DOES IT EVER END?

It is almost 10 months since my beloved Ernie passed away from pancreatic cancer and it's been a rough road. It has taken all my energy just to get through the grieving process. On "Sept. 11th, my cat Molly passed away (5 months after Ernie passed) without warning which shocked me. I managed to get over that. I encircle myself with family and friends; take my dogs for a walk, but even though I was eating much better I continued to lose a lot of weight and it is frightening to eat and see such a great weight loss. I just knew it was not all about grieving and went to see my doctor and had a CT Scan done. I received a call from my doctor's office and he said from the person who read the CT Scan that I had a healthy pancreas; liver; kidneys and lungs (which I feel blessed for) BUT they found a 6.2 cm cyst on my left ovary (just over 2 inches.) I was stunned because Ernie had exactly the same size cyst on his pancreas. The person who read the CT Scan said they did not think it was cancer, but in brackets said they could not be sure. I am stunned; waiting for a call from the specialist to see when I can get in to see her. My doctor told me not to worry, but women know better. Not having surgery is not an option even if the cyst is not cancerous. Nothing has gone right for me since the loss of Ernie and I am so thin and frail I don't even want to go outside, but force myself. I am worried that they will do a complete hysterectomy on me because in British Columbia, Canada specialists feel 50 and over you might as well have one, but I do not do well on HRT (yes, even though one has gone through the worst of menopause you still produce some estrogen) and these are all questions I need to ask my specialist. It's the waiting! I feel like I am going down the same nightmare road I went through with Ernie with the long wait until it was too late. My family and friends can stare at me as if I'm going to drop dead at any given moment and it makes me nervous and depressed all at the same time. I've lost the vibrant outgoing woman I once was and wonder how I will ever get 'me' back. Now it's Valentine's Day and I miss Ernie even more as I know all of us are going to miss our spouses. I am having such a rough day waiting for the phone to ring from my doctor's office and then having to see the specialist. I feel right now I will have no peace in my life.

Forgive me for being so depressing, but I am at my wits end and having a hard time hanging in there. I just want to lay down and pull the quilt over my head blocking out reality,

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Permalink Reply by nancy on February 18, 2012 at 11:44am

Vee, beautiful prayer.

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on February 19, 2012 at 4:13am

My dearest Vee ....

What a beautiful post and thank you from my heart for your loving prayer as it has given me more strength. How beautifully you let the wisdom of the Lord as well as your own flow to the rest of us. I feel much like you do as far as what you say, but sometimes one of us stumbles and it is the greatest feeling to be lifted up by you and others and to feel strength come back into oue bodies once again. It humbles me to realize through the haze of grief that others here and many more like us are grieving for our loved one and puts things into perspective. We are all warriors!

You are a treasure with a kind spirit and may God bless you.

Hugs

Marcy

Marcy, I am taking your situation before the throne of grace. I think there is a part of all of us that wants to join our loved ones in eternal rest to reconnect with that missing piece of our souls. But you know what? God has a purpose and a plan for our lives. We are still here, so He has a plan for us. For all that you are going through, your indomitable will is a guiding light to those of us that are going through this tunnel with you.

I draw strength from you, that despite what you are going through you are giving to all of us and teaching us that we have to listen to our bodies. I believe your Ernie is watching over you. Yes, your family and friends are concerned about you, because they don't want to lose you. My family and friends are, too, concerned about me. Yet, I just want you to know that you have many friends here. I am praying that God will lead you to learn to see what Ernie saw in you. Embrace what Ernie saw in you. I am trying to learn to see what Lawrence saw in me other than a woman who loved him with all the love she could muster. Nurture that part that he loved.

Here is my prayer for you. God open up doors she can't see and give her the blessing of life. Along with that blessing, Lord, renew her belief in life and show her what path she should take. You gave her the assignment of Ernie, and she worked diligently in that assignment to be the woman you would have her be. Lord, help her to find meaning and strength. Take her through this battle, and show her your love, your light, and your mercy. God, she has a purpose, and I know you have a plan for her life. Help her with this weight loss. Help her feel joy again as we all want to feel joy again.

