Feeling very down and alone

For the past couple of weeks I have been very very down. I feel so alone, so broken. I just don't know what to do, how to get through this! It is going on 3 months now. I know it is still a short time, but all I see in my future is feeling like this forever. I have tried to do things to get on with 'life', but nothing is working. I spend time with the grand kids, and I am sad because they loved their granddad so much and now he is gone. My heart just breaks every time I see them. They talk about how much they miss him and I instantly cry. It seems like the kids have either gone on with their lives, or just don't seem to want to deal with me anymore. At first, I heard from them every day, now, it's only once in a while. I feel like they have all abandoned me. My parents and my brother and sister in law are the ones that are keeping me going. I try to be strong - every one tells me that I am - but they do not see the real me... the one who sits here every day and cries... the one who kisses his picture every night and tells him I love him as the tears roll down... the one who is shattered and doesn't know how to go on. When I moved, they made sure to pack all of the Christmas stuff. I told them to leave it because I didn't want it anymore, they wouldn't. My sister said that if I didn't at least put up a tree this year that I never would again. Who cares - Christmas is about family and sharing... the one I want to share things with is gone.

I am just so shattered... I feel like there is nothing left for me. I have always told our son that there is a reason for everything, but I just don't know what the reason for this is. We are not supposed to ask 'why', but I wish I knew. Why was he taken from me, why am I alone, why... why... why... People say they wish they could do something. The only thing I want is to have him back. As painful as it was to see him in the hospital that night, or the casket at the funeral, I would live that day again just to be able to touch him... to hold his hand.

I need the sun to shine again... I need to smile again.... I need to be happy again... Will this ever happen? How do I do this alone. Why do I have to do this alone?

I hope you all understand why I wrote this. I just needed to get it out and I know that if anyone would know why, it would be the group here.
Thanks for reading,
Tina

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Permalink Reply by Nancy Satterthwaite on September 22, 2010 at 1:27pm

Tina,

I am so sorry you feel so bad today. It hasn't been that long since his passed away, and what you are going through is natural grieving. You like me, had a lot of changes, not only did we lose our husbands, the love of our lives, but we also moved out of our homes which held such wonderful memories. Everything had changed, our lives have changed big time too.
It sounds like your brother and sister-in-law are there for you. Take advantage of that, and call them when you are sad and lonely, I have my daughters and son who are always there for me, I feel blessed.
No one has the reasons "Why", only God knows why. But I have been told our lives are like a tapestry, we don't see the top/beautiful side of it until we go to heaven and everything makes sense then, we are looking at the reverse side of it and everything looks goobaly gob, and nothing makes sense. We just need to trust in the Lord, and have faith that God is taking us through this awful time in our lives, and we are not alone, in time, we will be OK.
Do you have a Library close to you??? If so, go check out some inspirational books, it may give you comfort, or keep busy with other things that interest you. You will smile again,,,,it just takes time, and we have to give time, time.

Take care, do something special for yourself today. Take a bubble bath with candles, put his picture on the tub with the candles, grab a glass of wine, and feel his presence.

Nancy

Permalink Reply by J S on September 22, 2010 at 1:31pm

Tina
Im at 4 months and have the same feelings so I believe the emotions and feelings are part of the process which is unfair but reality.What I feel on the inside and show on the outside are total opposites.The part of day i look forward to is sleeping and the worst seems waking up without her .I belive God gifts us with all types of emotions that helps the healing process but feel nothing will ever heal what I feel or the look on my childrens faces that seem so different than before life turned a different direction.Grief is the cost of loving someone I was told and that made me realize how unfair life can be because like you said doing it alone will be the most difficult task to live with but I do know when we feel alone Jesus will be with us I hold on to that to get by each moment of each lonely day.Ido understand why you wrote this and I will keep you in my prayers.
J S

Permalink Reply by Mary on September 22, 2010 at 2:22pm

Tina,

I am so sorry you are feeling so down. It was going to happen. You, for a while put your grief on the back burner, so to speak. You needed to move, so you would feel safe. You were so busy with that, and even tho' you were missing your husband daily, you were focused on the business of packing and all that entailed.
When my first husband died, I was living in the south. He died in Nov. and I immediately had the holiday season to deal with. I had 3 young children at home. Shortly after the new year, I put my house on the market (all my family was in Michigan). The house sold, school got out and then we moved north. Then I needed to,find a job, a house, and get my kids in school. When all that was done, I was going to work one day, I had the strongest urge to withdraw money out of the bank, and just drive, where I didn't know, just drive and keep going. But of course I couldn't do that. So I went to work. I couldn't stop crying, and eventually, I was sent home. My delayed grief had hit me hard.

