Dealing with a sibling's death

Grief support: Share your story and learn from others about coping with the loss of a sibling.

Related articles:
• Are There Actual Stages of Grief?
• The Grief of Sibling Survivors
• Running Through the Pain
• Family Reorganization After a Loss
• After a Tragedy: What Kids Can Do
• The Value of Reminiscing
• What to Say: Rocky Relationships

Recommend

5 members like this

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Jennifer on April 15, 2012 at 10:50pm

My name is Jenn and 66 days ago my little brother died suddenly in his bathroom. His death was brought on by Chronic Alcohism. He just turned 32 years old a week exactly to his death. I planned and executed all things with the funeral service and every thing that has to be done to save my parents from it. My brother and I were very close. He was to go into treatment for his alcohol disease 4 days after he passed away. Going back to work and haviing a 5 year old has been so hard to try and live "Normal" there is no normal anymore. I am finally after 65 days, at a point were i am not crying hours a day. I am trying to now take care of my dad and the rest of my famly has pulled back and are grieving very privately. I am an emotional mess. I questioned my faith in god and spirtualism. everything changed that day. I spoke to my brother daily and not being able to call him is just strange. I have supported him through his alcoholism for 16 years. When he was only 5 until 8 he was molested and this turned him into a drunk at 16 years old. His story is one that was painful and awful and ended so wrong. I am angry with the molestor, i am angry at god and just when i think i may be somewhat okay i snap and fall apart. There is such a lack of control with emotions for me right now. Petty people piss me off. I just view the world with new eyes the past couple weeks. Got to enjoy nature all weekend and soak in some solitude a little. I am just hoping to share stories here and anything that can be helpful. How does anyone really get over anything? i dont think we do. I think we just keep moving

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on April 16, 2012 at 4:58am

Hi Jen ... My condolences regarding your brother and I am so sorry you have to be part of this group, but glad you are here for moral support because we are all going through grieving and there are wonderful people on this forum. Last April 27, 2011 my husband passed away from Pancreatic Cancer and I went through just plain being stunned (in another world); felt I could have done more to save him and I cried more than I have cried throughout my life and I am 70 years old. Then I got angry at my husband for leaving me; angry at God and still struggling with it and then wondered if I had been a good enough wife for him. I am a Christian, but, with the sorrow and broken empty-hearted feeling I have I do struggle with my religion. So many bad people in this world who are still here and so many good people who are taken from us all too soon. All these feelings are normal. I cry less; keep busy, but suddenly ... WHAM! I am crying again at the strangest times. Memories keep flooding back and sometimes the future seems dim because we grieve so much for our lost loved ones. My husband and I were not blessed with children and our parents have passed away and I only have a very small family. I began to realize it was all about 'finding me ... the new me' and all of us have to go through it as things just aren't the same anymore. I felt frustrated because I didn't know how to get the 'new me.' The mystery to it is going through the grieving process; taking one small step at a time; surrounding yourself with family and friends and choosing special people in your life that will just quietly listen to you about your feelings regarding the loss of your loved one. There is no special time frame for grieving and everyone grieves differently. Most of us are caregivers just as you were to your brother and now with your family and this is extremely draining. It is important you seek grief counseling either through a Hospice; Pastor; Priest and don't be afraid to lean on your friends. It is good that you are getting back to nature and just taking a little time out for yourself. Slowly you will learn to remember some of the good times (even if it is a few good memories) you had with your brother and as I feel about my husband, I was so lucky to have had the time that I did with him. Even though your brother was troubled for good reason and an alcoholic you kept him afloat for the time he did have on this earth and his death was not the lack of care by you. I find suddenly while walking my dogs (sometimes bring a girlfriend along) how much more I keep my loved ones close to me (tell them often how much I love them) and I see they are letting me know how much they love me when all of us just use to go through our daily lives without realizing how fragile our lives can be. I feel loved; supported; found out who my real friends are and disgarded those that drained me without any feelings towards my grieving process. I seem to have stepped back from the busy lifestyle I led and am pacing myself and am slower to 'stop and smell the flowers' and I can't believe how much I have missed while being busy. Now I know not to make my life as complicated as it once was.

