Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Drew on July 28, 2009 at 1:48am

Hello everyone. First thing i want to say is that i share the same pain as all of you, and that you are all in my prayers. God bless, we will all reunite with our loved ones when the time comes, no matter if that wait is long it will be worth seeing their beautifull smiles once again.
November of 08 was the worse month for me. I lost my grandmother on the 13th of November and ever since her passing i just find myself crying at awkward times. She was terminally ill and inspired me in so many ways. On her final day i just didn't want to believe it. Everyone tried to come talk to me in the waiting room but i pushed them away, in denial, the thought of her coming home would calm me down for a few minutes, but then when i would go back in the hospital room to talk to her i would break down. I know all of you went through the same pain i went through on that day. The good thing was that my grandmother was still all there, talking, smiling [even though the respirator blocked her beautiful smile], hugging, and crying but letting everyone know she was going to be okay in death. The whole day i just walked around the hospital, due to relatives and friends visiting her, and just wondered to myself..."This is what you see in your final days, the white lights must be 'the light' ". I don't know how much i cried that day, the machines beeping non-stop, the sound of oxygen bieng delivered through the respirator, constantly looking at the heart monitor, looking at her, and wondering if this is the nurse that will finally put her to rest. I could tell you that when i seen those nurses walk in her room, i rushed and made sure if this was "the time" that i was going to be there by her side. Each nurse that walked out gave me a little relief and the thought of her surviving. The waiting room was filled with our family and friends of the famliy, she had alot of love for her sons and daughters friends and treated them like her own. While in the waiting room i seen a priest arrive, we all got together in her room to say final prayers, sadly i began to cry and once again was in denial. The mood wasn't right, everyone comforted eachother but the comfort i got didn't bring any relief what so ever. For 13 long hours my grandmother stood strong and enjoyed the final day of her life. Later that night i was sitting in the waiting room with the others, my cousin ran over to all of us and waved her hand to come into the room, immediately i seen my family rushing over and crowding into the room. For 10 minutes my grandmother smiled with tearful eyes, her eyes dazing in and out into her final sleep, and let everyone know that she loved them and she was tired. I looked up to the heart monitor during that time and realized her heart rate was decreasing. I looked at her and looked back up and realized she had gone. The room filled with tears, hugs, and comfort, i didn't take any pride in that. I just sat back in a chair and cried by myself. My mother walked over to me and hugged me and said that she was okay now and no longer suffering. I stared at my beautiful grandmothers lifeless body, even without life, she was beautiful as can be. Although i kissed, hugged, and talked to her throughout that day, i took one last look at her, kissed her one last time, and whispered that i'd see her soon. Not once did i say goodbye, because i know along with heaven and our loved ones, she would be there to once again reunite with me. The pain hasn't recovered but just knowing that i had such a role model in my life gives me relief, so do the memories i have with her.

Permalink Reply by sandy davis on July 28, 2009 at 9:32pm

hi drew, i read your story and it brought back so many memories of my so wonderful beloved grandmother. she was an absolute saint. everyone so admired her and loved her and it was an honor to be her grandaughter and to be loved by her. she absolutely adored me and i am sure your grandmother adored you. losing her was a beyond horrible blow. i know she comforted me at a very bad, stressful, scary time in my life about a year after she passed away. i was at my wits end with a bad bad situation and i was in a room all alone and i felt a soft yet strong touch on my shoulder. after that i knew the problem i was trying to deal with was going to be okay and it was. if anyone could ever do that, reach through from beyond, it would be her. i lost my younger brother just this last january and i am having a really hard time with it. and i would sure love to feel her love and touch right now. but this site has helped me a lot to know that others understand and hearing their experiences, symptoms, feelings, fears, etc. let me know that i am not losing it. this has really been difficult because his death was so unexpected. the shock just wrecked my body. i hurt physically, dizzy, nausea, just about everything unpleasant for a long time. i guess i may have been having anxiety attacks, i don't know. then two months after my brother died, my husband left me. i have my moments but i feel like i am drawing strength from my brother and my grandmother to get myself through this. when i get some confidence though, occasionally the grief of my brother knocks me like a tidal wave and getting back up isn't always easy. i know so well that my brother would want me to stand strong handling my grief for him and he would surely want me to stand stronger than i have ever been in my life to have been treated so poorly by a man that i lived with and have been married to for 38 years. we will get better and stronger and we definitely are all better for having loved our family members who have passed on. and i believe we will see them again one day. i dreamed about my brother several months ago and he was smiling and i was soooooo excited to get to see him even though it was just a dream. it was better than nothing. the world was a better place for him having been here. he was a wonderful son to my mom and a great brother to me and my other brother. we all sure loved him. he had no children but all of the kids in the family from the 35 year old nephew to the 12 year old niece loved him and he kept them laughing. what a beautiful difference one single life made!!!!! love, peace, and prayers to everyone, sandy .... drew, i get grief share daily emails that have helped me tremendously. you may want to give them a try. i am always open to any suggestions anyone has to offer to help me. love to all.

