Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by sandy davis on July 13, 2009 at 9:35pm

Effie said:

The last line of your post really got me. I REALLY just want one day...one day making snow forts or building with blocks or a family vacation. Or just talking to my brother. I recently met this sweet guy. I wish I could tell him and hear him laugh at our age difference. He would say, Sis! Is he good to you? Is he honest? Then that's what matters! I would give almost anything for that conversation. I know how you feel.

Nikki Giles said:

I lost my hero/brother last december. I dont really know how to deal with it still. We all knew it was coming for along time...but it all happened sooo soon. When Troy was 2 he was diagnosed with Duchenne's Muscular Dystrophy. Over the years Troy had his ups and downs. He was walking for a long time, until he was about 13.... then was permantly put in a wheelchair. but he never let anything he had going on get him down. Right after troy was put in his chair he had to have a back surgery and was in the hospital for a number of weeks. When he was about 16 ( i was in 8th grade, and he's 2 yrs older than me) there was GOOD news.... or so we thought. We heard about this surgery that could save troy's life and allow him to walk again! Myoblast Transfer Therapy--- we were all sooo excited.. (there are 6 children in our blended family, plus his mom/step-dad and our parents)... only problem at first was the cost... more than 250,000 dollars. plus the FDA had not approved such surgery in the United States, so my parents and brothers were set to go to France to have it done. We did everything we could think of doing. We went to our local wal-mart and asked for donations, we ask for donations from some of the major companies my parents worked with, we held garage and rummage sells, car washes, put adds in the local papers, everything, to get the money to do this for Troy. We ended up with about 1/2 of what we needed to get the surgery done... then we got some horrible news... the Dr. in which was supposed to be doing the surgery, we discovered was a fraud. So we did not end up getting the surgery done. Fast foward 4 years. Troy's fine..he's made it past all the doctor's expectiations. He's now 20!!! and gets put in the hospital for something major for the 1st time! very scary. He's in ICU for over a month... it was heart breaking. one of my sisters and I decided we needed to bring his spirits up... so, we contacted Troy's Favorite football team (Dallas Cowboys, he was actually named after them...and they had granted him a Make-A-When he was 5), we had asked if there was any way that any of the players could make a trip to the hospital to see troy.. unforutantly they were unable to do that, but they did do something that did lift his spirits to the highest to where he got out of icu and go to go home. They sent him all kinds of goodies. an autographed Roy Williams football, cheerleaders poster, a cowboy's bear and sooo much more. It was amazing. Troy ended up getting out of the hospital and going home for about 6 months, went back into the hospital and back home. for 2 years he was in and out of the hospital. the last time he was in there, he told his mom that if he got sick again he did not want to go to the hospital, he wanted to go "home". So in Dec. my brother went "home". I remember getting the call. I had moved out of state and was at work when my dad called me i broke down. I couldnt drive home, my fiance had to come get me from work.. the next day i had to be at work all day and it was one of thehardest day of my life! My fiance and i came home for the funeral-- that was the hardest day of my life. our oldest sister gave a speech, and troy's little brother gave one as well. His mom did do something i had never seen at a funeral before though. We had a balloon release. Everyone there wrote on a piece of paper a memory, or a message to troy and at the cemetary we released over 50 silver and blue balloons (most of which had 3/4 messages on them) to the sky to reach troy.

Now the reason i cant grab a hold of all this is because i feel horrible. When we were little, troy and i were really close... so close that i would sleep in the same bedroom as he did when he was in town to help him. then when we got older, i got a life and didnt talk to him as much as i probably should have and i feel like i let him down. and i dont know if this is normal or not. He was 23 when he passed and i was 21....but can we go back in time when we were teenagers making fun of each other on the way to the high school football games? PLEASE?