None of us will ever get over our loved ones that have passed away, but slowly the heavy heart will become lighter as time passes and the memories will be there. I have finally come to grips with my husband's death and I let him know he should 'just let go' because I couldn't stand seeing him in pain. Your brother was in such pain and it is the molesters fault and not the fault of you or your family. He coped the best way he could. He probably knew he may not make it through treatment or he was 'soul weary.' There are no real words to comfort you through this difficult grieving time, but here is a good shoulder to lean on and the great thing about everyone on here is we can say anything we want without ridicule.

It is very normal to think you are going crazy when you least expect it; getting angry out of the blue; crying or wondering about your faith in God. It is part of grieving for us all and we need to keep going on in our lives for the one we lost. Perhaps later you may want to get involved with AA to help people such as your brother or, you may find something else you would like to do in memory of your brother. My husband loved his gardens and we would garden together so what I did do was hire a gardener to do the major work, but then I got out there and worked my butt off in memory of my husband. It gave me peace; made me tired, but I felt good. Then my neighbour next door (a dear man) joined me and is mowing my lawn. My small family comes over along with some friends off and on and helps me out.

I hope to see you post again Jenn. Be there for your family, but take care of YOU!

Hugs (because you need it)

Marcy

My name is Jenn and 66 days ago my little brother died suddenly in his bathroom. His death was brought on by Chronic Alcohism. He just turned 32 years old a week exactly to his death. I planned and executed all things with the funeral service and every thing that has to be done to save my parents from it. My brother and I were very close. He was to go into treatment for his alcohol disease 4 days after he passed away. Going back to work and haviing a 5 year old has been so hard to try and live "Normal" there is no normal anymore. I am finally after 65 days, at a point were i am not crying hours a day. I am trying to now take care of my dad and the rest of my famly has pulled back and are grieving very privately. I am an emotional mess. I questioned my faith in god and spirtualism. everything changed that day. I spoke to my brother daily and not being able to call him is just strange. I have supported him through his alcoholism for 16 years. When he was only 5 until 8 he was molested and this turned him into a drunk at 16 years old. His story is one that was painful and awful and ended so wrong. I am angry with the molestor, i am angry at god and just when i think i may be somewhat okay i snap and fall apart. There is such a lack of control with emotions for me right now. Petty people piss me off. I just view the world with new eyes the past couple weeks. Got to enjoy nature all weekend and soak in some solitude a little. I am just hoping to share stories here and anything that can be helpful. How does anyone really get over anything? i dont think we do. I think we just keep moving

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on April 21, 2012 at 3:32pm

First off Claire here is a big HUG from me to you and I (along with others) are reaching out to you and we feel your pain. There are no words to express to you how very sorry I am to hear of your mother's death and now your brother; both very close to your heart. My husband Ernie who died of Pancreatic/liver cancer April 27, 2011 had a brother who took his own life at the age of 25 and it was devastating to his family and myself. The family was so distraught I had to take care of the family; funeral arrangements and of course the very curious neighbors and friends of the family. It affected me in many ways as well of course. Suicide is the most difficult (other than losing a child) because we simply don't know why one takes their own life with the exception of the person who took their own life was in great mental anquish. Then the surviving family has to deal with 'why didn't we see the signs our loved one was hurting so badly mentally' to 'there was something I should have done to prevent it.' Having studied suicide for a medical class I had taken a few years back there are no simple answers and, not all people who take their own lives show signs of being distraught, but are often cheerful leaving no warning signs for family to pick up on. There was nothing you could do. It must be so hard for you to look at your brother's house and know he is not there, but. believe he is at peace and his spirit surrounds all of you. Sometimes that is hard to believe, but one day you will get a sign (even in a dream) so be patient. Within two months after my husband's brother took his own life we were driving back to our apartment and right on the main road we had stopped for a red light. Before I go on I must tell you that I believe we can hear; see at times or dream of our loved ones gone, but, my husband did not. As we were sitting there down the sidewalk came Ernie's brother looking straight at us; walking briskly; he had on a dark ankle length black rain coat on and he waved and smiled. My husband and I were stunned and then I said, 'Did you see what I saw!' Ernie was shocked and simply nodded his head. We wanted to follow him, but the traffic was moving and all of a sudden his brother smiled; waved and vanished! I will swear on the Bible on this experience. Some how it gave us peace as if his brother was saying that he was fine and it was a final goodbye. From then on the healing process for my husband and his family as well as myself moved rapidly. Within a year we were able to look at photos of his brother; laugh at the memories of the antics we pulled off with each other and the fun we had. We knew within ourselves there was nothing we could have done to help his brother and it freed all of ourselves from feeling guilty. We realize the emotional pain his brother had truly been in and no one can know that pain unless they go through it.

