Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Jo on August 15, 2008 at 9:27pm

Celeste memories will always come rushing back. I saw a child who looked like my nephew, his dad was tossing him in the air an he was laughing that wonderful laugh. I thought of my nephew and that he and his dad will never again have these kinds of moments. It doe's get easier, you have more good memories and less meltdowns. I wear my brothers sweatshirt when we go out on family adventures, so in my head I take him with me. That's just something that helps me cope. I also donate my time at the Cancer center were my brother was treated. I feel if I can help comfort that one person who feels like no one knows how they feel I've served my purpose.

Permalink Reply by Elaine Banks Phillips on August 17, 2008 at 3:05pm

Hi celest,I can Tell you about the memories. Every time a fire truck passes my heart gets full. Kris boys would say there goes my daddy truck mama. You know here comes the tears. I had the chance to see my son drive the fire truck once. Every time I see one I can see him driving. Yes 2 yrs for me and I still cry. Than I would say when the fire truck passes by,there you go Kris and I smile. I really think in Gods time. There is no time limit for grieving. I read where some of our friends from this Site has many years of pain. It just takes it time. Because you know the way I feel, looks like it will be with me forever. Because I still hurt. I talks about Kris a whole lot. I guess some people be trying to aviod me because they know what my subject will be on. Just keep praying, Because you know God may not come when want him to,but he is always on time.

Permalink Reply by Devona Rodricq on August 17, 2008 at 12:04am

My brother has been gone for forty-four days now. This month there is an annual pow-wow called Crow Fair. Native Americans from all over the world come to this, it's also known as the tipi capital of the world and this happens right here in my state of Montana. There is pow-wows, rodeo, parades, and all kinds of food you could eat. It lasts for about four days were you set up camp and its your home away from home. Our camp is where my brother took on the responsiblity of helping to set up tipi's, my grandmother's tent's and shade. This year, it obviously is'nt the same. My mom refused to go, and so did my grandma. I have'nt camped in awhile, but my older sister did. It's never going to be the same with out my brother. I had to go this morning because my kids were asked to be in the parade due to campaining for my mother-in-law. As I watched the parade pass by, which consists of horse riders, men ,women and children dressed in their best, the old way style. Cars are decorated with pendelton blankets and I guess you would just have to see it for your self, it's awesome! There is just too much to describe!! Anyway, as I watched the parade go by I keep thinking of my brother, and how lonely it was without him. How he won't be there any more to help with camp, or anything else. I am very lonely for him....but I try to remind my self that he's happy where he is. I try to remind my self that I will see him again!! As HEAVY as my heart is, I'm trying. Whenever I am feeling low I talk to him, my mom says that it helps her too, to talk to him. I miss him so bad! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH LEVI, AND I MISS YOU MUCH MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY!!!XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Permalink Reply by Elaine Banks Phillips on August 17, 2008 at 3:35pm

Hi Devona, Kris season is here now,if you viewed Kris Memorial Site than you see that the New Orleans Saints was his #1 team. Saturday was the Saints 2nd game. I had to sit with Kris Jr. and watch the Saints play. You know there was many of tears,than it some joy. He would look at me and I would look at him. I could see Kris eyes filled with water, because this was their time together,watching football,and saying who was best team. I tried to hold back but I couldn't, he said MaMa are you crying. Than we both embraced each other and said at the same time "YOU MISS HIM HA" I said yes and he said yes. I encouraged him by saying,its OK you can cry when ever. It is good to cry,I cry all the time. I told him I guess Kris is looking down on us saying what are you crying for I am alright. He smiled and I smiled. Kris ask,MaMa you said that my Dad is my guardian angel now. So he will be watching over me all the time. I stated yes,will he be watching over my Mom and my brothers to, I told him yes. Kris stated I am glad because now my Mom has a dangerous job also. Kris Mom is a New Orleans Police Officer. He is so afraid that something will happen to his Mom. Everytime she leaves out for work he would say Love you Ma,Be very carefull,and gives her a big hug. I just feel so full and sorry for them. Now I pray and ask God to protect their Mom while on these dangerious streets here in New Orleans as a police officer. Devona I don't know what to do if something would happen to this 1 grandson Mom. Now they are shooting back at the cops. So Devona hang in there. I say maybe this is for us to stay on our knees a little more often. I will be praying for you,and please remember Lil Kris in your prayers.