You are where I was then. Although you are still so new in the grief process (I was probably at 7 months by then). Greiving is hard work, it is very painful, and something we all have to do alone. Long after friends and family have gone back to their own lives, we are all still struggling with everyday loss and loneliness. Our futures have been ripped out from underneath us.I am again at the 7-8 month mark. It has gotten better with time. Yet, I can cry over the smallest things.

It will get better, the sun will shine again, you will be ok someday, we all will be. We will not be the same. But we will go on. I hope you can find some peace and comfort soon. Hugs to you all here.

Permalink Reply by Virginia on September 22, 2010 at 4:26pm

Tina, I also am sorry you are having a rough time but please believe me we know how your feeling and it's not easy, and we are all here for you and each other. as mary said you had a distraction with having to move, and now it's comming back fresh, and just as hard as it was when you first lost him. I was doing pretty good till july when I went on vacation and when I came home even tho it had been over a yr. since I lost mike, it hit like a ton of bricks , the depression and constent crying came back, I thought I would loose my mind and even now there are many bad days but it is easing up some again but as you said we have the holidays comming and it will be pure hell again and I was like you I didn't want a tree but my nephew put one up because he said it needed to be done and this yr. again I don't want one but I have a 19 month old great nephew and he will need one so his daddy will put it up because he is here alot. the only thing we can do is be here for each other good and bad and i'm free to call anyone anytime if you would like. and i still kiss my husbands picture every morning and i talk to him i find it comforting, god bless and hugs

Permalink Reply by TINA GREER on September 23, 2010 at 8:46pm

Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement. I guess maybe it is that I had the move and all to keep me busy, and now my days are pretty much filled with nothingness. I try so hard not to dwell on the fact that he is gone, but I just can't. Every time I turn around there is something that reminds me of him. Even my dog acts differently. After Larry died, he laid by the door waiting on him to come home. Now that I have moved, he still seems to be waiting on him. It seems like everyone on here is going through the same thing I am going through. The being down, feeling alone... why us? I hate the thought of winter arriving. We could go for days without going out... just being together was good enough for us. Now all I have to look forward to are cold, empty, alone days.

Permalink Reply by bc on September 23, 2010 at 9:14pm

Tina, I know what you are feeling, I've been going through this for the past 13 months and though I really do have my down days and I do meltdown and cry, those days don't come as often but when they do, they hit me like a ton of bricks also. I still miss Brad and I always will and I am not looking forward to the holidays coming up and certainly not looking forward to winter. With my new job now it will be another challenge, having to put on a happy face and smile at people all day, while I'm hurting inside. I'm going through what they call the 12-18 month grieving. Just when you start to thinking you are going to be okay, it hits me again. Just remember we are all in this togeter and we will survive somehow. I heard a saying the other day, "God only cries for the living because its the living that's left to carry on". He's with us and so are our loved ones. Hang in there, thinking of you, Hugs to you!

TINA GREER said:

Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement. I guess maybe it is that I had the move and all to keep me busy, and now my days are pretty much filled with nothingness. I try so hard not to dwell on the fact that he is gone, but I just can't. Every time I turn around there is something that reminds me of him. Even my dog acts differently. After Larry died, he laid by the door waiting on him to come home. Now that I have moved, he still seems to be waiting on him. It seems like everyone on here is going through the same thing I am going through. The being down, feeling alone... why us? I hate the thought of winter arriving. We could go for days without going out... just being together was good enough for us. Now all I have to look forward to are cold, empty, alone days.

Permalink Reply by Marlena on September 23, 2010 at 10:25pm

Tina,

It's great that you are able to get back on the site, you've been missed.

I think you wrote what we all feel. Some days are better than others as time progresses, but it's never what it used to be. The ache and lonliness are never ending. That doesn't sound very hopeful, does it?

Now that you are settled, it's time to focus on you and what you need. Take the time to feel what you need to feel, as hard as it is, it is a part of the process.

You're not alone with your night time ritual. Tom's picture is on my cell phone and I kiss my cell phone good night every night, and I talk to it before going to sleep. I always ask him to send me a good dream of him so I can miss him a little less. It doesn't work often, but I keep trying.

As far as the Christmas tree, I did not want one last year, at all...but our son was 14 and he had already lost his Dad, I didn't want to take tradition away from him too. So, I decided that our tree would be in honor of Tom. There was only one ornamet along with red and silver decorations and lights. The ornament is a Hallmark ornament. It's a heart with silver stars and a place for a picture. The front says, "Remembered with Love". On the back it has a saying, "The true testament of a life well-lived is the love we leave behind". By having this front and center and the only ornament it became a Dad Tree. It felt good to honor Tom. The tree became less of a burden knowing it as all about Tom. Maybe this can help you reconsider what the tree can mean.

I hope things ease up for you. Never forget there is always someone here that shares your pain.
Take care.