Permalink Reply by sandy davis on July 13, 2009 at 9:51pm

nikki, i sure know how you feel. and i agree with the others. i actually was thinking today that my brother surely would want my mom and me to live full and happy lives. he would not like it one little bit when we are upset. the trouble is of course that doesn't always make the horrible pain and loss go away. my brother was such a good person and of course we always knew it but at his funeral service every one said the same thing, they all said they never heard him say a bad thing about another person. some of the men he worked with said they wouldn't be where they were if it were not for him. he took a special interest in an elderly man he worked with and had retired years earlier. i had to tell the gentleman about david's death and he said oh no, mam you just told me my best friend died. it was so sad and yet so touching that david had such an impact on so many people. i saw a saying that said. what a difference one life made. and another that said a life well lived never ends. everything is so bittersweet. but i sure would like to have one more day. we all would. i am so proud to be his sister and i strive to be a better person. he did so many good things and never told a soul. i guess for sure i am better than i was but i can just feel that something is not right even when i am having a fairly good day and i know that really nothing will ever be the same. it has been almost six months and i know i am not doing really great. some i think may be the adjustments i have made since my husband left so soon after my brother's death. i had never lived alone and had to support myself and take care of a house by myself. but i am determined to make it in david's name. i feel like i get some strength from him. but an awful lot of my angst is just the reality of knowing you will never see your loved one again, never get to talk to them, never get to laugh at their jokes. when i cut my grass with my brother's lawn mower it just does something good for me. it is weird. the missing will go on forever and ever and ever. but i do know that it will get better. at least that is what i hear. God help and bless us all with this burden of loss.

Permalink Reply by Effie on July 14, 2009 at 6:19am

Amen to that!

sandy davis said:

nikki, i sure know how you feel. and i agree with the others. i actually was thinking today that my brother surely would want my mom and me to live full and happy lives. he would not like it one little bit when we are upset. the trouble is of course that doesn't always make the horrible pain and loss go away. my brother was such a good person and of course we always knew it but at his funeral service every one said the same thing, they all said they never heard him say a bad thing about another person. some of the men he worked with said they wouldn't be where they were if it were not for him. he took a special interest in an elderly man he worked with and had retired years earlier. i had to tell the gentleman about david's death and he said oh no, mam you just told me my best friend died. it was so sad and yet so touching that david had such an impact on so many people. i saw a saying that said. what a difference one life made. and another that said a life well lived never ends. everything is so bittersweet. but i sure would like to have one more day. we all would. i am so proud to be his sister and i strive to be a better person. he did so many good things and never told a soul. i guess for sure i am better than i was but i can just feel that something is not right even when i am having a fairly good day and i know that really nothing will ever be the same. it has been almost six months and i know i am not doing really great. some i think may be the adjustments i have made since my husband left so soon after my brother's death. i had never lived alone and had to support myself and take care of a house by myself. but i am determined to make it in david's name. i feel like i get some strength from him. but an awful lot of my angst is just the reality of knowing you will never see your loved one again, never get to talk to them, never get to laugh at their jokes. when i cut my grass with my brother's lawn mower it just does something good for me. it is weird. the missing will go on forever and ever and ever. but i do know that it will get better. at least that is what i hear. God help and bless us all with this burden of loss.

Permalink Reply by sandy davis on July 14, 2009 at 6:48pm

today has not been the greatest day but i hope for better ones to come, maybe like tomorrow? i went to the cemetery today to fertilize and water my brother's gravesite. whew!!!! it was rough!! my mom really wants the grass to be pretty. i know she must be thinking, this is the last thing we can do for him. but deep down i know we can do what he wants us to do which is to live well, remember the great times with him and there were many, and just go on living good lives. that is what he would want and that is surely what i will try to do and i am sure my mom will too. but, right now knowing what we should do and being able to do it are two completely different things. but, we will get better in time. my dearly departed (as in walked out on me two months after my bro's death) husband and my two sons i can only imaginethought that i would just snap back the day after the funeral. my oldest son just doesn't have the time of day for me. seems as if he has kinda picked a side in the mom/dad thing going on. my youngest son is doing some better. he has helped me around the house and spent a little time with me. but i know being with dad and his sister is bunches more fun. on the lake, boats, waverunner, pool, pool table, jacuzzi, etc. as the
Jewish mom might say, what am i chopped liver? well, i guess i am just the chopped liver, maybe not even something that good. i guess i am just having a feel sorry for myself kind of day and thank God they don 't come every day or i would be even more of a mess than i am. handling all of this is a bit much and i feel so angry that my husband has caused extra problems for us all. if anyone like my sons or husband went around much they would see how my mom is going down. of course, my mom would rather jump off a building than see my husband. can't say i blame her. you just don't jack around with a mom's kids you know. but she seems so fragile to me and i somedays am more of a burden to her than a help. and it should be the other way around. i should be the one always there for her. she is trying to help me at every turn with things that go wrong with the house. i am trying to handle this without calling on the sons and most certainly not calling the husband. it is a new experience to me and i hate that is having an effect on my mom. all of you guys pray for me and i will pray for you. we all need all the support earthly and heavenly we can get. some of the things i read in my daily grief share emails are so helpful but sometimes they bring tears to my eyes and that is not hard to do on a day such as this. guess what, i AM going to be better tomorrow. i am i am i am. thanks for listening. love and prayers for all of you, sandy
Effie said:

Amen to that!

sandy davis said:

nikki, i sure know how you feel. and i agree with the others. i actually was thinking today that my brother surely would want my mom and me to live full and happy lives. he would not like it one little bit when we are upset. the trouble is of course that doesn't always make the horrible pain and loss go away. my brother was such a good person and of course we always knew it but at his funeral service every one said the same thing, they all said they never heard him say a bad thing about another person. some of the men he worked with said they wouldn't be where they were if it were not for him. he took a special interest in an elderly man he worked with and had retired years earlier. i had to tell the gentleman about david's death and he said oh no, mam you just told me my best friend died. it was so sad and yet so touching that david had such an impact on so many people. i saw a saying that said. what a difference one life made. and another that said a life well lived never ends. everything is so bittersweet. but i sure would like to have one more day. we all would. i am so proud to be his sister and i strive to be a better person. he did so many good things and never told a soul. i guess for sure i am better than i was but i can just feel that something is not right even when i am having a fairly good day and i know that really nothing will ever be the same. it has been almost six months and i know i am not doing really great. some i think may be the adjustments i have made since my husband left so soon after my brother's death. i had never lived alone and had to support myself and take care of a house by myself. but i am determined to make it in david's name. i feel like i get some strength from him. but an awful lot of my angst is just the reality of knowing you will never see your loved one again, never get to talk to them, never get to laugh at their jokes. when i cut my grass with my brother's lawn mower it just does something good for me. it is weird. the missing will go on forever and ever and ever. but i do know that it will get better. at least that is what i hear. God help and bless us all with this burden of loss.

Permalink Reply by Nikki Giles on July 14, 2009 at 7:10pm

Sandy... i'm sorry today has been rough. going to troy's graveside is always hard for me. I tend to stay away from there.. which is sad. but when i do go, i feel like just sitting there and talking to him, like he can speak back to me, or sit there and cry. Again, I'm sure we all know what you're going through... I hope tomorrow is TONS better for you! :) Just remember that your brother would want you to keep your head up and smile!

Permalink Reply by Effie on July 14, 2009 at 8:37pm

My heart is with you Sandy. Ihave my up and down days as well and sometimes on the down days I can't see through to the other side. But somehow in it's won way life has a way of making us happy again. You know the saying..Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the number of moments that take our breath away. Onegood thing can erase weeks of pain. I hope you find that one good thing soon. Take a moment to sit down with you brother and tell him how you feel. And imagine his response. It will sooth your soul. Or rather, he will. Just talk to him. It helps me.

sandy davis said:

today has not been the greatest day but i hope for better ones to come, maybe like tomorrow? i went to the cemetery today to fertilize and water my brother's gravesite. whew!!!! it was rough!! my mom really wants the grass to be pretty. i know she must be thinking, this is the last thing we can do for him. but deep down i know we can do what he wants us to do which is to live well, remember the great times with him and there were many, and just go on living good lives. that is what he would want and that is surely what i will try to do and i am sure my mom will too. but, right now knowing what we should do and being able to do it are two completely different things. but, we will get better in time. my dearly departed (as in walked out on me two months after my bro's death) husband and my two sons i can only imaginethought that i would just snap back the day after the funeral. my oldest son just doesn't have the time of day for me. seems as if he has kinda picked a side in the mom/dad thing going on. my youngest son is doing some better. he has helped me around the house and spent a little time with me. but i know being with dad and his sister is bunches more fun. on the lake, boats, waverunner, pool, pool table, jacuzzi, etc. as the
Jewish mom might say, what am i chopped liver? well, i guess i am just the chopped liver, maybe not even something that good. i guess i am just having a feel sorry for myself kind of day and thank God they don 't come every day or i would be even more of a mess than i am. handling all of this is a bit much and i feel so angry that my husband has caused extra problems for us all. if anyone like my sons or husband went around much they would see how my mom is going down. of course, my mom would rather jump off a building than see my husband. can't say i blame her. you just don't jack around with a mom's kids you know. but she seems so fragile to me and i somedays am more of a burden to her than a help. and it should be the other way around. i should be the one always there for her. she is trying to help me at every turn with things that go wrong with the house. i am trying to handle this without calling on the sons and most certainly not calling the husband. it is a new experience to me and i hate that is having an effect on my mom. all of you guys pray for me and i will pray for you. we all need all the support earthly and heavenly we can get. some of the things i read in my daily grief share emails are so helpful but sometimes they bring tears to my eyes and that is not hard to do on a day such as this. guess what, i AM going to be better tomorrow. i am i am i am. thanks for listening. love and prayers for all of you, sandy
Effie said:

Amen to that!

sandy davis said:

nikki, i sure know how you feel. and i agree with the others. i actually was thinking today that my brother surely would want my mom and me to live full and happy lives. he would not like it one little bit when we are upset. the trouble is of course that doesn't always make the horrible pain and loss go away. my brother was such a good person and of course we always knew it but at his funeral service every one said the same thing, they all said they never heard him say a bad thing about another person. some of the men he worked with said they wouldn't be where they were if it were not for him. he took a special interest in an elderly man he worked with and had retired years earlier. i had to tell the gentleman about david's death and he said oh no, mam you just told me my best friend died. it was so sad and yet so touching that david had such an impact on so many people. i saw a saying that said. what a difference one life made. and another that said a life well lived never ends. everything is so bittersweet. but i sure would like to have one more day. we all would. i am so proud to be his sister and i strive to be a better person. he did so many good things and never told a soul. i guess for sure i am better than i was but i can just feel that something is not right even when i am having a fairly good day and i know that really nothing will ever be the same. it has been almost six months and i know i am not doing really great. some i think may be the adjustments i have made since my husband left so soon after my brother's death. i had never lived alone and had to support myself and take care of a house by myself. but i am determined to make it in david's name. i feel like i get some strength from him. but an awful lot of my angst is just the reality of knowing you will never see your loved one again, never get to talk to them, never get to laugh at their jokes. when i cut my grass with my brother's lawn mower it just does something good for me. it is weird. the missing will go on forever and ever and ever. but i do know that it will get better. at least that is what i hear. God help and bless us all with this burden of loss.

Permalink Reply by sandy davis on July 14, 2009 at 9:03pm

nikki and effie, i can't tell you how much it means and helps to get such kind encouraging words. i know you are both right and i really appreciate the fact that you would take the time to help me out and i promise you both did. i know things will get better. it is just i have a very full plate of heartaches right now. but i will get better and it is so true that just a few good things, even one for that matter, can change things for the better. thanks again to you both for the kind, encouraging words. love, peace and prayers, sandy

Nikki Giles said:

Sandy... i'm sorry today has been rough. going to troy's graveside is always hard for me. I tend to stay away from there.. which is sad. but when i do go, i feel like just sitting there and talking to him, like he can speak back to me, or sit there and cry. Again, I'm sure we all know what you're going through... I hope tomorrow is TONS better for you! :) Just remember that your brother would want you to keep your head up and smile!

Permalink Reply by Hank on July 15, 2009 at 12:07pm

I think i'm slowly realizing the finality of this tragedy. Without a hope in God or some sort of peaceful afterlife, i think it will be difficult for me personally to ever be happy again. It has been almost 16 weeks and i know its "early" as everyone says, but this is so horrible.

There are no words or rationalizations that make this get better. Yes the super intense pain eases after 4 months, but the reality is so cold and harsh.

Hank

Permalink Reply by Joanne A. on July 15, 2009 at 12:45pm

SANDRA said:

I'm still trying to get past the fact that my sister is gone. She killed herself just over three months ago, and I'm not sure how to move on. She was my best friend and now i feel like a big part of who i am is just gone...

Hi Sadra, I am Joanne, I know how you feel as my bro took is life on the 31st of Dec and its just 6months but feels like years that we have not seen him... I think of him every day. He was 35yrs old. Married with two lovely daughters 12 and 6yrs. he and his wife were seperated for two months and she took the kids with her to her parents home..he used to visit but kept on getting hurt by her saying she is not coming back and she wants a new life. They were his life and thats all he wanted, for them to be at home. He was a wonderful dad to them and they loved him so much. He was in such pain that he could not cope..did not want help, just wanted them back. My sis and i cry for him all the time..my parents only son. At times when i think of him i cant breath and feel my legs go weak..He is at Peace now with Jesus and we will see him when we go to Heaven. Thats what we have to live for...to meet them there. Be strong Sandra and God be with you.

Missing You Is Easy,
I Do It Every Day,
Missing You Is a Heartache,
That Never Goes Away.