PLEASE don't listen to those people who feel you should be getting over the loss of your brother so quickly. Grief is something that believe it or not is a healthy thing and we must take the journey alone (within ourselves) while reaching out for others for support. Grief has no time frame and each individual is different. It has almost been a year since my dear Ernie passed away, but I still have my cries; still miss him so much. Surround yourself with one or two people who you can just talk too. Good friends can just listen; cry along with you; wrap their arms around you and help you through your journey of grief. I would highly suggest you go to grief counseling because it does make you realize there are others in your situation. In time you will heal from this trauma and it is a trauma. Your brother was your best friend; your brother and you were also coping with the loss of your mother. You do not owe anyone an explanation for your grieving. All of us on here are here for you and some of us are still limping through life (I am one of those people) and others have been grieving longer and can make your journey a little more comfortable by sharing their own experiences.

Please keep coming back to the forum and sharing your thoughts. No one here ever judges another and you have a lot of loving and caring people on this forum.

HUG HUGS!

Marcy

Claire McCollom said:

I am new to this group and as I read, understand and relate to all of the above, I can't help notice that on the dates of these posts, my brother was still alive and we were getting through the illness and death of our mother together. ( She died 7/8/11). And actually were on each other porches many times a day together. We have always been close, very,very close as teens and had been living directly next door to each other for the past 6 yrs. I encouraged him to look at the house across the street from me when it became available. We were the youngest 2 of 8. He was 3 yrs older than me. Pete hung himself 9/21/11, so 7 months tmw.

And it still continues to be so unreal at times. I look across the street at his empty dark house every day. Sometimes I feel like I hear him out the window still. I have gone through the shock, but now feel my real grief is settling in and I do still have real difficult moments when things catch me off guard. I also am trying to help my own children that were also very effected by the suicide of their close Uncle Pete. He was so kind and funny. He seemed so happy and playful and loving life on the outside. But I know how much he struggled on the inside. And now on my journey of grief of such a horrific loss, I am starting to reach out to others for support and an unfortunate shared experience. It helps as talking about it with most people just makes them uncomfortable. I also have the feeling people think I should be getting over it by now (my brother for 48 years cannot be "gotton over" in 6 months!!) I have never been a support group type of person, but now I know, it's something that's too hard to understand, unless you've gone through it. And very sad that so many of us have!!!

So just reaching out a bit and although the prior posts are fairly old..I wish everyone well in their journey that I know we continue to tra

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on April 22, 2012 at 4:18am

Hi Claire ... so good to hear from you. I can certainly understand how surreal your grief is. Even being a nurse in your field and seeing much sadness nurses have feelings too and when it comes to their own families they suffer like anyone else when they lose a loved one. I remember always feeling very sorry for friends I knew that had lost a loved one and was always supportive, but, I honestly could not feel 'their' true pain until I lost my husband. Having studied suicide are they really warped? In many cases I think not. Just like grief individuals handle stress and 'their ghosts' in different ways. I am so glad to hear you have no feelings of guilt because you were a wonderful sister to your brother. I felt somewhat guilty about not doing enough for my husband (we always backed each other with any health issues) but quit beating myself up because his terminal illness was simply out of his control and mine. We were married almost 39 years and I knew him 45 years and we had our arguements like everyone else and marriage is not perfect, but one thing we knew for sure when the chips were down we were there for each other and we loved each other dearly. I now realize even though I can go into a funk every so often and have a good cry because I miss him so much that I was very blessed to have had him in my life for the length of time I did.

