It is almost 10 months since my beloved Ernie passed away from pancreatic cancer and it's been a rough road.  It has taken all my energy just to get through the grieving process.  On "Sept. 11th, my cat Molly passed away (5 months after Ernie passed) without warning which shocked me.  I managed to get over that.  I encircle myself with family and friends; take my dogs for a walk, but even though I was eating much better I continued to lose a lot of weight and it is frightening to eat and see such a great weight loss.  I just knew it was not all about grieving and went to see my doctor and had a CT Scan done.  I received a call from my doctor's office and he said from the person who read the CT Scan that I had a healthy pancreas; liver; kidneys and lungs (which I feel blessed for) BUT they found a 6.2 cm cyst on my left ovary (just over 2 inches.)  I was stunned because Ernie had exactly the same size cyst on his pancreas.  The person who read the CT Scan said they did not think it was cancer, but in brackets said they could not be sure.  I am stunned; waiting for a call from the specialist to see when I can get in to see her.  My doctor told me not to worry, but women know better.  Not having surgery is not an option even if the cyst is not cancerous.  Nothing has gone right for me since the loss of Ernie and I am so thin and frail I don't even want to go outside, but force myself.  I am worried that they will do a complete hysterectomy on me because in British Columbia, Canada specialists feel 50 and over you might as well have one, but I do not do well on HRT (yes, even though one has gone through the worst of menopause you still produce some estrogen) and these are all questions I need to ask my specialist.  It's the waiting!  I feel like I am going down the same nightmare road I went through with Ernie with the long wait until it was too late. My family and friends can stare at me as if I'm going to drop dead at any given moment and it makes me nervous and depressed all at the same time.  I've lost the vibrant outgoing woman I once was and wonder how I will ever get 'me' back.  Now it's Valentine's Day and I miss Ernie even more as I know all of us are going to miss our spouses.  I am having such a rough day waiting for the phone to ring from my doctor's office and then having to see the specialist.  I feel right now I will have no peace in my life. 

 

Forgive me for being so depressing, but I am at my wits end and having a hard time hanging in there.  I just want to lay down and pull the quilt over my head blocking out reality,

 

   

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Nancy, Hair and boobs.....you are so much more than that!!!!! the hair will grow back and  the boobs...let see at least they won't sink to your knees when the bra comes off...LOL  Just trying to tell you we care and it is so much better you had this done so you will be with your kids...Two parents is just to much...1 is to much? with love and many hugs to you, kathleen and Marcy, you give us strength.

It's good to hear you have support Nancy, I have 5 sisters but I am the 6th of 7 kids. When it gets to this time in life everyone has set themselves into a life of their own. I feel isolated yet targeted for everyones attention. I am so happy you have set a program.... a plan for distractions. Good for you to have a plan for Disney!!!!

I have made myself unavailable....for the last couple of years. I feel vulnerable and exposed so I have kept to myself for many months. I missed church 4 out of 5 weeks for the last 2 years. I was a singer, worship team leader, 20 years plus.... but I felt exposed and unable to hold it together to face people. Singing made me cry....OF course!!! We sing of heaven where our loved ones are...even today...Yeah I can't think of doing that yet! But I do (sing) in the congregation..... I dreampt of being naked to the world yet trying to guard and protect myself.... It comes down to this, we as individuals must protect ourselves as we work our way through this no mans land....We have to protect this weak and exposed individual. You have to step up and know (YOU!!!) are the one to guard! It may seem indulgent...but we are wounded...seeking comfort and peace. I am happy that you have been able to find "normalacy" through all of this...like I said, I think God knew I was at my whits end and I couldn't be pushed any more.

 When I had my mastectomies they placed expanders in and I awoke without the sense of loss. (Oct 11th)I still had my breasts though sore. They still had to fill them the next few weeks. Three months later I had the permanent trade outs...that was Jan 12th. I must say I feel like The 20 year old you were talking about.....Still recovering yet better looking than I've ever been!!!!This is doable!! I am sorry that you have to go through the loss of your hair. I found that if it had come down to that I was a hermit and no one saw me anyway.....You will find time flies and you can handle so much more than you ever realized! I was 50 when Wade passed away. I'm 53 now.... Not a whole lot wiser but I know what I have been through and how I feel...still vulnerable..yet I know God is my protector!

