my mom. she seems so vulnerable, emotionally and physically. my brother was a wonderful son to her and how she is handling this i will never know. but, we are going to be okay.

Permalink Reply by sandy davis on July 10, 2009 at 11:26pm

sue and effie, both of your stories just made me suck all the air out of the room. both relating to husbands in their own individual way. my God, sue, i can't imagine dealing with a loss due to a murder. i know i would have such a bitterness and yes, a hatred for the lowlife murderer. i try to be good and understanding and forgiving, but that is just too much. and effie, i don't get these men. my husband and i had not been getting along all that great. if he had been there for me during this horrible time, i think it would have built a bridge that could have really changed things for us. but, he not only left, he said some horrible things about my brother actually at the cemetery. he said my brother was an atheist, which he is absolutely not. he suggested that my other brother might be dishonest in the handling of my deceased brother's estate. he hurt me just about every way he could. and i think he has a campaign to sway my children. i am going to use his actions to make me stronger and use this to do my breaking free of such a control freak. he has done something sooooo bad that it gives me the determination i thought i would never have. but in the midst of all of this, i have times when i am hit with such sadness and loss. it is like there have been two deaths. death of a family in my husband leaving and death of my wonderful precious brother. the former loss is really my gain but i hate it for my children. they are grown but no one likes to see their parents split. it is like my brothers death is so over shadowed by dad trying to regain his happiness by leaving mom. but, what timing, huh. but, i will come out of this stronger and a better person than he. i hold myself to a much higher standard than he apparently does for himself. i do know i will miss my brother until the day i die myself. i really pray for my mom right now. she surely didn't deserve to have to start worrying about me two months after burying david. people have such sad stories and yet, we rise up and deal. it is an inspiration to know others are coping although you would never ever wish this on anyone. but of course, there is no way to go through life without losing someone but i really think some circumstances are harder to deal with than others. an elderly person who may be ill and who has had a full happy life may be an easier loss to take. these sudden shocking unexpected deaths are just about too much to bear. i can't even begin to tell you all the physical, mental, and of course emotional hurtles i am striving to overcome. i am surely better than i was a few months ago but i have no delusions that i will ever be the exact same. but, maybe some parts of me will be better. thanks for listening and for your sharing of your stories. it really does help, more than you know.

Permalink Reply by sue on July 11, 2009 at 10:03am

Sandy, your mom and you could spend more time together now that the husband is out of the picture. That was your first family. He is selfish to leave now but what you said about this helping you to see this control freak for what he was. You may just find the happiness that has possibly been missing for you before. You are still a family with your children. Just don't take their pain on and stand proud because this is survival mode. Your children will be back because in their heart they know their dad is wrong but they just don't want to face the reality and mom is always the one that gets blamed. This may be the start of a "new life" for you and your brother will be right there cheering you on. I felt my sis was. I felt she was encouraging me to do something that she couldn't and she lost her life because of it. I realized the man I was married to was very much like the one that killed her. I wasn't happy but didn't want to "rock the boat" because of my children and family. I found out my kids were unhappy also later and they became great young people and we are still very close. At the time my daughter even left and went to live with my sister, she was very upset with me and didn't want to lose her country club statis. She was not happy inside. He was their step father anyway and they were always trying to measure up, or at least my teen daughter was. Their dad disappeared while they were very young. She always wanted a father so she just ignore a lot of things. Your kids will be happy when you are because mom is always the one to take the blame and the balance. Hang in there. suep