Your sibs will have to deal with their own ghosts regarding your brother. That being said sometimes people just get angry because they are trying so hard to fix what is wrong with that person without much success. We must never forget we are just human and even if a sibling says something cruel or 'stop grieving over him' it is because they do not want to remind themselves of the hurtful things they have said and they will have to come full circle with each of their own feelings. No one is to blame. For some reason when a loved one dies people left behind are so hard on themselves and forget we are only mortals; we make mistakes; say things to a loved one off and on we may regret and it's simply life. Life as we all know is stressful at best. I agree with you that your siblings that did not stay close to your brother have to come to terms with that and the guilt sets in. You are very smart not getting into confrontations with your siblings because we must learn from the death of our loved one. All of you are hurting in different ways. That is not to say you can't put some distance between your siblings every so often to give yourself a much needed break. I am like you and I'm quiet when need be; I think before I speak and sometimes walk away from any confrontations where I feel I may say something that could hurt someone I care about. You will think that you have conquered your grief off and on and then WHAM! I am still going through that, but, I am slowly getting better. I am concerned about my weight loss (you know the caregiver gives all and forgets about themselves.) Going to specialists to see what is wrong and they found a cyst on my left ovary, but they feel it in non cancerous. Sometimes I am frightened and fear I will die and then suddenly a calm comes over me and it's 'what will be, will be.' So yes, our emotions are all over the place and that is normal when grieving. I don't know how old your children are, but sometimes it doesn't hurt to show your feelings off and on with your husband and children (if the children are old enough.) Death is part of life as you know. Through all your brother's personal anguish he left all of you with so much .. his love; caring and a good heart and going on in his memory is what the key to his death is. I talk to my Ernie off and on; say goodnight to him or simply say out loud when I am alone in my home 'hon, I miss you so much and I love you.' For some reason I do think they hear us. I have a wonderful book I am reading, but it's out in my car right now and it's late so will get it tomorrow and I'll leave you a post and give you the name of the book and the author. I think you will find peace in it. With those we love so deeply life is just that ... keeping them close to our hearts and we have done that and continue to do it after they have passed away.

We are all here for you and it's unfortunate we have to be here, but it's almost better than family being on this forum with others because we are not judged for what we say and everyone does understand because we are all in the same boat. It is great to respond back to you and I know you are one strong lady.

Claire McCollom said:

Thank you for your reply Marcy! Today is 7 months exactly and it is still so surreal. My initial shock has worn off but my incredible sadness is so heavy it can be paralyzing at times. I am a nurse (pediatric oncology) and there have been some recent heartbreaking deaths there as well. It can take it's toll. Let me say that I don't have a tremendous amount of guilt or anger towards my brother. I feel I have come to terms. in my own mind, some of his thought process, warped as it may be. I truly believe that he did not intend for his torment to become ours, though it has for so very many that loved him. I do just feel so alone in my grief. I go to work, and although many coworkers do know the situation, I carry on outwardly though I am not different. The key word outwardly. On the inside I am in my own world, and everything looks different in that world now. I am truely heartbroken. I think literally, heartbroken. I feel I have lost much of my past, present and future. My brother was my true ally within my big family. Now that both my parents are gone and especially with my closest brother (and friend) suicide, it is so hard to function within this "new" famliy. I try to respect everyone elses way of grieving, but I find it difficult to not feel a bit angry at my siblings now because I feel "where we you when he was alive???" when they seem so distraught. Some of my sibs had not kept in contact and have said hurtful things about him. One had actually kind of "written him off". I feel my siblings are now more generous with forgiving his struggles now after what has happened than they were when he was alive. But I'm sure that their guilt may be even harder to deal with than, well almost than, my loss of my dearly loved brother who was a part of my daily life. I don't know.....I try to steer clear of any confrontation or disagreements with them because I know in the end, I don't want any more hurt feelings in the family. I can be quiet when I need to be....I know that never peace, but some acceptance and the way for me to carry on and live my life, really needs to come from only me, so very hard with such crazy emotions all over the place. the ups and downs. I try so very hard to stay even...for my sake and my husbands and kids. They are also dealing with this loss as my brother and husband were very good friends and my kids saw him all the time and adored him. And naturally they are all so concerned about me. But I still talk to him in my mind, it helps....and I also feel I have had signs from him. I'm open to it and will take whatever I can get to feel close to him. I carry him in my heart always and will always continue to do so.