You are so very early on in your journey. Do not expect too much of yourself. This May 18 it will be 3 years since Wade left but I feel so very tender and exposed still. Do not sell yourself short You need time and that is OK!!!!! You are a champion my friend.....give yourself room and space to grieve!!! Blessings and hugs...Kathleen

Thank you Julie, One parent is too much and that is why I pushed over the top to make sure I was protected as much as possible from the unpredicable disease of cancer. When they did the tests on my tissue samples after the surgery they found pre cancerous tissue in the non-cancer breast.  I do feel blessed to be clean of that hateful diease! God is wise and I have to trust his guidance!!!!! Thank you for your interest, care and concern. Our daughter has plans for a big wedding on the 13th of Oct.....just made..... I will be there for that!!!  Wow do I ever feel old and sad my honey will not be there!!!!  Thanks for the support and empathy.....Kathleen

 

Kathleen, I understand that, Misty got engaged in Jan and will be getting married in 2013 so I get that. NO daddy or brother to walk her down the aisle. but it is what it is and I will have that honor!  much love and i am glad to know you.

Hi Julie .... sorry for taking so long in answering your post.  I went and saw the gyno and really liked her.  She immediately gave her condolences re Ernie's death and was very sympathetic,   but got to the point at hand which I appreciated.  She said she was sure that the cyst was not cancerous because there was no 'markers.'   Because I have learned through research that in Canada when you hit about 50 you get so-so medical care and the older you get they figure you have one foot on a banana peel and the other 6 feet under to put in bluntly.  Hard to believe, but it's true.  I am going to be talking to my GP about it as he's not afraid to tell the truth.  I let the gyno know that Ernie had a cyst on his pancreas and although my cyst was on another organ I felt all cysts should be removed to be on the safe side.  She didn't put up a fight and is sending me for an Ultra Sound because she said it would show more of what was going on with the ovary!  Double standard or what!  She said I could have the cyst removed on an out-patient basis and she would set it up after the Ultra Sound and so I sit and wait until March 1st for the Ultra SounD and then mid-March to see the specialist again.  I am getting to the point of not expecting all that much and feel numb; just dealing with things as they come.  I am angry that I have to do my own homework on health care and financial issues (which are also pending ... another thing I am trying to resolve) and it's pure exhausting.  I honestly want to get things over with and move on in my life.  I have a good witty sense of humor and I see it coming back a little more as time goes by.  However, I doubt I will ever be 'me' again and have to reach back in time before I met Ernie as to who I was and that as you know is not an easy task.

 

I must try that stone ... anything to help!  I am desperate and the dreams don't make sense.  Although I don't see Ernie's face he has been in many of my dreams and he is either hurtful to me or is cheating which I truly don't understand as he was a gentle giant; extremely loyal\ loved  me and for the most part we got along very well.  I can't remember the hazy dreams to write them down and figure out why I wake up feeling terrible.

 

Julie, I have many regrets in our marriage too, but have come to learn that for the most part we had fantastic marriages and if anyone says they got along 100% in their marriage it is simply not the truth. We can say hurtful things to each other if angry, but that is human nature and I have looked at the many good things about our marriage.  The last 6 years of Ernie being ill took it's toll on both of us.  A psychologist I went too told me to get two sheets of paper and write what my regrets were on one sheet and all the great things in my marriage regarding Ernie and put the two sheets of paper away for a few days; take them out and read them and then you can see that the marriage was a good one.  I am so sorry you had to go through losing Kyle and that is the hardest loss of all.  From knowing a couple of friends and reading about such a loss it is not uncommon for a couple to drift apart emotionally because of the loss.  Each partner is hurting and dealing with the grief at their own pace and it's human to forget how the other partner is feeling when you are grieving so much yourself so please don't beat yourself up over that one.

 

Jim loves you even now and I know Jim is around you as Ernie is around me.  They are in a better place and we are still here and I truly believe they guide us along with God in a good direction so we can still have a relatively happy life.  I think the worst thing is 'not knowing' answers to our many questions.  There is a deafening silence and each of us that has lost a loved one has to get through their grieving and try to find happiness in life.  Now we have to get to know who 'we' are in order to move forward and that's one heck of a journey as most spouses have put themselves last while looking after others.

 

I am up to my eyeballs in doctors; trying to look after myself and keeping busy every day as well as getting the dogs out for a walk every day to clear the cobwebs out of my mind.  I have difficulties navigating this forum as my mind is racing away on other things.  If you like please email me at my personal email  Maday1@shaw.ca    I'd love to hear from you.

 

God bless and a big hug from me to you!

 

Marcy   

Marcy, I have been waiting to find out your results...I have an amatheyst stone that is suppose to take away bad dreams, I am having these weird bad dreams also...  I think it is our conscience not allowing the reality it,  Jim left 11-23-11 and the dreams are beginning to subside, but I have been diligently working on regrets, guilt and telling him of the love we truly had.  We had a great marriage, yet when Kyle was killed we drifted apart emotionally, and verbally. the love was always there but.....if you cannot get result to go through the site e-mail me privately.  Girl...our minds are just not fully loaded right now.. I believe god does this until we find what works for us to begin to pick of the shattered pieces of our lives.

