My father passed away August 18, last year, a day after my birthday. I live in Texas and my entire family lives in NY (where I was raised and lived for 22 years). Once I got married I moved to Georgia (husband was in the military). It almost seems as every few months I start the grieving process all over again. I am assuming since I only saw him once a year (living so far away) and not talking on the phone very often (he was very ill with cancer the last year and a half) makes it seem as though he is still living. I am usually a very calm, timid person - up until last week. I recently participated in the Relay for Life in my local community and on top of that experienced my first Father's Day with him not here. I blew up and yelled at my husband on Father's Day. I feel horrible for doing it now. I told him I hated him, that he was a piece of ****, that I hated myself for not spending a Holiday with my Father for the past 7 years, that I should have spent more time with the one man who loved me unconditionally rather than him. Sounds painful right? I am sure it makes me appear to be a hateful, spiteful person. If you only knew the past in my marriage and the infidelity on my husbands part. Afterwards we sat down and talked. He said I needed to forgive myself for feeling so guilty not being around my father before I can forgive him. I understand that and I agree.
Sorry is this seems to be all over the place.
If anyone has any words of wisdom I would greatly appreciate it.

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At 12:30pm on February 22, 2012, Theresa LaSalle said…

Hi Ella,

I lost my mom Vicky December 24, 2010.  I wasn't there for her when she died.

I was planning to spend the whole week with her.  I saw her Wednesday night and spoke  to her Thursday night. I felt she was going to die any moment. I had planned on spending the whole week with her because I teach and I would be off  the whole week.

I had the nerve to get a manicure thursday night..after I spoke to her on the phone as she tried to speak but was unable. I told her on the phone that I love her and was coming for the week.  The following morning I had to clean my apartment because I wanted to come home to a clean apt. when the week was done.  She died as I was cleaning...and I wasn't there. I knew she would die at any moment and I chose to get a manicure because my nails were a mess and i wanted to feel as together as possible for the week she would die. And I was cleaning and the most precious woman in my life died without me there. The aid was there in her house....and my stepdad was upstairs..the aid was the last one I believe that my mom saw before she died. My stepfather came running down and he wasn't sure if she died before he got there or when he was there...anyway...the aid, Janice was wonderful. My mom was fond of her.

I have chosen to be denial with the last moments of her life and me being Ms. Orderly...

She got really sick around October/November and was gone by December 24th. Kind of like  your mom so quickly gone...she stopped eating too.

I know how you feel..and I thank you for writing as you are helping me express my feelings which I camouflage quite a bit. 


One thing I can tell you for sure I am a mother of grown sons. I am 64....and I love my two sons so, so much...that when I go...and if they are not there I would never ever want them to feel guilty..so please know that when....in fact if they were at baseball game while I was leaving this earth...that would make me very happy.

Ann...I sent this earlier in the year to Ella and Karen. I copied and pasted it for you.

I'm still having trouble forgiving myself. I am so tired of my guilt as when I feel guilty I don't let

my mom's wonderful memories in...I keep her at distance....a distance that is much more "larger"

than not being there the morning she died.  I feel somehow my mom is sad now...that I don't let

her warmth and beautiful memories in....because this guilt thing is like this dark, hard stonewall...and my mom wants to be with me..but I won't let her because of  this WALL OF GUILT.

Thanks for listening...this writing to you is helping me and I meant to help you...or maybe I knew it would help both of us.

Be good to yourself.

Theresa

Thank you for your words Theresa. So sorry for your loss. I pray for the day we are able to keep the memories close and re live them.

