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Permalink Reply by marybeth bergin on May 27, 2009 at 4:53am

Cassie said:

I lost my brother 21 days ago. It is surreal to me that he is gone. I know that he is GONE...but it does not compute. I am not sure why. I along with family planned his funeral. They did the calling & I ok'd things while thinking...this is not "REAL"!! Well, it was very real. HE IS GONE. We did not have the best childhood, and I was like a mother to him. I always came to his rescue. I never told my brother "NO"!! He called 6 days before he died. He wanted $300.00 dollars for the doctor, and his script. I told him "NO", and stuck to it. I could not believe I did not give in. HE called about 4 or 5 times trying to talk me into paying for it. I was like, "NO", and I had a bad vibe all day long. One that did not go away.I was very concerned. I have this way of knowing things, and they happen. What is up with that? The worry was like never before. It was intense. Unsettling. To add to that phone call, he was very drowsy while we were talking. I said, "Brake, if you can not say awake talking to me, I forsure am not buying your meds." He went on to say, I should be proud of him for taking his meds right. I should be proud; because, it was so hard to get to that point. I knew he was full of bologna. Well, he came over the next day while waiting on his script to be filled. He did not look good. Not at all. I noticed it right away. The things I noticed were what killed him 6 days later. I pay attention to details, without even knowing it most of the time. My mother paid for the doctor, and script. I told her not to do it. I told her if something happened, she would not forgive herself. I do not have enough time to go into his kids or the relationship he had. That was whole other nightmare, on top of his sudden passing. ( I am writing this thinking...how is this really me writing this) I had told Bubba that he needed to stop depending on me so much. If he ran out of food, I stocked his pantry. I paid the unpaid bills. I took care of the kids when CPS took them away. I made life so easy for him. I am far from "PERFECT", but he did as he pleased daily. I paid for it for 33 years. My brother passed 2 days before his 34th birthday. I am not sure how to deal with this. There is so much he left undone. I can not fight his ex to see my neice and nephew. I watched Beau come into this world. I delivered his little girl. She came so fast. She has my middle name. Their mom is certified crazy. I am not kidding. She is so off that you can not do a thing with her. My family just could not believe my brother was with her. She held up his body 2 freaking days, she took everything he had, got his last check, attached me, and my family 2 days after my brother's death, she lied to police, and my brother laid dead about 5 hours in his bed.(then she found him) I can not even begin to tell you what she is getting away with. I cannot grieve, and worry about all the things that have or are taking place since his death. There is so much to deal with, I just think...GOD help me. What do I feel? How much time before my brain comes back? His ex made a fool of herself at the funeral. Crawling under the casket, the dramatic collaspe when she walked up to the casket the first time, mad I did not put her name on the flowers I paid for, demanding eveything from the funeral, and the poor kids. While the kids are still in a mess, I grieve beyond words. The pain is so intense, I have to push it away. I did not realize I protected him so much. Til his death. The family all pitched in to lay him to rest with respect, and honor. The EX said we had to okay the detaills with her, and she would aprove them. I knew that I would need the divorce papers, (she claimed they were married, I had to prove they were not to get the body released)so that is the first thing I did when I got home after he was carried from his house. She never offered a dime or a thought to his funeral. I tried to stay one step ahead of her. It has worked so far. All the extra faxing due to her wanting control of the funeral. She even acused my passed away brother of having her meds in his pocket. He was on the way to the MORGUE!! He had on shorts with no pockets. Are you "SERIOUS"??? She did not even call me when he died. She was scared to. I got there and like 10 people were there. I knew 2 of them. I think my brother had a life I did not know all about. Not that he hid it, but I just do not live the way he did. We are night and day. The love we have is not cut short with our different thinking. He was so free with his ways. You could like it or too bad. The thing is he could afford the trouble it caused. He was not cut out to be a provider. Some people just aren't. He was a good person. He just could not work 9 to 5, and be married. The ex and him stayed together; because, they accpeted each others disasters. They were a nightmare from the second I met her. I knew that life was about to get really hard. I know this skips around, but I am a mess. A BIG BUCKET OF MUDD MESS!! I do not know what to do for the kids, and I sure can not relate to my brother being gone. How do you accept that? Even with faith. The kids are just gone too. The ex tries to turn my brother's kids against me. We are waiting on TOX REPORTS to find out what took place. He did not look like my brother...he died in his bed. He did not feel good. The mixture of something is what did the trick. We know that he talked to his boss at 2pm and we know he stopped snorring at 3pm. The ex found him at 7:45pm. To see that was, I have no words. I have no words for the pain, guilt, wanting her to pay, missing the kids, the funeral, his things, that last BEAR HUG he gave 6 days before his death, (that hug haunts me, I knew that was the last one, there was something just stabbing to my thoughts and emotions that flooded me with that hug) I could see that he was leaving us. I just did not know what to do. I offered rehab as he walked out the door. I was pulling away so it would not hurt so bad. What is wrong with me? I texed him eveyday, but the day he passed. I just did not want to mess with it that one day. Then he DIED!! He was like my baby. I love him and always will in the present tense. I do hope that when GOD is ready for me, I see my brother right away. I do not want to feel this ever again. It scares me to have my kids leave the house. My husband leave the house. When we are all home, what a relief it is. I miss you, BUBBA... I should not have wrote such personal details, but this is TOO MUCH!! My brother would not want me to write this, he just woud not!!! He hated his business out-n-about. Maybe just maybe someone else has a thought to help.

