Grief support: Share your story and learn from others about coping with the loss of a sibling.

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Maria Avilez Wright                Comment by Maria Avilez Wright 9 hours ago           
 
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In 2006 we lost my sister Imelda, she just turned 50. She had a drinking problem and we all knew she was in poor health. Imelda and her husband were sleeping in separate bedrooms and the time of death could not be determand. She was the first of 10 sibling to die in our family. One year later we lost our dad, but he was sick and we were prepared and knew he had a long life. This December 30 2011 we lost our baby sister Patti. This was the second sister we lost and we were all with her until her last breath in the ICU. Patti had a fatty liver and never took it serious and had so many problem in her life that she started drinking and it eventually took her life. After one failed marriage due to her husband cheating she went into a high risk marriage to get over a broken heart. Her second husband was a rock n roll has been that never grew up. Patti was a sucker for a lost cause and wanted to change a heavy metal tattoed skull loving boy into a family man. Patti had two children, Lee had two children and than they had two together. At first everything went great until their own children came and all hell broke loose. After the divorce Lee had so much anger towards Patti than turned the son against her and kept the children away from her this past Christmas. She tried to see them on Monday and Lee said no, than on Tuesday morning and Lee said come back later and Patti went to get them Tuesday night and spent little time with them. Wednesday morning she got sick and went into the hospital and never recovered and past away on Friday morning at 12:43 AM while we were all with her. We all stayed at the hospital for the next two days until her final moment. I am working through my grief and also anger towards Lee. Not only did he not help out with the funeral cost but had the nerve to ask her 18 year old son if she left any assets the could split at the burial. He waited no time to file SSI and couldn't under stand why we didn't want his 17 year old daughter to see Patti on life support. Lee lost his mother when he was young and that only made him bitter and now he continues to lash out at my little sister. Patti was so full of life and when I see her belonging I still think she is still with us. She left her storage under my name and I had to separate the children's things from hers and repack the rest. I prayed to God for wisdom and help me get through heart breaking task. When I opened the first box I found a children's book that read "Peace at Last" with Winnie the Pooh sitting on a couch. I know she is in God arms resting and she is part of God's plan but my heart is breaking and I can't stop crying . Most of the people around me are tired of seeing me cry all the time. I have to cry at night when my husband is sleeping so I don't stess him out. My grief counsler is so helpful, I have so much memory loss and I think I am loosing my mind. Patti had so many problems and always called me sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. I now realize it was a symptom of her liver diesese and her mood swings were also part of it. I missed her last phone call on Tuesday afternoon and I didn't return her call because I was going to see her the next day that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I hate to sleep because when I first wake up, I keep thinking it was a bad dream and than I realize it's not and than I relive it all over again. I now put Patti's picture on everything so I can always see her beautiful face and I carry her in my heavy heart. I know I will see her again but for now I am falling apart.

Dear Maria ..  I am so very sorry for your losses and I give you my condolences.  My dear girl, you were obviously a loving and caring caregiver and for that you should be proud of yourself.  Don't beat yourself up that you did not contact your sister the day before you were to see her as there was a reason for it.  You are much loved by your sisters.  Grieving for all of us is a tough journey and at first you feel your heart will never mend, but ever so slowly it does and although there are different lengths of time for each of us to grieve for our loved ones times does heal to a degree.  We will never forget them and we will continuing to go over memories of the relationship we had with our loved one which is natural and a good thing so that person will never be forgotten.  Although they have passed away we should be thankful for the wonderful memories we had with them even though some memories were not so good, but you knew your sisters well and knew what beautiful hearts they had while going through their bad health.  Never let anyone tell you when you should and shouldn't grieve.  I lost my husband Ernie April 27, 2011 from pancreatic cancer and I still can cry without warning as he was the love of my life for 45 years and I was married to him for almost 39 years.  I am getting a bit stronger, but still have some nightmares and as you mentioned you think it's just a bad dream when you wake up in the mornings and realize it isn't.  When my family was around me, I would have 'shower cries' ... have a shower and cry my eyes out.  You are stronger than you think so pour your heart out to all of us because we'll be there to help all we can. Lean on us!

