Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Victoria Bell on October 2, 2009 at 10:47pm

sandy davis said:

larry, i am so very sorry for your loss. i too lost a brother. i always knew what a great brother he was and he was such a good son to my mom and i learned even more at his funeral. he had so many friends who just absolutely thought the world of him. i worked at his house yesterday and saw the tree stand he died in while hopefully taking in and enjoying nature. i pray so hard that his death was a peaceful one. i wish for you that you had that comfort. i lost an uncle to suicide several years ago and i tell you it is different than other deaths. none are good but dealing with suicide is just different. it is hard to find comfort especially when it is still so raw for you but as effie said it will be a little better. i actually thought for a while that something was wrong with me physically and mentally. i just had never hurt that bad and dealt with that kind of devastation and it really knocked me for a loop. i actually ended up in the emergency room one night after my brother died with lots of physical symptoms but they couldn't find anything wrong. but i almost passed out, dizzy, nauseous, you name it. shortness of breath. and i couldn't quit crying. and i realized later that it was all grief and anxiety. i am not trying to whine but i just want you to know how this extreme grief can affect you in every single way. i just pray to sleep through the night because if you wake up, there is no going back to sleep. only laying there thinking, just thinking, what if. i really hope this site will help you. there are so many nice people who have of course the obvious in common. effie is wonderful. but i would tell you if you have the slightest feeling you need more, seek it through your church, any church. and anyone who doesn't understand that there is a lot, lot, lot to deal with when it comes to a suicide, just doesn't get it. my uncle's children really had a hard time dealing with his death. they were grown at the time and the suicide was over their parent's marriage dissolving. they had guilt which in my opinion they should not have had. again i am sorry for your loss and i hope you eventually find enough peace and comfort to be able to cope. sandy

larry kuykendoll said:

On August 16, 2009 I recieved a phone call that my brother had shot himself, and from that day forward my life have not been the same. My brother was only 23 years old, a soon to be graduate at Devry University and he was in the Airforce Reserve. He is the father of two and he had so much to look forward to but his life was to much for him to handle. It is hard to understand that he will no longer be here. He was a big part of my life because I am twenty two, married with two children as well and our family did everything together. I lost my partner that i went to the parks, zoo, circus, clubs and the friend that i shared thoughts of being intelligent African American Men that planned to make a great impact in society. My life is distorted by this tragic event. I continue reading other people posts and i can't believe the pain of seeing my brother's blood and lifeless body will hurt from this day on. I seek counsling but i think they don't understand. I just don't know what to do anymore without my big brother Miles. Most people that went to the funeral seem to be moving on with their lives while i am stuck with severe pain. I try to reach certain people and discuss suicide but some people I encounter are ignorant and don't care to much because they believe suicide does not play a role in the Black community so i am hoping to spread the awareness that anyone fall under depression and could result to suicide. I can't sleep or think right. I manage to take the time to write this post because I am hoping I can connect with someone close to my age with a similiar story and we can help one another.
My warrior, My brother, My best friends has recently touched base with his Guardian Angel.
I Love you Miles Kuykendoll
Chicago IL,

Permalink Reply by Victoria Bell on October 2, 2009 at 11:42pm

Dear Larry,I am so sorry you have to walk through this phase of your life without your big brother,your pal,your confidant,your friend.It is hard,it,s comfusing and so many questions unanswered.Sometimes you are in a room full of people and yet you feel alone.Usually after the burial everybody goes back to thier normal lives while your lives(the immediate family) will never be normal in the way it used to be.Family and friends mean well,they worry about you,they want you to get on with living.They don,t always understand.Sometimes it takes a while to move on mentally ,though you are moving physically.I'm a witness you will get through it,I don't think we ever get over but we do get through it.Just keep getting up putting one foot in front of the other one,and one day you'll realize the pain is not as raw as it once was. There are places only God can carry you through.Allow yourself to feel the pain,cry but don,t stop speaking out.Tell his story,and yours.It will help you and if you can help someone else,you will have made a difference for you, him and both your families.Remember the children will be looking to you for help.You look to God.Remember the great times,keep him alive,remember no one can take away the love or your thought of him.He lives on in Your heart.Don't let suicide be the last or only memory. I would love to speak to you one on one."And let us not get weary in well doing,we will reap a harvest if we faint not"Galatians 6:9. Praying you through.