Kathleen ...  if I have already answered this post please forgive me as I am up to my eyeballs in doctors and also financial issues so I will have some money to hire a gardener and a handyman and I wanted some good advice from a long-time friend who is Ernie's and my CGA and he just phoned and straightened everything out for me.

 

My wee girl, you don't spend over half your life with your loved one; lose them and then try to get them out of your mind in a year or even two years.  I know how you feel as I too feel an anger deep inside because Ernie is gone.  Our husbands were our best friends as well and even though Ernie is not here in body I know our mates are here in spirit.  Every so often I give myself a good slap on the face and tell myself that Ernie wouldn't like it if I just gave up and retreated from life, but, like you, it's an easy thing to say and difficult to do.  Sometimes I feel so lonely I would give up everything I own just to see Ernie and have one of his huge bear hugs, but also realize this is a lesson learned that material things don't matter and I need to stop and smell the flowers.  I am surrounded mostly by female family and friends although a couple of my girlfriend's husbands help me out here and there.  It is too bad all of us on this forum live so far from each other and it would be fantastic if we lived closer and could meet once a week or even once a month.  By being on this forum it too has helped me and I've grown to think of most on here as my extended family.  It feels so good not to have to worry about expressing your feelings and being ridiculed for it.  I was so lucky to have stumbled on this forum just as you said. 

 

So pick up those bloomers girlie ... shake your head; push your hair down from that standing position; stick two pieces of Kleenex up each nostril and know you are loved by many on here.  Even though your pain is difficult you are so awesome to help many on here and I feel honored knowing you. 

 

My lights are on at home, but as they say ... no one is home!  Ha, ha.  I find it difficult to move around the forum at times as I have so much on my mind.  I left Julie my email address so if you want it please feel free.

 

A huge hug & God bless you 

 

Marcy 

Marcie, your poem is beautiful. I know how tough the first year is and I wish I had found this site then. I was at 2 years when I found it and I still feel weepy, angry, stunned (off and on). Yeah can you believe? I know that you have some wonderful friends and I'm so glad they are there for you right now.

Marcy, I still have the concern with your weight loss.   I had cyst on my ovaries and it was painful and pre cancer but I never had wt loss like that, but I suppose depression could cause that.  Ihave finally got myself to stop eating so much I am an over eater during stress situations.  I am down at at leasts 8 lbs only 50 more to go sending hugs right back to you much love also

Hi Julie ...  When my father had his stroke and I was working plus helping my mom cope with his needs and eventually he died of a massive heart attack I lost weight like this, but this weight is different because I was only in my 30s when my dad died in 1973 and now I am 70 and have lost muscle tone and fat.  I am eating well and get the munchies.  I think I have gained a couple of pounds.  However, when one loses weight (I haven't grieved this badly in my life) it is a concern.  I am fearful the doctors will miss the reason for the weight loss as they have told me it is probably due to the grieving and it is possible.  I have no pain with my cyst at all.  Most people do gain weight in stressful situations and I am researching like crazy and hope to write a book on 'weight loss due to stress' because everything is about losing weight and not how you gain weight.   GREAT!  So glad you have lost some weight.  I have been heavy in the past during menopause and lost 40 lbs. on Weight Watchers.  Talk about a kick in the butt .. now I'm trying to gain weight and putting on weight is more difficult than taking it off.  I am checking out personal trainers to get my muscle tone back and also see what is out there for a nutritionist, but I think it will be too expensive for me as far as the personal trainer goes.  Here comes another couple of mountains to climb!  Har, har.

 

Loads of love

Marcy 
 
Julie Stearns said:

Marcy, I still have the concern with your weight loss.   I had cyst on my ovaries and it was painful and pre cancer but I never had wt loss like that, but I suppose depression could cause that.  Ihave finally got myself to stop eating so much I am an over eater during stress situations.  I am down at at leasts 8 lbs only 50 more to go sending hugs right back to you much love also

Just like the miley cyrus song always gonna be another mountain and we are always gonna wanna make it move everyday is an uphill battle we are never gonna lose...Keep me posted and I will put your email inot my contacts.


Julie, I am so sorry to hear of your losses. I cannot imagine loseing one of my kids. I have 2 sons (Nick and Steven) as well as my daughter Becca. She has been engaged over a year but has had a hard time moving into the planning. She was her Daddy's girl and the thought of him not being there is heart wrenching. I this odd... her fiance's name is Kyle. I know that his name being the same as your sons will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. God is a master puzzle maker.... I know we will see all of our loved ones in heaven and I'll bet they are all enjoying one another right now and they feel excited that we are meeting. My honey Wade was the social one. Everyone loved him... Funny... interested in every one especially little kids! He was a kid magnet. Which was a huge loss to me and the kids because we never got to have our own grandbabies.... while he was alive.