I appreciate the reponse and commisorate with all the others posts and everyone's pain.

Permalink Reply by Effie on April 22, 2012 at 9:51am

Next weekend on the 28th will be five years since I lost my only sibling Alex Wolf Watts to a car crash. I found this place about a year later and it helped me so much. Some people have other siblings they can talk to and relate to but I won't have that anymore. SO this board and others like it on Facebook are where I go now to share my thoughts and get support from people who really know how it feels. The first two years were the hardest. Life has gone on since and I have learned so much. I continue to grow and appreciate life and the living. I wish for you strength and love and hope. It will be ok. For me to be saying that means a lot because a few years ago...i was so lost. <3

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on April 22, 2012 at 6:12pm

Effie ... thank you so much for your much needed post giving many of us the courage to go on and to know there is hope and a future. Although I have not lost a sibling I lost my husband at 65 to Pancreatic Cancer on April 27, 2011 and the pain still comes and goes off and on, but it has lessened a little. I find the worst part is that my best friend has gone; no one to share the memories with like the two of us did. I am probably much older than you so living is important to me as far as filling in as life has to offer and making each day count. I am truly blessed with a small family (just my brother; his wife and two nephews in their mid-twenties) and of course many friends and some good neighbors. Once again, thank you so much for your post and bless you!

Marcy

Next weekend on the 28th will be five years since I lost my only sibling Alex Wolf Watts to a car crash. I found this place about a year later and it helped me so much. Some people have other siblings they can talk to and relate to but I won't have that anymore. SO this board and others like it on Facebook are where I go now to share my thoughts and get support from people who really know how it feels. The first two years were the hardest. Life has gone on since and I have learned so much. I continue to grow and appreciate life and the living. I wish for you strength and love and hope. It will be ok. For me to be saying that means a lot because a few years ago...i was so lost. <3

Permalink Reply by Mary Godfrey on April 23, 2012 at 8:23am

Lisa,...I am sorry about your sister. I, too, lost my only sister in August of 2011 suddenly from a brain anerysm. She was only 63. Her death was a shock. When I got the call at work from my daughter I thought it was about her husband, who had been in hospital for past 6 months battling cancer. Her husband died a month later. Then 2 months after that, on Thanksgiving, the man I loved died suddenly at 44 of Congestive Heart Failure. He helped me thru both their deaths and now he is gone too. My sister was always the one I would go to when something was wrong in my life....but I can't go to her about John dying as she isn't here. I am really in a Black Hole right now,..too much sadness in a short period of time. All I do is cry,..hopefully in time it gets better. Your sister sounds like a wonderful person, as mine was,..maybe they are watching us. Just don't know what I believe anymore...

The sudden passing of my sibling I must say has been hard very hard especially when my sibling was so young. My sibling that I speak of is my sister, who was and will always be known as a loving, caring, compassionate, talented, strong, motivated and driven person. My sister had no children of her own, but she always dreamed of becoming a mother one day because she loved children with all of her heart and would give you her last cent and the shirt off her back to help someone in need. My sisters passing was unexpected and sudden, which left my family devastated and shocked, but we are learning to deal with my sister's passing because we know this is what our sister would want us to do. I kind of feel good being able to talk to others to see how they deal with the passing of a sibling and just being able to talk to someone and tell them how I feel.

