Hello Theresa, I can relate so much to what you are saying, I lost my husband exactly one month after your husband, he had just turned 59 on January 7th, was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer & basically given 2 yrs of life only to die less than a month later to a cardiac arrest, not a day goes by that I do not cry my eyes out, so I hear you loud & clear, most of the time I can't sleep, my head just thinks & questions if I could have done something to change the outcome, I went to the mausoleum for the 2nd time yesterday & it was extremely hard but I feel if I don't go he is going to think that I abandoned him, I am still in limbo thinking, WHAT HAPPENED? but there is no answer, my youngest son is very worried because he says at this point my health is being affected & he does not want to lose another parent, he is getting married on July 12th & my husband Pablo wanted to be there so much for his son like he was for our oldest sons wedding, I know I need to go on for my sons but I don't feel I have the strength to go on, so I can certainly sympathize with everything you said & wish I could give say things that would help you, I can't but just know there are some of us in the same situation, very hard to lose someone after knowing each other for over 40 years & having just celebrated our 33rd wedding anniversary this past October, I hope u can find some peace, like I hope I can.
"That is why I can't remember anything?" - Yes, it is true. The pain of our losses really messes with our ability to focus, to remember and to complete seemingly easy tasks. Since Molly died, I live by lists. If it isn't written down, I have little chance of remembering it. The act of adding something to a list also reduces the anxiety associated with forgetting it.
"So, what can I do? Just accept that these things will happen? Be frustrated?" - My bereavement group leader continues to point out the grief is a healing process. But, I believe that it is one that you need to participate in. Talking about my feelings, the frustration that I am experiencing, the loneliness, and even the few things that have gone right for a change with people who understand has helped me a lot. I don't think it is a matter of accepting that there are typical physical manifestations of grief, but understanding that there are reasons we feel the way that we do and that this is normal. The goal is to learn to adapt and in doing so to start to rebuild our lives. The best thing that we can do is to take care of ourselves (mind, body and spirit...to quote my bereavement group leader again). Eat well, get as much sleep as possible, share feelings with friends and family, and find solace in whatever belief system we have.
Amen MikeF. .....The best thing that we can do is take care of ourselves and remember healing takes time...it's hard to throw our anxieties on the Lord (Psalms 55:22)
Hi Theresa ... Here is a line re grief depression and other depression: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/02/23/the-two-worlds-of-...
I am so sorry your husband had to go through so much. My husband also had a rough time with pancreatic cancer and like you, I spent many times arguing with doctors because of mistakes and misinformation of their part and trying to stay up-beat for him while crying inside. It is true that the grieving process starts as soon as we know their illness is terminal. I also bargained with God and even prayed He'd take me instead of my gentle giant of a husband. Everyone deals with their grief differently and it took me a few months to take his clothes out of the closet and give them to Good Will. I still have his work jacket hanging up on the hook. I mainly do this to prove he'd actually been here, the love my life and so many shared memories. My husband was also cremated and I have his box of ashes in my curio cabinet in the corner of the living room.
The link I left you explains grief depression and different types of depressive moods individuals can have and genetics is a large part of that. Depression over the loss of our loved one is normal unless it goes on for years and stops one from having some sort of life or they choose to hide away from family, friends and society as a whole.
You are experiencing genetic depression and now grief depression all rolled into one. Sleeping too much or not enough is one of the signs of raw grief. It is so very important that you don't rush through your grief as if it's matter of fact and you have important things to get settled, but take time to cry, to remember and to let that raw grief out. I too have suffered unsettling dreams off and on and still can if stressed out. You will get through this, but please, get grief counseling and work with your therapist. Grief is individual when it comes to emotions and depression.
Hi Theresa, I too am sorry for your loss. My husband is my best friend and I can't imagine life without him. I don't know you so I'm not sure if your a spiritual person or someone who likes to read the bible, If so Philippians 4:6,7 is something you can definitely read and pray for...
For me it is not a matter of letting my wife go but forging a new relationship with her. I believe that Molly will always be a part of my life and she will always be in my heart. In many things I do on a daily basis, I can hear her in the back of my mind helping me along. The life lessons that she provided me while she was alive can still help shape me now.
I too struggle with lack of good sleep. It is not so much that I do not sleep, but that I feel as though I need to be completely exhausted when I go to bed to ensure that I fall asleep quickly. I know that I am less functional, more crabby and more depressed on days that follow bad sleep nights.