Drew said:

Hello everyone. First thing i want to say is that i share the same pain as all of you, and that you are all in my prayers. God bless, we will all reunite with our loved ones when the time comes, no matter if that wait is long it will be worth seeing their beautifull smiles once again.
November of 08 was the worse month for me. I lost my grandmother on the 13th of November and ever since her passing i just find myself crying at awkward times. She was terminally ill and inspired me in so many ways. On her final day i just didn't want to believe it. Everyone tried to come talk to me in the waiting room but i pushed them away, in denial, the thought of her coming home would calm me down for a few minutes, but then when i would go back in the hospital room to talk to her i would break down. I know all of you went through the same pain i went through on that day. The good thing was that my grandmother was still all there, talking, smiling [even though the respirator blocked her beautiful smile], hugging, and crying but

Permalink Reply by Hank on July 30, 2009 at 1:47pm

Feeling a mixture of sadness and anger today. I miss my brother deeply and am angry at the powers at be for taking him at age 36. I drift from pain into numbness. From disbelief into acceptance. I'm never gunna be the same, but i guess i can carry on. What's the point though? I won't take my life, so i feel trapped in misery.


HPR

Permalink Reply by sandy davis on July 30, 2009 at 2:54pm

i am having a bit of an emotional day. at times i can't even distinguish where the pain is coming from. as always and as always will be, i miss my brother and just can't believe i won't ever see him again. at least not on this earth. i am just destroyed that my husband would hurt me so after 38 years. why he picked such a time as he did i don't know. either hates me pretty bad or he is just extremely stupid and uncaring. anyway, not a good day for me. i feel quite a few people have abandoned me. tomorrow will be a better day, i hope. love, peace to us all and prayers for us all, sandy

Hank said:

Feeling a mixture of sadness and anger today. I miss my brother deeply and am angry at the powers at be for taking him at age 36. I drift from pain into numbness. From disbelief into acceptance. I'm never gunna be the same, but i guess i can carry on. What's the point though? I won't take my life, so i feel trapped in misery.


HPR

Permalink Reply by Effie on July 30, 2009 at 4:18pm

It's been over two years for me and I know exactly how you feel Hank. I still have those days...weeks even. I ride it out. I listen to angry music. I cry and i yell at the sky. I take long drives. I wish I could tell you it gets easier. But you will get through this day. You will. I'm glad you took the time to write it down and share with us. You do appreciate your life. you just miss your lost loved one more than anything right now. I hear you. I wish I could make it go away for you. I truly do. Thoughts with you. Be strong.
Hank said:

Feeling a mixture of sadness and anger today. I miss my brother deeply and am angry at the powers at be for taking him at age 36. I drift from pain into numbness. From disbelief into acceptance. I'm never gunna be the same, but i guess i can carry on. What's the point though? I won't take my life, so i feel trapped in misery.


HPR

Permalink Reply by Effie on August 3, 2009 at 7:43am

Well i just read an article about how FORD settled with hundreds of customers over their roll over problems with the Explorers. They settled for coupons for new cars! I say this because my brother was killed due to a fault in the roof structure of his Ford truck. The same problems with the Explorer. We couldn't sue them because we could not prove his seat belt detached which caused him to be thrown after he was crushed by the roof caving in. But we all know he had it on. He never ever left the driveway without putting on his belt. I am so angry at FORD. I am angry that they are still in business and that they got these people after 7 years of litigation, to settle. The attorney's got payed but the people saw nothing. Except aprox 32k in coupons. For new vehicles with the same faults! Some people got wise and refused the coupons but now they have nothing and the cars are no safer. Do yourself and your family a favor and don't buy or keep Fords. I have done years of research now and there are flaws ion most of their vehicles. Involving being crushed and burned alive. I have also read article after article about young men like my brother who have died or been rendered motionless due to their injuries in roll overs in Ford F150's ad F250's. As well as Explorers. If Alex had been in a Subaru he would be alive. I believe that in my heart and soul. Be safe!!
Effie said:

It's been over two years for me and I know exactly how you feel Hank. I still have those days...weeks even. I ride it out. I listen to angry music. I cry and i yell at the sky. I take long drives. I wish I could tell you it gets easier. But you will get through this day. You will. I'm glad you took the time to write it down and share with us. You do appreciate your life. you just miss your lost loved one more than anything right now. I hear you. I wish I could make it go away for you. I truly do. Thoughts with you. Be strong.
Hank said:

Feeling a mixture of sadness and anger today. I miss my brother deeply and am angry at the powers at be for taking him at age 36. I drift from pain into numbness. From disbelief into acceptance. I'm never gunna be the same, but i guess i can carry on. What's the point though? I won't take my life, so i feel trapped in misery.


HPR

Permalink Reply by Hank on August 4, 2009 at 12:00pm

Effie

So sorry. I'm sure i would be just as angry at ford. We got the tox results back today after four months, and as i suspected my brother didn't take his own life. There was bad mixing of two drugs, but the doses were very low. He was weakened by drug and alcohol abuse, but would never purposely take his own life. I am proud he fought his addiction to the end and glad his final letters to his girlfriend were so full of optimism and change.

HPR

Permalink Reply by Elaine Banks Phillips on August 4, 2009 at 1:24pm

Hi Hank,my name is Elaine and I have been keeping up and reading everyone comments. I am really glad and happy for you and your brother who held up until the end. May God bless him. I will still be praying with you and your family Elaine. Don't forget about us on this Site and keep up with us.

Hank said:

Effie

So sorry. I'm sure i would be just as angry at ford. We got the tox results back today after four months, and as i suspected my brother didn't take his own life. There was bad mixing of two drugs, but the doses were very low. He was weakened by drug and alcohol abuse, but would never purposely take his own life. I am proud he fought his addiction to the end and glad his final letters to his girlfriend were so full of optimism and change.

HPR

Permalink Reply by sandy davis on August 4, 2009 at 4:12pm

effie, i know this is beyond unbearable. such a preventable tragedy. we have all heard for years about the rollover problems. there was a show on tv years ago about how the big companies decided it was cheaper to pay the lawsuits than fix the cars. i think it was ford once again, possible pinto vehicles. i am so sorry for your loss. and there is never a good way to lose someone but such a senseless tragedy is extremely hard. i will pray for you as i pray for us all. peace, love, and prayers, sandy

Elaine Banks Phillips said:

Hi Hank,my name is Elaine and I have been keeping up and reading everyone comments. I am really glad and happy for you and your brother who held up until the end. May God bless him. I will still be praying with you and your family Elaine. Don't forget about us on this Site and keep up with us.

Hank said:

Effie

So sorry. I'm sure i would be just as angry at ford. We got the tox results back today after four months, and as i suspected my brother didn't take his own life. There was bad mixing of two drugs, but the doses were very low. He was weakened by drug and alcohol abuse, but would never purposely take his own life. I am proud he fought his addiction to the end and glad his final letters to his girlfriend were so full of optimism and change.

HPR

Permalink Reply by sandy davis on August 4, 2009 at 4:14pm

hank, i am so encouraged as you must be that things were not as once thought. as i told effie, there is no good way to lose a loved one but there are some circumstances that would, in my opinion, be harder to deal with. i am glad for you that it was not suicide. that would make a big difference to me. peace, love, and prayers, sandy

sandy davis said:

effie, i know this is beyond unbearable. such a preventable tragedy. we have all heard for years about the rollover problems. there was a show on tv years ago about how the big companies decided it was cheaper to pay the lawsuits than fix the cars. i think it was ford once again, possible pinto vehicles. i am so sorry for your loss. and there is never a good way to lose someone but such a senseless tragedy is extremely hard. i will pray for you as i pray for us all. peace, love, and prayers, sandy

Elaine Banks Phillips said:

Hi Hank,my name is Elaine and I have been keeping up and reading everyone comments. I am really glad and happy for you and your brother who held up until the end. May God bless him. I will still be praying with you and your family Elaine. Don't forget about us on this Site and keep up with us.

Hank said:

Effie

So sorry. I'm sure i would be just as angry at ford. We got the tox results back today after four months, and as i suspected my brother didn't take his own life. There was bad mixing of two drugs, but the doses were very low. He was weakened by drug and alcohol abuse, but would never purposely take his own life. I am proud he fought his addiction to the end and glad his final letters to his girlfriend were so full of optimism and change.