Ann believe me i know what you are feeling my dad passed away Nov3,2011 from advanced prostae cancer that turned into flesheating but to understand why i say i understand is a long story and you dont have to read it right off.I married in 1994 and even lived with my parent the first year. I have 2 other children before i met my husband i was never married. When we obtained our own house not to say my so called mother doesnt like my in laws or my youngest with my husband. I have a 31 year old and a high functioning disabled 26 year old daughter that has oppositional defiance disorder which if you have had any dealings with it a controlling grandmother ended up just a mess. About 5 years ago we placed her in a group home 3 other girls and 24 hour supervision. she had been taken advantage of sexually and money plus she was sleeping 17 hours a day waking me up at 2am for a drink so on so forth. Well this did not go over at all with my so called mother and when i left the house my so called sister got the control she wanted over my parents. I got disowned my daughter was told if she told me anything she wouldnt know anything.and was also told not to talk to me.this was mother and sister. When he got sick it probably total 2 years or more as he had lyme disease and lost use of his hands but got better. My sister is a screamer so when his kidneys started failing and the prostate cancer had spread to the bladder and bones agian found out through daughter. I saw my father everytime he was in the hospital but around here there is one spokesman for the family and she hates your guts is not telling you anything she some how gained power of attorney over both. So now the part comes. He had been on Chemo and i recieved a phone call out of the blue at 5:45pm on halloween night that my father wasnt to make it. I had no idea as i was kept from him. I had no idea this was what he had. Long story not short the flesh eating had eaten right through the abdomen to the bone and you can imagine the rest. he was on pain meds every 15 mins. they had him on 3 antibiotics and seeing what they could do during the night. the next day they went back in and it had spread up his back and down his legs. When i called the hospital i had to get approval from my so called sister to find out about the surgery and then approval to attend a meeting that night to decide to disconnect him the next day give him a couple of hours with him before he went to sleep for good.If you ever want to talk about feeling like an outsider thats what i felt like.Her only concern was that she wasted 18 months of her life lost her job and that  wasnt the reason why, and dont let him die on my birthdays her words. well the next day we went my so called mother never attended. He lasted 17 hours 15 sleeping and my so called sister and nephew went out to the waiting room to sleep. I touched his shoulder at 3:30 and told him and he passed. My so called sister will say he died by himself. Yes can that make you wonder even if you know he didnt. After we left that morning and yes he died on her birthday,Karma does come around the one person nobody wanted him with was the only one he died with and on her birthday. I had nothing to do  with the funeral home and he was cremated. My dad was a veteran but his ashes were not put at the veterans cemetary, I had asked for some ashes to wear in a necklace as they make them now and was told absolutely not. so i took his obituary picture and had it tattooed on my leg and the photos on the side you will see a framed picture of him.Even after all this i was told he didnt care if i was there or not,he is in a framed picture with 3 things in it.My father was the one who always picked my daughter up and took her to there house and the girls she lived with even called him grampa.there is no asking if he wanted me there as he is gone. Shortly after he passed i had a dream about him at the house of the guy who gave me the tattoo as he is the husband of my husband.I also got told recently that i had told my mother that i said i was going to kill her and my father told her to call the police. I never said that and why would you call me the night he was going to die. Your mood swings you are going to have and yes people are going to get it when it comes out. all the part of grieving. and the helpless feeling of not being close by is going to be there. I also have been told to forgive myself and to let go what everyone says. easier said than done.I only lived 20 mins away.you sound so much like me. with the exception of the looney tuney so called mother who tells her grandaughter that she hates her mother.Yes mine is all over the place also. I am here to talk to you maybe we can help each other. sorry so long

