Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Kah Massey on July 10, 2010 at 11:04pm

It has been 16years today that my brother that I miss so dearly pasted from a heart attack at the age of 37. On top of all of this, I got in town earlier today from my father-n-law's funeral. Dealing with death can be "taxing" on the entire body. My prayers go out to all who have lost a sibling. It is so hard to deal with when u are close to them.

Permalink Reply by Effie on July 11, 2010 at 11:29am

Pricilla, something you said really touched me. It does feel like you lose a part of your physical self. I offered up parts of my body if I could just see him again for one day, a minute even. I would give my right arm. In a heartbeat. But, in the three plus years since Alex has been on the other side, I have had so many experiences that tell me without a shadow of a doubt that he is still with me. I have been reading books about experiences of people who have been contacted by loved ones who have passed on and how people don't talk about their experiences for fear of ridicule. I just wanted to put it out there because more often than not we have all had one experience or another that has made us pause. I have talked to mediums who have described him in detail to me and parts of his life and personality they could not have known. I feel like I exist much closer to the thin veil between the living and those who have gone to another place. I believe in something bigger than myself. Something complex and awesome. I am open to it. I know in my heart of hearts that Alex still IS. And I will see him again. I talk to him all the time. Out loud. So do his two little boys. His older son has seen him on multiple occasions. At the very least it gives me hope. It gives me a measure of peace. I see it as a gift. Peace all.

Priscilla Moore said:

Hello Lance and Tiffany. Oh yes, I too have lost my brother; it was in 2005, and I stayed with him until his last moment. He died of lung cancer as a result of carcinogen exposure aboard an air craft carrier in the Gulf of Tonkin, so I consider him a casualty of war. I think whether you have lost a person to suicide, war, or a drunken driver, the means is not so important, as the hole that is left in your soul, where your sibling was, as the depth of your love for him or her, that maybe you didn't discover until the loss. My brother and I were the two eldest of a family of 4 siblings and very close in age. We had shared the same time in history together and in the lives of our parents -- I could say one word of a memory and his eyes would twinkle in recognition. It is like losing a physical part of yourself. I don't know when the healing will be complete, if ever, but I can begin to feel a legacy he left me, of his dry sense of humor, in spite of any misfortune, his great love of learning and the life of the mind. And I have learned I can continue to love him, even though he is not in my world today. I hope we can all take some comfort in knowing the deep love we have for our brothers, that will go on as long as we do, and appreciate your grief as the measure of it. It also helps me to remember, that if our lives were like candles, the world would be full of flickering lights, lighting up for the first time, glowing, or going out, and each of those lights is a person just as dear as our dear ones. I hope we can all be patient with ourselves, with the lumps in our throats, and time it takes us to heal. Oh, and another thing that helps me, is to be friendly and patient with children, knowing they have such a journey ahead of them too. We all do, but it's such a mystery that each one feels like the only one. Bless you both, and don't be afraid to cry.

Lance W said:

Tiffany,
I'm very sorry that you lost your brother. I lost mine too. I lost mine on June 17, 2010. He was killed by a shotgun, and we still don't know how it happened. I am dead on the inside without him. I wish I were with him.

I want to tell you this, and I am not trying to be contrary or hurtful, but that seatbelt didn't kill your brother. The drunk driver did. For every freak accident where a seatbelt failed to save a life, there are thousands of other accidents where the seatbelt did save lives. Seatbelts do in fact save lives... but drunk drivers take them. It is a shame that your brother was taken so soon from this life by such an uncaring, selfish person.

My heart goes out to you.

Permalink Reply by Kah Massey on July 11, 2010 at 12:12pm

ALEXANDRA said:

Losing my two sisters & a brother has been extremley hard! The three of them died right before the holidays which makes it even harder.
Audrey died at the age of 42, 11-25-03
Florence died at the age of 51, 10-28-09
Jess died the age of 47, 12-24-09
I have found nothing at this time to ease the pain! I am soooo shattered & lost!
Is there ever happiness after all this!!!!!!! I wonder!!!!!!

Permalink Reply by maggie on July 16, 2010 at 5:34am

Holidays are always tough. I have also lost 3 siblings. First my sister who I was always close to. We had to make the decision to end life. then a brother that I was not close to but was still my brother. Then my other brother that died of Leukemia. I was a stem cell donor for him but it failed. I have one sister left that I am getting to know, she is much older. My mother is in a nursing home. I lost my Dad when I was still a teen to heart disease. So it sucks for sure. I feel like my family has dwindled. Yes the pain lessens but then all of a sudden wham it hits me. I feel the important thing for me is to allow myself to grieve. there is no time limit on grief. I pray alot for strength from God to get me through one day at a time.

Permalink Reply by Priscilla Moore on July 17, 2010 at 1:08am

Kah, I see your message about multiple losses, and just wanted to let you know I share a similar experience. My mother died on May 3rd, 2010, and my nearest brother on 9/11/05, my father in 1981. Each of these losses was compounded by the previous ones, so that some days it just seems that things will only get harder and harder and more and more painful. I try to remember, though, it doesn't feel this way all the hours of every day, and I try to learn to pay attention to the things that comfort me, the things I can do for myself. A good book, time for my artwork, a walk in the sunshine. It's can be hard to remember those things, so friends can help. A dear friend reminded me today that grieving is honorable, and when I feel too bad to get a long drink of cool water, wash my burning eyes, and maybe take an aspirin, if I have a headache. It is okay to take good care of yourself.

Kah Massey said:

ALEXANDRA said:

Losing my two sisters & a brother has been extremley hard! The three of them died right before the holidays which makes it even harder.
Audrey died at the age of 42, 11-25-03
Florence died at the age of 51, 10-28-09
Jess died the age of 47, 12-24-09
I have found nothing at this time to ease the pain! I am soooo shattered & lost!
Is there ever happiness after all this!!!!!!! I wonder!!!!!!