Dear, Heavenly Father, I ask you to help her understand and accept that Ernie is in eternal rest. He smiles when she smiles. He knows the ending of the story now. He awaits her and will greet her when she completes her assignment. Father, let her story be a testimony to all of us who struggle. I believe in you, Father, and I believe in her. Though I've never met her, I know that your glory surrounds her. Thank you right now, in the precious name of Jesus. Let your blood that you sprinkled on the mercy seat be against these situations that are trying her and threatening her joy. Right now, Father, I lift her up and all those on this discussion who are being challenged because their hedge, their partner, has been removed. Father, I thank you for her deliverance. Amen.

Marcy, God bless you. I will continue to pray for all of us. I am not an exception to the internal and external struggle that has ensued against us with the loss of our loved ones. Blessings, my friend!

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on February 19, 2012 at 4:17am

Julie ... I totally agree about Vee's beautiful post and the wisdom from her. I also know we are a wonderful group on here and when is falling we catch them. We are warriors! We should be proud of ourselves for carrying such a heavy load and getting through the rough patches from a lot of help from the friends we have made on this forum.

Bless each and every one of you.

Marcy

Vee, This is a beautiful post and so beautifully written. Marcy, I couldn't agree with her more! much love to everyone here.

Permalink Reply by Julie Stearns on February 19, 2012 at 2:59pm

Marcy, very well said! absolutely, and you know I think probably our spouses knew we needed help and sent us in the right direction of the right people. thank you all!

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on February 19, 2012 at 3:33pm

Julie, I totally agree with you that our spouses are our guiding light to help us through our tough times. I have been plagued with disturbing dreams (can't remember most of them) but do wake up unnerved and it's driving me crazy as many of us depend on a good nights rest as that is often the only escape we have from reality. I have no idea why this is happening. I have yet to have a pleasant dream about my Ernie and I sure wish I would. Still, trying to post as to what happened at my specialists office, but no luck as when I hit 'send' it doesn't do anything so will try again. Maybe I'm losing a few brain cells ... the lights are on, but no one is home ... a few pickles short of a jar. Ha, ha.

Julie Stearns said:

Marcy, very well said! absolutely, and you know I think probably our spouses knew we needed help and sent us in the right direction of the right people. thank you all!

Permalink Reply by Kathleen Franck on February 19, 2012 at 4:08pm

Thank you Julie, for the hugs and prayers there can never be too many of them. I have been reading the comments off and on for the last week and I have so much to say/share I don't share at all. I am so sorry that you are here (the result of a devestating loss) though I know that the support offered here is a huge blessing when you feel like you're going crazy and when you can offer comfort....Thanks for reaching out to so many

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Julie Stearns said:

Kathleen, you to are an inspiration, sending you hugs and many prayers that life hands you only gentleness and god contines to cradle you in his loving arms.

Permalink Reply by Kathleen Franck on February 19, 2012 at 4:14pm

Marcie, your poem is beautiful. I know how tough the first year is and I wish I had found this site then. I was at 2 years when I found it and I still feel weepy, angry, stunned (off and on). Yeah can you believe? I know that you have some wonderful friends and I'm so glad they are there for you right now.

Permalink Reply by Julie Stearns on February 19, 2012 at 4:37pm

Kathleen, I truly do believe that having sites like this help us to go though teh grief process. I knew immediately I had to find a site.as when I lost my son I didn't and it wasn't until I found other moms that I began to grow and to find was in which to cope.

Permalink Reply by Julie Stearns on February 19, 2012 at 4:51pm

Marcy, I have been waiting to find out your results...I have an amatheyst stone that is suppose to take away bad dreams, I am having these weird bad dreams also... I think it is our conscience not allowing the reality it, Jim left 11-23-11 and the dreams are beginning to subside, but I have been diligently working on regrets, guilt and telling him of the love we truly had. We had a great marriage, yet when Kyle was killed we drifted apart emotionally, and verbally. the love was always there but.....if you cannot get result to go through the site e-mail me privately. Girl...our minds are just not fully loaded right now.. I believe god does this until we find what works for us to begin to pick of the shattered pieces of our lives.

Permalink Reply by Kathleen Franck on February 19, 2012 at 5:19pm

O.K. I'm learning I should never post without saving it some where else. I have commented but lost more than one.

