Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by River of Tears on April 19, 2011 at 6:17am

Dear George and Daisy ,  Just read what you both have shared and I am so sorry for the you both in each loss you have both have had . 

One thing that struck me that no matter how many days or even years will pass there really is not that stop watch that comes with grief . One that so many mention in passing that "time will heal " as with some hoping you are over it all already . Well for me it will never be that easy as I see with you and many .   What I have learned through this all is that so many may go through wanting or hoping that they never have to feel this pain but it does come , different for each as no one pain can be the same as is someones love for another . Even in ones family .  Someone close to you may have been able to some how start to live again ( I call it functioning ) as it seems at least right now .  But now matter how each feel or go through it is hopefully heard as " your pain " not one that so many think is in a manual to follow and when the book is down and in laying it down so is that pain .  It is not that easy .  As it was in life if that love we had for the ones we were so blessed with was just a word or a thought or what one may read ok then goodness the world would never feel pain from some passing . But the love we had in our lives is where this pain come from .  It is now just a become this deep pain maybe because for me I often wonder if it is that I don't have my sister of parents to share and give my love with them as I used to .

What I see in you what you have shared George , you have already taken the steps in just sharing about your Mother . Sometimes I think that is all it takes is for you to have someone to listen and know now you are safe to share your feelings to put a voice per say .,  Many times in life others may not understand why you are how we are feeling the way we do . The often heard comment I hear " you are so sensitive "  this was said to me the first day after my sister passed away.  Well to be sensitive or even angry it is how you felt at that time .  There is no manual that anyone handed me when my sister closed her eyes for the last time ,did anyone else get one . To tell us all how to be or how to act through all of this . Yet as said that stop watch of others comes in to play wanting us to move on. But to move on will never do .   It may lighten or change along the way for us , we will never move on from this love we have in our hearts not matter if it is one day or 10 year or more we will still long for those we were blessed with .  As Daisy shared that she still gasps at times just in the thought of her loved ones .  So do I , it  as though now have this  missing piece of my being  , that part that brought such joy and love to me each and every day . Yet you know no matter what this love can not be taken away .

All you can do now is this moment in time , and from there it will grow to days after . With hope others will see that you are there  .  If not you always know where to come back to , we here will listen to what ever you need to share.

 This is the only place I have found safe since my family passed on , through the comforting words of others and just being able to read what they have to share as you that has offered me strength for this moment,   to know that the love in my heart will always be there .

 

A journey of pain no one knows how to travel , 

 

Life does offer us all is the  journey of  Love

 

One we all were so fortunate to have taken with out loved ones . 

 

 

George said:

Sorry to hear that.  In suddenly lost my mom and I never got over it during the funeral I was being the rock for everyone.  I became someone who
I became this monstertowards everyone and had no feelings what so ever. My relationship of 3 years isnowstarting to end because of my attitude.  And only recently. I startedto break down about my mom na

Andfinally see my mistakes.  Hope someone can give me some advice.  I lost mom. Don't want to lose my partner

Daisy said:

OMG its so soon, I dont know what to say to help you ease the pain... I tell you Its been five years and i still choke up on the thought of my brother, thinking of the good times, the bad times and just the fact of not having him anymore... I am sorry you and your family has experinced this tragic loss... dont hold or hide your emotions and just remember its okay to express how you feel, crying does help....

Permalink Reply by susan theriault on April 19, 2011 at 6:34pm

Sandra Im so sorry I havent replied back to be honest I havent really figured out how this all works not to mention I have been trying to keep myself busy to occupy my mind. I know what you mean when you say a big part of who you are is gone. So many people just dont understand not even my other sisters but I realy believe they are with us. Try to hang in there my friend someone said to me one day what would your sister want from you whould she want you to make the best of your life and be happy. I thought about that and realized she would want me to be ok I know easier said then done. Believe me I feel so angry all the time at everyone and still pretend most of the time this is not real. I will never know how you feel but know I have so much empty ness and pain myself I try to be strong but s Some days its just to much to take. Please know that your in my thoughts and I wish you some ease from your pain, sincerly susan

\susan theriault said:

Thats how Im feeling also, my sister Stacie was like my twin. She died on December 3rd today its Jan 20th. You said its like a big part of you is gone. Thats how I feel. I pretend that she is still alive because I dont know how to face it. I dream of her all the time I dream she died then I wake up and realize its true. I dont know what to say to ease your pain but I have some of those feelings as well. Hang in there what keeps me going is I know I have many people who love me and need me. I wish I could say something that would help I will be thinking of you

SANDRA said:

I'm still trying to get past the fact that my sister is gone. She killed herself just over three months ago, and I'm not sure how to move on. She was my best friend and now i feel like a big part of who i am is just gone...