Permalink Reply by marybeth bergin on May 27, 2009 at 4:59am

Hi Cassie- I haven't been on line for a while cause I have been going through my own thing. Five years later my brother left and I fing myself missing him terribly.
But I have learned something. Just sit back and do what you need to do to take care of you. I also know things and they happen we just tend to not listen to ourselves. WHen you sit down and listen what is your tellling you it is your brother telling you to take care of you. then things will fall into place. Now your brother is watching out for you. So take it easy for awhile. You will see your niece and nephew. Just listen. Take care Marybeth

Permalink Reply by Hank on May 27, 2009 at 12:48pm

ouch an intense pain just hit me. My dad was saying how my brother looked up to me. I feel like i let him down, even though i paid for 2 rehabs and constantly offered him jobs and help. We had a tense relationship because of the constant lack of trust, but i loved him dearly and always will. This is so painful How will i even exist a year from now?

Hank

Permalink Reply by Jean on May 27, 2009 at 6:37pm

Oh Hank,

Please do not blame yourself or think that you let your brother down... YOU DID NOT. You could not have prevented this and you did all you could. Have you thought about getting some counseling to get through this, someone who understands the complexities of addiction?

Hank said:

ouch an intense pain just hit me. My dad was saying how my brother looked up to me. I feel like i let him down, even though i paid for 2 rehabs and constantly offered him jobs and help. We had a tense relationship because of the constant lack of trust, but i loved him dearly and always will. This is so painful How will i even exist a year from now?

Hank

Permalink Reply by Jean on May 27, 2009 at 7:18pm

I "lost" my sister about 5 years ago due to a ruptured aneurysm. I say I lost her although she is still alive but not really here. Jamie is now in a nursing home and we don't know if she knows who we are or what is going on. This is the most agonizing thing I have ever had to go through. I grieve every day and it will go on and on and on. There is no end to this and some times wish that god had taken her on that day. She has no life; she is on a feeding tube, does not speak and can move very little. She lies in bed and is completely at the mercy of her care takers. It breaks my heart and I feel some days that this is going to kill me. There is nothing that I can do for her and would give my life if it would be given back to her.

Permalink Reply by Shannon on May 28, 2009 at 1:00am

I just lost my brother Feb. 24th of this year. He was my best friend since birth. He was the youngest of seven & I was the next one up. We were a yr. and a half apart. He and I went through everything together, The oldest were already grown when we were kids, then the next two grew up with their dad, so he and I only had each other with our mother, moving around and growing up with an alcoholic stepfather who was horribly abusive to our mother and us. We were always there for one another. He was in my wedding, and I in his. Our spouses knew that if we were going camping or out for an evening the other was going to be there. It was an unwritten law. Take us or leave us, we were a team! Well my right arm was cut off that faitful Feb. night. He went to the store to get taco fixings, and never came home. A carload of teenagers had pulled out in front of him and he passed them so as not to hit them, it had been raining really hard just before that & he lost control & hit a tree!( By the way, we lived right next door to one another) His wife just had their second child in Nov. of last year and he also has a beautiful three year old daughter. He has a 21 year son who looks just like him. I have never felt pain like this in my life!! The coroner brought him to my house in the van,and I wanted to go be with him, but was told he was not there, he was already at the morgue. I knew he wasnt! I just knew he was there! We had this telepathic thing where we each knew what the other was thinking,or I could think for him to call me & he would. We were so weird like that! I forsaw this whole thing happening two years ago but I always told my husband I thought it was him.,Not my brother! My husband travels alot out of state, so I explained that horrible night in detail to him constantly! So much I drove him crazy! I guess I just wanted you all to know how close we were because I feel like nobody understands my pain! I am soo lost! How do I go on without him? I just cannot grasp the fact that he is really not on this earth! I want to call him, & I cant! I talk a lot to him as if he is here, but then I feel crazy! My stomach hurts, I cry at the drop of a hat! I had to pay for his funeral and pick out his urn for god sake! The flowers by myself! I am soo lost! How do people who are so close to a sibling do this? My poor mom didnt even cry at first. Her precious baby was gone and shes just now letting it out! I know time is helpful,I have read, on grief and grieving which is a great book, but real life sucks! I just want my brother back!