Permalink Reply by Devona Rodricq on September 17, 2008 at 12:52am

I am sorry I have not replied for so long, but I have kept you and your family in my prayers. I hope that you are well and that your heart is'nt as heavy as it was yesterday. I pray for myself and my own family that our hearts are'nt so heavy. How have you been? I, like everyone on this site am trying to get along, with the help of the Lord, of course! Everyday, I feel just a bit better, than I did two months ago. I still have my days of course. Days when I feel total despair, and so far gone that I don't know how I'll ever come back. I talk to my big brother every day, and that helps me so much!! I talk as if he was'ent gone, because I know he can hear me. Although, now that he's past on, things here in my world are not so perfect. I have his only daughter on my mind, I'm worried. Her mom is'nt the type of person a child would call mom by choice. She puts her self first, and that is'nt right. I used to be her friend but not so much anymore. She chooses to stay in the same crooked path, and I refuse to be a part of it. All I am worried about is my neice, and the path that she will follow. I have let her know time and time again that I am here for her as long as she helps herself. As long as she stays in school, as long as she gets good grades and does what she can to still make her daddy proud. My whole family never liked my brother's wife, because of things she chose to do. Things that were'nt right, but because she was my brother's wife I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Now that my brother is gone, the family does'nt do much for her because we know what she'll do. Either, she makes you feel sorry for her or when you do help, she takes advantage. All I care about is my niece, my God-daughter! If any thing were to happen, God forbid, I will take her, I know that for sure! Right now dealing with my brother's death, that's more than enough. I also know that GOD will not give us more than we can handle. That's why I think of you Elaine, because you have dealt with so much and I truly do look to you for help. BUT, PLEASE, I DON'T WANT YOU TO FEEL BURDENED BY MY TROUBLES. Just some encouragement, because your very good at it and through your words I can find some peace. Love Devona

Permalink Reply by Elaine Banks Phillips on September 17, 2008 at 1:30am

Good to hear from you again Devona.now we have a lot of praying to do. We will all be in prayers with you Devona. Like the song says,you pray for me and I'll pray for you. My problem started off bad with my grandkids,my son two boys. She sworn that my family will never see them two little boys we say we love ever again. I prayed,cried,tried to contact them on the phone,when they birthdays arrive we were not invited to thier party. Now you know this hurt me so bad that I took sick,trying to hold up for evryone and not cry at the funeral,my daughter 5months pregnant,she and Kris was so close.than his two sons,my son and Kris fiance. So holding all this in cause me to have an brain anuerysm while driving on the I-10 in Baton rouge,La. I hit (5) cars,than (3) cars hit me and than I hit the bridge again with 3 grandkids in the car with me. So I know how you feel. I stayed in intensive care for 11 days. But put Your sister-in-law in Gods hand. Tell your family that they have our prayers to. Any time you feel like wrtting do it. I talks to Kris all the time. I have Kris guess book in Legacy.com,also Kris Memory Book in Legacy Connect. so I just set and talk to Kris like he sitting right nex to me. Try making a Memorial site for brother with Legacy.Connect. Than you and your family can express your feeling and emotions. Read some of the good time you shared together. God Bless

