Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Ellen Brant on November 21, 2010 at 12:23am

Renee, Just want you to know I feel your excruciating pain .You are in the right place. I cry and bellow almost everynight. Somehow I feel we all here sadly know to why. This site is a Godsend and the people here are blessings of hope. HUGS. help us grow spiritually.

Renee Semo said:

Thank you Brigitte for your kind words of encouragement. Everyday I feel alone and you helped me to feel like you all are my new family and I have someone finally to let me cry and scream to. Everyone else tolerates me and thinks Im on the edge of a breakdown, constantly judging what I do and say. Im happy to hear that I am allowed to feel what I feel here and I wanted to let you know you made a difference and you helped me. God Bless! Love Renee

Jerry said:

You really hit the nail on the head when you say this is something eveyone will eventually have to go through. And that know one knows how it feels until it happens to them.

Brigitte said:

My dear Douglas died July 17,2009. He was under Hospice care at home and 2 days before he passed he looked at me and said, "What happened?" The look on his face and his eyes tore at my heart. All I could say was, "You got really sick this time baby and I can't fix it." He smiled at me and relaxed. I made darn sure that he was not in pain nor did he have any invasive treatment -- that was his wish. So, when I think about that look in his eyes and the expression of confusion on his face I remind myself that he died with dignity -- no tubes, no pain, just surrounded by those who loved him -- especially me. I never left his side. We talked (or I should say I did all the talking) while he would nod or squeeze my hand and smile. He could still hear me and I talked about all the craziness we shared and assured him that I was going to be okay because I knew he would always be walking next to me and best of all, watching over me! Do I miss him -- words cannot express how much. I loved this beautiful man for over 32 years and will continue to love him until I draw my last breath. He is waiting for me -- this I believe. He is with me every day and shows me a sign in different ways. I still cry over my loss, I get angry because he suffered needlessly, and I can smile when I think of all the beautiful memories he and I made together. Those memories keep me sane and help me put one foot in front of the other. I stumble a lot, still, but the day will come when I will accept that he died. It is a tragedy everyone will experience -- unfortunately all of us here have been forced to experience the tragedy before many of our friends and family. I consider all of you dear friends and family. All of you have picked me up when I have fallen and for that I am grateful. You actually "get it" -- and to the defense of our friends and family members, until this tragedy is experienced by them personally they will struggle to find the right words to say to us. We must be patient with them but more importantly we must be there for them when they are on this path of grief. I wish all of you a safe and happy holiday season. Know that you are loved!

In Peace,

Brigitte

Permalink Reply by Ellen Brant on November 21, 2010 at 12:23am

Renee, Just want you to know I feel your excruciating pain .You are in the right place. I cry and bellow almost everynight. Somehow I feel we all here sadly know to why. This site is a Godsend and the people here are blessings of hope. HUGS. help us grow spiritually.

Renee Semo said:

Thank you Brigitte for your kind words of encouragement. Everyday I feel alone and you helped me to feel like you all are my new family and I have someone finally to let me cry and scream to. Everyone else tolerates me and thinks Im on the edge of a breakdown, constantly judging what I do and say. Im happy to hear that I am allowed to feel what I feel here and I wanted to let you know you made a difference and you helped me. God Bless! Love Renee

Jerry said:

You really hit the nail on the head when you say this is something eveyone will eventually have to go through. And that know one knows how it feels until it happens to them.

Brigitte said:

My dear Douglas died July 17,2009. He was under Hospice care at home and 2 days before he passed he looked at me and said, "What happened?" The look on his face and his eyes tore at my heart. All I could say was, "You got really sick this time baby and I can't fix it." He smiled at me and relaxed. I made darn sure that he was not in pain nor did he have any invasive treatment -- that was his wish. So, when I think about that look in his eyes and the expression of confusion on his face I remind myself that he died with dignity -- no tubes, no pain, just surrounded by those who loved him -- especially me. I never left his side. We talked (or I should say I did all the talking) while he would nod or squeeze my hand and smile. He could still hear me and I talked about all the craziness we shared and assured him that I was going to be okay because I knew he would always be walking next to me and best of all, watching over me! Do I miss him -- words cannot express how much. I loved this beautiful man for over 32 years and will continue to love him until I draw my last breath. He is waiting for me -- this I believe. He is with me every day and shows me a sign in different ways. I still cry over my loss, I get angry because he suffered needlessly, and I can smile when I think of all the beautiful memories he and I made together. Those memories keep me sane and help me put one foot in front of the other. I stumble a lot, still, but the day will come when I will accept that he died. It is a tragedy everyone will experience -- unfortunately all of us here have been forced to experience the tragedy before many of our friends and family. I consider all of you dear friends and family. All of you have picked me up when I have fallen and for that I am grateful. You actually "get it" -- and to the defense of our friends and family members, until this tragedy is experienced by them personally they will struggle to find the right words to say to us. We must be patient with them but more importantly we must be there for them when they are on this path of grief. I wish all of you a safe and happy holiday season. Know that you are loved!