 

God Bless

Marcy

Dear Emily ...  I am so sorry your brother passed away and although it helps little I do offer my condolences and feel your pain as my husband Ernie passed away from pancreatic cancer April 27, 2011.  I felt like I had let him down because there was nothing I could do for him.  He was also an Agnostic and I am a Christian, but we respected each other's views.  Agnostics or Christians as long as one knows there is someone out there greater than themselves (Supreme Being) then it's faith.  Seek out Grief Counseling because it does help and lean on us on this forum and say what is in your heart because sometimes that is what helps the most and none of us are here to judge each other.  Perhaps see a Minister or whoever you wish and ask questions.  What you are going through is normal grieving and there is no required time for an individual and we are all different when it comes to how long we grieve.  Our worlds are turned upside down; we can get angry at the person who passed away; angry at God (if you believe in Him) or try so hard to find someone to blame and there is always that 'why him/her' and that question will never be answered.  Time heals slowly and by remembering the good memories we are keep our loved one alive.  I still cry; sometimes wake up thinking it's all a bad dream.  I can be washing dishes or doing something else and burst out crying which sometimes surprises me, but as the days go by and I surround myself with family and friends it makes things a tiny bit easier. No one can tell you for sure how long you feel the way you do, but think of how your brother would want you to be about him since his death.  Sometimes this helps.  I believe one day we will see the people we love when we pass away ourselves.  For some reason it is just not our time and we need to take tiny steps forward until we can function properly.  Cry; get angry and feel as you want because crying and even anger at this point can help the body revive.  

 

Hugs

Marcy    
 
Emily W said:

I want to know how people who do not have religion deal with such things.  I have nothing against any religion, I just simply have never took part in any one in particular.  I've always claimed agnostic, there has to be SOMETHING.  This month, on the 25, it will have been 2 months since my brother's death.  I still break down frequently, I get upset daily, and random pictures/songs/ things upset me more than I would have ever expected.  I still get angry that he's gone.  Upset at family, it feels that one person acts like they are the only one that lost someone.  I know this is just me trying to find someone or something to point my anger at, but it still hurts.  Some days I wake up and I'm convinced that all of this is fake.  That I'm going to call my brother, or text him, or send him a message on Facebook and he's going to write me back.  I'm just wondering, how long does this last?  Is this how I'm supposed to feel?

I love you little brother!

Thank you for your kind words. People around me don't know what to say anymore because I can't past the crying stage. I am missing her phone calls and when I do hear the phone ring I get excited than I remember "Oh it can't be Patti" than the water works start all over. I am sorry for your loss of your husband, I to was a widow at 34 and had to raise a 10 year old daughter alone.I lost my husband in 1998 and I was so lost with out my husband because we did everything together. We had 13 wonderful years and I never left his side from the time he relapse. Paul was going into his 5 year of being cancer free and we were so happy, that didn't last for long. Than in 2000 I remarried a high school classmate and had two more children (2 girls) so I know God has a plan for all of us. I am reading the bible alot and I pray alot because I am working on letting go of my anger towards the people that were so hurtful towards my little sister. God bless you and thank you again for your healing words.

Maria
 
Marcy Dawn Maday said:

Dear Maria ..  I am so very sorry for your losses and I give you my condolences.  My dear girl, you were obviously a loving and caring caregiver and for that you should be proud of yourself.  Don't beat yourself up that you did not contact your sister the day before you were to see her as there was a reason for it.  You are much loved by your sisters.  Grieving for all of us is a tough journey and at first you feel your heart will never mend, but ever so slowly it does and although there are different lengths of time for each of us to grieve for our loved ones times does heal to a degree.  We will never forget them and we will continuing to go over memories of the relationship we had with our loved one which is natural and a good thing so that person will never be forgotten.  Although they have passed away we should be thankful for the wonderful memories we had with them even though some memories were not so good, but you knew your sisters well and knew what beautiful hearts they had while going through their bad health.  Never let anyone tell you when you should and shouldn't grieve.  I lost my husband Ernie April 27, 2011 from pancreatic cancer and I still can cry without warning as he was the love of my life for 45 years and I was married to him for almost 39 years.  I am getting a bit stronger, but still have some nightmares and as you mentioned you think it's just a bad dream when you wake up in the mornings and realize it isn't.  When my family was around me, I would have 'shower cries' ... have a shower and cry my eyes out.  You are stronger than you think so pour your heart out to all of us because we'll be there to help all we can. Lean on us!

 

God Bless

Marcy

Hi Maria ...

 

It was wonderful to hear from you,  Oh my, you have so many loses of loved ones so you must have great faith in God and are stronger for it.  They say God never gives us more than we can handle.  I pray too, but sometimes I get frustrated and still ask God why he had to take my Ernie.  I am so sorry to hear about your husband Paul and now you are dealing with the loss of your sisters.  I find that unless some people who have never gone through such a loss or loses just don't understand, but it will happen sooner or later to all of them.  My rough time is around 4:20 PM when my Ernie would come home for dinner and I still expect him to come through the door and like you, realize that is impossible.  Crying is good for the soul and that is why God gave us tears.  There are other times I thank God for the years that I had with Ernie and that is most than some people have.

 

Stay strong; cry when you feel like it and ignore those that try to stop you from expressing your grief.

 

God Bless

Marcy 

It's 1:30am I'm crying my brother has been gone since January 27, 2012. I can't go through the day without missing him I think of him every mOment my mind isn't busy. I have so many mixed emotions. I wish I could tell him I love him. I hurt so much to think his pain was so unbearable he no longer wanted to live. I know I'm suppose to get back into society and continue to live my life but it is so hard for me I don't want to do anything. I go back to work tomorrow & I'm scared to have anyone ask me anything because I don't want to keep relieving the pain of that day when it seems like I'm making progress to accept he is no longer here. I have more memories of my life with him than with anyone else. 


Hi Crystal ...

 

Strangely enough I have been having a good cry tonight and my husband Ernie passed in April of 2011.  I had a girlfriend over this evening (Saturday night) and felt fine while she was here, but as soon as she went home my mind wandered back to the one I loved ... Ernie.  I feel so alone; my heart hurts and I feel as if half my soul is gone.  I understand your pain and it is a real roller coaster ride.  It is normal to feel the way you do.  Some people where you work may offer their condolences, but some will go on with their job as they did before your brother passed away.  If you feel you can't hold it together every so often at work then simply go to the washroom for a break or, ask your boss if you could start of gradually at work; perhaps half days.  If you have a good boss and coworkers they will understand.  Although we never forget our loved ones we have to try and get on with life and eventually (in your own time as every individual is different regarding grieving) things will get better.  I honestly believe our loved ones are watching over us.  It may help if you get a locket and put a picture of your brother in it to remind you he is near; close to your heart and you should find strength from that.

 

God Bless

Marcy

It's 1:30am I'm crying my brother has been gone since January 27, 2012. I can't go through the day without missing him I think of him every mOment my mind isn't busy. I have so many mixed emotions. I wish I could tell him I love him. I hurt so much to think his pain was so unbearable he no longer wanted to live. I know I'm suppose to get back into society and continue to live my life but it is so hard for me I don't want to do anything. I go back to work tomorrow & I'm scared to have anyone ask me anything because I don't want to keep relieving the pain of that day when it seems like I'm making progress to accept he is no longer here. I have more memories of my life with him than with anyone else. 