Thank you legacy connect for creating a site where people can share their feelings on such a touchy subject.

Permalink Reply by Jennifer on April 23, 2012 at 10:50am

Marcy,

thank you so much for your reply. Im just going day to day trying to face this. I am hoping i can find some solace one day. I will continue to write here. I am sorry for the loss of your husband. I still have a little borther, but we are greiving differrently and he reached out to me yesterday which is nice. I feel alone in my grief ( lie no one get this). I feel like just quitting work and retreating to nothing., Im always busy and now i feel like busy isnt right. Have a nice day and hope to talk again soon

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on April 23, 2012 at 6:41pm

Jennifer ..

It is wonderful to hear from you. I too find solace in my life. In time it does come even if we don't always believe it because we are hurting from our hearts over the loss of a loved one. Thank you and I do still miss my husband a great deal. There are days I simply take it easy; listen to soothing music; watch a funny DVD Movie or have a friend over because I just don't feel like doing too much, but then I force myself to get busy. Right now I'm gardening (which my husband and I did together) and I find peace in it. Something about the feel of the earth in your hands and seeing the flowers start to bloom for spring.

I am so happy to hear that your little brother has reached out to you. We all grieve differently ... some in silence and not shedding a tear until night falls and we are alone with our thoughts before we sleep and others are more than willing to talk about their loss. I think all of us on this forum know what you mean when you say you feel alone in your grief. I have learned we really are alone in our own reality unless we can discuss our feelings with a person who has suffered the same loss. You are certainly not alone because you have this forum. I can understand you wanting to quit work, but don't make rash decisions so soon in your grief (a grief counselor told me that.) I weigh the daily issues in my life before making decisions. Keep working because it will help you in the long run. Perhaps try and take a small vacation where you can have peace and quiet and time to think things out and to grow from your grief. Busy is certainly right to keep our minds off the loss even for a little while. I do believe our loved ones are in a wonderful, peaceful place without anquish or pain and they would want us to go on until we meet again. We all have a reason for being here even if to some individuals feel their part in life is very small.

I hope you are feeling a little better today. I live just outside of Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada and it's very muggy here (too muggy all of a sudden) and threats of rain. I've been working my little butt off to get the gardens in shape.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Marcy,

thank you so much for your reply. Im just going day to day trying to face this. I am hoping i can find some solace one day. I will continue to write here. I am sorry for the loss of your husband. I still have a little borther, but we are greiving differrently and he reached out to me yesterday which is nice. I feel alone in my grief ( lie no one get this). I feel like just quitting work and retreating to nothing., Im always busy and now i feel like busy isnt right. Have a nice day and hope to talk again soon

Permalink Reply by Liz Smith on May 17, 2012 at 2:07am

My brother Tom was 39 years old and died on April 23, 2012. It was a car accident that caused him to die quickly( before they reached the hospital) after being rescued from the upside down pick up truck. I do not know how to deal with losing my big brother. I don't even feel like I will ever be the same person that I was before that Monday. Thats what I call it "That Monday" the day we got the call about his accident. I can still hear it, the words " Tom was in a car accident...and he didn't make it." I screamed and screamed "No, no no no no" and "He was coming in August" We hadn't seen him since March of 2009, and after many failed attempts to get back for a visit, it was finally really happening, he had just given us actual dates that week of his trip home. I still can't believe it. That he is really gone. I keep thinking he is going to call us again on his way home from work to talk about August. The fishing trip he wanted to go on with all the guys of the family, the grilling he wanted to do on the patio, the amount of food all the kids( he has seven children all under the age of 15), and how we were goingto have to kid-proof the house. I can't get my head wrapped around it, the concept of a world without Tom's phone calls and Tom's visits. I know I must be in denial at times, but its depression, extreme sorrow, anger too. I think the only way I can function is to deny that that Monday ever happened, and yet it is so painful and a true nightmare that the denial doesn't last long. Any thoughts or ideas on how to manage? I know I will never get over this, and that it has changed me, but are the changes in who I am going to be permanent? I dont even recognize myself and my personality half the time anymore. It feels like who I was has died with Tom, and I'm just what is the bare minimum left behind to live this nightmare, this sick joke, this mistake. How do I learn to deal with/to manage this loss?