Permalink Reply by Nikki Giles on July 13, 2009 at 9:14am

I lost my hero/brother last december. I dont really know how to deal with it still. We all knew it was coming for along time...but it all happened sooo soon. When Troy was 2 he was diagnosed with Duchenne's Muscular Dystrophy. Over the years Troy had his ups and downs. He was walking for a long time, until he was about 13.... then was permantly put in a wheelchair. but he never let anything he had going on get him down. Right after troy was put in his chair he had to have a back surgery and was in the hospital for a number of weeks. When he was about 16 ( i was in 8th grade, and he's 2 yrs older than me) there was GOOD news.... or so we thought. We heard about this surgery that could save troy's life and allow him to walk again! Myoblast Transfer Therapy--- we were all sooo excited.. (there are 6 children in our blended family, plus his mom/step-dad and our parents)... only problem at first was the cost... more than 250,000 dollars. plus the FDA had not approved such surgery in the United States, so my parents and brothers were set to go to France to have it done. We did everything we could think of doing. We went to our local wal-mart and asked for donations, we ask for donations from some of the major companies my parents worked with, we held garage and rummage sells, car washes, put adds in the local papers, everything, to get the money to do this for Troy. We ended up with about 1/2 of what we needed to get the surgery done... then we got some horrible news... the Dr. in which was supposed to be doing the surgery, we discovered was a fraud. So we did not end up getting the surgery done. Fast foward 4 years. Troy's fine..he's made it past all the doctor's expectiations. He's now 20!!! and gets put in the hospital for something major for the 1st time! very scary. He's in ICU for over a month... it was heart breaking. one of my sisters and I decided we needed to bring his spirits up... so, we contacted Troy's Favorite football team (Dallas Cowboys, he was actually named after them...and they had granted him a Make-A-When he was 5), we had asked if there was any way that any of the players could make a trip to the hospital to see troy.. unforutantly they were unable to do that, but they did do something that did lift his spirits to the highest to where he got out of icu and go to go home. They sent him all kinds of goodies. an autographed Roy Williams football, cheerleaders poster, a cowboy's bear and sooo much more. It was amazing. Troy ended up getting out of the hospital and going home for about 6 months, went back into the hospital and back home. for 2 years he was in and out of the hospital. the last time he was in there, he told his mom that if he got sick again he did not want to go to the hospital, he wanted to go "home". So in Dec. my brother went "home". I remember getting the call. I had moved out of state and was at work when my dad called me i broke down. I couldnt drive home, my fiance had to come get me from work.. the next day i had to be at work all day and it was one of thehardest day of my life! My fiance and i came home for the funeral-- that was the hardest day of my life. our oldest sister gave a speech, and troy's little brother gave one as well. His mom did do something i had never seen at a funeral before though. We had a balloon release. Everyone there wrote on a piece of paper a memory, or a message to troy and at the cemetary we released over 50 silver and blue balloons (most of which had 3/4 messages on them) to the sky to reach troy.

Now the reason i cant grab a hold of all this is because i feel horrible. When we were little, troy and i were really close... so close that i would sleep in the same bedroom as he did when he was in town to help him. then when we got older, i got a life and didnt talk to him as much as i probably should have and i feel like i let him down. and i dont know if this is normal or not. He was 23 when he passed and i was 21....but can we go back in time when we were teenagers making fun of each other on the way to the high school football games? PLEASE?

Permalink Reply by Hank on July 13, 2009 at 1:25pm

I'm so sorry for your loss and i can relate. We all feel that we could have done more for our siblings it seems. I paid for my brothers rehabs and i offered him jobs when he got out of jail. We shared so many inside family jokes that i feel empty without them.

The only thing i can offer to you is how i approach the guilt. My brother would hate that i was feeling bad, and would tell me to stop "creating" negatives.

Best

Hank

Permalink Reply by Effie on July 13, 2009 at 5:54pm

That helps me the most I think. Thinking of what he would say if he saw me feeling sorry for myself or being closed off and angry. He would want me to live with all of the joy and passion I can and be me. That is what I am here to do. I think he watches over me. I feel him there in unexplainable ways. Like I hear a certain song when I see a sign with his name in it. Or find a picture and feel that warmth you felt when they were alive. I can relate to feeling like things could have been better or we could have been closer. I always thought I had time....I just assumed he would be there. It was just me and him. Now I am alone. I really did lose a soul mate. But one who would want me to cry less and laugh more. Thank you all for reminding me of that.
Hank said:

I'm so sorry for your loss and i can relate. We all feel that we could have done more for our siblings it seems. I paid for my brothers rehabs and i offered him jobs when he got out of jail. We shared so many inside family jokes that i feel empty without them.