Permalink Reply by sue on May 28, 2009 at 10:22am

Shannon, so sorry for your loss. I lost a 38 year old sister many years ago. I had just spent the week end with her at our little sister wedding and we had so much fun.. I was so grateful for that. I remember how I couldn't swallow and the pain in my body was intense. I have no words of wisdom and this is so raw for you right now. Hang on and take care of yourself. His wife must be dying inside and she probably needs you terribly. It sounds like you are a strong person but this is no contest but it is survival. This is the worst thing to have to go through and maybe you and she can be there for each other now. He would be concerned about them and you too.
I am so sorry you have to go through this. suep

Permalink Reply by Hank on May 28, 2009 at 11:01am

Yes Jean i have in the past had therapy as i've had double addiction (mother-recovered alcohalic and brother-drugs). I am close to returning due to the complexity issues such as are they to blame? is it the drugs? ahhh the agony continues. Thank you Jean.

And Jean i'm so sorry for your sister's situation. The difficulty of that must be hard to describe.

My thought and prayers are with you.

Hank

Permalink Reply by Hank on May 28, 2009 at 11:21am

Shannon i very much can relate. My brother was 2 years younger than me. We grew up together, shared everything. He was like almost a twin. We thought and laughed the same. We were always on the same page about almost everything. I was so close that the pain is unreal. Its like i'm in a movie or something. Two things help for me I have found: 1. hold on tight to the good memories and 2. Faith that i will reunite with him someday. I realize everyone is different with faith and i am not one to impose my beliefs.

Best

Hank

Permalink Reply by Shannon on May 28, 2009 at 1:14pm

Thank you Hank,

It does feel like a movie! Like I am in this really strange place that I cannot find him! The world is just moving right along, and I am not! I do have a lot of faith that we will be together again, because he told me so! Read my blog on the afterlife . I am just so numb, and lost! 44 years with someone who just gets you, is a long time to just be only me! My attention span is still so short, I can't pay attention, my bills are getting paid late because can you imagine! They have the nerve to keep coming in while am grieving! My older sister feels bad , and says well, if you ever feel like calling him, call me! Call her!! I dont want to call HER! I want to call him! She didnt grow up with him, and barely grieved when he died, and now acts like life goes on like usual. Maybe not, or maybe thats how she is coping, but I cant stand it!! Even his wife seems fine! She had a garage sale two weeks ago & sold absolutly everything he owned & that they had together including the furniture, car, my god! My mom said if his soul was floating around, she would have sold that too! She moved out of the home they had next door to me & has started over completely! two months after he dies!! Who does that? They had a rocky marriage of three years so maybe thats how she deals with it. IDK? I just feel like me & my mom are grieving the worst & everyone else has just moved on.

Hank said:

Shannon i very much can relate. My brother was 2 years younger than me. We grew up together, shared everything. He was like almost a twin. We thought and laughed the same. We were always on the same page about almost everything. I was so close that the pain is unreal. Its like i'm in a movie or something. Two things help for me I have found: 1. hold on tight to the good memories and 2. Faith that i will reunite with him someday. I realize everyone is different with faith and i am not one to impose my beliefs.

Best

Hank

Permalink Reply by Hank on May 28, 2009 at 1:25pm

I very much can relate to the difference of grieving within the family. I thought at first my sister was handling it way "too well" but then i realized everyone has a different relationship with that specific person. My brother and I were so close in age and really did everything together till we were 18 basically, and a lot together after age 18. Plus we were so alike in so many ways.........our sense of humor, we talked alike, thought alike i can go on forever.

I was angry at anyone not grieving as i did, but i came to realize a little later that was not right. But i hear you.........definitely. Plus some people are so hurt, but hide there emotions in the first few months.............of which i am not one.

best Hank

Permalink Reply by m.marsh on May 28, 2009 at 4:31pm

Hank said:

I very much can relate to the difference of grieving within the family. I thought at first my sister was handling it way "too well" but then i realized everyone has a different relationship with that specific person. My brother and I were so close in age and really did everything together till we were 18 basically, and a lot together after age 18. Plus we were so alike in so many ways.........our sense of humor, we talked alike, thought alike i can go on forever.

I was angry at anyone not grieving as i did, but i came to realize a little later that was not right. But i hear you.........definitely. Plus some people are so hurt, but hide there emotions in the first few months.............of which i am not one.

best Hank

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