Permalink Reply by Victoria Bell on October 3, 2009 at 12:40am

Victoria Bell said:

Dear Larry,I am so sorry you have to walk through this phase of your life without your big brother,your pal,your confidant,your friend.It is hard,it,s comfusing and so many questions unanswered.Sometimes you are in a room full of people and yet you feel alone.Usually after the burial everybody goes back to thier normal lives while your lives(the immediate family) will never be normal in the way it used to be.Family and friends mean well,they worry about you,they want you to get on with living.They don,t always understand.Sometimes it takes a while to move on mentally ,though you are moving physically.I'm a witness you will get through it,I don't think we ever get over but we do get through it.Just keep getting up putting one foot in front of the other one,and one day you'll realize the pain is not as raw as it once was. There are places only God can carry you through.Allow yourself to feel the pain,cry but don,t stop speaking out.Tell his story,and yours.It will help you and if you can help someone else,you will have made a difference for you, him and both your families.Remember the children will be looking to you for help.You look to God.Remember the great times,keep him alive,remember no one can take away the love or your thought of him.He lives on in Your heart.Don't let suicide be the last or only memory. I would love to speak to you one on one."And let us not get weary in well doing,we will reap a harvest if we faint not"Galatians 6:9. Praying you through.

Permalink Reply by Effie on October 3, 2009 at 7:56am

Dear Larry, (Meaning no disrespect to anyone and their beliefs, honestly and truly!!!) I just want to offer that no matter if you are religious or not you will find hope here on this message board. I am agnostic myself and there are people of all sorts who post here. So Larry no matter what you believe in, the common thread that connects us all is our undying love for those we lost too soon. I loved what Victoria said about not letting the suicide be your strongest memory of Miles. So incredibly true!! And sometimes hard to do...I had never seen a dead body before my brother died. For a while after I saw him like that it was all I could bring up in my head when I thought of Alex, my only brother. My baby brother. But have since been reminded that he was so much more than his end. As was your brother Miles. That one moment does not define him, or you. I say that because I have been there myself. One other thing that might bring some perspective, when you first start the process of healing you may feel shattered. It's normal and it will get better with time. So much of our identities are based on our relationship(s) with our siblings. When they die, it feels like part of us is dead too. We don't quite know who we are anymore when they are gone. didn't know who I was anymore after Alex wasn't there to be my brother. SOomuch of who I still am, is Alex's big sis. I still have trouble with that. It's been over two years since he passed. I think this is going to be a very very very long road. But in the end, one that will lead me back to him. You will see Miles again. But until then, live truly, madly and deeply. If for nothing else, do it for him. My thoughts are with you Larry. And all of us who walk this path. At least we can walk it together.

Permalink Reply by sandy davis on October 5, 2009 at 11:25pm

larry, don't expect too much too soon from yourself. in my experience, it just absolutely does not happen quickly. and i am just guessing that absolutely nothing will ever ever be the same. the objective i guess is to cope and function the best you can. i do get daily emails from grief share and in them are explanations for some of the feelings that prior to now have been foreign and not the least bit understandable. i will never stop missing my brother. last thursday working at his house i saw the tree stand he was sitting in when he died. it took my breath away. i stood and just looked at it and then touched it. i wanted to get some sort of feeling from my brother like he might could contact me but it didn't happen. i have dreamed about him only once in eight months. it was a good dream. even though i didn't feel anything when i touched the tree stand, i feel he has given me great strength and determination to manage when my husband left me two months after my brother's death. i know i could not possibly have managed to cope with all of this alone. although my friends, family, etc. have been great, it is like i am getting some help from david. i sure do know i miss him and i always always will. i am so sad to think how much i dread the holidays because he really would not want it to be that way. between him being gone and my husband having left, the holidays will not be too merry this year. but it is a short time in the big picture and i know i will be fine. my sons are in a bad spot trying to not pick a side. one son has distanced himself from me and i can only guess there must be some good reason, i just don't know what it is. i did not ask their dad to move out, he did that all on his own. perhaps my sons are humiliated by their dad's choices. husband=mad, brother=sad.

larry kuykendoll said:

On August 16, 2009 I recieved a phone call that my brother had shot himself, and from that day forward my life have not been the same. My brother was only 23 years old, a soon to be graduate at Devry University and he was in the Airforce Reserve. He is the father of two and he had so much to look forward to but his life was to much for him to handle. It is hard to understand that he will no longer be here. He was a big part of my life because I am twenty two, married with two children as well and our family did everything together. I lost my partner that i went to the parks, zoo, circus, clubs and the friend that i shared thoughts of being intelligent African American Men that planned to make a great impact in society. My life is distorted by this tragic event. I continue reading other people posts and i can't believe the pain of seeing my brother's blood and lifeless body will hurt from this day on. I seek counsling but i think they don't understand. I just don't know what to do anymore without my big brother Miles. Most people that went to the funeral seem to be moving on with their lives while i am stuck with severe pain. I try to reach certain people and discuss suicide but some people I encounter are ignorant and don't care to much because they believe suicide does not play a role in the Black community so i am hoping to spread the awareness that anyone fall under depression and could result to suicide. I can't sleep or think right. I manage to take the time to write this post because I am hoping I can connect with someone close to my age with a similiar story and we can help one another.
My warrior, My brother, My best friends has recently touched base with his Guardian Angel.
I Love you Miles Kuykendoll
Chicago IL,

Permalink Reply by Chris on October 8, 2009 at 1:01am

I lost my little brother about 3 months ago, he was just about to turn 18. I feel like whenever I'm not upset about it I'm just hiding from it or forgetting and then I remember and it crushes me. This is so unbelievably difficult I don't even know what to say or do anymore.