Permalink Reply by Baby-daughter on May 6, 2011 at 11:13pm

Hello Ray my big brother

Just wanted to check in with you and make sure your doing well
I love and miss you still so much.

All my love to you your baby sister and protector.

Permalink Reply by Lisa SC on June 7, 2011 at 4:02pm

I'm very thankful to have found all of you here.  I read the first 30+ pages of this discussion and decided after meeting a few of you through your posts that maybe I could find not exactly healing but strength from sharing.  I have a very similar situation to Valerie from Sandy Utah, loosing the sibling you were closest to and being left with the sibling that is extremely self-centered.  I'm different from her as I still have my parents.

We lost my brother at 43 to Lymphoma after a 5+ year battle.  I believe he was also Asberger's Syndrome, which is a type of Autism.  He had poor social skills and I don't believe he emotionally progressed beyond a 15 year old.  He never married or had any children that could be proven were his.  Typical of an Asberger's personality he had natural ability and worked as a Troubleshooter in the Engineering department of a big company.

My parents have not taken his passing well, my father is very angry and it has been somewhat directed towards me because my brother left me as his executor and left everything to me.  My brother did not have much and I was willing to share with all of my family but my father has taken possession of majority of what my brother had.  I guess I could have done something legally but I'm not like that.  I just feel my father values my brother's possessions more than he does his living family.  I was the one of the closest family members to my father until this happened.  My mother wants peace but at the same time she has allowed my father to do this.

I appreciate all of you listening(reading) and look forward to sharing and drawing strength from those of you who have made each day count and continued with your lives.

Permalink Reply by River of Tears on July 26, 2011 at 11:18pm

A Sister or Brother that holds a special place in many lives . One that can be a instant best friend you do not have to look far for . One that is by your side all the time no matter what . Yet when they pass this the days and nights can be longer and darker then ever . Yet some how time still pass quickly as they seemed to slipping by before you can hug them just that one more time or say those words often said . Simple yet words that have such meaning in so many lives . Love a connection that we had we given and we able to give in life to someone very special yet somehow the question begs to be asked at least in my hearts as long as time will pass is Why ? Possibly it is the guilt that grows deeper and greater as time goes by or that my feeling can not be held in the many closets of sorts inside that I hold the many feeling I have yet felt so that others will not know how truly shattered I am . Possibly it is that I do not want to admit this to myself . If so I may not get up off the ground . Melting in the the floor of feelings that just poured out if to ever truly express them . Yet now I just function as long as time has been . Some believe that a year is enough yet for it still feels like yesterday that my sister as my father and mother all slipped through my arms . Now aching wishing I could only hug them once more . Though this would not be the truth , for I would not let go if to ever had this chance ever again like I wish I had when here . Possibly if I did , they would not have left . Not for me . For them . To have and live a life that they all loved . My sister was so young, yet lived a life that x what others may have . With what she had to face and was challenged with . But you know she would never tell you . All you would see is this kind and loving smile . One that could bring peace to the room with out a word . I seek this smile in my mind so to bring peace to my soul. Yet at times I wonder if I as a sibling ever gave to her as much as she gave to me .
What is amazing in all this pain and darkness . They do leave us this gift as they did in being just in our lives. It was that gift we felt deep inside when we saw them or thought to call them or plan the next outing . This gift can forever be held in our hearts . This gift of love can never be taken away . They left for us to make it through our days as difficult as they may be . This I am so grateful for . Possibly the only light in this all .

Blessings . May peace in this come to you . In the Love you Sister and or Brother Left for you .