Hi Crystal,

 

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother.  My sister died by suicide just over 4 months ago, she was 31.  There is nothing anyone can say to make it better for you.  But I have to tell you that in my experience, time does help to heal.  I always thought that was just a cliche but it's true.  At first I was absolutely crushed & couldn't really function & all I thought about was my sister and the way she died, but now that these months have passed I've found that time just keeps going and I've been able to carry on.  I still have bad days and think about her at least 100 times a day, every day, but it's getting easier.  She was my best friend as well as my sister & I will always miss her and always be sad that she's gone.  There's nothing anyone can do about it so I've learned I just have to accept it and try to remember the good times.  I was extremely angry with my sister for a couple of months but have moved past that now too.  I'm sure your friends and family are there to support you and it really helped me to talk to a grief counsellor as well.  I found that I enjoyed working and doing the mundane tasks that fill my normal life so that I didn't think about her while I was doing those things.  Grief is terrible & healing is a life long journey. I will never "get over" my sisters death but all I can do is live my own life and be thankful that I can focus on the good and be happy despite the bad things that happen in life.  I hope that you find healing and peace even quicker then I did.  Continue to post on this board as their are many kind & loving people on here and also, go see a grief counsellor, like I said,  I found that talking to someone in person really was helpful.  I wish you all the best and will always be here if you need to talk.  I know all too well that grieving for someone who died from suicide is very complicated.   

 

Sincerely,

Elaine

My name is Liz and I just found this website.  My dear beloved sister Cathy passed away suddenly on January 17th.  Her youngest daughter came home from school and found her on the couch.  The only consolation is that it seems like she layed down to take a nap, even put a quilt on her, and never woke up. But beyond that there is no other consolation to be found.  I cannot bear to think of her daughter being alone and finding her like that.  She has three children, a son who is 27 and married, a daughter who is 25 and lives at home and then the 18 year old.  They are just lost.  Cathy's poor husband is so bereft that I worry about his health.  Cathy had health issues, but nothing that seemed imminent.  She was full of vim and vigor just the day before when we spoke and texted each other all day long.  The morning of th 17th, she saw her husband and two daughters off to work and school, everything seemed fine.  Cathy was my only sibling and our parents died 9 months apart 6 years ago.  I am married without children but am very close and always have been to Cathy's children.  I feel like the foundation that my life was built upon is just gone.  I am surrounded by family and friends, but I feel so alone.  I have been spending most of my free time with her family in Brooklyn.  I live about an hour away which seems like a million miles sometimes.  Cathy and I were as close as two people could be our whole lives.  We grew up sharing a bedroom and doing everything together.  She was my big sister, my protector and best friend.  We spoke several times a day every day.  Her youngest daughter is a senior in high school and this is such an important year for her.  She will graduate in June, she has her prom coming up that her mom should be there to help her get ready for, she has all her college applications in and is awaiting her acceptance letters.  It's so hard to imagine getting through all of this without her mother there.  We, of course, will, but it will be such a struggle.  The only thing keeping my sanity is focusing on all of them.  Her poor husband just called me to wish me a Happy Valentines Day because he does not have his wife at home to say it to.  I am sitting here at work as I type this and it is all I can do to not burst into tears.  I have a hard time imagining the future now that she is gone.  I try to keep moving so I don't dwell too much, but you can't run forever.  I had a melt down last night when I went up to bed.  My husband doesn't even know it because he was downstairs watching tv.  He was very very close to Cathy too.  He is trying his best to help me through this, but what can he do or say?  I am glad I found this site and hope I can find some solace here.

 

Liz

We are here for a very short time, I lost my sister Patti in December 30, 2011 and I am having such a hard time taking it all in. We have many milestones in life that we count on each other to celebrate these moments. It took my 5 year old to make me understand that God has a plan for all of us and one day it will make sense. For now we have to have complete faith in him and know that God doen not lie, he has made a promise to all of us and when we lash out and get angry or question it, it is satan who is always behind it.When we are empty, all we need to do is ask God to fill our vessels like the widow in II Kings 4:1-7 As long as we admitt our emptyness and ask God to help fill our vessels he will and than some. I am going through a grief class at our church and I am seeing that I am not loosing my mind. I have submerged my self in our church and have volenteered for other things that needed attention at our church. My sister left behind a 7 year old daughter and a 10 year old son and their father had a lot to do with her down fall . He is angry and bitter and is planing on using the kids as a gravy train to get money from us. This is too big for me and far bigger than any one can fix. It will take a higher power to turn this around for us.