Permalink Reply by Devona Rodricq on October 16, 2008 at 12:42am

Hey Elaine, how are you? Over the past three weeks alot has changed. We found a house that just actually wanted us. I say that because we first looked at the house, the realtor pretty much said it would'nt happen because of our credit. But the thing is we were blessed enough to pay off everything we owed, it just did'nt show up. After a couple of months we got his call asking if we were still interested in the house! Well to make a long story short we got it!! We're very happy with what has come our way, I thank the Lord every day because I know that if it were'nt for Him, we would'nt have this! In the situation I still feel sad because my brother is'nt here to share this with me. Spiritually, I know he's here and he's proud of me. I just want the impossible, I want him here, I want to feel his big bear hug and hear his voice again. I was talking to my big sister a couple of nights ago and she told me of a dream that she had about our brother. She said that he told her that the only time he's around us is when we're happy, I did'nt know quite how to feel about that. Only because, when I am sad and lonely for him, that's when I need him most. And to think that he is'nt around when I feel that way, hurt! When I thought about it though, it does make perfect sense, I know that I should'nt be sad forever because our time here is so short, you know? I'm trying very hard to not be sad, but of course, like us all, I still have my days. My day's when I shut the world out, and want no part of it. But then I have the strength to go on, and that's only possible because of the Lord! I've been thinking of not only you but the rest of the people on this site and other's who have lost a loved one. I pray till I fall asleep, I want to let you know that I do appreciate every kind word you have ever spoke, it has meant so much to me! Until then I will keep praying for every one and thinking of you all, God bless!

Permalink Reply by Mary Rios on September 9, 2008 at 1:20pm

I have not lost my sister yet to this awful disease called CANCER. But it is back and it is a matter of time.

I prayed that GOd would give her additional time to see her first granddaughter and he did. It has been two years and my sister has shown strength that I don't even think she knew she had.

I am younger than she is and handled all our parents affairs when they passed because she could not deal with it. Now, I am having a very very hard time being the strong one. Yet, I know I can't be bawling everytime I see her. What advice can any of you give me that will help be the best support for her at this time. She and I are going on a retreat this month and I really fear I will literally "fall apart" and not be there for her. She is the one in more pain than I.

We lost our 17 year old niece to a car accident 3 years ago and our love for each other and for our younger sister helped us survive that painful loss. But, I don't feel I can turn to my younger sister for her support when she is still dealing with her grief.

You know that song "Everyone wants to go to Heaven but just not yet". Even with belief in the promise of the afterlife, even with knowing that God is with us it is still so hard to see her life come to an end. We were going to get old together.

Permalink Reply by Celeste on September 9, 2008 at 4:03pm

Wow! I can relate to how you must feel. My brother struggled for 27 days after he suffered a surprise heart attack and went into a coma. He is the first sibling that I have lost and it is hard no matter how long you prepare for it. My best advise would be to be honest with your sister and try to keep it together through comfort from friends and certainly through prayer and spiritual counseling. Each day that goes by, when my brother misses a family gathering it is like we all go through his death each time we get together. So hang in there and cling to God and I think that what you are doing now, preparing ahead of time is most healthy!

C Carr

Permalink Reply by Elaine Banks Phillips on September 9, 2008 at 9:21pm

You are so right Celeste,no Mary you cannot prepare your self for death. Like we knew my dad did't have long to live,but when that time came I just could not except it. I don't know which one hurts the must,knowing that your love one is dying or your love one is killed instantly. The only thing I know that can help you is prayers. Ask God to strenghten you for this time. You see I did not have this time with my son who was killed in a fatal car accident. It is so hard with this type of death to me. But I think knowing that your love one is dying do give you a little time to do things together. It will hurt but go places,ask your sister is there anything special that she would like to do. I couldn't ask my son these things. So Mary you pray and ask God for this strength and he will give it to you for her. Remember when this time comes she will no longer suffer or be in pain.

Permalink Reply by Mary Rios on September 9, 2008 at 10:30pm

For those of you who replied THANK YOU! Today, I was coming back from an appointment, I am a real estate agent, and listened to beautiful music inSpanish. And a song played that said in translation, " Please bring me music/songs when I die, Please bring me beautiful songs/music to see if I "wake up",Don't being me tears, Don't bring me sadness, Toast to my life, Because this is the last song this soul will hear with you?" I cried all the way home. So, I thank you for your thoughts and you time. And I will continue as best as I can with the grace of the Good Lord to be the strength for my sister that He wants me to be.

Permalink Reply by Celeste on September 17, 2008 at 7:49am

Mary:

It is good to have a good cry, God understands! The best way to deal with all of this is to spend as much time with your sister and enjoy your time together. Creating memories is the most important thing in the world. I am an scrapbooker and it helps to preserve precious memories. I know that nothing can take the place of the person themeselves, but having those memories to hold on to does help to heal. I will keep praying for you!

Celeste

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