Hi Theresa,
Tomorrow would have been my mother's 65th birthday - I managed to put off thinking about it until a couple of hours ago, when I felt compelled to google "loss of mother does it ever get easier" because I really don't have anyone to talk to about these things and sometimes I just feel like I need reassurance that someone, somewhere,  might understand.   I've never felt compelled to actually join a group and participate until I read your post to Ella.  It was these words: I knew she would die at any moment and I chose to get a manicure because my nails were a mess and i wanted to feel as together as possible for the week she would die. that moved me to join this group and comment.  I lost my mom in December 2010 after a year long battle with cancer that I knew she had no chance of winning.  Although my parents were still together, it was me that went to every doctor's appointment, every treatment, every emergency room visit...I was by her side every day from the beginning, but I wasn't there at the very end.  Even though I was with her at hospice all day every day, I left early the night she passed because a pair of jeans I'd ordered online were delivered and all I could think about was getting home to try on my new jeans and how good I'd feel rockin' them the next day with my favorite boots.   She passed at 1am, and though I wouldn't have been there anyway, (my brother would stay so I could go home to sleep each night), I feel so guilty for thinking about those damn jeans during her last hours on earth.  Anyway...your words summed up my feelings so well somehow, I couldn't help but appreciate your honesty.  I hate that we both have to hurt this way, that we feel guilty for having normal thoughts and doing normal things that at any other moment in our lives would have been just...well, normal!  but I am so relieved to find that I am not alone.  I am not sure I have really even begun to work through my grief...I don't know how I'm going to feel about things when I wake up tomorrow...but for tonight, I feel better, and I thank you for that.


Theresa LaSalle said:

At 12:30pm on February 22, 2012, Theresa LaSalle said…

Hi Ella,

I lost my mom Vicky December 24, 2010.  I wasn't there for her when she died.

I was planning to spend the whole week with her.  I saw her Wednesday night and spoke  to her Thursday night. I felt she was going to die any moment. I had planned on spending the whole week with her because I teach and I would be off  the whole week.

I had the nerve to get a manicure thursday night..after I spoke to her on the phone as she tried to speak but was unable. I told her on the phone that I love her and was coming for the week.  The following morning I had to clean my apartment because I wanted to come home to a clean apt. when the week was done.  She died as I was cleaning...and I wasn't there. I knew she would die at any moment and I chose to get a manicure because my nails were a mess and i wanted to feel as together as possible for the week she would die. And I was cleaning and the most precious woman in my life died without me there. The aid was there in her house....and my stepdad was upstairs..the aid was the last one I believe that my mom saw before she died. My stepfather came running down and he wasn't sure if she died before he got there or when he was there...anyway...the aid, Janice was wonderful. My mom was fond of her.

I have chosen to be denial with the last moments of her life and me being Ms. Orderly...

She got really sick around October/November and was gone by December 24th. Kind of like  your mom so quickly gone...she stopped eating too.

I know how you feel..and I thank you for writing as you are helping me express my feelings which I camouflage quite a bit. 


One thing I can tell you for sure I am a mother of grown sons. I am 64....and I love my two sons so, so much...that when I go...and if they are not there I would never ever want them to feel guilty..so please know that when....in fact if they were at baseball game while I was leaving this earth...that would make me very happy.

Ann...I sent this earlier in the year to Ella and Karen. I copied and pasted it for you.

I'm still having trouble forgiving myself. I am so tired of my guilt as when I feel guilty I don't let

my mom's wonderful memories in...I keep her at distance....a distance that is much more "larger"

than not being there the morning she died.  I feel somehow my mom is sad now...that I don't let

her warmth and beautiful memories in....because this guilt thing is like this dark, hard stonewall...and my mom wants to be with me..but I won't let her because of  this WALL OF GUILT.

Thanks for listening...this writing to you is helping me and I meant to help you...or maybe I knew it would help both of us.

Be good to yourself.

Theresa

Hi Ann:

I am sorry for your loss and your subsequent feelings that you are going through. I have lost both of my parents and although I live close by, I still have guilty feelings that I deal with everyday...why didn't I do this, why didn't I go out there that weekend, why did I get angry about something so minor...etc. But I believe that our parents knew we loved them and that is the most important thing. And it sounds as if you loved your father a lot and I'm sure he knew that. I also think that it is great that you are participating in events such as Relay for Life. Good luck to you.

I live in NY too. I lost my dad 4/8/11 to leukemia he fought for 4 weeks and it was so out of the blue. I do the light the night walk and a lot of things in his memory. I have come to realize that the memories I have keep me going. People around me have to understand my grief and how I handle It. I seem to still be avoiding the grieving process.

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