Permalink Reply by Kah Massey on July 17, 2010 at 9:55am

Hello Priscilla,
Please accept my sympathy in the loss of your mother. Please focus on the good times. This is still very fresh and u can inbox me at pmassey1998@yahoo.
Thanks for responding, sharing hope and encouragement. You are so right about engaging in things that are comforting and healthy. However, I chose to eat which has caused me to have some health challenges. I have been visiting workout places to find the right program and get healthy. I also enrolled in grad school in 8/07 and had many breaks because I struggled with coping with grief. On a positive note, I will be done with the program about 12/15/2010 and I am dedicating my masters in special education to my sister that pasted in 8/07 who had some special needs issues. On 7/8/2010, I attended the funeral of my husband's father which was about the time that my brother pasted in 1994. Normally, I cry for days at a time. Thank God, I did not have time to focus on that this time because I was busy comforting my husband and his siblings on the lost of their father. Everytime, I think I have turned the corner to a "healthy place" in dealing with the grief of the lost of my siblings, some ugly reminder comes alone. For a tad bit of info here: A trial is coming up in September around the death of my sister so I need all the prayers possible to try and endure this. I want to be a physical presence for my mom and family members but right now, this would very hard however, I am praying for strength and guidance with this. Thanks for the support and we will get through this "1 day at a time"...Peace and blessings....Kah

Permalink Reply by Kah Massey on July 18, 2010 at 10:31pm

Hello Jessica,
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. One thought that came to mind was have a private wedding and then have a reception for others. Is the reason why you do not want some of your mother's family included is because of their past behaviors? Sometimes, we have to have some thick skin and deal with or ignore the drama . Please keep in focus that this special day is about you and your future husband and not others. Human beings are quite interesting...some of them are just full of drama...Now if your mom is contributing financially, she may not take your response about her family too well. Have you tried talking with your mom in person? I am praying everything works out fine for you. Congratulations anyway...

Permalink Reply by Marie on October 11, 2010 at 7:37pm

We had my brothers memorial yesterday.. I'm still numb.. So many people from the past.. He died sept 15th 2010.. I still hurt and cry daily

Permalink Reply by Stephanie on October 11, 2010 at 8:58pm

http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/abby-hoda/homepage.aspx.
My sister Abby passed away on 9/4/07 and her birthday was 10/4 and even though it was 3 years ago the pain of this last month was like yesterday. Abby had a 20 year bout with mental illness and finally lost her battle after the toll years of psychotropic drugs took on her body. Abby was so special and I love her so much and miss her terribly. I always have shared her story so that other families that deal with these illnesses know that their family members are true heroes for being able to function with what goes on in the mind. She was so sweet and loving and even though we had such a challenge trying to get her decent care i would give anything to be able to hug her and tell her I love her one more time. But could I really wish her back to Earth knowing that she is made whole at the right hand of the Lord. Probably not. However I still long to see her smile. I have so many regrets that she could not have a life free of mental illness and be able to share children, husbands, growing old together and all the other things we daily take for granted. Abby I know you are my guardian angel and i love you with all of my heart. To everyone that has lost a sibling and comes to this site for companionship and understanding I keep you all in my prayers and hope overtime peace will help you get through those days when you can't seem to cope. I have my days too and it is still hard for me to talk about Abby without my voice cracking. God bless Stephanie


Marie said:

We had my brothers memorial yesterday.. I'm still numb.. So many people from the past.. He died sept 15th 2010.. I still hurt and cry daily

Permalink Reply by Rachel Laws on October 11, 2010 at 9:35pm

I know what it feels like to lose your sibling Stephanie. It's been almost 5 years and every day or so I think about my brother. I miss him so much. Please know you're not alone :)

Permalink Reply by Effie on October 12, 2010 at 6:24am

My brother Alex died in a car accident over three years ago on 4/28/07. He was 31, married 8 months and had two little boys who were 2 and 4 at the time. I went to his grave this weekend for the first time in a year. It's in another state from where I live. I didn't cry this time but on the way home I passed a house that reminded me of his and I lost it. I went right back down into that hole, that black as pitch hell you can't see your way out of. When you miss someone so much it's hard to breathe or think. But today I am ok. Even though every time I read these posts I feel sad. But also not so alone. I hate that anyone has to feel the way I do. I would't wish this on anyone. But as long as we are all here, it's nice to know someone out there understands. I know how you feel about losing your brother. I am sorry you feel so badly right now. But know that even though I still hurt after three long years, it's a pain I can deal with. Unlike the first year or so when it was just the worst. It does get easier to sleep and remember without feeling so bad. I don't know if it gets better. I'm not there yet. But I can wake up every day and not want to go where he went. I want to live and raise my kids and go on. That is what he wants for me and that's what I am going to do. You will get to that place. Know that. Let the feelings come...and go. You will be ok again. Just give it time. My thoughts are with you all. Peace.




Marie said:

We had my brothers memorial yesterday.. I'm still numb.. So many people from the past.. He died sept 15th 2010.. I still hurt and cry daily

Permalink Reply by Stephanie on October 16, 2010 at 7:35pm

Yes, I am sure 5years probably seems like yesterday just as 3 years feels that way for me. I had Abby cremated and spread her ashes in Miss so I don't have a cemetary to visit. I created an angel garden so I can only go there and sit and remember. She was deaf and last night we were in a restaurant and there were deaf teenagers doing sign language and I was so drawn to it. So many regrets her life could not have been better. Just wanted to talk about it. Stephanie


Rachel Laws said:

I know what it feels like to lose your sibling Stephanie. It's been almost 5 years and every day or so I think about my brother. I miss him so much. Please know you're not alone :)

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