The only thing i can offer to you is how i approach the guilt. My brother would hate that i was feeling bad, and would tell me to stop "creating" negatives.

Best

Hank

Permalink Reply by Effie on July 13, 2009 at 5:59pm

The last line of your post really got me. I REALLY just want one day...one day making snow forts or building with blocks or a family vacation. Or just talking to my brother. I recently met this sweet guy. I wish I could tell him and hear him laugh at our age difference. He would say, Sis! Is he good to you? Is he honest? Then that's what matters! I would give almost anything for that conversation. I know how you feel.

Nikki Giles said:

I lost my hero/brother last december. I dont really know how to deal with it still. We all knew it was coming for along time...but it all happened sooo soon. When Troy was 2 he was diagnosed with Duchenne's Muscular Dystrophy. Over the years Troy had his ups and downs. He was walking for a long time, until he was about 13.... then was permantly put in a wheelchair. but he never let anything he had going on get him down. Right after troy was put in his chair he had to have a back surgery and was in the hospital for a number of weeks. When he was about 16 ( i was in 8th grade, and he's 2 yrs older than me) there was GOOD news.... or so we thought. We heard about this surgery that could save troy's life and allow him to walk again! Myoblast Transfer Therapy--- we were all sooo excited.. (there are 6 children in our blended family, plus his mom/step-dad and our parents)... only problem at first was the cost... more than 250,000 dollars. plus the FDA had not approved such surgery in the United States, so my parents and brothers were set to go to France to have it done. We did everything we could think of doing. We went to our local wal-mart and asked for donations, we ask for donations from some of the major companies my parents worked with, we held garage and rummage sells, car washes, put adds in the local papers, everything, to get the money to do this for Troy. We ended up with about 1/2 of what we needed to get the surgery done... then we got some horrible news... the Dr. in which was supposed to be doing the surgery, we discovered was a fraud. So we did not end up getting the surgery done. Fast foward 4 years. Troy's fine..he's made it past all the doctor's expectiations. He's now 20!!! and gets put in the hospital for something major for the 1st time! very scary. He's in ICU for over a month... it was heart breaking. one of my sisters and I decided we needed to bring his spirits up... so, we contacted Troy's Favorite football team (Dallas Cowboys, he was actually named after them...and they had granted him a Make-A-When he was 5), we had asked if there was any way that any of the players could make a trip to the hospital to see troy.. unforutantly they were unable to do that, but they did do something that did lift his spirits to the highest to where he got out of icu and go to go home. They sent him all kinds of goodies. an autographed Roy Williams football, cheerleaders poster, a cowboy's bear and sooo much more. It was amazing. Troy ended up getting out of the hospital and going home for about 6 months, went back into the hospital and back home. for 2 years he was in and out of the hospital. the last time he was in there, he told his mom that if he got sick again he did not want to go to the hospital, he wanted to go "home". So in Dec. my brother went "home". I remember getting the call. I had moved out of state and was at work when my dad called me i broke down. I couldnt drive home, my fiance had to come get me from work.. the next day i had to be at work all day and it was one of thehardest day of my life! My fiance and i came home for the funeral-- that was the hardest day of my life. our oldest sister gave a speech, and troy's little brother gave one as well. His mom did do something i had never seen at a funeral before though. We had a balloon release. Everyone there wrote on a piece of paper a memory, or a message to troy and at the cemetary we released over 50 silver and blue balloons (most of which had 3/4 messages on them) to the sky to reach troy.

Now the reason i cant grab a hold of all this is because i feel horrible. When we were little, troy and i were really close... so close that i would sleep in the same bedroom as he did when he was in town to help him. then when we got older, i got a life and didnt talk to him as much as i probably should have and i feel like i let him down. and i dont know if this is normal or not. He was 23 when he passed and i was 21....but can we go back in time when we were teenagers making fun of each other on the way to the high school football games? PLEASE?

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