Vee your prayer for Marcie was clearly lead by the spirit.

I claim for each of us in that prayer that we can find our new purpose and direction in this new life. We need to be willing to listen to the voice of God encouraging us in the right direction.

It is so very difficult when you have been a team for so many years to see a future at all. Especially when all of your previous hopes and dreams were as a couple.

So much of our grieving is for the loss of those dreams. Just a small part of what we lost when our other half died.

Marcie you are a delight with your joking. I know what you mean about the stranger in the mirror : )

I think God realized that I was so very overwhelmed by everything in my life after Wades death he knew I could not handle but one issue at a time.

Though getting cancer is never good....in any time frame.

My 3 adult children were living with us the last 10 months of Wades life and they stayed on here with me till I got tired of them...I would laugh but it's the truth.

To be fair with this economy there was unemployment issues too.

So almost 3 years altogether. I know they were worried about me and felt the need to "take care of me". But it was postponing "real life" for me. My last son moved out in July and I found out in August I had breast cancer. (Just when at long last I was alone.) God was keeping tabs on me and holding me accountable to take care of this body. If it had happened earlier in my journey of grief I'm afraid I would have wanted to just go home to be with Wade. I was that distraught.

As it ended up I was blessed to have a choice when so many do not get one. I chose to have double mastectomies to ensure that I would have the best chances possible. My lymph nodes it ended up were not involved and I was blessed and relieved again to not have to have chemo or radiation. Nancy you need to be very gentle with yourself and do not expect too much too soon as far as recovery from your surgery. I LOVED your T shirt logo and I laughed. I need to get one of those for myself. I pray for you to have the strength and support you need as you go through Chemo.

It sounds that we have a very solid group here in the way of knowing we must choose life and that this is not the end.....Heaven awaits! Though if anyone had said such a thing before this loss I would not have really understood. Thank you all for the encouraging words being posted and basic common sense..... Wish we could all hang out and hug and cry...and encourage in the flesh! Blessings to each one here, Kathleen

Permalink Reply by Julie Stearns on February 19, 2012 at 6:22pm

Kathleen, beautiful post!We are certainly honored to have you also

Permalink Reply by nancy on February 19, 2012 at 9:21pm

Kathleen, thank you so much. I do have a ton of support from my family and especially John's family. I don't have any sisters but I have 5 wonderful SIL's. They have come and stayed with me, brought me to appts., went boob browsing with me, etc.

I also chose the double mastectomy. Cancer was only in one side. Due to the size of the tumor and number of tumors I have to have chemo. My lymph nodes were cancer free also.I've been told by other breast cancer survivors to rest up because the surgery is the easiest part. I had already made reservations for a very needed and deserved vacation to Disney with my 2 adult sons, so the dr. has agreed to let me wait until we get back to start chemo. He said if he gave me a treatment first I would start to lose my hair while I was away. My hair will fall out within 3 weeks! Like I said in another post I feel like I am being stripped of everything.

On a lighter note, my 19 year old son that lives with me wants to go wig shopping with me. I told him he can't try to make me a Hannah Montana with the long wavy beautiful hair! I get to turn 50 this year..yeah!! I tell my friends since my surgery I look down and look like a 6 year old 50 year old. But after my reconstructive surgery I will look like a 25 year old 50 year old!

Kathleen, you are not the first person to tell me to take it easy.I don't wait well, even to heal! I wish I could go to work yesterday. That has been my therapy for months. I visited work today and now I miss the socialization and drama so much. It's a place that takes the spotlight off of me and I love to hear about everybody else's lives. My coworkers have been extremely supportive. I only started working there in July. John had worked there 29 years so that was family. I worked with disabled children for 20 and had to have a part time job also because this field doesn't pay well. John convinced me to come work with him for double the pay and better ins., 401K. I thank God for his insight. I would never be able to pay my bills otherwise. Everything certainly happens for a reason. I am so very blessed especially now.

I need to get focused on healing and spending time with God to give me the strength for what's next.

Prayers and hugs to all. Thank you for all of your encouragement. Hopefully, it won't be long before I can be encouraging to you. Nancy