HPR

Permalink Reply by Effie on August 5, 2009 at 7:06am

Thank you everyone...it is so nice to be able to share my thoughts and my anger and my pain without anyone trying to convince me otherwise. This week has been hard fro some reason. I am going through a lot, being foreclosed on, had to move my kids 300miles away from where they grew up so I can afford to live...I guess I just want him to be here so he can tell me it will be ok. I would like to be called "sis" again. But that will never happen. Just like all of us have said " I can't believe he's actually gone". I still can't get it through my skull. Or my heart. I just want my brother back!! Thank you all so much...Thank you for listening to my pain...it's what I need. Unfortunately.

sandy davis said:

hank, i am so encouraged as you must be that things were not as once thought. as i told effie, there is no good way to lose a loved one but there are some circumstances that would, in my opinion, be harder to deal with. i am glad for you that it was not suicide. that would make a big difference to me. peace, love, and prayers, sandy

sandy davis said:

effie, i know this is beyond unbearable. such a preventable tragedy. we have all heard for years about the rollover problems. there was a show on tv years ago about how the big companies decided it was cheaper to pay the lawsuits than fix the cars. i think it was ford once again, possible pinto vehicles. i am so sorry for your loss. and there is never a good way to lose someone but such a senseless tragedy is extremely hard. i will pray for you as i pray for us all. peace, love, and prayers, sandy

Elaine Banks Phillips said:

Hi Hank,my name is Elaine and I have been keeping up and reading everyone comments. I am really glad and happy for you and your brother who held up until the end. May God bless him. I will still be praying with you and your family Elaine. Don't forget about us on this Site and keep up with us.

Hank said:

Effie

So sorry. I'm sure i would be just as angry at ford. We got the tox results back today after four months, and as i suspected my brother didn't take his own life. There was bad mixing of two drugs, but the doses were very low. He was weakened by drug and alcohol abuse, but would never purposely take his own life. I am proud he fought his addiction to the end and glad his final letters to his girlfriend were so full of optimism and change.

HPR

Permalink Reply by sandy davis on August 6, 2009 at 10:18pm

effie, i am so sorry you are having trouble with your living arrangements. i just checked out a new book entitiled, when everything changes, change everything. hey, its worth a try, doncha think? i have only read a few pages but i will keep you posted if it is the magic bullet we all need and could use. i would even settle for just some help as i am sure all of you would. i am sorry you had to move but, maybe there will be some good to come of it. i sure hope so for you and your kids. keep your chin up and make your brother proud. that is what i am trying so desperately to do. we worked on his house again today and it wasn't nearly so painful as when we first began. we even had some jokes about it. we said, he would be going what in the hell are you doing to my house. and believe me, he would. he was the typical bachelor, didn't use up too much time cleaning. seeing some of his things though is still hard. i will miss him forever and ever, just like you will for your brother. i will pray for you. peace, prayers and love, sandy

Effie said:

Thank you everyone...it is so nice to be able to share my thoughts and my anger and my pain without anyone trying to convince me otherwise. This week has been hard fro some reason. I am going through a lot, being foreclosed on, had to move my kids 300miles away from where they grew up so I can afford to live...I guess I just want him to be here so he can tell me it will be ok. I would like to be called "sis" again. But that will never happen. Just like all of us have said " I can't believe he's actually gone". I still can't get it through my skull. Or my heart. I just want my brother back!! Thank you all so much...Thank you for listening to my pain...it's what I need. Unfortunately.

sandy davis said:

hank, i am so encouraged as you must be that things were not as once thought. as i told effie, there is no good way to lose a loved one but there are some circumstances that would, in my opinion, be harder to deal with. i am glad for you that it was not suicide. that would make a big difference to me. peace, love, and prayers, sandy

sandy davis said:

effie, i know this is beyond unbearable. such a preventable tragedy. we have all heard for years about the rollover problems. there was a show on tv years ago about how the big companies decided it was cheaper to pay the lawsuits than fix the cars. i think it was ford once again, possible pinto vehicles. i am so sorry for your loss. and there is never a good way to lose someone but such a senseless tragedy is extremely hard. i will pray for you as i pray for us all. peace, love, and prayers, sandy

Elaine Banks Phillips said:

Hi Hank,my name is Elaine and I have been keeping up and reading everyone comments. I am really glad and happy for you and your brother who held up until the end. May God bless him. I will still be praying with you and your family Elaine. Don't forget about us on this Site and keep up with us.

Hank said:

Effie

So sorry. I'm sure i would be just as angry at ford. We got the to

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