My story I mentioned at his memorial was I awoke the kids around 3 AM the morning he passed knowing Wades time was close and Becca our daughter was holding his hand, each of us saying good bye yet together. Becca said "Daddy go and find our babies when you get to heaven so they will know you before they come down here". It had not entered my mind and that was a redeeming thought! Wow my anger over that was drenched like a fire being smothered. 

 At the service I had numerous people come up to me and thank me for shareing that because they had unresolved issues about that very thing and it was a huge gift and it gave them a peace immediately.

 Later down the road (a couple of months later) I came across a verse Psalms 22:29-31 It says that they who cannot keep themselves alive shall bow before God and prosterity will serve him. It will be recounted of the Lord to the next generation. They will come and declare his righteousness to a people YET UNBORN! That he has done this..... I was so excited to find this! I could just see Wade in the Babies/kids waiting  room sharing with them up there in heaven!!!!

There is so much to share yet I know each of you here will have your own "revelations" that will give you a fraction of peace. Our Ebeneezer moments where we mark that moment and say God was with me.....Is with me....Hugs to you and all of you great supporters!!! 


 Julie Stearns said:

Kathleen, I understand that, Misty got engaged in Jan and will be getting married in 2013 so I get that. NO daddy or brother to walk her down the aisle. but it is what it is and I will have that honor!  much love and i am glad to know you.

Marcie I can understand what you are going through with all the waiting and craziness. I think I mentioned to you my sister had a couple of tumors/lesions on her liver discovered a couple of months before my diagnosis. They told her that she had cancer then a couple od weeks later they said OH maybe not. They did a biopsy and it wasn't cancerous. The big thing here is they don't want to do anything about them even though she lives in constant pain and nausea. She is still dealing with them and trying to find a solution.

I hope and pray that your Drs will be able to come to a quick conclusion and you can have this dealt with and your worries set to rest!

Marcie you do seem to be doing well in your outlook, not to say you are not grieving or you are all better. I know better than that. I wish we were all closer too. It would be easier to hash out our concerns....cry together, pray together. See in the flesh that we are not nuts! (I'm sure we would laugh together too)

I pray that you would be able to retreat to the place in your life before Ernie was sick in your dreams. I know that Wade wasn't his self the last couple of months and that's tough that you dealt with Earnie being sick much longer than Wade. Wade had 10 months from his diagnosis.

I can still see your bright humerous self coming out and you are a gem! Thank you for keeping us in the loop....Hugs to you my friend...Kathleen


 
Marcy Dawn Maday said:

Kathleen ...  if I have already answered this post please forgive me as I am up to my eyeballs in doctors and also financial issues so I will have some money to hire a gardener and a handyman and I wanted some good advice from a long-time friend who is Ernie's and my CGA and he just phoned and straightened everything out for me.

 

My wee girl, you don't spend over half your life with your loved one; lose them and then try to get them out of your mind in a year or even two years.  I know how you feel as I too feel an anger deep inside because Ernie is gone.  Our husbands were our best friends as well and even though Ernie is not here in body I know our mates are here in spirit.  Every so often I give myself a good slap on the face and tell myself that Ernie wouldn't like it if I just gave up and retreated from life, but, like you, it's an easy thing to say and difficult to do.  Sometimes I feel so lonely I would give up everything I own just to see Ernie and have one of his huge bear hugs, but also realize this is a lesson learned that material things don't matter and I need to stop and smell the flowers.  I am surrounded mostly by female family and friends although a couple of my girlfriend's husbands help me out here and there.  It is too bad all of us on this forum live so far from each other and it would be fantastic if we lived closer and could meet once a week or even once a month.  By being on this forum it too has helped me and I've grown to think of most on here as my extended family.  It feels so good not to have to worry about expressing your feelings and being ridiculed for it.  I was so lucky to have stumbled on this forum just as you said. 

 

So pick up those bloomers girlie ... shake your head; push your hair down from that standing position; stick two pieces of Kleenex up each nostril and know you are loved by many on here.  Even though your pain is difficult you are so awesome to help many on here and I feel honored knowing you. 

 

My lights are on at home, but as they say ... no one is home!  Ha, ha.  I find it difficult to move around the forum at times as I have so much on my mind.  I left Julie my email address so if you want it please feel free.

 

A huge hug & God bless you 

 

Marcy 

 

Kathleen, it doesn't suprise me at all that your son in law to be name is Kyle,  I tell you our spouses brought us together  here in this forum so that we would be ok.  I love your memory and thanks so much for sharing it. It brought me great peace also, what a treasure. Just dads way of letting her know Love Never Dies....  I have lost a child and cannot imagine living though it....I have had more pain in my life than one should ever endure, but god has a purpose for me and it is my job to find and complete... Love and hugs

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