Permalink Reply by SUE on October 8, 2009 at 1:51am

As yet another anniversary looms around the corner, I find myself once again in search of others like me,.... survivors. I mean who else could possibly understand.
My only brother, no note,no warning,no nothing...At first, I couldnt breath,couldnt stop crying,no control.I was never so lost, so vulnerable, so helpless...
I stumbled upon a website,its was 1000 deaths...a forum hopefully much like this one. It kept me sane, when I knew I was losing it. I mean I do not know if I could of ever really made it without the help and the sharing I found on that board.
Skip this paragraph if you need to,
(GRAPHIC)
(( My loss is not recent, my brother Steve has been gone almost 7 years. He hung himself in the dark and dirty hallway of his crappy apt building. He was found by some poor tenant of that place, dead for who knows how long? A day, hours ? The coroner said he appeared to have tried it more than once,...the belt broke, the extention cord didnt..My poor brother,he had another chance...))

We spoke 2 days earlier, he called bck late that night, I rolled over in my bed, saw his number and said...oh its just my brother if its important he'll leave a message.........

And there it is the guilt, and with suicide, there will always be the guilt mixed with the loss and it is haunting..
My good friend/ stepmother of 21 years was murdered just 9 months before my brothers death. Her killer than killed himself....I miss them both my brother Steve and Kay.
If I can possibly help anyone here, or if anyone needs an ear, shoulder...
Sue

Permalink Reply by Effie on October 8, 2009 at 3:42am

I blew off one of the last calls my brother made to me, with the same though, oh it's just Alex, I'll chat with him when I get the chance...then he was gone. I will never get another call. It will haunt me the rest of my days. I know he would have forgiven me. But I cannot forgive myself. I'm with you all in spirit.

SUE said:

As yet another anniversary looms around the corner, I find myself once again in search of others like me,.... survivors. I mean who else could possibly understand.
My only brother, no note,no warning,no nothing...At first, I couldnt breath,couldnt stop crying,no control.I was never so lost, so vulnerable, so helpless...
I stumbled upon a website,its was 1000 deaths...a forum hopefully much like this one. It kept me sane, when I knew I was losing it. I mean I do not know if I could of ever really made it without the help and the sharing I found on that board.
Skip this paragraph if you need to,
(GRAPHIC)
(( My loss is not recent, my brother Steve has been gone almost 7 years. He hung himself in the dark and dirty hallway of his crappy apt building. He was found by some poor tenant of that place, dead for who knows how long? A day, hours ? The coroner said he appeared to have tried it more than once,...the belt broke, the extention cord didnt..My poor brother,he had another chance...))

We spoke 2 days earlier, he called bck late that night, I rolled over in my bed, saw his number and said...oh its just my brother if its important he'll leave a message.........

And there it is the guilt, and with suicide, there will always be the guilt mixed with the loss and it is haunting..
My good friend/ stepmother of 21 years was murdered just 9 months before my brothers death. Her killer than killed himself....I miss them both my brother Steve and Kay.
If I can possibly help anyone here, or if anyone needs an ear, shoulder...
Sue

Permalink Reply by sandy davis on October 8, 2009 at 5:43pm

chris, i know exactly exactly how you feel. the hiding is only very temporary. my younger brother passed away eight months ago and as a bit of encouragement, it has gotten a little better. however, there are times when it just hits me so out of the blue like a tidal wave and getting back up is never easy. it has been the hardest thing i have ever gone through in my life. i don't know if you have a support system but even if you do, you may have experienced some of the same feelings i have. people just don't realize how this sticks with you and i am guessing never gets a whole lot better. my husband chose two months after we buried my brother to walk out on me. we weren't getting along great but i sure could have used a time out on the marital problems and some support during this time like i had given him when he had to deal with a death on his side of the family. guess it may be better to know what i now know. however, you would think i might would have deserved a little bit better after 37 years of marriage. i don't think my brother was ever too crazy about my husband and of course, he was a good judge of character. lots of wasted years, but i will do okay if for no other reason but for the memory and honor of my brother. that is off the subject but unfortunately it is a key factor for me and my recovery from this loss. i feel so much for everyone who has lost a sister or brother. they were our buds when we were kids and so so much more to us. i pray for us all that we can find some peace and comfort. my brother was 53 and i realize that is not young, but it surely isn't that old especially when he was my younger brother. so many people just really don't understand and i would never want anyone to learn this like i and so many others have. we must never lose hope that things will get better for us. prayer and church are helpful and i do recommend them to all. love and prayers to all who have lost a brother or sister. sandy

Chris said:

I lost my little brother about 3 months ago, he was just about to turn 18. I feel like whenever I'm not upset about it I'm just hiding from it or forgetting and then I remember and it crushes me. This is so unbelievably difficult I don't even know what to say or do anymore.