In Peace,

Brigitte

Permalink Reply by Elizabeth Nonnemacher on November 21, 2010 at 1:36am

Dear Laura; I understand exactly what you mean,my Ron is gone 7 weeks, and I cant get the picture of my Ron in his last moments out of my head either. Its not who my Ron was, it looked like a look of shock, like he didnt expect this to happen. I just came in to the room at about 2 minutes after he passed just at the same time the staff for code blue was coming in the room. My poor Ron. I am trying to get past it, because I know in my heart he wouldnt want me to remember him in that way, it is so hard. Meeting at this support sit has really helped me, I think when we speak about our feelings really helps. My thoughts and prayers are with you. This is a good place although it would have been nicer to meet you all at a better place than a grief support, but we are all here for the same reason. Hugs to all.

Permalink Reply by Elizabeth Nonnemacher on November 21, 2010 at 1:37am

Dear Laura; I understand exactly what you mean,my Ron is gone 7 weeks, and I cant get the picture of my Ron in his last moments out of my head either. Its not who my Ron was, it looked like a look of shock, like he didnt expect this to happen. I just came in to the room at about 2 minutes after he passed just at the same time the staff for code blue was coming in the room. My poor Ron. I am trying to get past it, because I know in my heart he wouldnt want me to remember him in that way, it is so hard. Meeting at this support sit has really helped me, I think when we speak about our feelings really helps. My thoughts and prayers are with you. This is a good place although it would have been nicer to meet you all at a better place than a grief support, but we are all here for the same reason. Hugs to all.
Dear Laura; I understand exactly what you mean,my Ron is gone 7 weeks, and I cant get the picture of my Ron in his last moments out of my head either. Its not who my Ron was, it looked like a look of shock, like he didnt expect this to happen. I just came in to the room at about 2 minutes after he passed just at the same time the staff for code blue was coming in the room. My poor Ron. I am trying to get past it, because I know in my heart he wouldnt want me to remember him in that way, it is so hard. Meeting at this support sit has really helped me, I think when we speak about our feelings really helps. My thoughts and prayers are with you. This is a good place although it would have been nicer to meet you all at a better place than a grief support, but we are all here for the same reason. Hugs to all.
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Permalink Reply by Sharon on November 21, 2010 at 7:03am

So sorry to hear of your recent loss. I know what you mean about that last look. Unfortunately I believe it will never go away. After almost 14 month I can still see Dan's expression of confusion, fear and then sadness as he stared at me with tears coming out of the side of his eyes. He was having a stroke or brain bleed of some kind and was trying so hard to talk but couldn't. My only solace is that I was the last face he saw, but I am sure he saw the fear in my eyes as well. I feel so bad for you that you do not have family close by. Keep posting on this site, it can help fill that void when you need to vent and get it out. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and we will all be here for you to help you through this by sharing which in turn helps us. You are in my prayers to find some peace. It is all very fresh for you so just take it one hour at a time and ask God to strengthen you. God Bless, Sharon

Permalink Reply by Jerry on November 21, 2010 at 7:48am

Although I never took any pictures of my wife when she was very sick, I still can remember how the sickness and chemo made her look. It was horrble for sure. I am no expert, but I believe it is best for us to try and remeber the happier times in our lives. If I dwell on the last year of her illness,it is like the disease is now winning over me, and that should not be. As far as Thanksgiving, I am thankful for the many years we had together. And I hope she is looking down on me from above and will be with us in spirit during the years to come. Thoughts of the happier times during our life together still can bring a smile to my face,and I try to do that,it beats being depresed.
Renee Semo said:

Yaca, While my husband was sick in the end he too was swollen from the ascites, lost all his hair from the chemo (even his eye lashes) and at the time I never thought he looked bad. Now I look at pictures from those last weeks and he looks so very sick to me. Maybe I was in denial because he told me he was going to beat it and we were going to be the old couple holding hands. He used to cry out in the middle of the night from pain and I used to tell him not to yell so loud so the kids wouldnt get scared and I feel bad for that now. I wanted to make him better and I tried so hard but I couldnt do it. I prayed and begged god not to take him from me but he didnt listen. I am glad that hes not hurting anymore but I know he is sad he is not with me and the kids. No matter what paradise he may be in even sitting next to Jesus, I know he would still rather be with me. Am I torturing myself by thinking that???? I dread this week coming with Thanksgiving. What do I give thanks for??? I just do know...I feel like I dont know anything. Im like a hamster on a wheel just running but getting no where. Renee

Yaca Attwood said:

Dear Laura - I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved Mike - you obviously loved him so very much, that the thought of him being in pain is so very hard for you.

I have two pictures of my husband I took right at the time he died - he had liver disease, so he is discolored (yellow) from the jaundice, his body swollen from the ascites, and you can see the ravages on his body - I still look at these pictures from time to time (he died on 29 June 2009) - and I know he was suffering and in pain, but he is no longer.

I still miss him, just as you miss your beloved.

Peace, healing, blessing and grace be upon you - Yaca Attwood Perkins

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