Please turn to the bible and read read and read some more and that is what has gotten me through this sad situation.

Maria Wright


 
Liz Reilly said:

My name is Liz and I just found this website.  My dear beloved sister Cathy passed away suddenly on January 17th.  Her youngest daughter came home from school and found her on the couch.  The only consolation is that it seems like she layed down to take a nap, even put a quilt on her, and never woke up. But beyond that there is no other consolation to be found.  I cannot bear to think of her daughter being alone and finding her like that.  She has three children, a son who is 27 and married, a daughter who is 25 and lives at home and then the 18 year old.  They are just lost.  Cathy's poor husband is so bereft that I worry about his health.  Cathy had health issues, but nothing that seemed imminent.  She was full of vim and vigor just the day before when we spoke and texted each other all day long.  The morning of th 17th, she saw her husband and two daughters off to work and school, everything seemed fine.  Cathy was my only sibling and our parents died 9 months apart 6 years ago.  I am married without children but am very close and always have been to Cathy's children.  I feel like the foundation that my life was built upon is just gone.  I am surrounded by family and friends, but I feel so alone.  I have been spending most of my free time with her family in Brooklyn.  I live about an hour away which seems like a million miles sometimes.  Cathy and I were as close as two people could be our whole lives.  We grew up sharing a bedroom and doing everything together.  She was my big sister, my protector and best friend.  We spoke several times a day every day.  Her youngest daughter is a senior in high school and this is such an important year for her.  She will graduate in June, she has her prom coming up that her mom should be there to help her get ready for, she has all her college applications in and is awaiting her acceptance letters.  It's so hard to imagine getting through all of this without her mother there.  We, of course, will, but it will be such a struggle.  The only thing keeping my sanity is focusing on all of them.  Her poor husband just called me to wish me a Happy Valentines Day because he does not have his wife at home to say it to.  I am sitting here at work as I type this and it is all I can do to not burst into tears.  I have a hard time imagining the future now that she is gone.  I try to keep moving so I don't dwell too much, but you can't run forever.  I had a melt down last night when I went up to bed.  My husband doesn't even know it because he was downstairs watching tv.  He was very very close to Cathy too.  He is trying his best to help me through this, but what can he do or say?  I am glad I found this site and hope I can find some solace here.

 

Liz

I'm not sure if sharing will help me. I've tried it before... My brother died in august of 2010 8 days after his birthday of a drug overdose... He was truly one of my best friends. All I can hope now is that he is in peace and finally found the happiness he deserved. I'm still filled with a hundred different emotions and theyre all ones I feel I can't express  to stay strong in front of Travis, our little brother who doesnt understand. This is tough, I wish he were here to battle through life with me.

Hi Brittany ...

I am so very sorry to hear about your brother's passing.  All of us here are going through grief similar to you and grief is an individual journey and will not go away over-night, but, the pain you are feeling now will slowly ebb although you will never forget your brother.  A hundred questions you will ask yourself such as 'could I have done more to help my brother?'  Of course you are not responsible for the road your brother chose to go down and there was nothing any of you could do.  I truly believe your brother had to make his own peace and now he is finally at peace.  There are no quick answers as to why the beloved ones in our lives have to die and all we can do is take one day at a time.  Your little brother Travis, I am sure will be filled with good memories of your brother because when you are up to it you can tell him stories about you and your brother with all the fond memories you had in the past.  Travis will be fine and you are there to help him be strong because you are stronger than you think.  All of us have shed tears; thought we were getting over our grief and suddenly without warning it creeps up on you, but the pain does get less and less although you may not believe that right now.  Please give us a chance as this forum is great.  We do not promise to take your pain away, but we all try to help each other through the journey of grief.

Hugs

Marcy

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