Permalink Reply by Lisa SC on July 27, 2011 at 1:19pm

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings, time passes and we become more complacent with no longer having those that we love to share with.  I'm not saying easier but we become accustomed to the loss.  After 10 months I still refer to my brother in the present because he is still a part of my present as well as my past. 

I just finished ordering his stone....and I did what he would have wanted...he was different and he knew he was different from other people.  So I gave him a headstone with something no one else would have wanted, I can see his face now with a smirky smile on it knowing I defied convention and gave him his individuallity as his last statement to this world.
Again...thank you for sharing.
River of Tears said:

A Sister or Brother that holds a special place in many lives . One that can be a instant best friend you do not have to look far for . One that is by your side all the time no matter what . Yet when they pass this the days and nights can be longer and darker then ever . Yet some how time still pass quickly as they seemed to slipping by before you can hug them just that one more time or say those words often said . Simple yet words that have such meaning in so many lives . Love a connection that we had we given and we able to give in life to someone very special yet somehow the question begs to be asked at least in my hearts as long as time will pass is Why ? Possibly it is the guilt that grows deeper and greater as time goes by or that my feeling can not be held in the many closets of sorts inside that I hold the many feeling I have yet felt so that others will not know how truly shattered I am . Possibly it is that I do not want to admit this to myself . If so I may not get up off the ground . Melting in the the floor of feelings that just poured out if to ever truly express them . Yet now I just function as long as time has been . Some believe that a year is enough yet for it still feels like yesterday that my sister as my father and mother all slipped through my arms . Now aching wishing I could only hug them once more . Though this would not be the truth , for I would not let go if to ever had this chance ever again like I wish I had when here . Possibly if I did , they would not have left . Not for me . For them . To have and live a life that they all loved . My sister was so young, yet lived a life that x what others may have . With what she had to face and was challenged with . But you know she would never tell you . All you would see is this kind and loving smile . One that could bring peace to the room with out a word . I seek this smile in my mind so to bring peace to my soul. Yet at times I wonder if I as a sibling ever gave to her as much as she gave to me .
What is amazing in all this pain and darkness . They do leave us this gift as they did in being just in our lives. It was that gift we felt deep inside when we saw them or thought to call them or plan the next outing . This gift can forever be held in our hearts . This gift of love can never be taken away . They left for us to make it through our days as difficult as they may be . This I am so grateful for . Possibly the only light in this all .

Blessings . May peace in this come to you . In the Love you Sister and or Brother Left for you .

Permalink Reply by Fleming on July 28, 2011 at 5:58pm

Hi,

 

I feel like I'm late in joining this discussion, since there has been so many stories shared.  Well, I just wanted to share my own story as well in hopes that it will be able to help someone out there.

 

My older brother, Eddie, passed away in 2005 and it has left the deepest cut in my heart.  As the days passed after his funeral, I still felt very lost.  I didn't know what I would do without my best friend and mentor.  My parents and oldest brother were still around, but at that moment, I still felt so alone because I felt only Eddie cared to understand me.  I thought about all the lessons he taught me throughout my life and one thing that I realized was that he wouldn't want me to expend my energy mourning his death, but instead convert it to something more productive.

 

So, I thought about creating a dedicated web page that would allow friends and family to post their memories and talk about what was troubling them.  Then I realized other people had/were going through the same pain as I was and they should have the same opportunity to create a tribute for their loved one, so that's how I came to creating an online memorial community, Warm Tribute, instead.

 

It brings me solace to know that Eddie would be proud that I created something that's helping others, just like this forum.  If you have the time, please take a look at http://www.WarmTribute.com and create a tribute for your loved one while there.

