don't know how to find my way...

On September 21, I received the worst news of my life. My 22 year old son, who had been suffering from depression for 9 years had taken his life. I had moved to my new home in August. My son lived with my ex-husband since the divorce 3 years ago, and we had a close relationship. On Friday, Sept. 20th I was at work. I am an RN and had started my new job on Sept. 3rd. So many changes in my life at once. It was supposed to be a happy time. I left work and didn't get very far and ended up in a car accident that did some significant damage to my car. It had to be towed and I was 3 hours late for getting home due to organizing the repair with the auto shop and picking up a rental car to hold me over. I received a call from my ex husband saying my son had left the house in a bad mood and he wanted me to call him to see how he was and what was going on. I called my son at 6:41... no answer. My son's car was found by his ex-girlfriend at 10:30pm at their place of work. She ended up calling the police because he was no where to be found. The police set up a K-9 search team and searched for him throughout the night all while keeping in contact with me to keep me updated. this had never happened before, and he never not came home at night - ever. He also never declined a call from me... ever. I called him 81 times that night.... left messages and texts... no reply. At 12:30 I received a call from my sister saying he was found alive and well. I called the detective in charge of the search and he told me that the state police were involved and they were going to call me right away... ten minutes later, they pulled up in front of my home. That is when I was told that he was found and not alive.

I am lost, I have no idea how to move on. I feel like I am in a tunnel and the world is going on... and I am not. I don't know how to deal with it. I feel like I am going backwards. As the days go on, I feel darker... more lost. I don't know what to do.

Tammie

Recommend

0 members like this

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Caryn Hersh on October 23, 2013 at 4:00pm

Tammie don't feel selfish, do what you need to do for yourself right now. You need to heal and that isn't selfish. Therapy should help, if you don't click with your therapist find another one and keep trying til you find the right one for you. I couldn't deal with other people's stories for a while, now it helps me feel that I am not alone in my grief or my pain and it lets me know that some of the "crazy" things I feel aren't crazy but are actually normal and that can be very reassuring when you start to think you are losing it.

Permalink Reply by Angela Hodges on October 31, 2013 at 7:09pm

So sorry for your lost. Here are some things that might help you through the grieving process. Keep a list of comforting bible passages, and refer to them at least once each day here is one Psalms 94:19 Reach out to a compassionate confidant. Talking things out may lighten your load and Meditate on the Bibles promise of a resurrection found at John 5:28,29

Permalink Reply by Dianne on November 11, 2013 at 10:43pm

Hi Tammie. I am sorry to hear about your son. But what you can do now which I could not do when my father died at the hand of suicide is to hold on to God. In those dark hours, hold on to God. Yes, you feel like you are in a tunnel. You may feel as if you're on a roller coaster. Sometimes you are up and sometimes you are down. You are lost at the moment, but God is right there beside you. He is the footprints in the sand. Call on God. He hears you. That is the truth. He hears your cry and He is bottling your tears. I hope to hear back from you.

Permalink Reply by Margo powell on November 11, 2013 at 11:02pm

Tammie, I agree with the other comments but just want to add something I found to be a helpful practice in getting through my most severe trials. Set little goals for yourself and keep focusing on them. Take things one step at a time and know you are moving forward. Time doesn't heal all wounds but it helps us develop coping mechanisms and a better understanding. With God's help you will eventually find peace and the ability to cope with this new reality. May you be blessed along your journey:)

Permalink Reply by Tammie McNally on November 12, 2013 at 1:24pm

Thank you. I have started counseling to help with the grief. It is still so raw. Michael's birthday is on Nov. 30th. He would have been 23. There isn't a day that goes by that I can get through without crying, yet I still function… It just amazes me how family and friends push away from suicide… like they may catch it or something. I think if he died in an accident or another way things would be different in terms of support. It saddens me.

Permalink Reply by Margo powell on November 12, 2013 at 3:07pm

Tammie, one of the saddest comments echoed over and over by survivors following their loved ones suicide is that people react in very bizarre ways. Very much like you expressed. It's a very revealing time immediately after someone has taken their life.
Just be grateful you are one that has a truly loving heart! My daughter has had 5 male friends take their lives. It seems many people are void of the ability to feel real compassion and grief:(. This is one of those times in life, you will know who your REAL friends are. Dissension often arises in families. Many individuals are unable to cope with the aftermath. The only thing you have control over is how you choose to react. If others hurt you because of their lack of caring and emotion, you may find greater peace from separating yourself from them. It is a cruel fact:(

Permalink Reply by Tammie McNally on November 12, 2013 at 3:16pm

Yes Margo, that is what I did. I have 6 siblings and it's difficult for them to call me now. My parents are guilty of it too. I just can't be bothered with making them feel bad about it. I am just trying to get through the grief, but it still bothers me.

Margo powell said:

Tammie, one of the saddest comments echoed over and over by survivors following their loved ones suicide is that people react in very bizarre ways. Very much like you expressed. It's a very revealing time immediately after someone has taken their life.
Just be grateful you are one that has a truly loving heart! My daughter has had 5 male friends take their lives. It seems many people are void of the ability to feel real compassion and grief:(. This is one of those times in life, you will know who your REAL friends are. Dissension often arises in families. Many individuals are unable to cope with the aftermath. The only thing you have control over is how you choose to react. If others hurt you because of their lack of caring and emotion, you may find greater peace from separating yourself from them. It is a cruel fact:(