Permalink Reply by SUE on October 8, 2009 at 9:29pm

Thankyou Effie,
My brother died Thanksgiving weekend ( this coming weekend in Canada), also my anniversary, needless to say these *special*days dont mean to me what they should.Instead I dread them, I feel sorry for my husband,my family, myself...
I look around at the trees in their brilliance, the colours, the richness, I remember my last talk with him, his voice still on my recorder, and I ask myself, why? He was only 38.
His ashes are with me, still in need of the final resting place...even after 7 years I still havent figured that one out...maby I just want him with me always,
Sue



Effie said:

I blew off one of the last calls my brother made to me, with the same though, oh it's just Alex, I'll chat with him when I get the chance...then he was gone. I will never get another call. It will haunt me the rest of my days. I know he would have forgiven me. But I cannot forgive myself. I'm with you all in spirit.

SUE said:

As yet another anniversary looms around the corner, I find myself once again in search of others like me,.... survivors. I mean who else could possibly understand.
My only brother, no note,no warning,no nothing...At first, I couldnt breath,couldnt stop crying,no control.I was never so lost, so vulnerable, so helpless...
I stumbled upon a website,its was 1000 deaths...a forum hopefully much like this one. It kept me sane, when I knew I was losing it. I mean I do not know if I could of ever really made it without the help and the sharing I found on that board.
Skip this paragraph if you need to,
(GRAPHIC)
(( My loss is not recent, my brother Steve has been gone almost 7 years. He hung himself in the dark and dirty hallway of his crappy apt building. He was found by some poor tenant of that place, dead for who knows how long? A day, hours ? The coroner said he appeared to have tried it more than once,...the belt broke, the extention cord didnt..My poor brother,he had another chance...))

We spoke 2 days earlier, he called bck late that night, I rolled over in my bed, saw his number and said...oh its just my brother if its important he'll leave a message.........

And there it is the guilt, and with suicide, there will always be the guilt mixed with the loss and it is haunting..
My good friend/ stepmother of 21 years was murdered just 9 months before my brothers death. Her killer than killed himself....I miss them both my brother Steve and Kay.
If I can possibly help anyone here, or if anyone needs an ear, shoulder...
Sue

Permalink Reply by AIMEE on October 12, 2009 at 2:13pm

i felt like i lost my only supporter when my brother died we grew up in an inviroment that is so horrid i cant speak of it at the moment i hace never stopped having nightmares of our childhood and i think of him every day some days it is so hard not to join him he was so strong and i always leaned on him never thinking of how he may have needed someone to lean on too i am often lonely i have other siblings but he is the only one i share a father with the others are halfs from my mothers several marriages i suppose im just looking for a place to talk in between therapy

Permalink Reply by Shannon on October 12, 2009 at 8:36pm

sandy davis said:

chris, i know exactly exactly how you feel. the hiding is only very temporary. my younger brother passed away eight months ago and as a bit of encouragement, it has gotten a little better. however, there are times when it just hits me so out of the blue like a tidal wave and getting back up is never easy. it has been the hardest thing i have ever gone through in my life. i don't know if you have a support system but even if you do, you may have experienced some of the same feelings i have. people just don't realize how this sticks with you and i am guessing never gets a whole lot better. my husband chose two months after we buried my brother to walk out on me. we weren't getting along great but i sure could have used a time out on the marital problems and some support during this time like i had given him when he had to deal with a death on his side of the family. guess it may be better to know what i now know. however, you would think i might would have deserved a little bit better after 37 years of marriage. i don't think my brother was ever too crazy about my husband and of course, he was a good judge of character. lots of wasted years, but i will do okay if for no other reason but for the memory and honor of my brother. that is off the subject but unfortunately it is a key factor for me and my recovery from this loss. i feel so much for everyone who has lost a sister or brother. they were our buds when we were kids and so so much more to us. i pray for us all that we can find some peace and comfort. my brother was 53 and i realize that is not young, but it surely isn't that old especially when he was my younger brother. so many people just really don't understand and i would never want anyone to learn this like i and so many others have. we must never lose hope that things will get better for us. prayer and church are helpful and i do recommend them to all. love and prayers to all who have lost a brother or sister. sandy

Chris said:

I lost my little brother about 3 months ago, he was just about to turn 18. I feel like whenever I'm not upset about it I'm just hiding from it or forgetting and then I remember and it crushes me. This is so unbelievably difficult I don't even know what to say or do anymore.

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