Permalink Reply by sandy davis on July 15, 2009 at 3:37pm

the reality is almost just too much for the grieving person to comprehend. if you think, never see them again in this world, never talk to this person again, never anything but grief, it is just too much. i am so disappointed that so few people really understand how hurtful and debilitating it is to lose someone who just wasn't supposed to die in the first place. not that support from others would ever "fix" it, it would be nice to just get asked how are you. don't get me wrong, i have a really good bunch of friends and some family who cares but it seems the very ones i need to be supportive tell me to try to think about something else, etc. we learn from every experience and this one is no different. hopefully, i have learned some compassion and hopefully the ability to comfort someone who i love. i am definitely a work in progress. right now, i am pretty much a mess.

Hank said:

I think i'm slowly realizing the finality of this tragedy. Without a hope in God or some sort of peaceful afterlife, i think it will be difficult for me personally to ever be happy again. It has been almost 16 weeks and i know its "early" as everyone says, but this is so horrible.

There are no words or rationalizations that make this get better. Yes the super intense pain eases after 4 months, but the reality is so cold and harsh.

Hank

Permalink Reply by Effie on July 16, 2009 at 7:10am

It's been over two years since my brother and only sibling died suddenly in a car crash. Although my pain is less frequent it is more intense as it is really sinking in after not seeing or hearing or feeling him for so long. It's like "he's really not coming back". Sometimes on the road I see a guy in a pickup truck who looks just like him and I actually wonder for a moment if he really is gone. Maybe it's a horrible mistake. It is a long and life expanding process that probably takes the rest of one's lifetime to try and comprehend. I try hard to stay focused on life and what I'm doing right now, but it's always there. It's "before Alex died and After Alex died", now. And will always be how I measure my life. I am so sorry for your pain. I know that pain so well. It is shattering. All I can say is let yourself feel whatever you need to feel. Dow what you have to do to get through it. And talk to people who really get it. I hope you find moments of peace through this time.

Hank said:

I think i'm slowly realizing the finality of this tragedy. Without a hope in God or some sort of peaceful afterlife, i think it will be difficult for me personally to ever be happy again. It has been almost 16 weeks and i know its "early" as everyone says, but this is so horrible.

There are no words or rationalizations that make this get better. Yes the super intense pain eases after 4 months, but the reality is so cold and harsh.

Hank

Permalink Reply by Nikki Giles on July 16, 2009 at 7:01pm

Sandy, Believe me, i know what you mean about having a platefull of heart break. My fiancee and I called off our wedding not too long ago, I had to move out, so i moved back home to be close to family, in the process loosing my wonderful job that i was doing really well in, my best friend moved to WI, and my other "friends" turned out to be horrible people, not to mention that my dad lost his job and got divorced within a few months of each other, then moved in with me. So I hope and pray things start looking up soon, thats all they can now, right. But through all this, i know it may sound wierd and crazy, but i talk to my animals, my brother was a huge animal lover and thought me that they know when something is bothering you. I can ALWAYS count on my Jack Russell and my Cat!. They have seriously brought me soo far since everything that has happened. they make me smile atleast once a day, so if you dont have any pets, i suggest you get one and just let them love you. its unconditional... i do not have any children though, they are my children! :) i hope to day is better than yesterday for you all!


Hank, I am truly sorry for your loss. It's never easy, yes, the pain does ease up, i'm assuming, but it never goes away. It has only been 7 months since Troy's passing, and there isnt a day that goes by that i dont think about him. Little random things remind me of him. My dad and i will sit here for hours talking about the old day and how Troy had to be a "macho man". I just learned about this site not too long ago, and already its helping me out a ton. Thanks to all you out there willing to take the time and read and reply with your thoughts and comments!!!
sandy davis said:

nikki and effie, i can't tell you how much it means and helps to get such kind encouraging words. i know you are both right and i really appreciate the fact that you would take the time to help me out and i promise you both did. i know things will get better. it is just i have a very full plate of heartaches right now. but i will get better and it is so true that just a few good things, even one for that matter, can change things for the better. thanks again to you both for the kind, encouraging words. love, peace and prayers, sandy

Nikki Giles said:

Sandy... i'm sorry today has been rough. going to troy's graveside is always hard for me. I tend to stay away from there.. which is sad. but when i do go, i feel like just sitting there and talking to him, like he can speak back to me, or sit there and cry. Again, I'm sure we all know what you're going through... I hope tomorrow is TONS better for you! :) Just remember that your brother would want you to keep your head up and smile!

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