Permalink Reply by Leticia Hernandez on September 24, 2010 at 8:48am

I also lost my husband on May 3rd, 2010. They are days I feel like I'm losing my mind. I have good days and bad days. Once I start to feel down and begin to pray, since my lose I've realized there is a world out there, but I am scared but with the support group, church, and GOD it will get easier. You need to keep the faith, hope. I was married 30 years. Please believe it one day at a time.

Permalink Reply by Kay Arcuni on September 24, 2010 at 10:08am

Well the last couple of days have been pretty bad. I am trying to sell off all of the equipment that we bought when Joe stared his cabinet shop. Not because I want to but I can't afford to be paying rent on a place that is not making money to pay the bills. It makes me cry everytime I think about getting rid of his stuff. Logically I know that it's the right thing to do, but he loved his craft so much that I feel like I am betraying him.
I really need that Joe hug right now the one that would make me feel like everything would be alright no matter what because we were in this together. I know that our friends are there and they offer their help and support but it's not the same, you tell your self go and talk to them but when you do the conversation is so stiff because you don't want them to see how bad your really doing. I lie to them all the time about how its going and I have gotten to the point where it makes me want to scream when someone tells me how sorry they are that they just can't imagine what I am going thru. They are right they can't and I would never want them to. I feel so alone, I just wish I could be with him even for a second to feel his touch or hear his voice. I want to be normal again!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Permalink Reply by TINA GREER on September 24, 2010 at 12:03pm

I absolutely understand how you feel!!! I did get rid of some of my husbands clothes, but only to my brother. There were shirts that I would see and remember him wearing, and I still can't part with them... they are still in the drawer. The kids all wanted something of his, and I know they deserve it, but it was so hard to let them have it. A ring, a lighter, a watch.. everything was so painful to part with.

I talked to his sister the other day and she said that she cannot imagine what it is like... she said she has thought about it.. I told her to multiply her thoughts by 10 million, and that may begin to show her how bad the pain is. His brother is very sick, a couple of months ago he had surgery for lung cancer. If something were to happen to him, I don't know if I could even go to the funeral. Larry was the youngest of 8 children, and now there are only 3 left. Over the years we have had to deal with many deaths. His sister just passed away a year ago last month. I never in a million years would have thought it would happen to me... especially this soon. Thank you for all the words of encouragement.

Kay Arcuni said:

Well the last couple of days have been pretty bad. I am trying to sell off all of the equipment that we bought when Joe stared his cabinet shop. Not because I want to but I can't afford to be paying rent on a place that is not making money to pay the bills. It makes me cry everytime I think about getting rid of his stuff. Logically I know that it's the right thing to do, but he loved his craft so much that I feel like I am betraying him.
I really need that Joe hug right now the one that would make me feel like everything would be alright no matter what because we were in this together. I know that our friends are there and they offer their help and support but it's not the same, you tell your self go and talk to them but when you do the conversation is so stiff because you don't want them to see how bad your really doing. I lie to them all the time about how its going and I have gotten to the point where it makes me want to scream when someone tells me how sorry they are that they just can't imagine what I am going thru. They are right they can't and I would never want them to. I feel so alone, I just wish I could be with him even for a second to feel his touch or hear his voice. I want to be normal again!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Permalink Reply by Linda O'Connor on September 24, 2010 at 3:12pm

Tina, you are not alone & we alll understand how you'll feeling. If you don't have a job, you should consider getting one. As someone else said it's hard to put on a happy face when you are broken inside, but the best thing in the world for me was to find another job & get out of the house. At least for 8 hrs, I am busy & feel like I'm important to my company; then I go home & face the evenings alone. It will be 2 yrs the 29th of next month & I still have meltdowns & crying spells that won't quit. After 22 yrs together, it is still really hard to adjust, but I do now have more good days, and you will too. Just know that we all care & have you in our prayers.

Permalink Reply by TINA GREER on September 24, 2010 at 3:19pm

No, I am not working. In February 2008 I had to go on disability because of chronic health problems (Fibromyalgia, CFS, Spinal arthritis, Lumbar neurotis, etc..). There is no way I can go back to work. My days are long and the nights even longer. I used to do a lot of crafts, scrapbooking, crocheting, but nothing brings pleasure any more. Thanks for the comment, it is nice to know everyone cares.

Linda O'Connor said:

Tina, you are not alone & we alll understand how you'll feeling. If you don't have a job, you should consider getting one. As someone else said it's hard to put on a happy face when you are broken inside, but the best thing in the world for me was to find another job & get out of the house. At least for 8 hrs, I am busy & feel like I'm important to my company; then I go home & face the evenings alone. It will be 2 yrs the 29th of next month & I still have meltdowns & crying spells that won't quit. After 22 yrs together, it is still really hard to adjust, but I do now have more good days, and you will too. Just know that we all care & have you in our prayers.