 

Warm regards,

Fleming

Warm Tribute Online Memorials

http://www.WarmTribute.com

Permalink Reply by susan gidley on August 14, 2011 at 11:01pm

I lost my big brother 11 yrs ago to leukemia he was 23 yrs old he was diagnosed the day after my 15th birthday and my family and I took him off of life support just three weeks later. He left behind a 2 year old son which looks just like him and a pregnant wife. I was left to deal with the pain on my own my parents as well as my two other siblings were stuck in their own grieve. We had such a strong bond he was my rock in the hard times but he wasn't there to hold my hand that day because he was on his way to heaven. I can't want to find a way to get over this pain that won't fade

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on August 15, 2011 at 4:55am

susan gidley said:

I lost my big brother 11 yrs ago to leukemia he was 23 yrs old he was diagnosed the day after my 15th birthday and my family and I took him off of life support just three weeks later. He left behind a 2 year old son which looks just like him and a pregnant wife. I was left to deal with the pain on my own my parents as well as my two other siblings were stuck in their own grieve. We had such a strong bond he was my rock in the hard times but he wasn't there to hold my hand that day because he was on his way to heaven. I can't want to find a way to get over this pain that won't fade

Hi Susan ..

My sympathies and heart go out to you and your family regarding the loss of your big brother.  It is far more difficult when someone in the family passes away because each person deals with the loss of that person in their own way.  If you want to talk about your big brother or just cry and hug your siblings or your parents then do so and do not get upset if everyone starts to cry or, perhaps one person in the family may lash out at your actions because as I've said before each person grieves in a different way.  Feeling numb; depressed; sad; always crying; not being able to concentrate; not eating or eating too much; staying away from your friends because your heart hurts and you cry often is all the normal feelings of grief.  Choose a trusted a good friend to discuss your feelings with.  We all have gone through this (some of us differently and some of us have not experienced exactly the same symptoms of grief) but grieving needs to be to mend the heart although you will never forget your big brother.  In time you will be able to accept your big brother's death and think of the fond memories you have had together and in the family, but for not cry if you want to; talk to your big brother out loud and tell him how much you love and miss him. Honor his memory (if possible) by helping out his wife.  Perhaps you could babysit to give her some time to herself.  Those are your big brother's children as well and that will give you some comfort.  Try to remember your big brother is in heaven and in a good place full of peace and grace.  One day you will see him again, but for now, grieve yourself; hold your parents and siblings close and grieve and his wife and your nephew and the baby when it comes due.  This forum is a wonderful place to come too and you can say anything you feel without being criticized.  My husband Ernie passed away April 27th, 2011 of pancreatic cancer and like others on here I still miss and love him very much.

God bless you hon

Marcy

Permalink Reply by Teresa Amburgey on August 16, 2011 at 3:20pm

I lost my brother last week, he had some serious heart problems due to a doctor's malpractice. We knew that this was something that would happen, but he was feeling so well, and then suffered a massive stroke, and was found on the floor and he was gone. There was no closure for me, or goodbyes. I find myself feeling anxiety, emptiness, sometimes I feel peaceful, then I feel irratible. So many diffrent emoitions running through me. I need peace in my heart, and for my body to feel good again.

Permalink Reply by Teresa Amburgey on August 16, 2011 at 3:24pm

I need to find a way to fill the emptiness, and the lonliness. I lost my mother and my brother in a 3 year period. Very lost.

Permalink Reply by Fleming on August 16, 2011 at 5:52pm

Hi Teresa,

 

I'm very sorry to hear about the passing of your brother.  The rollercoaster of emotions that you described is very normal after losing a loved one.  Within 5 years, I lost my older brother and father.  I had the same experience as you did when they passed.  My dad also passed suddenly due to a heart attack.

 

I think it's great that you have joined forum such as this to speak about your experience.  I didn't start until recently and I find it to be pretty helpful knowing others understand my situation.  Don't bottle up your emotions and thoughts.  The best thing you can do at this point is be open and go with the emotions - as long as they're not abusive to yourself and others.  We're all here to help.

 

If you're interested, I also recommend creating a free online memorial for your mom and brother.  It's a great way to log all your thoughts and memories so that they are immortalized.

 

Warm regards,

Fleming

Warm Tribute Online Memorials

http://www.WarmTribute.com

 

 

Teresa Amburgey said:

I lost my brother last week, he had some serious heart problems due to a doctor's malpractice. We knew that this was something that would happen, but he was feeling so well, and then suffered a massive stroke, and was found on the floor and he was gone. There was no closure for me, or goodbyes. I find myself feeling anxiety, emptiness, sometimes I feel peaceful, then I feel irratible. So many diffrent emoitions running through me. I need peace in my heart, and for my body to feel good again.

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