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on May 17, 2012 at 4:34am

Hi Liz ... my deepest condolences regarding the death of your brother and I am so sorry you have to be on this forum, but it is a good forum and we are all grieving for a lost loved one and can relate to your grief; depression and denial which are all normal reactions for especially unexpected deaths. My husband passed away last April 27th from pancreatic cancer and even though it was expected I always believed he would make it.

It is important you go to grief counseling and they will put you in a group where others have lost a sibling. If you don't feel you can handle a group then see a psychologist to express your grief as they do help (I went to one.) Your parents may want to go to a group dealing with the loss of a child. It is also important to know that in your immediate family everyone grieves differently. No, you will never be quite the same person since the lose of your brother, but, in time the pain does pass. The journey of grief although very painful is part of actually getting through the grief itself and there is no limit to how long you grieve, but one day eventually you will be able to look at pictures or remember fond memories of your brother and smile. It just takes time and we have all been through it and we still have our bad moments. Eventually, we have to face 'who we are now' once a loved one is gone. Keep family close; cry; hug and also keep one or two best friends you feel comfortable with letting your feelings out and know they will just let you talk and lend a shoulder to cry on. I feel I will never be the same person and hardly recognize myself, but, I am getting a little better day by day. I still think my husband will come through the door every so often. Try to focus on his wife and children a little (you can do it) and realize the children are the ones who do not understand where their daddy has gone. Dealing with children often does help with your own grief. Cry when you feel like it; kick a door; go somewhere quiet and just hell out all that anger. Ask yourself 'how would my brother want me to act right now.' Although science may not agree many people believe our loved ones are around us and some people even experience a feeling they are close by or, even may dream about them or see them. Your brother is out of pain and I do believe our loved ones are in a better place and we must go on in their memory. When it is our time to go I do believe that our loved ones are there to greet us. Right now you are in shock and denial and it's normal. You will survive and have a fairly happy life in the future even though you don't feel you will right now.

Big hugs

Marcy

My brother Tom was 39 years old and died on April 23, 2012. It was a car accident that caused him to die quickly( before they reached the hospital) after being rescued from the upside down pick up truck. I do not know how to deal with losing my big brother. I don't even feel like I will ever be the same person that I was before that Monday. Thats what I call it "That Monday" the day we got the call about his accident. I can still hear it, the words " Tom was in a car accident...and he didn't make it." I screamed and screamed "No, no no no no" and "He was coming in August" We hadn't seen him since March of 2009, and after many failed attempts to get back for a visit, it was finally really happening, he had just given us actual dates that week of his trip home. I still can't believe it. That he is really gone. I keep thinking he is going to call us again on his way home from work to talk about August. The fishing trip he wanted to go on with all the guys of the family, the grilling he wanted to do on the patio, the amount of food all the kids( he has seven children all under the age of 15), and how we were goingto have to kid-proof the house. I can't get my head wrapped around it, the concept of a world without Tom's phone calls and Tom's visits. I know I must be in denial at times, but its depression, extreme sorrow, anger too. I think the only way I can function is to deny that that Monday ever happened, and yet it is so painful and a true nightmare that the denial doesn't last long. Any thoughts or ideas on how to manage? I know I will never get over this, and that it has changed me, but are the changes in who I am going to be permanent? I dont even recognize myself and my personality half the time anymore. It feels like who I was has died with Tom, and I'm just what is the bare minimum left behind to live this nightmare, this sick joke, this mistake. How do I learn to deal with/to manage this loss?

Permalink Reply by karen ann peralta on May 20, 2012 at 11:00pm

my little sister and her little angel in her womb died last saturday and i was so devastated...i dont know hope can i cope with her death..please help...